Posts by ngocampo92

ngocampo92

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "I want to raise a healthy, happy family." - UC Application- Prompt 2 [4]

It's a Saturday afternoon in the Edelman household, yet it sounds more like a football game. There are at least fifteen kids of many ages running around the house, playing board games, talking, laughing or eating. To the outsider it must seem strange- there are also four adults sitting in the living room, calmly talking as chaos ensues around them. Yet to the insider, it is completely normal.

My family is large to begin with, for I am the eldest of five children. What sets my family apart though is the fact that it it has been extended to so many others in our community. My siblings and I, all bring home at least two friends after synagogue on Saturday, and often times kids would come on their own accord. My parents don't set the table until everyone has arrived; they never quite know how many people will be eating. Once everyone is present we all help to set up for lunch. Lunch is a spirited affair, often times it is necessary to yell in order to be heard above the incessant chatter and loud laughter, but it is all part of the experience.

This break from the monotony of the work week is a valued Jewish practice. The observance of the Shabbat allows us to maintain a balance between the secular and religious, the professional and the personal. This ability to balance, is a quality that both my parents exhibit. My father works long hours as the Chief Investment Officer of his firm, he wakes up every morning at four, and comes home at six in the evening to his family. My mother not only juggles driving five kids to different activities every day, but is also the president of the board of directors at the elementary and middle school my siblings attend. Then, after a long week of work, they welcome into our home at least fifteen kids, ten of whom are not their own, and provide them with lunch, snacks, games, and more. They do all of this without complaint, and have succeeded in raising five children who are all healthy and happy.

This sense of balance, the ability to take seemingly opposite forces- secular and religious, professional and personal- and mesh them together into a cohesive unit is something that I will continue to work hard to achieve. I have many goals for my secular life, I want to receive a stellar college education, work hard and go to graduate school, and succeed there and enter into the professional world, doing something I enjoy, something that challenges me, something rewarding. But I need to remember to keep the rest of my life balanced as well. I want to raise a healthy, happy family. One day, I hope my house will be as loud and as full as my parent's house is on a Saturday afternoon. (good ending! It's a perfect last line.)

Overall your essay was well written, your diction was consistent and it "flowed" well.
Thanks again for reading my essay, I think I might just change my writing to a third person perspective just so that it seems more like its being read from a book! Thanks again and good luck! :)

ngocampo92

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Nianna was a young girl' - Common App Essay: Influential Person [5]

Oh thank you for catching those lol! :D i shall go edit your right now!

ngocampo92

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1. scattered thoughts.The workd you come from [8]

Content Suggestions
You have a great topic I think you just need to expand more on how other cultures have impacted you. You should be specific, talk about your thoughts when you first experienced something that was not related to your Chinese culture. You should talk about your new friends and how they have exposed to you to worlds beyond Chinatown. Also since the overall theme in your essay is perspective you need to talk about how your perspective has changed maybe you could even talk about a situation and say how you would have viewed it through your previous "Chinese eyes" and then say how you would view that situation now, since your exposure to various cultures has given you a new perspective.

Sentence Edits and Add ons
Perspective is the angle with which we view the world. When committed to only one angle, our community as we see it becomes narrow, and subject to the critique of one culture, one set of laws and flaws. Yet as one changes perspective, inheriting various outlooks on life, each new challenge presents an opportunity to __________ . (you could say: further widen one's vision and perhaps even expand someone else's.)[remove whole paragraph?](No no this is good! It introduces your theme, you need to start and end talking about perspective)

A young girl, eating lunch with her friends in the heart of Chinatown, is gently pulled aside. Her mother tells her two words that she is too young to fully comprehend.

"We're moving."

Blissfully unaware, the naïve child asks, "How many friends can I bring?" Her mother responds with a somber yet knowing smile.( it think you can delete this paragraph, you don't need this narrative because you've already stated that your moving.)

For a long time after our move, I felt as if I had been pulled apart: one foot trapped in Chinatown, San Francisco, and the other in San Diego. I could not understand why we were leaving the community that I had known for so many years. I had told my friends that I would be back soon. [remove?]

Not realizing it at the time, I had been attending a school where over 90% of the students were Asian American, and although other races were always welcome, they were admittedly rare. As a community, we had shared one culture, celebrating Chinese New Year with dragon parades and attending Chinese school to learn our characters. Shifting to a community in which ethnic diversity was commonplace, I ironically felt lost and out of place.

Expanding my definition of community had created a new and unforgettable chapter in my life. Although my fluency in Chinese was later replaced by English and Spanish, I eventually grew accustomed to, and appreciative of, the various cultures and perspectives of my new companions. Gaining an admiration for varying approaches to life, I flourished with friends that I now could not imagine my life without. Most importantly, I expanded my perspectives on life, from relationships to daily issues. [i hate this sentence] (I'm not actually sure what you are trying to say here. Are you trying to say that you stopped thinking about relationships as in boys? or are you trying to say that you stopped thinking way to far into the future and instead are focusing on the day to day matters? If your motive in writing this sentence was the second one, then you could instead say: Most importantly I have gained a new perspective on life, shifting my focus from the ambiguity of the future to the simple day to day moments in my life.

This ability to look at things from different perspectives have shaped my dreams and aspirations to become an engineer. Engineers solve problems, often on a global scale. With a broad spectrum of growing perspectives, wegfearbgaewr

(this is where you should put your piece on your friends and how they have expanded your "vision". If you want to tie the theme of "changing perspectives" in your essay you need to be specific, how did your perspective change? and in order to answer that question you need to state your previous perspective and compare it to your new one.)

[wanted to tie "changing perspectives" into how engineers need to be able to look at problems from different angles. But not just say it like that, instead say it more professional. Bleh.]

Overall though you have a great topic! And I like your theme haha Good Luck!
I hope this helped! Thank you so much for reading mines! I'll keep replying on your revisions once you make them :)

ngocampo92

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "Sunflower" significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken... [4]

Your sunflower metaphor was beautiful.

Sunflowers extend [their] neck and twigs. Although they are slender and deformed, sunflowers scrape their roots like fingernails deep into the earth, straightening their faces to the sun. They grow in thorns, but by the end of summer, you will see them flourish with the fruitation(is that a word?) of maturity.

ngocampo92

Nov 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay [3]

Great essay! it was well written and your diction throughout your essay was consistent.
My only suggestion is that you talk more about your newfound love for the marine biology
because the majority of your essay is spent talking about how you took care of animals.
Maybe you could talk more exactly what about the ocean excites you. You say the mystery intrigues you, but maybe you could be more specific and talk about how there's such a diversity of life underneath the sea. You just need to convey the fact that your love for marine biology is GREATER than your interest in veterinary sciences.

ngocampo92

Nov 29, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Nianna was a young girl' - Common App Essay: Influential Person [5]

NEED A THOROUGH EDIT? EDIT MINE AND I"LL GIVE YOU USEFUL FEEDBACK REAL FEEDBACK!

2.) Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

A secret library exists, containing the biographies of all people in the world. However, these books are unconsciously written. Pages are added whenever the individual experiences a change in perception or a change in thought. The books of the dead are finished and stored away, so that others may learn from the lessons they have recorded, while the books of the living are still incomplete, with new chapters constantly being written and titled after the people who have caused the most change within them. The library is a haven for the lost and confused. Those in need of inspiration and guidance find themselves wandering the marbled halls of this hidden place. I never expected to find myself here, reading from the book of a complete stranger and yet finding the answers to all of my questions. I then began to wonder what was written in my own book. "Who were the great influencers of my life?" I wondered. After spending exactly 15 minutes trying to discourage me from reading my own book the librarian finally directed me to Section 080592. I found my book in row 23; its deep blue color immediately caught my eye. I closed my eyes and opened my book to Chapter 4: Fides Magtoto.

Since Nianna was a young girl she lived inside this shell, in this shell she was safe from the criticism, the pain, and the judgment of the world. Her shell was both her haven and her hell, it protected her and yet it kept her hidden; it kept her from living. She was always so concerned of people's thoughts that she never bothered to enter that art contest, or join that group discussion, or better yet, talk to that boy. No, she kept herself at a distance, because as a spectator she can't lose, but at the same time she'll also never win. Sure she had ideas, she had thoughts, but a visionary without action is simply an invisible artist. Fides Magtoto was her wakeup call. Nianna's cousin was 17 years old when she was diagnosed with leukemia. It's a sad fact to know that we can only see the value of something when we are at the brink of losing it. At 17, her cousin was lying on a hospital bed, the tubes running up and down her body, with no company but the beeping machines that kept her stable. The isolation she endured for months on end reshaped her perspective on the world she saw outside her window. Fides taught Nianna how to see the value in things before they are lost. She showed Nianna that there was no happiness in safety, only regret. Now this snail has abandoned her shell becoming a fully fledged slug, bare and vulnerable. Fides spent the entirety of her youth lying in a hospital bed, with minimal contact with the outside world. The loneliness she felt was indescribable, her friends gave her magazines but it only made her own disconnection more apparent. It pained her to know that while she laid on her bed her friends were shopping, talking, living, for the world kept moving and there was no way she could stop it. She became a spectator, but unlike Nianna, she couldn't play, Nianna on the other hand simply chose not to play. Choice was the differentiating factor. Fides Magtoto is 24 years old now, she defeated Leukemia and in approximately six months from now she will graduate from Cal State University Channel Islands with a bachelor's in nursing. To this day there is still a chance that the cancer might come back, and because of this Nianna's cousin lives as though she could die tomorrow, literally. She never wants to lie back in that hospital bed and say the words the words "I wish I had..." Life is meant to be lived moment by moment she tells me.

The shell is gone now, Nianna is exposed and yet she happy. Her vulnerability forces her to trust in her talents, and her own convictions. She plays the game now, accepting both her wins and her losses. She has learned to trust in herself and mute the voices of insecurity. Life is transitory and unexpected, Fides showed her that. Nianna Ocampo is a slug and like a slug she is defenseless against the world, when threatened she must simply harden herself against the pain that comes with living. But she would choose pain over regret any day, because at least with pain you don't speak would-a, could-a, should-a talk.

The chapter ended, but the words were still flooding into my mind. As I skimmed through the other chapters, I was surprised by some of the names I came across. They were people whose names I least expected to see and yet these were the people who have shaped me into what I am today. I then realized that nothing in this world stays the same; we are all in constant metamorphosis, be it a change in perspective, a change in friends, even perhaps a change in mindset. Change is the word that describes life in my dictionary. We are malleable creatures, products of the influences around us. Amidst the backdrop of inconsistency that encompasses this grand stage we call life, only one aspect ever truly remains perpetual in our stories and that is our own malleability. We learn things from our parents, from our friends and even from strangers, learning from each other in this sort of symbiotic relationship. We are often unconscious to the reality that we are all teachers at one point in our lives. The homeless man who sits on the sidewalk showed me my own fortune and the gratitude I should always feel for merely having a home, while the young man who stops to give this homeless man food from the nearby restaurant strengthens my belief in the kindness of humans. These are the lessons I learn in my daily life. However, the most important lessons I have learned, I realize were taught by the people closest to me. Yes I am a slug, bare, vulnerable and insignificant when compared to the world around me and yet I wouldn't choose to be anything else because as a slug I am completely open to the world, open to the malleability. Snails are protected but they cannot see change, they cannot be a part of it. I am a part of the world for I am visible. Sure slugs are slow but my movements are gradual because I want to enjoy every moment of the journey, just like my cousin said "moment by moment."

I WILL BE AWAKE UNTIL 4:00 tonight so i will get your edits done by TODAY!
PLEASE HELP my due date is soon and i really need some feedback!