Posts by hehalter

hehalter

Jan 2, 2010

Undergraduate / What I Carry reflect my many obsessions - Tufts voice essay [7]

did you read The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien? Same kind of idea, very cool. I like your essay, especially because I am a compulsive list maker myself. I carry around little scraps of paper for my lists. Anyways...

Suggestions:
Sometimes I carry eternal happiness upon my face but for the most part (awkward empty space) exists an unfading seriousness and strive for the best . ---> again kinda awkward, I think the verb tense might be off. Treating "strive for the best" as an adjective phrase which makes the reading unclear.

I have about my studies, about things I'll never know (put an ,and or just a comma) about the world around me.
At Tufts, I will carry memories of my childhood,~~and~~ aspirations for future, and an eagerness to become a vital member of the Tufts community.----> I would recommend breaking up the childhood and future because it doesn't clearly connect, overall sentence loses balance.

never seem to make up my frenzied mind. I carry poise and flow but am never truly at peace ---> the words or phrases in red are slightly awkward, makes the reading choppy

Just keep reading it to yourself out loud to make sure it sounds clear and flows.
Good luck, hope that helps!

hehalter

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Uchicago "Describe a road that you know (real, imagined or metaphorical)" Essay [8]

Wow, this is amazing. To answer your question, "is my essay too deep?" I say yes and no. I think you should combine the two first paragraphs and cut out unnecessary sentences. The shift from paragraph 1 to 2 is lacking, connect them and make it clearer. The overall tone is a bit too vague and melodramatic in the beginning and you risk losing your reader. Remember to be honest and don't distance yourself from the reader.

Some suggestions:

The victims of this plight were scattered helplessly on the periphery for all future hopefuls to witness. This introduction of other unknown travelers takes away from your own journey. Focus on yourself.

However, my situation was plenty worse than most of those who came before me. watch the drama, you don't need sentences like this because your story itself is enough. I believe your situation is "plenty worse" because of paragraphs 3-9

~~The opportunity for~~The chance of reaching success was soincredibly minuscule; and ~~it became increasingly obvious~~decreased along the way. If you don't like this I would just suggest changing "obvious"

he was ~~evidently~~ part of the blue-collar working class.

After searching tediously, I finally ~~one~~found work at a small lumber yard near my school.

In the latter years to come, Jesse became ill and the financial burden was more heavily positioned on me. Could you better define the time? This would help the reader better understand your journey.

Also: the ending is unclear. Are you telling this as if it were the future, you already attended college? If so, make it clearer or I suggest changing that angle all together. Do it in the present tense instead.

Anyways, I hope that helps. Just make details clearer. Your story and content is amazing though.

hehalter

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplement- Government Representitive [3]

ha that is funny we picked the same person, but you wrote it first, so I will give you the credit!
I really like yours, it speaks to a specific part of education in America and it is great that you can tie in your own experience. The only thing I think needs some work is the ending line:

Creating such a program would help raise the lower classes out of poverty and into a more equal society .
It is a little awkward, I suggest perhaps writing instead:
Creating such a program would help raise lower class students out of poverty and thus create a more equal society.

If this is too long you can take out "help" and "thus"

I think you answer the prompt fully and your content is good.

Other small stuff (to reduce characters):

The kids I tutor are not only incredibly dedicated, but ~~they are~~ also very bright.

Since my freshman year of high school, I have tutored many of the kids from the village project twice a week ~~after school~~ . (Your reader will assume this)

Unfortunately they don't receive the ~~same opportunities as I do~~opportunity to obtain a great education, and ~~a very small~~ a minority of them , if any, will attend college.

***Just continue to read this out loud to yourself to see if it reads smoothly. Also, if you are doing common app you can attach this essay and make it slightly over 1000 characters.

hehalter

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Barnard Government Repersentative [2]

Any suggestions will help. One question: do I answer the prompt enough? Does it take me too long to get to my conclusion? Thanks!

prompt: If you have a full hour to meet with a government representative or community leader, what one issue of concern would you raise and why? (1000 characters or fully developed paragraph)

I believe that all problems can in someway be solved through education. I have been fortunate enough to attend great schools and be raised by motivating parents but, my situation is unique. According to OECD data, the average graduation rate in the United States is 72 percent, about twenty percent below Poland, Denmark, Japan, and Germany among others. America is on par with Slovakia, Ireland, and Iceland, all countries with considerably smaller GDPs. I believe these statistics underscore the mediocrity of the American school systems, our nation's apathy in solving our education problems, and the negative impact this can have on our country's success. Thus, for my hour I would talk with Arne Duncan, the U.S. Secretary of Education. I would encourage him to seriously research the schooling systems of top ranking countries such as Japan, Finland, and Australia. It is time for a complete transformation in order to see what changes we should make we must observe how successful school systems are managed. This is the key to improving our education system and through it our nation.

it is also a tad bit long at this point..

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement #1: Intellectual Vitality (Human Trafficking) [3]

The topic is really interesting and shocking and your writing is good. However I would recommend speaking more to how you raise awareness in your community to show activism. More about you and less about the issue.

Small things:
-Strike the first two sentences. Your reader knows what intellectual vitality is. Maybe to grab your reader start with you at the conference hearing about human trafficking for the first time. For example, "I sat in my seat unable to hear what I was believing..."

-The most shocking fact I learned that day was that Portland, Oregon, where I currently reside, is the second largest city in the United States for human trafficking. ~~It was completely appalling to know that the city I grew up in is home to such a horrible crime.~~ This part is repetitive. Either get rid of your revise.

hope this helps, please look at my threads too!

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Bear in Mind [3]

Really interesting.
Suggestions:
"I half-turned and there, within a two yards of me was a monstrous, brown bear with a head the size of an ice chest. " I would use a different word, maybe something more noticable. Perhaps just me, but I'm not sure how big an ice chest is..

"After an eternity that probably lasted no more than 30 seconds , the big, beautiful, but very stinky bear slowly shuffled back into the brush, allowing us to scramble to the other side of the river." The first part sounds clumsy, too many words. I know what you are eluding to, but the language you use takes away from the main point. Maybe take out probably.

I would also speak more to how this relates to your interests. Too much about the experience, not enough about your reaction.
Hope that helps!

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Too many words a bad thing?

I know it's a general question, but how do colleges look at kids that write over the suggested word limit. They give you 200 words max and you write 250, will this hurt your chances?

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU supplement- In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. [4]

Maybe approach the prompt as the movie is not made about your life at 60, but rather the last 60 years of your life. You can focus on a life changing experience at whatever age, not at your age at 2050. Also, you don't have to make it realistic. Apocalyptic movies are all the range now. Perhaps 2050 you save the world from ending. It could be humorous (as long as you don't have to force it).

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Cornell Arts and Sciences supplement [3]

Any suggestions would be great! Thanks!

prompt:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (max. 500 words)

I looked at the painting, glanced over at my sister who was still standing by my side, then back at the painting. It was an unusual piece, like most of the art in the museum, but I was determined to view each and every one more fully than my sister. She was clearly aware of the competition and put up a tough fight. However, I was relentless and she eventually had no choice but to give up. As she walked away I stared a few seconds longer. I wanted to look like the thoughtful, ten year old, apt art observer I was trying so hard to be. The rest of my family members were ten paintings ahead, but I didn't mind. Viewing art takes discipline and I was developing this skill at the time, whether I knew it or not.

Due to this museum visit to the Guggenheim and many others that followed, I now have a love of art. Viewing, creating, studying, I find it all exciting. As I have grown up my tastes have been defined. I love Rothko, Clyfford Still, and the other abstract expressionists. I find the ambiguous, yet extremely poignant manner of their expressive paintings fascinating. I equally enjoy the minute details of Flemish masters such as Rogier Wan der Weyden and Jan van Eyck. My interest in art has evolved alongside many others, one of these being Chinese and East Asian studies. I have studied Chinese since eighth grade and while my initial reasons concerned practicality, I've come to enjoy learning the language as well as China's cultural intricacies.

Cornell would provide me with many resources to pursue my academic interests with challenging courses, excellent professors, and an array of academic resources. Currently, I would like to continue my Chinese and Art History studies. I am most intrigued by Cornell's China and Asia-Pacific Studies major, a program I have not seen at any other school. It would offer me the amazing opportunity of having a college experience at Cornell and also studying in Beijing and Washington D.C. I am a goal-orientated person, so I find this rigorous major with externships, an honors thesis, and two semesters of off-campus study very exciting. I would also like to minor in art history. By doing this I would be able to study Chinese culture, in addition to the country's political and economic aspects. I am especially interested in taking classes such as "Modernity and Chinese Art" and "Dawn of Modern Chinese Art," taught by professor An-yi Pan. Her specialization in Chinese traditional painting and modern art would be a perfect supplement to my academic career if I were lucky enough to attend Cornell.

With the richness of a Cornell education, I know my future would be filled with opportunities. I look forward to using the knowledge I would gain from my experiences while at Cornell in a constructive way. I plan to combine my interests to make a positive impact on our world, always remembering how lucky I am to have had an amazing education.

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Howard Supplement - Topic of your Choice- My Aunt Barbara [5]

This is great! The writing is really honest and it flows nicely. The time throughout the essay is a little vague though and that could be confusing. For example, you do not say how old you were when your Aunt died until the fifth paragraph. Also maybe you could indicate when you first realized your Aunt was "wasn't going to 'get well soon." It could show your maturity.

Just small suggestions. I really enjoyed reading it, good luck!

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement: Self-identity supplement [2]

I want to express that I really really want to go to Tufts and define myself in an interesting way. Currently this is 220 words. Please let me know if this is an interesting response along with correcting any grammar mistakes, language, etc. Thanks!

prompt: Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. Use the richness of your life to give us insight: Who are you? What voice will you add to the Class of 2014? 200 words or less

I believe I was a bird in my past life. I can remember looking for robins during the early weeks spring, thinking that seeing their red bellies would bring me good luck. Or when in fifth grade, I discovered a book of poetry by Emily Dickinson and "Hope is the Thing with Feathers" became my first favorite poem. On a metaphorical level, I share many characteristics symbolically associated with birds. In ancient religions they served as messengers. I am middle child, thus often I am given the role of facilitating the passage of information and acting as a mediator for family members and friends. I possess the same wit associated with the crow, choosing to use charm, dry humor, and sarcasm on a daily basis. My quiet, understated wisdom is similar to the owl's and we both prefer night over day.

The bird is a valuable asset to the animal kingdom. Similarly, I will add value to Tufts's campus. Just as with the symbiotic relationship between the cattle egret and the elephant, as Tufts prepares me for the real world, I will be giving back to Tufts, as well as the greater Boston community, always remembering how lucky I am to have such an amazing education.

hehalter

Dec 21, 2009

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

take the ACT!! Lots of colleges accept the SAT and two subject tests (I believe the UC schools do) or the ACT with writing. Taking the ACT saves time and money because you wouldn't have to take subject tests. I did poorly on my SAT, but considerably better on ACT.

Also, if it really does become a problem there is always Connecticut college, they will accept two graded papers instead of SAT scores