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Posts by melb
Joined: Dec 14, 2009		 Last Post: Dec 16, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 10  

Displayed posts: 12
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melb   
Dec 16, 2009
Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]

Thank You for the complement and corrections. Yes, this is my first poem. I had to write a poem for school. I think it took me about 6 hours from conception to perfection. Since then, I have written several more. I'll try to post them soon.
melb   
Dec 16, 2009
Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

I know I'm a little late on this post, but I had a few comments.

I've always learned that voice is the ability to involve your readers in your writing.
A great author that has great 'voice' engages the readers. My definition of ingage is more than keeping thier mind occupied with interesting facts and figures, but you're unfolding the drama right before their eyes and dragging your readers along for the ride.One technique for doing this is to use present tense as much as possible. Also, use active sentences. This may be common knowledge, I'm not a writing guru-though I do enjoy it.

Also, I read a book on writing technique and it explained hooks as the main thoughts of your paper that hooks the rest of what you say. I don't have the book with me now but I remember it saying something like "hooks are the main thoughts upon which everything else hangs". I guess it would be beneficial if your 'hooks' were interesting enough to 'hook' your readers, that's the point isn't it?

Anyway great question.
melb   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Why Harvey Mudd College-This student asked and answered his own question [4]

Liberal art education has fascinated me fora longtime. My desire of traveling across the Pacific Ocean to the United States for higher education comes from this distinctive education.

....and have to focus on the chosen majors throughout four years of their lives

...to develop my comprehensive competence and good habits of mind.
I would consider revising this sentence. It took several times of reading it to understand what I think you meant.
...to develop my comprehensive competence and the good habits of a disciplined mind.
melb   
Dec 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Viet Nam traffic [7]

We have to face with many problems; one of which is traffic.
This sentence doesn't make sense. It should be We have to face many problems, or We are faced with many problems or even We face many problems. I prefer the last sentence it is concise, present tense, and active.

Also, I didn't understand what you meant by accident transport in the next sentence. Do you mean there's an ambualance shortage? or do you mean that there are more accidents. I don't understand what accident transport means.
melb   
Dec 14, 2009
Scholarship / "My desire for flight" scholarship essay help wanted [3]

Greetings!! This essay is for a flight scholarship.Please inform me of any grammer/spelling errors or style changes that would make it more compelling.The required lenth is 300 words or less. Thank you.

Where did your desire to fly originate? Were there any people or experiences that lead you in this direction?

Every pilot reflects with sweet fondness on his or her first flight. As an aspiring pilot, I too treasure my first time in the sky. Looking back, I see this experience birthed my passion for aviation.

Stepping out of the van, my eyes filled with airplanes and my heart with excitement. What could be better? This day, in August of 2006, would prove to be a momentous one. It was here, at the Brian, Ohio, fly-in I would make the best decision of my life-to be a pilot.

You must know, though, prior to this day I was oblivious to the aura that accompanies aviation; I was a stranger to all aspects of this vocation. I considered becoming a pilot because I hold a deep respect for my father's advice (he suggested the proposition) and my church needs a pilot for their missions department. However, after this day my consideration changed into determination.

Strolling through the display of birds soon to be auctioned, my dad opened the door to an old Cessna and for the first time I saw the inside of an airplane. I was hooked. Yet, life gets sweeter. During the discovery flight, I told the pilot someday I would fill his shoes. To my surprise, he gave me the controls. I was overwhelmed with excitement. Yet, though deliriously happy, I felt at that moment the responsibility pilots carry (I had two passengers in the back seat). Everyday people trust pilots with their lives; we must know what we're doing.

I love the memory of that crisp August day. The day my eyes first saw a cockpit, the day my feet first left the earth, the day my hands first controlled an airplane, the day I decided no matter what obstacles presented themselves I would be a pilot.
melb   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Interesting and to the point? UWisc,madison essay [3]

Interesting, but I did notice some grammer/spelling errors.

we practise a no electricity day at home.
W e practice a no electricity day at home.

I advocate the value of things that we might otherwise take for granted in a country like singapore where there is no lack basic necessities.

I advocate the value of things that we might otherwise take for granted in a country like
S ingapore where there is no lack for basic necessities.

Just a few. I thought your paper was interesting though.
melb   
Dec 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / essay about universities should give the same money tos student's lib and sport [4]

When writing it is best to stay in the present tense. By doing this you do more than inform your readers, you invovle them. I edited the following paragraph as an example.

Some people believe that universities should give the same amount of money to their student's sports activities as they give to their libraries. However, others voice their opposition toward the for mentioned opinion. I strongly oppose the former notion, and I have reasons for holding to my opinion.
melb   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / About gratitude I have learned (common application main essay) [8]

Just a suggestion, but I think you should capitolize Pastor if you don't put the article "the" in front of it. Example: When refering to the earth we capitalize 'Earth' when 'the' is missing. Otherwise we refer to it as 'the earth'. The same is true with 'Pastor' or 'the pastor'
melb   
Dec 14, 2009
Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]

A base of noodles a sauce of cheese
An American favorite, a neccessity!

For its lofty pedestal many have contended
None could match a taste as respected as splendid.
The corndog tried the hotdog failed
Greenbean cassarole, Apple Pie-None prevailed.

Then one day its post was challenged
The haughty french fry demanded hommage.
Eaten by millions everyday
The french fry tauted he pulled more sway.

Though popping up in scores of places
He left vacant some important spaces.
Family reuniouns, get togheters
Birthday parties and many others

Eaten for convenience and not for love
The French Fry can never rise above
The place in our hearts reserved for one
A taste as welcome as the morining sun

'Cause nothing in the world can please
Like a bowl of macaroni and cheese!!!
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