Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Living in a bubble [3]

I can't say I'm very proud of this essay. I know it needs some work. I appreciate all critiques and comments. Please help me with both grammar and content. Thanks a lot!

Prompt #1

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I stared at the TV in unadulterated horror, not wanting to believe what I was seeing. On the screen was a child who appeared no older than eight, covered with dirt and grime and with barely any clothes on. He wore no shoes, and the blisters on his feet were festering. What bothered me most about his appearance, however, was how his skin seemed to cling tightly to his ribs, making them visible for all to see. The camera was focused on him, but he seemed unaware of it. He looked to the distance with the blank, empty stare of a lost child. I changed the channel before I had to witness anymore.

I spent ten years of my life in ***, a small, suburban town in upstate New York. Though *** was a nice place to live (the motto of the town even being "Where Life is Worth Living"), upon entering high school, I came to a realization: living in *** was a lot like living in a bubble.

*** was safe, there was rarely ever crime, and I received a solid education there. I was constantly encouraged to do well in my studies by my teachers and peers and received support from my parents. However, in such a tight-knit community, I often felt a bit sheltered. While I had always been aware of the not-so-great side of life when I was younger, I mostly tried to turn the other way when the topic came up, as if I did not hear it.

Yet watching that commercial that day, and seeing that suffering child stirred something within me. I had seen the commercial before, and would usually change the channel rather than watch it, but this time my empathetic nature would not let me turn away from what I saw. The images stuck in my mind. I finally chose to acknowledge the disturbance I felt at realizing that while I lived a comfortable life in my home, there were children overseas who had none of the same things I had and probably never would.

It was this that gave birth to my desire to travel. I want to see and experience the rest of the world, especially the parts that aren't so great, and I want to help make a difference in those areas. *** kept me trapped in a bubble, but I am ready for that bubble to pop.

Things I'd like some comments on:
-Should I elaborate more on the community? I feel like I may not have touched on it enough
-Does it answer the prompt completely or should I add on more?

Any other comments are appreciated. Please, tear it apart...

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write) [11]

I just completely abandoned my other essay and rewrote this one today (not the smartest thing to do the day before the deadline, I know), so I would really appreciate some feedback. I have specific parts I want critiqued that are marked with stars, but any other comments are welcome. Please help me with grammar and content. Thanks!

Prompt #2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

It was a bleak February morning. The fog clinging to the frost encrusted windows blurred the outside view, and the irrepressible winds shook the entire school. The third graders of Ms. Gangi's class were restless, and her struggles to keep them on task were in vain. The assignment, to write an original story, had long since been forgotten by most of the class, but for me it was different. My imagination ran wild as I stared at the blank sheet of paper before me. Copious ideas of what I could write were shooting at me nonstop, attacking me left and right. After staring at the blank sheet of paper just moments longer, I finally grabbed a hold on one of those ideas, abandoned all precaution, took the pen in my hand, and began to write.

After we turned in our stories that day I discovered that, despite the fact that it was just another assignment, writing really was something I felt passionate about, and since then, writing has become a talent of mine that I pride myself in. My writing has come a long way, transforming from simple poems with awkward rhymes to novels which reveal parts of who I am.

I have always enjoyed doing all I can to get people to smile. I can rarely be content if I know that someone I care about is upset, and so I use my writing as a way to help others. In fifth grade when my grandfather was sick abed, I decided to write some poems for him, and the smile that lighted his face when he read them was like a silent sign of encouragement. As I swelled with joy at his reaction, I realized that this was what I wanted to do. I have continued to write for people when they are not feeling well, and it has given me more patience, made me pay closer attention to details and better understand the people and the world around. Creating stories that make people feel better gives me a type of satisfaction that is rare for me to find in anything else.

It is late at night, but I am still awake. The lights are dimmed; the only sound being the rhythmic clicking of my fingers across the keyboard. The desperate need to get the words down on the page, to finish the story and share my characters with the world, has immersed me. I have a burning desire to write and will keep writing until every word has been written.

*Insane seems too...dramatic here. Any suggestions for another word I could use?
**Does this answer how this relates to me as a person enough or should I elaborate?
***I despise this last line, and it sounds awkward. Any suggestions for changing it?

Undergraduate / I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker - Breaking Stereotypes [7]

This is the first draft of my essay with only some minor edits made. I was okay with it until my English teacher basically told me I should rewrite the whole thing. I've been having a lot of trouble figuring out how to fix it, and some honest opinions and critiques would help. It's pretty rough right now, though, so please try to be gentle (but still completely honest).

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker. I don't have an accent; I'm not super loud and overly talkative; I've never ridden a subway train, and, unfortunately, I've never even tasted a "true" New York style pizza. Webster is a small, suburban town in upstate New York. It's populated by about 40,000 people who are predominantly Caucasian and of the upper-middle class. I don't fit the Webster stereotype either, but Webster, New York is the place I called home for ten years. My family moved to Webster from Las Vegas in 1998, and growing up in a town far away from the rest of my relatives who reside in the West, and with few other African American families like my own has had a profound impact on me. I've almost always been the only black girl in my classes, but I've never let the stereotype of black students being lazy or underachievers hinder me from putting my all into everything I do. My parents are not the types who constantly make sure I'm keeping up with my work, but I've always done so anyway-they expect me to do my best, so I do.

Growing up in Webster, a place where being involved in the arts is encouraged, has veered my dreams in that direction. While many of my peers became involved in types of arts like music, dance and painting, my interests led me to enjoy a different type of art. There's a stereotype that says that almost every teenager dislikes reading. I love it. There's another that says that teens think writing is boring. It became my passion. Though it took me a while to completely accept this as my form of "art" after being scoffed at when I tried to explain my passion to my peers, I never stopped loving to write, and moving to California in eleventh grade helped to further cement this passion in me. Being introduced to a whole new world outside of Webster helped to transform my aspirations of becoming an author to a whole new level. Getting involved in journalism as well as a writing club at school, and being able to be around the rest of my relatives who constantly encourage me do what I love, I finally understand that writing is a dream that I no longer have to hide.

I have broken every stereotype ever made against me. I am the New Yorker who doesn't act like a New Yorker, the hard-working African American girl from the suburbs of Webster and the teenager who would rather curl up with a good book than go to a movie premiere. Breaking all these stereotypes has essentially made me who I am and helped me to define myself.

Just a couple questions:
Was it too vague?
Should I elaborate on anything?
Should I talk more about my actual family?

Thanks guys!