Undergraduate / A person who has had a significant influence on you - "My father's story" [5]

Hi!

Wow. Just an amazing essay. Very touching. You've structured it well and it flows nicely too. Not to mention the writing is very nice.

If you get the chance, please take a look at my essay. I could really use your help.

Undergraduate / common app short answer - getting over fear of talking on phones [17]

Hi! After you so wonderfully critiqued my essay, I though I'd return the favor.

I love it! Its really relatable for me (I went through a similar experience for an organization).
As for the flow, I think it's pretty good. (If you are reeaaally worried about it, talk about how you improved from one conversation to the next, but I don't think you really need it.)

You discuss the transition of your nervousness of talking on the phone to strangers to your determination to help your cause. That is your main point and since it is a short answer, you do a pretty good job of getting to the point with precision. I wouldn't worry about the flow too much.

Hope this helps! ^_^

Undergraduate / Sociology - Im struggling if my prompt1 can impress the UC readers [3]

"Sociology is not science, is not only common sense , it is an advanced perspective of the world."
awkward structure~ Sociology is not a science or common sense but an advanced perspective of the world.

2nd sentence is a run-on. Try to keep it more fluid and easier to read. Remember admissions counselors have to go through a lot of essays, so the more flowy the structure the better.

Maybe discuss what about the sociology class made you love it so much. Was there a specific experience that influenced you?

Your experience is very impressive, but maybe bring your personality into the essay a bit more. What is it about you (character-wise) that makes sociology right for you? How does your personality show that you were a good fit for all volunteer work you have done?

The college may seem to be asking about your involvement, but they don't just want a list of your achievements either. Reading about all the great things you do makes you sound like a great person, but the reader still doesn't get to know the person behind the accomplishments. I think the admissions officer might feel the same way. Just a thought.

Overall, a very well-structured essay.

Hopes this helps! If you get the chance, please take a look at my essay. I need as much help as I can get. ^_^

Undergraduate / Princeton essay: fear of death [3]

Its up to you, but I just wanted to mention that in this book I read about writing college essays, you shouldn't go into your religious or political views unless you are applying to a religious school or as a theology major.

Your essay topic was good for the question asked. I'm pretty sure the quote is talking about unanswerable questions that we carry with us (like a burden). No matter how we wear away the question in our mind, the answer is still evasive. You have related it pretty well, but I would rework it a bit. Still, good job on such a difficult prompt!

Hope this helps! If you get the chance, I would really appreciate it if you could check out my essay.

Undergraduate / My essay about coming to America (Is my topic too overused?) [6]

Quite honestly, I really enjoyed your essay. It does need a little fine tuning here or there (but doesn't everyones!). About whether or not your topic is overused, I say don't worry about it. Each person's experience is unique and because your essay is enjoyable I think you shouldn't worry about it.

One thing I do want to mention to you is to be more specific of the time period in which this takes place. I wasn't really sure how old you were in the beginning of the essay and subsequently how old you were towards the end when you were reflecting (which is important). You might have mentioned it, I'm not sure, I just didn't catch it.

Hope this helps! Please take a look at my essay if you get the chance.

Undergraduate / "Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question [12]

purl81 is right. You have 2 different essays going on. Focus on the second half; it discusses a specific experience that exemplifies how diversity has influenced you. Talk about how talking in a language that is not your native tongue is difficult, but you still push "the boundaries" as you put it so nicely, to expand your world. Maybe even go into more detail about the first time you went diving.

Just remember that the essay isn't a resume. While you do want to sound focused and goal-oriented, don't give them a laundry list of how you are expanding your world ("play guitar, write poetry, wakeboarding, road tripped across country, helped an animal, fed the hungry..."). Stick with ONE example and go with it.

So to recap:
1) Choose one string of thought. Stick to it.
2) Now that you are writing only one essay, get into the specifics. The details are what bring out your personality- don't glaze over them. I know its hard, trust me, I have the same problem.

3) Go over some of your grammar with a fine toothed comb. I saw a mistake here or there that I think people have already commented on, so keep an eye open.

Just had to say keep your last sentence. I think its perfect for what your going for.
Hope this helps! I would really appreciate it if you could check out my essay if you get the chance.