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What I Carry reflect my many obsessions - Tufts voice essay


shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

The things I carry reflect my many obsessions. A pencil, a pen, a notebook. College ruled, of course. My life would practically fall apart if it weren't for the grounding pleasure of writing lists. Lists of goals, lists of to-do's, lists of some event I'm planning or some idea that I couldn't let myself forget. And although I carry my lists, they never seem to make up my frenzied mind. I carry poise and flow but am never truly at peace, for I'm always carrying that one last thing on my list. That one thing breaking responsibility from freedom.

Sometimes I carry eternal happiness upon my face but for the most part exists an unfading seriousness and strive for the best. Wherever I am, I carry an endless wonder about the dynamics of the world and of the individuals that comprise it. A wonder about my own capability and potential and where I fit into the scheme of things. I carry an incessant yearning to learn and a constant stream of questions I have about my studies, about things I'll never know about the world around me.

In my bag I carry entertainment. In the golden pocket is my ipod, filled with electro-alternative music and the occasional show tune- and believe me, there's nothing I can't dance to. I carry a book, whether I'm reading Harry Potter, The Awakening or a copy of the New Yorker. Whether I'm plugged in, caught up in words or absorbing my environment I'm the type of person who is never bored.

At Tufts, I will carry memories of my childhood and aspirations for future, and an eagerness to become a vital member of the Tufts community. I will carry my voice, a voice filled with confidence and curiosity, intellect and eccentricity.

zainob 2 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
Hi Shannon!

I think this is a great essay. Very honest! It shows that you are somewhat organized!! I love lists to btw!! =]

I would just change the following if you don't mind,to create emphasis.

A pencil, a pen, a notebook--college ruled. My life would practically fall apart if it weren't for the grounding pleasure of writing lists. Lists of goals, lists of to-do's, lists of some event I'm planning or some idea that I couldn't let myself forget. And although I carry my lists, they never seem to make up my frenzied mind.

Good LUCK!!
OP shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
thanks i made the changes you suggested :) do you have any suggestions for the ending? it just kinda ends abruptly currently
OP shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
do you think this says enough about me yet?
robyag6 1 / 11  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
You were missing a comma :)

reading Harry Potter, The Awakening, or a copy of the New Yorker.
carloshk 1 / 1  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
I think it says enough, and it really reflects your voice and who you are as a person.
hehalter 3 / 9  
Jan 2, 2010   #7
did you read The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien? Same kind of idea, very cool. I like your essay, especially because I am a compulsive list maker myself. I carry around little scraps of paper for my lists. Anyways...

Suggestions:
Sometimes I carry eternal happiness upon my face but for the most part (awkward empty space) exists an unfading seriousness and strive for the best . ---> again kinda awkward, I think the verb tense might be off. Treating "strive for the best" as an adjective phrase which makes the reading unclear.

I have about my studies, about things I'll never know (put an ,and or just a comma) about the world around me.
At Tufts, I will carry memories of my childhood,and aspirations for future, and an eagerness to become a vital member of the Tufts community.----> I would recommend breaking up the childhood and future because it doesn't clearly connect, overall sentence loses balance.

never seem to make up my frenzied mind. I carry poise and flow but am never truly at peace ---> the words or phrases in red are slightly awkward, makes the reading choppy

Just keep reading it to yourself out loud to make sure it sounds clear and flows.
Good luck, hope that helps!


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