shanemrys
Nov 27, 2009
shanemrys
Nov 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]
thank you for the input, Kevin. :)
and thank you for your sympathies.
Yeah, I am always grateful that she was surrounded by her family and friends when she passed on.
thank you for the input, Kevin. :)
and thank you for your sympathies.
Yeah, I am always grateful that she was surrounded by her family and friends when she passed on.
shanemrys
Nov 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Breaking out of the glass sphere - UC essay #1 [7]
thank you so much for the feedback, Angie! just what i needed... :)
i would comment on yours, but it's closed, so i'll post it here...
it's a great essay, there's just a few things i would fix (delete the red strikethrough words... that's it!)~"Basically, he wants me to attend the best university in the country and pursue the most prestigious career. But I won't allow him to plan out my life for me. Although I don't know what I want to do, I know that I am not going to pursue a career just because of the number of zeroes it will produce in my bank account. I want to be someone that can help my community and make a difference. Despite our disagreements I know that what we both basically want for my future is a better life than I am living now, which means that I must further my education..."
"That meantbasically<--(with this one, you might want to replace it with a different word, but the other ones just go ahead and delete...) replacing my mom by walking my sisters to school, picking them up, helping them with their homework, cooking, cleaning, and translating for my dad while keeping up my grades."
thank you so much for the feedback, Angie! just what i needed... :)
i would comment on yours, but it's closed, so i'll post it here...
it's a great essay, there's just a few things i would fix (delete the red strikethrough words... that's it!)~"
"That meant
shanemrys
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Breaking out of the glass sphere - UC essay #1 [7]
ahh, perfect. that's just what i needed to tie the essay together, i was looking for something along those lines. that last paragraph was sort of random, heh. great input. thanks a million!
ahh, perfect. that's just what i needed to tie the essay together, i was looking for something along those lines. that last paragraph was sort of random, heh. great input. thanks a million!
shanemrys
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I was a corpulent teenager' - UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World [4]
Each paragraph is really nicely written - but what your paragraphs lack is the unity they need to become an essay. try to choose one of your achievements/accomplishments and focus on that.
also, tell us why you want to go into the oral surgery/etc. and how your experiences have shaped this decision, and why you are proud of it.
your essay is off to a good start, but its far too scattered and unrelated between the paragraphs - i feel like each one is the beginning of a separate essay. choose your strongest one and expand on it, and tie it into that last paragraph. you are a good writer and i think you can do it.
good luck :)
btw if anyone minds my essay just needs a little comment in the right direction...?
Each paragraph is really nicely written - but what your paragraphs lack is the unity they need to become an essay. try to choose one of your achievements/accomplishments and focus on that.
also, tell us why you want to go into the oral surgery/etc. and how your experiences have shaped this decision, and why you are proud of it.
your essay is off to a good start, but its far too scattered and unrelated between the paragraphs - i feel like each one is the beginning of a separate essay. choose your strongest one and expand on it, and tie it into that last paragraph. you are a good writer and i think you can do it.
good luck :)
btw if anyone minds my essay just needs a little comment in the right direction...?
shanemrys
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "THis is What I do" UC Prompt Number 2 [3]
Wow... this is incredibly well-written and flows beautifully... it's a great essay... i feel like its written by a proffesional. even though some of the other essays i've read are good, this is amazing. i don't usually dole out compliments this easily and i try to be as honest as possible (which is easier in real life than on the internet... i often stun my peers when i hand back their papers "bleeding red" with corrections...)
but this is really something incredible, and no less so because i, also as an artist, writer, and musician can relate... i think it really reaches people.
i honestly wish i could give you some critical feedback... but i honestly think it is a finished piece. it's striking, and definitely something the college people will keep in mind, its memorable and elegant.
some people might suggest that you didn't respond to the 'pride' part of the prompt, but i feel that with the tone of your paper, especially that last sentence, says it all. the colleges don't always need you to be explicit - and when you can be implicit AND say it better - that is brilliant. i honestly think this is ready to go. congrats.
ps- on the other hand, my essay needs a quite bit of work... would you mind commenting a little?
Wow... this is incredibly well-written and flows beautifully... it's a great essay... i feel like its written by a proffesional. even though some of the other essays i've read are good, this is amazing. i don't usually dole out compliments this easily and i try to be as honest as possible (which is easier in real life than on the internet... i often stun my peers when i hand back their papers "bleeding red" with corrections...)
but this is really something incredible, and no less so because i, also as an artist, writer, and musician can relate... i think it really reaches people.
i honestly wish i could give you some critical feedback... but i honestly think it is a finished piece. it's striking, and definitely something the college people will keep in mind, its memorable and elegant.
some people might suggest that you didn't respond to the 'pride' part of the prompt, but i feel that with the tone of your paper, especially that last sentence, says it all. the colleges don't always need you to be explicit - and when you can be implicit AND say it better - that is brilliant. i honestly think this is ready to go. congrats.
ps- on the other hand, my essay needs a quite bit of work... would you mind commenting a little?
shanemrys
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Breaking out of the glass sphere - UC essay #1 [7]
Ok, so this is the first prompt, and is probably the weaker of my two UC essays but i've come to an equilibrium that i'm comfortable with. i want to submit it soon and i only need a few suggestions on polishing up those last paragraphs, and also, absolutely any sentences/words i could cut out because i am over the word count by about 30 still... thank you :)
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I stood at the edge of the world, encased by a delicate glass sphere. Deep in the heart ...
Ok, so this is the first prompt, and is probably the weaker of my two UC essays but i've come to an equilibrium that i'm comfortable with. i want to submit it soon and i only need a few suggestions on polishing up those last paragraphs, and also, absolutely any sentences/words i could cut out because i am over the word count by about 30 still... thank you :)
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I stood at the edge of the world, encased by a delicate glass sphere. Deep in the heart ...
shanemrys
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217 - UPenn Optional Essay [12]
"I searched the depths of his eyes to relate to him, to find something in him that he had given me, however, what I found was a man nothing like me."
this is much better. :)
"I searched the depths of his eyes to relate to him, to find something in him that he had given me, however, what I found was a man nothing like me."
this is much better. :)
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: Being Named The Most Unique [4]
Wow, this is really well written. It's clever and concise, and flows nicely... hmm...
The only recommendation i would have, is perhaps take that last paragraph just a bit deeper... I mean, its decent as is... but perhaps talk more about your place in the world, and oh, that reminds me, its good to mention a career direction, you don't have to be explicit, like "i want to be a psychologist/whatever. the end." or anything, but you could implicitly say the general direction, e.g., I want to help manifest this quality in others through blah blah, or something like that, i don't know. but i think the UC like to see some sort of direction other than "i want to go to college! :D"
good luck, its almost there, though!! :)
ps- this is totally irrelevant... but is that mentioning of the dark side of the moon a pink floyd reference, or am I just being a nerd? :) [i really like that metaphor, anyways, though, by the way :) ]
Wow, this is really well written. It's clever and concise, and flows nicely... hmm...
The only recommendation i would have, is perhaps take that last paragraph just a bit deeper... I mean, its decent as is... but perhaps talk more about your place in the world, and oh, that reminds me, its good to mention a career direction, you don't have to be explicit, like "i want to be a psychologist/whatever. the end." or anything, but you could implicitly say the general direction, e.g., I want to help manifest this quality in others through blah blah, or something like that, i don't know. but i think the UC like to see some sort of direction other than "i want to go to college! :D"
good luck, its almost there, though!! :)
ps- this is totally irrelevant... but is that mentioning of the dark side of the moon a pink floyd reference, or am I just being a nerd? :) [i really like that metaphor, anyways, though, by the way :) ]
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Finding My Salvation [6]
Your essay is nicely written, but i feel that it lacks a thesis/theme: however, you've stated this in your reply: "My point on this essay was to tie how I was able to find my own footing without anyone elses help."
this is great, but this needs to be IN your essay! I recommend deleting the things that twizzlestraw mentioned. make this more of a theme, and weave it in a little better, although it seems like you've started to do that, add it in more.
"It is not easy to live a Christian life, but it is easy to ridicule and mock our lifestyle"
i also highly recommend deleting this. its totally irrelevant, simply from a literary perspective.
"Religion has been and will always be a touchy subject in my family but I will eventually find the right time to tell them about my decision to part ways from the Catholic Church. " this is an interesting point, but the way you worded it and placed it in the essay is not good. weave it in at the end, and tie it into how you can find the inner strength to "come out" as non-catholic. tie in something about 'mustering courage' and 'you will soon find the right time and the inner strength to do that now that you've grown, etc.', and that will help sort of to prove your point, i think, and help to tie the essay together.
Your essay is nicely written, but i feel that it lacks a thesis/theme: however, you've stated this in your reply: "My point on this essay was to tie how I was able to find my own footing without anyone elses help."
this is great, but this needs to be IN your essay! I recommend deleting the things that twizzlestraw mentioned. make this more of a theme, and weave it in a little better, although it seems like you've started to do that, add it in more.
"It is not easy to live a Christian life, but it is easy to ridicule and mock our lifestyle"
i also highly recommend deleting this. its totally irrelevant, simply from a literary perspective.
"Religion has been and will always be a touchy subject in my family but I will eventually find the right time to tell them about my decision to part ways from the Catholic Church. " this is an interesting point, but the way you worded it and placed it in the essay is not good. weave it in at the end, and tie it into how you can find the inner strength to "come out" as non-catholic. tie in something about 'mustering courage' and 'you will soon find the right time and the inner strength to do that now that you've grown, etc.', and that will help sort of to prove your point, i think, and help to tie the essay together.
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: Music [3]
It's not bad, but there are quite a few cliches that need to go ; they're sprinkled throughout the essay (e.g.,"practice makes perfect", "When you don't like something it always comes back" etc.), and particularly in the end and last sentence. avoid cliches at all costs. it makes the UC readers cringe; that's what my english teacher has told us.
also, try and think deeper about how the music has effected you. music can be extremely powerful and life-changing (as a pianist, i can relate); so try and convey that in your essay by wording things a little more eloquently (e.g., instead of saying "I was frustrated when I could not play my high notes." be more poetic and powerful in conveying that... "my high notes came out mangled as they struggled their way out of the clarinet, leaving me breathless and defeated", or something)
just work on depth, sit down in a quiet space and really think about it. i find that helps me write my essays. good luck!
ps - i also have a UC essay if you'd like to give feedback. :)
It's not bad, but there are quite a few cliches that need to go ; they're sprinkled throughout the essay (e.g.,"practice makes perfect", "When you don't like something it always comes back" etc.), and particularly in the end and last sentence. avoid cliches at all costs. it makes the UC readers cringe; that's what my english teacher has told us.
also, try and think deeper about how the music has effected you. music can be extremely powerful and life-changing (as a pianist, i can relate); so try and convey that in your essay by wording things a little more eloquently (e.g., instead of saying "I was frustrated when I could not play my high notes." be more poetic and powerful in conveying that... "my high notes came out mangled as they struggled their way out of the clarinet, leaving me breathless and defeated", or something)
just work on depth, sit down in a quiet space and really think about it. i find that helps me write my essays. good luck!
ps - i also have a UC essay if you'd like to give feedback. :)
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Still I Rise: An Autobiography 217 - UPenn Optional Essay [12]
Interesting topic they give you... you did very well with it!
the only thing i might suggest, is explain the end a little more. elabourate on the experience of the meeting just a bit more, and that sense of finality that your mom was the important part of you after all, etc. it feels a little rushed. and since its only "one page", it doesn't need to be too much more, just a tiny bit more elabouration.
Interesting topic they give you... you did very well with it!
the only thing i might suggest, is explain the end a little more. elabourate on the experience of the meeting just a bit more, and that sense of finality that your mom was the important part of you after all, etc. it feels a little rushed. and since its only "one page", it doesn't need to be too much more, just a tiny bit more elabouration.
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]
@ twizzlestraw: ok, thanks. haha, funny you mention that least favourite sentence - its my least favourite too. i threw it in last-minute cuz i had to include that, but its good to know that it really IS a bad sentence.
@ twizzlestraw: ok, thanks. haha, funny you mention that least favourite sentence - its my least favourite too. i threw it in last-minute cuz i had to include that, but its good to know that it really IS a bad sentence.
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]
thanks for your feedback, first of all! :)
your essay is very well-written; unfortunately i have to agree with the first commenter... the last thing college people want to hear is about teenage love. the VERY last thing, unless it has some very serious implications like your gf/bf died, got seriously ill (i.e., cancer, AIDS etc), etc., and then you can talk about that struggle.... but since you're not on that boat, steer completely clear of the whole boyfriend thing.
the Oprah example was nice; instead you may really want to hone in on that. don't jump around the different examples, though, your essay needs unification. also, tell us more than just about the predictable outcome: "that you learned from the experience," etc. go deeper, tell us what it means to dream, why, how it affects you deeply, why is it important to be both realistic and inspired at the same time (which you sort of touch on, but now you should sort of run with that)...
other than that, looks pretty good... i'm not doing common apps, so i don't know as clearly what they're looking for as UC's, but if its open topic, seems to be fine.
good luck! :)
thanks for your feedback, first of all! :)
your essay is very well-written; unfortunately i have to agree with the first commenter... the last thing college people want to hear is about teenage love. the VERY last thing, unless it has some very serious implications like your gf/bf died, got seriously ill (i.e., cancer, AIDS etc), etc., and then you can talk about that struggle.... but since you're not on that boat, steer completely clear of the whole boyfriend thing.
the Oprah example was nice; instead you may really want to hone in on that. don't jump around the different examples, though, your essay needs unification. also, tell us more than just about the predictable outcome: "that you learned from the experience," etc. go deeper, tell us what it means to dream, why, how it affects you deeply, why is it important to be both realistic and inspired at the same time (which you sort of touch on, but now you should sort of run with that)...
other than that, looks pretty good... i'm not doing common apps, so i don't know as clearly what they're looking for as UC's, but if its open topic, seems to be fine.
good luck! :)
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tears of Life" - UC Essay #2 [8]
It is almost finished but i need some advice about anything i should leave out, and if there's a better way I can talk about pride without actually literally mentioning it. thank you.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this experience makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Tears of Life"
The only sound I could hear was the steady pound of the hospital clock as it solemnly announced each second. That, and the crackling rasp of her breath as it slowly threaded in, then out. An eternity would pass between each and every breath. The only thing I could do now - the only thing anyone could do - was wait. And so I waited, my mind paralysed and my hand locked tightly in hers, determined to anchor every last moment to my heart; every moment was bringing her closer, closer... Suddenly, her breath ceased. I waited for the next breath to come; surely, I thought, it will come. Not a sound. And then I felt a giant force crash over my heart, a powerful wave that slammed into my soul, and then everything went black.
Memories. They came to me suddenly, flitting like an enormous flock of butterflies through my mind, each one evanescent and fragile. Her wrinkled hands weave delicate braids through my hair. She hands me a soft set of handmade clothes, and I can feel her love and her warm smell in the soft folds. Her laugh was dangerously contagious, and by the time we had recovered we couldn't remember what was so funny in the first place; thus started a new rumble of laughter. I couldn't escape her tight and powerful hugs: they were made strong by her love. The scrumptious smell of her fresh Pakistani cooking wafts into my nose, and nothing other than her unconditional love could have enabled her to prepare a meal for her family despite her illness. My body was wrenching violently with sobs. This wasn't real, I thought wildly; no, this is my grandmother; she's always been here, she will always be here. I struggled amidst my hysteria to peer through my swollen red eyes at her peaceful form, lying as if in sleep, realizing that her hand was still warm in mine. I reached out to my mom helplessly, and she held me like when I was a child, until gradually the anguish and pain that filled the little room drowned out the last of my agony, slipping me into unconsciousness.
That rainy November day when she died was a pivotal moment in my life. As I stood in front of my grandmother's sodden grave, soft drops of rain mingled with my tears, and woefully smudging them away with my hand, I began to reflect. During her life, nearly every day I was with her, she would repeat to me the importance of loving your family unconditionally, despite the arguments and frustrations, to keep a calm and forgiving heart. She would always say to me, "Always remember your love for your family," and intellectually, I thought I understood what this meant, but it wasn't until she died that the true potency of her simple message really hit me. It was then that not only did her words sink into my heart, but gradually, they began to manifest through my actions as well. I began to look inside myself in all my actions, and as I went about my daily life, I tried to remember her lessons of love and gratitude in everything I did, particularly in trying moments with my family. Very gradually, I began to understand the full gravity of her words as their truth shined when I acted upon them, when I let peace shine through my actions instead of anger.
The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself. As I continue to grow and learn, I want to pass on her legacy to others, to teach them what she taught me: unconditional love and compassion.
It is almost finished but i need some advice about anything i should leave out, and if there's a better way I can talk about pride without actually literally mentioning it. thank you.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this experience makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Tears of Life"
The only sound I could hear was the steady pound of the hospital clock as it solemnly announced each second. That, and the crackling rasp of her breath as it slowly threaded in, then out. An eternity would pass between each and every breath. The only thing I could do now - the only thing anyone could do - was wait. And so I waited, my mind paralysed and my hand locked tightly in hers, determined to anchor every last moment to my heart; every moment was bringing her closer, closer... Suddenly, her breath ceased. I waited for the next breath to come; surely, I thought, it will come. Not a sound. And then I felt a giant force crash over my heart, a powerful wave that slammed into my soul, and then everything went black.
Memories. They came to me suddenly, flitting like an enormous flock of butterflies through my mind, each one evanescent and fragile. Her wrinkled hands weave delicate braids through my hair. She hands me a soft set of handmade clothes, and I can feel her love and her warm smell in the soft folds. Her laugh was dangerously contagious, and by the time we had recovered we couldn't remember what was so funny in the first place; thus started a new rumble of laughter. I couldn't escape her tight and powerful hugs: they were made strong by her love. The scrumptious smell of her fresh Pakistani cooking wafts into my nose, and nothing other than her unconditional love could have enabled her to prepare a meal for her family despite her illness. My body was wrenching violently with sobs. This wasn't real, I thought wildly; no, this is my grandmother; she's always been here, she will always be here. I struggled amidst my hysteria to peer through my swollen red eyes at her peaceful form, lying as if in sleep, realizing that her hand was still warm in mine. I reached out to my mom helplessly, and she held me like when I was a child, until gradually the anguish and pain that filled the little room drowned out the last of my agony, slipping me into unconsciousness.
That rainy November day when she died was a pivotal moment in my life. As I stood in front of my grandmother's sodden grave, soft drops of rain mingled with my tears, and woefully smudging them away with my hand, I began to reflect. During her life, nearly every day I was with her, she would repeat to me the importance of loving your family unconditionally, despite the arguments and frustrations, to keep a calm and forgiving heart. She would always say to me, "Always remember your love for your family," and intellectually, I thought I understood what this meant, but it wasn't until she died that the true potency of her simple message really hit me. It was then that not only did her words sink into my heart, but gradually, they began to manifest through my actions as well. I began to look inside myself in all my actions, and as I went about my daily life, I tried to remember her lessons of love and gratitude in everything I did, particularly in trying moments with my family. Very gradually, I began to understand the full gravity of her words as their truth shined when I acted upon them, when I let peace shine through my actions instead of anger.
The lessons that she has taught are invaluable, and nothing has given me such a quiet pride as knowing that I had had the humility to first accept myself as I was, then learn to assimilate these qualities and accept the changes I needed to make in myself to become a better person, and finally truly fulfil my duty to my grandmother, my family, and myself. As I continue to grow and learn, I want to pass on her legacy to others, to teach them what she taught me: unconditional love and compassion.
shanemrys
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]
Looks nice :)
however, I would try to elabourate a little more towards the end (and in your conclusion - i understand it's not written yet) about how she affected you, and how you will use these qualities in your aspirations/future. How will you apply them, basically, and how is this really meaningful to you. Sort of try and imply how you could use them in a career. the UC people want to know how you will use the qualities. now, you don't need to explicitly say "i will use these qualities in my career in counselling/teaching/whatever", but, try and at least imply a direction, e.g., "in the care of others," "in showing children these qualities" whatever.
its almost there!
Looks nice :)
however, I would try to elabourate a little more towards the end (and in your conclusion - i understand it's not written yet) about how she affected you, and how you will use these qualities in your aspirations/future. How will you apply them, basically, and how is this really meaningful to you. Sort of try and imply how you could use them in a career. the UC people want to know how you will use the qualities. now, you don't need to explicitly say "i will use these qualities in my career in counselling/teaching/whatever", but, try and at least imply a direction, e.g., "in the care of others," "in showing children these qualities" whatever.
its almost there!
