Writing Feedback / Creed sentences - I need to check my mechanics [NEW]

This is called a creed, I have to present in my class.
But, I do not recognize what is the better sentence, hopefully you guys can change more better than original. Thank you : )

I believe that music has great power to change someone's life whatever genre is.
I believe Brian McKnight is the greatest R&B musician ever in the world.
I believe that R&B music is the best music to communicate between artists and listeners.
I believe that most of R&B music's lyrics are described something it is hard to say to someone.

I believe that power of love from my family.
I believe that my parents do not press me academically, compared than other general Korean parents.
I believe that my parents are giving me freedom of my life to learn how I should survive in difference environment.
I believe my father is wise and honest person in the world.
I believe that I should work hard to catch up with my father's career in the future.
I believe that my sister will come to America when she graduates from junior high school in Korea.

I believe that Republic of Korea will become as one of strong country economically.
I believe that will unite together with a North Korea without any military power.
I believe that Korean is the best scientific language in the world.
I believe that Republic of Korea coexists old heritages and new technology.
I believe that Koreans are taking calculus test without calculator no matter what kind it is.

I believe that friends are precious gift from God.
I believe that my Korean friends are wondering how I am doing in United States.
I believe that my best friends in United States are the class of 2010 at High School.
I believe that American friends are helping me to improve my English skill and change my personal character more positive than before.
I believe that Facebook is the greatest tool ever to make American friends easier.

Finally, I believe that High School is the best school among four high schools where I attended during my high school career.

Undergraduate / "How can I contribute in the community" - Short Answer [8]

I really need to get feedback seriously. This is really important stuff to me, hopefully you guys will fix great!

I am a Korean student. I grew up in various cultural backgrounds during my adolescence period. If I become as a part of UW community, I would like to share my home country cultures like Korean New-Year's Day, difference than others from my diverse in cultural backgrounds and interacting other countries' cultures.

Korea is one of the unique countries in the world. This is because there are old heritages coexisting with new technology. I am hoping to introduce my country to my future classmates to show difference between America and Korea, making broader perspective to the world to become as a global leader.

Despite, my country has diverse culture; I decided to leave my home-country to go study in the United States when I was 16 years old. Basically, I had a hard time adapting to American life. I had to develop my English skills as average American sophomore students, and learn how to live in diverse-cultural society.

I would like to share my episodes and the transformations during those two and half academic years. Since many Latinos and Hispanics live around us. Meanwhile, I have many stories about cultural differences to share with students in University of Washington. I heard many things about segregations in America, back in Korea. But my region respects diverse races and nobody did mock races of people, so I developed a sense of mutual respect towards various races of people. If I get admitted in UW, I would like to hang out with variety of people, regardless of wherever they come from with the respect to the students.

In the end, I am considering as a diligent student to myself. I have strong academic interest in both Business Administration and computer Engineering. I am looking forward to challenge intellectually to become a global leader after I graduate from UW. I hope to fit in the criteria what the UW community wants to desire from me.

I really have no idea where should I start edit this one. Hopefully, you guys gives some of nice advice to me. Thank you.

Undergraduate / "Hanged Jesus portrait" - Common app - Evaluate a significant experience [2]

Hello. This is a first copy of the essay. So, it does not proofread at all.
Hopefully, you guys try to change this essay to make more better.
p.s. : I'm an international student. And please tell me, how are good this essay for this topic.
Just please write as many as opinions for me. Thank you.

A portrait of the crucifix, arranged Catholic books, a simple white wall. It is my first day at the Ulsan University Hospital. All the volunteers are gather here in Padre's room. Before our volunteer group, help the patients, we pray to God and take a moment silence. After prayer, Sr. Shin says to me, "I think that this is tough to you. But, I am guarantee that if you finish successfully, it is the most valuable experience to you. However, do not be afraid about this job. I will pray for you. You're the best high school student to me." I nodded what she said and left the Padre's room door. Before I enter the Intensive care unit, I think of the billions of situations that may occur.

As I entered Intensive Care Unit, I see that people are moving busily to serve patients effectively. When I stand alone in front of door, Mrs. Kim, my co-volunteer, explains what is my job, how should I do, and maintain appropriate behavior in this unit. For about hour, I just watch the nurses work. Suddenly, a nurse request help to me, because she did not know that I am a first time in here. Mrs. Kim helps a nurse and tells me what I should do. Soon, I really start to serve many patients.

Caring for patients, I still remember a patient among thirty people, who only remained silent when I tried conversation. He is hurt seriously because he got a traffic accident, and so, he cannot do anything by himself. My job is to help him keep his body clean. As I work my emotions for him overwhelm me and I say, "I believe that you will be cured soon. I also believe that you will overcome everything. Do not lose your belief. I will pray for you. God will bless you."

He keeps his silence as I talk to him and soon faster. His leg little bit responded when I am wiping off his leg. I asked Mrs. Kim and she say "many of peoples reflect their leg when we touched there. You just go ahead what you did. You look doing well!"

After I assisted him, I tried to talk to him again and told him that although he had been placed in a bad situation, he would get better soon. When go back home, I get a happy yet weird feeling. I felt that he understands what I am saying and that we had communicated with each other heart to heart. Tomorrow, I am going to hospital to serve patients including him. Before I went into the room, I felt that a surprise would happen. When I entered there, he still had his eyes closed, and could not move from his spot. When proceed to wash him, a smile appears on his face abruptly. I am surprised a little bit, but I realize he is getting better. As I left that day I said, "Sir, unfortunately, today is my last service for you. I learned many valuable life lessons from you. Thank you. And Good bye."

After finished this experience, I got an email from Sr. Shin. She told me that the patient is getting better, now he can talk with other people in intensive care unit. At the moment, I could not believe how he could overcome, but I realize that hope and belief still exist in our society. I learned from this service that I should not lose my belief and hope, when I faced to hard situation to me, because the miracle is always have possibility in everywhere.