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Posts by northerlywind
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: May 15, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  

Displayed posts: 7
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northerlywind   
May 15, 2011
Essays / Introduction for a 6000-word essay. How many words? [10]

The introduction should only be maximum 11 sentence. A 6000 word essay should be 8 or 11 paragraphs; doesn't mean the introduction should be proportionally longer.
northerlywind   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Early riser / College options ('letter to roommate' / 'Why Stanford is good for you') [7]

Haha, I love the post script! Maybe leave out the last sentence? It seems a tad aggressive, in my opinion. Just my own thoughts though.

Good place: way too statistical! My eyes started to glaze over after that tedious ramble of different unis you could shorten it to "in which representatives from many prestigious university gave presentations" and "I noticed that the person representing Stanford had the most to say"... sorry to say this, and don't mean to come off as rude, but that sounds so boring! That whole paragraph, indeed, is quite dull. The last two sentences are mostly adequate, but... still.

I get you want to tell the truth (trust me, I'm the same), but at least embellish it a little to show your ENTHUSIASM. You seem very concise, that's good, but to a point that everything is just monotone. It's much better with the roommate letter, but this second one is still... meh. Try to convey how excited you'd be to go to Stanford! Don't come off as a "OMG MY LIFE DREAM I HAVE POSTERS ALL OVER MY WALLS" but show hey, I really WANT to attend Stanford, which you're not exactly showing at this point.

I like the last paragraph though.

Anyway, keep at it, good luck! Cheers.
northerlywind   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "an experience worth the try" - why Chicago?? [3]

You should, it's rather wordy.

"My answer is yes for a simple reason: my sincere and true hope for knowledge and opportunities."

"With people from 68 countries besides the Americans, one can surely make a home for himself"
Fragmented sentence! Also, when using 'one' it's usually implied neuter, so using 'himself' is a little off. Try something like "With over 60 countries represented at Chicago... blah blah" The second part of that sentence even seems irrelevant to the first. In general that sentence is confusing and I suggest you just crap it rather than try to reword it.
northerlywind   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / Why did Kimveer Gill murder? - Paragraph for Psychology class [3]

This is a paragraph I wrote for my high school intro to anthropology, sociology, psychology class. I just want a bit of feedback on it. It's about Kimveer Gill, a guy from Montreal, Canada who started shooting randomly at Dawson College on September 13, 2006. Without further ado:

Why did Kimveer Gill murder?

Kimveer Gill was led to commit acts of violence due to various events which caused him to plunge him into a state of depression and hate, his need for control in his increasingly unstable life, and his desire to recognized in society. "[ . . . ] there was some form of imbalance that started to occur [after high school]", suggests Kimveer's former moral education and social studies teacher. His high school years were normal; he had a good number of friends, and was not bullied. However, he didn't seem to fit in very well past graduation: he dropped out of college, was 'honourably released' from the Armed Forces, and then laid off a job. In addition, his father had heart problems, and his mother was fighting breast cancer. All these events made him feel helpless - thus, he turned to violence as an answer. Kimveer's evident hunger for power is shown in his inclination for guns - 'large-calibre' ones in particular. He felt he could not properly connect with those in the real world, so he chose to join an online community, VampireFreaks.com, where he could relay his innermost feelings in his 'journal'. Kimveer called guns the Great Equalizer - evidently, he felt they could solve his problems. Many mass murderers have an interest in joining the military, so as to find an outlet for their emotions. However, Kimveer could not find balance in the army, and subsequently moved on. He describes the main character of one of his favorite videogames: "Postal dude was sad before he became angry and psychotic [ . . . ] he was normal, but the world made him the way he became." That's how Kimveer felt about himself - he was normal, but the world made him become otherwise. He was known among his acquaintances for having interest in the Columbine High School massacre, as well as 9/11 conspiracies. Richard Dupuis, commander of the major-crimes division in Montreal, noted it was clear he wanted to repeat what had happened at Columbine. In a survey Kimveer took on VampireFreaks, he expressed his wishes to die "like Romeo and Juliet - or in a hail of gunfire." Numerous other quizzes he posted on the site evaluated him as being dark, suicidal, depressed, and murderous. He even manipulated an image of a tombstone to read his name and "Lived fast, died young, left a mangled corpse." Kimveer clearly wished to die, and not only that, but to die momentously. "Think about it," said Rajiv Rajan, a childhood friend, "an anarchist would choose a central place in the city where he could create the most chaos, like shutting down the metro, having people screaming and running everywhere. [ . . . ] I think that's what he wanted." Kimveer's feeling of powerlessness, unfortunate incidents in his life, and wish for fame drove him to kill one and injure nineteen that fateful September day.
northerlywind   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / "the doctor announced that I was pregnant" - Courageous action [5]

I think you should start on a rather dramatic note. :) For example: "The doctor walked into the room, a solemn expression on his face; I had no idea that the news he was about to give me would change my life." Then...

I was shocked when the doctor announced that I was pregnant.I didn't expect a pregnancy at this time, when my relationship had ended a month ago. My boyfriend didn't know that I was pregnant because we hadn't planned it.Seeing that my boyfriend and I broke up a month earlier, the pregnancy was a complete surprise. For the first time in my life, I had to face a difficult situation that required a courageous action. I was a college student whose school expenses depended on financial aid and family support. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to take care of my baby.

I come from an immigrant family and was the only child who could attend college. I was always told that finishing college was my first priority. Strongly believing in education, my parents sacrificed a great deal to see that I was provided with quality education. However, if I told them what was happening to me, I was afraid that they would be disappointed and wouldn't be forgive me. Though, I decided to keep my baby and confided to my parents.

Although I don't remember exactly how our conversation went on that day, I was aware that it was an extremely uneasy moment for me. It was hard for my parents to accept the truth. They were astounded and frustrated. They suggested that I should have an abortion and continued my education; otherwise, they wouldn't support me with my finance.

I knew that being a single mother was not an easy task, especially, I had to deal with my own finance . Eventually, I had to search for a full-time job everywhere, from anthe Internet to a newspaper. Luckily, I had found a full-time jobfound one and obtained heath insurance covered for my baby and myself for me and my baby. But most importantly, I was interested in the job I was doing. I worked as a maternity care assistant at the OB doctor's office, and I decided to continue my education in the medical field.

I was surprised to discover that I had so much energy, which allowed me to work at the daytime and go to school during nighttime. Maybe it was because of the anticipation of becoming a mother that made me so much stronger. I have come to realize that life doesn't go as smoothly as we expect sometimes. Yet, at low point in our lives, and under difficult circumstances, we need to respond with courageous action
northerlywind   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / We can now buy more things but lost our traditional values and customs -IELTS writing [3]

The first sentence is a good hook. :) I like it!

However, your grammar needs work!

It should be THE majority of people. DO NOT START A SENTENCE WITH AND. Also, I'm not sure if this is meant to be an opinion paragraph, but try not using so many I's.

Also, please avoid starting *every sentence* with the word "I think" or "I suppose" or "In my opinion". As many of my teachers like to say: I ALREADY KNOW THIS IS YOUR WORK AND THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK, YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP SAYING IT. The second sentence is way too opinionated and irrelevant, the last sentence is a fragment. Try ending it like so: "People nowadays need to think less about money and more about the customs they should pass on to their children". The piece in general is alright, but difficult to read due to all the grammar issues. Patch it up and you'll be on your way! :)
northerlywind   
Dec 6, 2009
Writing Feedback / History Class - Canadian Great Depression Essay [3]

We were supposed to analyze the four politician's views and solutions, so without further ado(thank you, in advance!):

The Great Depression was unexpected, yet inevitable. The stock market prices were inflated to nearly breaking point, but there were no actions to show for it. Eventually, people started to realize nothing was resulting from all the stock buying - and panicked. Everyone started selling as much as they could, as fast as they could so they could still make some profit. The major economic figures of the time tried to sustain the stock market by investing all they could, but to no avail - the prices took a huge tumble, and it would be a long time before they would manage to rise up again. "The Depression altered established perceptions of the economy and the role of the state."1 Several influential political figures - J. S. Woodsworth, W. L. M. King, William Aberhart, and R. B. Bennett - had strong opinions regarding the correct course of action for the Great Depression. Some of these ideas were new, and required a good deal of 'faith', such as Aberhart's, and King's. Others were more rational, with a detailed plan in mind, like Woodsworth's, and Bennett's. People finally understood that the carefree days of the 20s were gone, and they needed some sort of direction in order to recover from this catastrophe.

William Aberhart had the most radical idea of the four politicians. Aberhart was the Social Credit Premier of Alberta from 1935 to 1943. His explanation for the Great Depression was that people simply did not have enough money to sustain themselves. Therefore, his suggestion was to give everybody $25 a month, to purchase necessities. According to Aberhart, if every citizen received $25, then the whole economic system could be saved. The employers would have money, so they wouldn't have to lay off any workers; the workers would have money so they would be able to purchase consumer products, and so on. This proposition was obviously quite flawed: how many of the citizens would really use the money to buy 'necessities'? How much of the government's money would be wasted before they realized this was not going to work? Thankfully, the citizens of Canada(or rather, Alberta) never found out - Aberhart's idea of 'Social Credit' never did garner much reception, and so he did not have a chance to put his idea into play.

James Shaver Woodsworth was the first leader of the Co-operative Commonwealth Federation(CCF), which was:
... a political coalition of progressive, socialist, and labour forces anxious to establish a political vehicle capable of bringing about economic reforms to improve the circumstances of those suffering the effects of the Great Depression.2

Woodsworth believed the Great Depression was a result of citizens given too much free rein. He wished for the government to step in and take control. With the government to influence the economy, inflation would be suppressed, interest rates would be kept low, and everyone would be happy - or so Woodsworth claimed. Not only would the government control formerly privatized banks, they would also implement policies such as unemployment insurance, welfare, pension, and compensation. This plan relied heavily on a 'trustworthy' government, since all economic matters would be taken care of by the current political party in rule. If the government was 'corrupt', or if they didn't put enough attention on issues of concern, once again, the country would be in trouble. Woodsworth had a good idea that could work out to save the economy - but only if the government was very careful.

William Lyon Mackenzie King was the prime minister of Canada (of the Liberal Party) - from 1921-1926, 1926-1930, and 1935-1948. "Just prior to the election, King blundered badly by carelessly responding to criticism over his handling of the economic crisis."3 By doing so, he lost the election of 1930 and the government went to R. B. Bennett's Conservatives. King's proposition did not have much strategic basis. He asked citizens for patience, and he suggested lowering taxes. Lowering taxes would not aid the economy at all, in fact, it would make it even worse. Without enough tax money, the government would not be able to do anything in a crisis. This scheme seemed to be almost the exact opposite of Woodsworth's socialist one. King's idea was evidently not one he had thought too much about - at a time when everyone was panicking, this was not the reassuring message citizens wanted to hear from their Prime Minister.

Richard Bedford Bennett of the Conservative Party became the Prime Minister of Canada after beating the Liberals in 1930. Bennett thought the Depression was caused by Canadians buying goods from other countries rather than Canada, and proposed tariffs to solve this problem:

In office Bennett proceeded to launch a modest public works program to provide employment, but his major response to Depression conditions was to increase the tariff to unprecedented levels, followed by an initiative which led to the establishment of preferential tariff arrangements within the British Empire. These policies probably further restricted Canadian export trade and increased the burden of the Depression on those who already felt it most. Such policies, the arbitrary treatment of protesters, and the apparent cold aloofness of the bachelor-millionaire prime minister made Bennett an increasingly unpopular leader.4

Bennett has quoted Abraham Lincoln5 as saying:
I am not a learned man. I know nothing of economics, and when you to talk to me about tariffs and economics I do not quite understand: but this I do know, that when I was a boy the steel rails for the railroads then being built in America were made in Belgium and Germany and England, and the Belgian, the German and the Englishman got the price for them and did the work, and we got the rails. Our Congress put on something called a tariff, and as a result we have the rails and we have the work and we have the money, too.

This shows Bennett had the belief that Canada's economy could be saved if high tariffs were imposed on foreign goods. Ridiculous tariffs meant people would be pressured to purchase cheaper Canadian goods, and so Canadian businesses and factories would benefit. Nowadays, that would seem like a pretty logical idea, but the people in the 1930s weren't ready for change. They didn't want to buy Canadian items, but nor did they want to pay more for the items they'd always bought at the same price for years. Perhaps the reason Bennett's idea failed in the end was because Canadians were just too stubborn and traditional to conform to this fairly modern plan.

After such a prosperous and happy decade, Canadians were hit hard by the Great Depression, and the problems it brought along. Aberhart seemed to have unrealistic expectations for the 'morals' of people - he assumed, in his plan, that the citizens would use the money purely for 'necessities' and not for anything else. King did not bother making a serious proposition - he wanted citizens to be patient, and wait it out. When pressured to make an 'actual' plan, his only idea was to lower taxes, which would have harmed the already beaten economy. Bennett's idea had potential - however, increasing tariffs meant Canadian businesses had less competition, therefore price-lowering wouldn't be a priority. During the Depression, when people were desperate and needed items as cheap as they could get, this plan just wasn't going to succeed. Whether Canadians were too stubborn to listen, or another unknown reason, Bennett's plan failed. Out of the four politicians, Woodsworth seemed to have the most well thought out and successful plan. While Aberhart's, King's, and Bennett's ideas seemed to fizzle when put into action, the CCF's socialist scheme seemed to work... and, on a different level, still does today. As the government shaped society to be what it is now, it's only fair that they should be allowed to step in and make sure rules are regulated once in a while. The government cannot function without its citizens, that's true - however, nor can the citizens function without the government.

*There are a few direct block quotations, footnotes for sourcing and such that did not copy so well, but you get the drift.
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