Undergraduate / My great-grandma and Alzheimer's- UC Prompt #1 [3]

Final draft of the University of California Prompt #1
please critique as harshly as possible. i already know the first paragraph is kinda choppy, i was limited with my word count. please and thank you! =D

My family is my world, and they have inspired me to pursue a degree in higher education. I am an only child, born to a single mother. My mother, is well... my mother. We have the coolest mother-daughter relationship that I have ever known. She has always been there for me when I needed her. I have watched her struggle to maintain a full time job, handle health issues, and pursue an R.N. degree at a local community college. Through her struggles I have learned to be strong, especially through the toughest of times.

My father abandoned me before I was born, but my mother's family quickly stepped in to fill his place. My grandmother is like a second mother. She makes sure I'm on top of everything and is always there for me as well. My aunt and uncle are Stanford graduates. They are my personal tutors and college guidance counselors.

If it weren't for my family, I do not know if I would be dreaming as big, or aiming as high. But my dreams and aspirations are not only inspired by my family, they are also inspired by something much greater than I could have ever imagined. My inspiration is two small words with more meanings than a dictionary: incurable disease.

This year, more than 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with cancer and more than 450,000 with Alzheimer's. For my family, we know these statistics all too well. On February 15th of this year, my great-grandmother succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease. In the days leading up to her passing, she suffered from hallucinations, was unable to eat, and was so disoriented that she was unable to communicate on her 94th birthday.

This really hit me hard and got me thinking about the history of health problems and cancer in my family. I want to prevent other families from having to go through what my family did watching my great-grandmother suffer. This experience has inspired my dream to become a biomedical engineer and to strive to create treatments to slow down the progression of incurable diseases. Furthermore, I dream to one day be a part of the biomedical team that discovers a cure for the cancers that have taken so many lives.

The world of my family has taught me everything it can, and now it is time to venture beyond the world of my family and into the new world of college where I can reach for and achieve my dreams.

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

Hello all! after reading some great essay reviews on this website i thought it might help me if i were to post mine for review as well. i am not the best writer out there but i really tried to write from my heart. please critique as harshly as you possibly can! thank you!

University of California Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Dance is my inspiration, my safe-haven, and the source of my confidence. As a baby, I was well known for being a talented wiggle worm with a flair for rhythm. My mother recognized my love for dance and enrolled me in ballet and tap classes for my third birthday. After a year of dance classes, the first recital arrived. It was my first performance, and I was overwhelmed with stage fright and thoughts that kept running through my head. What if I forget the dance? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey". At the end of the number, everyone applauded, the lights dimmed, and we all ran off the stage. There was a feeling of relief and a rush of adrenaline as I had just successfully performed my first number in front of an actual audience. It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off.

Since I've started dancing at the age of three, I've always been on the go with classes sometimes six days a week. At times, dance can get frustrating, especially when struggling with a technique, but I never give up because as a dancer, I learned discipline. One time I got so frustrated when my dance instructor choreographed a fouette into our dance. I didn't even know what a fouette was! After my instructor explained it to me, I started working on it. I knew how to do it, but not without moving at least a foot from where I started the fouette, which was really frustrating. After weeks of practice, I finally got it and was ecstatic. Even though it wasn't perfect, there was no better feeling than being able to run to my mother and share my success with her. To me, dance is about being able to learn new things, have fun with friends, and express myself through dance. It is very important to me in that if I ever had a bad day, it would always end on a good note because of dance. I would go to my class, forget about everything else, and focus solely on my dancing.

By the end of eighth grade, I decided that I should try something new since I was about to start high school. Since my high school didn't have a dance team, I decided that after eleven years of dance, I would try out for my high school cheer squad. Tryouts came around, and it was time to showcase my talent. I wasn't as nervous as I expected to be, but I guess that came from years of performing. I was confident in my tryouts, and I knew that I had done my best. That year, I made junior varsity and now I'm currently on the varsity squad. It's hard to think of what life would've been like if I never danced because I learned so many life lessons that have shaped who I am. At times, life can be difficult, but because of my self-discipline or confidence, I'm able to accomplish the task at hand. I just tell myself to never underestimate myself in any way. I am proud to be a dancer because of what I've learned, what I've accomplished, and what I've become.