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Posts by birdslapper
Joined: Nov 25, 2009
Last Post: Aug 29, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  

From: United States of America

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birdslapper   
Aug 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "trained to think logically and persevere" - U.T at Austin Transfer SOP [2]

Hey, so this is my First draft and I definitely need some help.

Prompt

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

My essay

In one second, my mind scattered in disarray. In one second formulas, numbers, and the feeling of anticipation flooded into my mind. The sweat trickled down my arm to the fingertips. My hand loomed over the button. The echo of "The Final Countdown" wafted into my ears, at the peak of the song I pushed down hard and watched. The launcher recoiled back and all eyes were on the tennis ball as it soared through arch of wooden hoops. Every hoop that it passed through was a reflection of our success, and as the ball slipped through the last hoop it became an accomplishment.

Through my basic engineering courses I was trained to think logically and persevere through challenging obstacles. A hurdle to be jumped, a rope that has to be climbed, or a hill that has to be conquered, it became more than just tough mathematical problem, but also a crucial aspect of life. Throughout my years I started to become a ping pong ball being battered against the wooden panels waiting to be halted by the net. I moved from Pakistan, England, South and North California, Boston, and then Texas. Starting anew with no bearings, I planted my own roots in each new location; Friends, Education, and the feeling of home. I was stuck in a predicament. Engineers are able to evaluate all aspects of the problem and apply it logically to find an answer and that became my impetus. I applied their ways of life to my own and surely enough it fit. Rather have a negative outlook on my life I went to work and stuck my roots everywhere I went planting a piece of my teenage years into the ground. Through determination I was able to find some common ground, I was able to assess my goals and scout for a path to fulfill them. It became like complex equation consisting of variables and numbers. After numerous attempts of juggling the variables around I was able to find a path for the solution, all I had to do was plug in the right numbers. I chose the numbers and placed them accordingly, it just became a matter of time to see the answer.

I want to see myself pass through every hoop, pass through every stage of life, and push through to the very end without any regrets. My ability obtained from engineering has only laid the foundation of future problems, and with a clear mind my aspirations can become a reality.

See what works and what doesn't, be harsh and cruel (if needed). Life depends on this :)
birdslapper   
Aug 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Moving from New York City, I had trouble" - Boston University Supplement [4]

Hey,

Okay so couple of things, I would get rid of this

"This was until I discovered my true purpose for moving to Massachusetts. My purpose for moving to Massachusetts was to discover Boston University."

The main reason why is because this isn't your purpose of moving, it was probably parent related or something. Switch up your sentence a bit.

Moving from New York City, I had trouble adjusting to west suburban Massachusetts and thought the last three years of my high school career were going to be absolutely dreadful. Until recently a friend from BU introduced me to Boston University, I was able to experience first hand the vast variety of culture that the university portrayed....and so on. Not the right word play but you get what I mean.

With these type of essays they want you to say something more than what your getting at, make it specific. Like the golden arches of the bucknill (made that up) hall glazed off the sun into my cranium and urged my desire to grow. Mention a particular building rather than just being vague, this will prove you have seen the university and you have done a bit of research. Whatever your major is, include a bit of it. Like Boston University has strains of the deadliest viruses known to man such as ebola, boston university will train me in the most dangerous of fields that other colleges just can't live up too. Just a arbitrary sentence.

You have little bit of a basis of your essay, but make sure to include something specific and include why do you want to study there. Any student can put forth diversity but add a little academic substance and you will be fine. Hope this helps.
birdslapper   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "The choices you make" -UC essay prompt #1 [3]

Can you guys check for grammar errors since I am completely and utterly terrible at that, and tell what you think and what this essay tells you about me. plz and thank you :)

UC essay prompt #1-Describe the world around you and how it shapes your dreams and aspirations

It is inevitable that an individual must start to assume his role in decision making of his own life. Usually this person begins this ideal of independence when he reaches the dedicated age of adulthood; I had to start before that. Here I am, a sixteen year-old living as an adult managing his own life.

All of a sudden my dad says "I am moving in a week to Boston. It is your choice whether to stay here and rent an apartment or come with me." I chuckled a bit and realized "Wait Dad, your serious". I had to decide whether I wanted to leave everything I had behind and start anew in Boston or continue with my current life but having my family taken out of the picture. After a bunch of tears and many goodbyes I chose to remain here in California. I scouted for an apartment that was affordable and close to school, but there were always certain aspects that were essential to a good apartment that I neglected. The surroundings of an apartment, whether they were tranquil or raucous, the heating and air conditioning utilities were functional and if it had working appliances.

Living on your own came with a lot of responsibility, you had to fix your own meals, do your own laundry and pay the bills. I was spoiled in the sense that my parents would take care of my needs and mistakes, they were my fall back. It was total independence a concept foreign me. In my apartment the toilet was running water so the flush lever wouldn't work. Usually my parents would solve this issue and call up a technician or my Dad would fix it. Unfortunately, it was the weekend and bathroom technicians are expensive, so hiring a plumber was out of the question. Normally, I wouldn't attempt an action of fixing a toilet without prior knowledge, but it had to be done. Despite the bleakness of the situation, I decided to take the challenge rather than play the waiting game. I removed the top of cover of the toilet and observed how the mechanism functioned while messing around with the various components. After many flicking of switches, and turning of screws and knobs I discovered the correct one and the luxury of hearing my toilet flush again. I had an epiphany, a realization that my only reliance was myself. I had to be responsible; I was liable for each of my actions and it was up to me to resolve them.

I had my dream of living as an engineer. It was the mechanics of how various things worked and I could improve on them. Being independent and away from my home propelled me forward to seeing that engineers need to rely on their own knowledge to find a solution to their predicaments. They have to make their choice and live with the consequences. Here I am a seventeen-year old living as an adult, paving his own road to achieve his destination.
birdslapper   
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / From Taiwan to the United States -UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World [5]

I like it
my essay is similar (too similar hate u :) ) because I am currently living by myself while my parents reside in Boston. My parents came from Pakistan and my dad was raised up poor, too alike....

the sentence is awkward where at the end where its like but ,beyond all these, just omit that.
Idk what to say, I feel as if this was a powerful essay that really showed you good enough to turn in