HBZ
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay- Determination and eventual success [4]
any other thoughts please? I'll review your essays as well.
any other thoughts please? I'll review your essays as well.
HBZ
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay- Determination and eventual success [4]
Prompt:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
"STOP TALKING!" the teacher shouted at the top of her voice, and we could predict who the unkindly message was addressed to without even moving an inch.
Duncan was not what I'd call a role model. In fact, his leadership capabilities lay solely in being the first one to create mischief in the class. He was constantly reprimanded by his parents, teachers and peers alike because he was ill mannered, disruptive and lacked respect. His round face, chubby appearance and crooked nose made it hard for anyone to take him seriously, and gave him the esteemed title of "class clown"- one he seemed to be proud of. I met Duncan in the 9th grade and it was an experience I will never forget.
It was in the middle of the school year when we formerly met. Previously, we had only exchanged eye contact on the odd occasion even though we were in the same homeroom class. By then we had all created and joined little "cliques" with people of similar interest and background. His was with two boys who were, to put it mildly, on the wrong side of the fence. Ironically enough, the first AND last initials of their names spelt B.A.D when arranged properly (their names were Bert Brown, Annif Abrahams and Duncan Daley). These three musketeers were busy fighting battles of their own, with the teachers instead of their schoolwork.
We had three classes together, English Language, Information Technology and Mathematics- my favorite. Regardless of the class I could always predict what he was up to, whether it be fighting the powers of sleep, leaving his signature on the desks and chairs or distracting the person next to him- it was anything but schoolwork. His ability to keep talking was unmatched- something he was not afraid to prove!
It was in math class that I had the pleasure (or displeasure) of working with
him. The teacher assigned a handful of students who were stronger in the subject area to group up with those less equipped. I was assigned to work with eight students, Duncan included. At first I was a little reluctant to work with him. I felt that no progress could be made with someone who cared little or none at all about his own future. As the saying goes, "You can carry a donkey to the river, but you can't force him to drink!" Nevertheless I proceeded to see what could be done.
Immediately he stood out from the rest of the group. He was larger and louder than the others, and his attention span was infinitesimal. His illegible handwriting and reluctance to participate made it even more frustrating to work with him. With a test creeping up on us, I soon began to focus on the other students in the group, who were showing progress and willing to learn.
When the results came back I was more than pleased. My group had improved their
grades by at least ten percent, one student even scoring above me- all except Duncan. He was still at "square one" and had only himself to blame. The next class I noticed something different. He was busy writing in his notepad, which I quickly accredited to cartoon drawings or scribbles rather than schoolwork. He started participating in my active discussions and work exercises which I had thought was due to the nearing of final examinations. I continued to work with him, explaining concepts, drawing diagrams, even sacrificing lunch a couple of times to go over material. In my eyes tough, it was too late. His last minute spark of interest was commendable, but still, pointless.
Apparently, the joke was on me. When the examination results came back, he scored a whopping 96%, the highest in the class. The teacher was so surprised he remarked the paper three times to make sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. Even to this day I cannot fully believe it. One thing was evident though- I had underestimated Duncan. His determination and focus allowed him to pull through in the end. He had succeeded not only in his grade, but in making us all realize our own failures. I never stopped to take him seriously or look for his potential and I realized that in every darkness, there is a beam of light waiting to shine.
I am glad he was able to prove me wrong as we all "learn from our mistakes". I like to think of myself as an impartial, non-judgmental person. Duncan showed me that I still have some distance left before I reach there.
Anticipating replies!
Prompt:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
"STOP TALKING!" the teacher shouted at the top of her voice, and we could predict who the unkindly message was addressed to without even moving an inch.
Duncan was not what I'd call a role model. In fact, his leadership capabilities lay solely in being the first one to create mischief in the class. He was constantly reprimanded by his parents, teachers and peers alike because he was ill mannered, disruptive and lacked respect. His round face, chubby appearance and crooked nose made it hard for anyone to take him seriously, and gave him the esteemed title of "class clown"- one he seemed to be proud of. I met Duncan in the 9th grade and it was an experience I will never forget.
It was in the middle of the school year when we formerly met. Previously, we had only exchanged eye contact on the odd occasion even though we were in the same homeroom class. By then we had all created and joined little "cliques" with people of similar interest and background. His was with two boys who were, to put it mildly, on the wrong side of the fence. Ironically enough, the first AND last initials of their names spelt B.A.D when arranged properly (their names were Bert Brown, Annif Abrahams and Duncan Daley). These three musketeers were busy fighting battles of their own, with the teachers instead of their schoolwork.
We had three classes together, English Language, Information Technology and Mathematics- my favorite. Regardless of the class I could always predict what he was up to, whether it be fighting the powers of sleep, leaving his signature on the desks and chairs or distracting the person next to him- it was anything but schoolwork. His ability to keep talking was unmatched- something he was not afraid to prove!
It was in math class that I had the pleasure (or displeasure) of working with
him. The teacher assigned a handful of students who were stronger in the subject area to group up with those less equipped. I was assigned to work with eight students, Duncan included. At first I was a little reluctant to work with him. I felt that no progress could be made with someone who cared little or none at all about his own future. As the saying goes, "You can carry a donkey to the river, but you can't force him to drink!" Nevertheless I proceeded to see what could be done.
Immediately he stood out from the rest of the group. He was larger and louder than the others, and his attention span was infinitesimal. His illegible handwriting and reluctance to participate made it even more frustrating to work with him. With a test creeping up on us, I soon began to focus on the other students in the group, who were showing progress and willing to learn.
When the results came back I was more than pleased. My group had improved their
grades by at least ten percent, one student even scoring above me- all except Duncan. He was still at "square one" and had only himself to blame. The next class I noticed something different. He was busy writing in his notepad, which I quickly accredited to cartoon drawings or scribbles rather than schoolwork. He started participating in my active discussions and work exercises which I had thought was due to the nearing of final examinations. I continued to work with him, explaining concepts, drawing diagrams, even sacrificing lunch a couple of times to go over material. In my eyes tough, it was too late. His last minute spark of interest was commendable, but still, pointless.
Apparently, the joke was on me. When the examination results came back, he scored a whopping 96%, the highest in the class. The teacher was so surprised he remarked the paper three times to make sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. Even to this day I cannot fully believe it. One thing was evident though- I had underestimated Duncan. His determination and focus allowed him to pull through in the end. He had succeeded not only in his grade, but in making us all realize our own failures. I never stopped to take him seriously or look for his potential and I realized that in every darkness, there is a beam of light waiting to shine.
I am glad he was able to prove me wrong as we all "learn from our mistakes". I like to think of myself as an impartial, non-judgmental person. Duncan showed me that I still have some distance left before I reach there.
Anticipating replies!
HBZ
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / experience in different cultures, tutoring exp, "Contribution to the university" [2]
That is WAY too long- a keep it simple and try to cut it down to around 7-800 words
The introduction needs some work. Try to cut down on how many times you repeat a noun/verb (get rid of some of the "Candies"
If I cw ould describe my life I, I would compare it with to a blend of two candies. I would mix Toffee and Rafaela together: two completely different kinds of candiessweetsfromon the outside, but the common thing is asame kernel inside. They both contain a nut.
As every child's childhood,my childhoodmine started with my birth day; I was very curious to discover the world. My first memories are full of excitement and elation on finding answers to random questions that entered my mind. Years of life, first steps and first words. The base of my puzzle was laid by first years of school. My life started taking a different course in my junior and high school. Years that I spent there were very special for me. There I experienced the most important moments of my life while learning to live within a community. There I met very close people to me. There I started to look at life from a different angle.
That is WAY too long- a keep it simple and try to cut it down to around 7-800 words
The introduction needs some work. Try to cut down on how many times you repeat a noun/verb (get rid of some of the "Candies"
If I c
As every child's childhood,
HBZ
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement- my trip to Alaska [2]
Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.
July 3, 2005. I had dived headfirst into 'no man's land'. A mistake? Only time could tell.
The journey is still vivid in my head and I can still recall it like no time had passed. What I couldn't quite remember was the reason my parents had for venturing steadfast into the vastness of America's 'Last Frontier. My family and I had boarded a cruise ship at Vancouver Canada set due on Alaska. The cabins were relatively small, just enough space for the four of us to sleep comfortably. The resources on the ship however, seemed to run endlessly. No matter what time of the day it was, there was always something to be done. I sure took advantage of this and was out of my parents hold morning, evening and night. If I wasn't at the kid's "Adventure Club" I was by the poolside- and if it wasn't that, well I'd be preoccupied jiving my younger sister Rashida. Nevertheless, the ship sure did its job at entertaining me.
One thing I do remember wholeheartedly was the food. To think that a ship virtually in the middle of nowhere would have a low quality standard was far from the truth. If you could think it- they had it. I remember one of the harder decisions I had to make was deciding what to eat and when to eat it- diversity was an understatement.
As I stepped out of the ship and onto snow covered grounds - it was surreal. Thinking that going there in the summer as opposed to any other season that the weather would be friendlier was a mistake. Even through the think "winter coat", gloves and even two pairs of socks, I still felt - cold. Of course the first think I wanted to do was visit Santa since I was so close to the North Pole, but was quickly persuaded by my parents into following them elsewhere.
The next stop was the rainforest. We hopped onto a car shuttle and in no time were on our way exploring the flora and fauna of the land. Never before had I seen such beautiful multicolored plants, animals I'd only seen on the discovery channel or at the very least heard of. At one point I swore that I saw a grizzly bear, but was happy to learn it was just an eerie-shaped tree swaying in the biting wind. The mind sure is a powerful tool! After we left, we made way for "iceland".
As I glanced at the glaciers, with the beams of sunlight hitting the ice caps, I began to doubt my eyes. I had found the origin of 'phenomenal' - for that was the only word which could describe the sight. With only observing the beautiful pieces of ice, negative thoughts began to escape my mind and positive ones creep in. They say a picture is worth a thousand words- well this one was worth much more. To think something as simple as the ice we use to cool our drinks and preserve our foods could be so enticing was unbelievable- to this day the image is fresh in my mind.
Not many people can say they have visited Alaska, especially those who live in a completely different climatic zone where such features are none existent. I had ventured into the unknown. Great places and people were discovered, experienced had and dreams fulfilled- all this on 'The Last Frontier'. I can't ever forget -Twenty degrees below room temperature at day and forty five degrees below wind chill at night. Yet, despite the cruel weather- I had fun.
Anticipating replies!
Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.
July 3, 2005. I had dived headfirst into 'no man's land'. A mistake? Only time could tell.
The journey is still vivid in my head and I can still recall it like no time had passed. What I couldn't quite remember was the reason my parents had for venturing steadfast into the vastness of America's 'Last Frontier. My family and I had boarded a cruise ship at Vancouver Canada set due on Alaska. The cabins were relatively small, just enough space for the four of us to sleep comfortably. The resources on the ship however, seemed to run endlessly. No matter what time of the day it was, there was always something to be done. I sure took advantage of this and was out of my parents hold morning, evening and night. If I wasn't at the kid's "Adventure Club" I was by the poolside- and if it wasn't that, well I'd be preoccupied jiving my younger sister Rashida. Nevertheless, the ship sure did its job at entertaining me.
One thing I do remember wholeheartedly was the food. To think that a ship virtually in the middle of nowhere would have a low quality standard was far from the truth. If you could think it- they had it. I remember one of the harder decisions I had to make was deciding what to eat and when to eat it- diversity was an understatement.
As I stepped out of the ship and onto snow covered grounds - it was surreal. Thinking that going there in the summer as opposed to any other season that the weather would be friendlier was a mistake. Even through the think "winter coat", gloves and even two pairs of socks, I still felt - cold. Of course the first think I wanted to do was visit Santa since I was so close to the North Pole, but was quickly persuaded by my parents into following them elsewhere.
The next stop was the rainforest. We hopped onto a car shuttle and in no time were on our way exploring the flora and fauna of the land. Never before had I seen such beautiful multicolored plants, animals I'd only seen on the discovery channel or at the very least heard of. At one point I swore that I saw a grizzly bear, but was happy to learn it was just an eerie-shaped tree swaying in the biting wind. The mind sure is a powerful tool! After we left, we made way for "iceland".
As I glanced at the glaciers, with the beams of sunlight hitting the ice caps, I began to doubt my eyes. I had found the origin of 'phenomenal' - for that was the only word which could describe the sight. With only observing the beautiful pieces of ice, negative thoughts began to escape my mind and positive ones creep in. They say a picture is worth a thousand words- well this one was worth much more. To think something as simple as the ice we use to cool our drinks and preserve our foods could be so enticing was unbelievable- to this day the image is fresh in my mind.
Not many people can say they have visited Alaska, especially those who live in a completely different climatic zone where such features are none existent. I had ventured into the unknown. Great places and people were discovered, experienced had and dreams fulfilled- all this on 'The Last Frontier'. I can't ever forget -Twenty degrees below room temperature at day and forty five degrees below wind chill at night. Yet, despite the cruel weather- I had fun.
Anticipating replies!
HBZ
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "Engineers turn ideas into reality" - Cornell Supplement! [4]
first off choose what you will write about, "an engineering idea you have" or "your interest in engineering".
You could probably start with what first sparked your interest in engineering and then link it back to the engineering department at Cornell and how it will help develop the passion you have for it.
Just a suggestion of course :)
first off choose what you will write about, "an engineering idea you have" or "your interest in engineering".
You could probably start with what first sparked your interest in engineering and then link it back to the engineering department at Cornell and how it will help develop the passion you have for it.
Just a suggestion of course :)
HBZ
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams Supplement- what it means to never give up [2]
Prompt:Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
"Beep!" I slipped out of a deep sleep and back into reality - it was in untimely transition. now awake to the cacophonous sound of the blaring horn, I looked out the window in search of the source. We were stuck in a long line of traffic, far from our destination. To the left were many business places: restaurants, gift shops- It was a very busy city. I was on my way home from an enjoyable vacation up in the hills and was eager to get home. I looked up to see the dark grey sky, heavy clouds that threatened to drench the city- it was a long, bleak afternoon.
As we moved further and further down the street I saw a man- tackily clothed, barefooted and malnourished. He was in the middle of the road holding what seemed to be his prized possessions close to his heart- they were multicolored garments with intricate patterns that could light up a room full of darkness. He displayed his product to every passing car, shouting to capture their attention.
Here was a man who was blessed with life but cursed with living it. He had nowhere to go and little to nothing to call his own. I saw how unfair the world we live in was and how fortunate some of us are to possess what we do. At the same time, I saw how determined he was to fight against the negativity: to stay on his feet and fight for his survival. He looked directly into my eyes as did I and I saw it- that spec of light in the wholesome darkness: I saw what it meant to never give up.
Anticipating replies!
Prompt:Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
"Beep!" I slipped out of a deep sleep and back into reality - it was in untimely transition. now awake to the cacophonous sound of the blaring horn, I looked out the window in search of the source. We were stuck in a long line of traffic, far from our destination. To the left were many business places: restaurants, gift shops- It was a very busy city. I was on my way home from an enjoyable vacation up in the hills and was eager to get home. I looked up to see the dark grey sky, heavy clouds that threatened to drench the city- it was a long, bleak afternoon.
As we moved further and further down the street I saw a man- tackily clothed, barefooted and malnourished. He was in the middle of the road holding what seemed to be his prized possessions close to his heart- they were multicolored garments with intricate patterns that could light up a room full of darkness. He displayed his product to every passing car, shouting to capture their attention.
Here was a man who was blessed with life but cursed with living it. He had nowhere to go and little to nothing to call his own. I saw how unfair the world we live in was and how fortunate some of us are to possess what we do. At the same time, I saw how determined he was to fight against the negativity: to stay on his feet and fight for his survival. He looked directly into my eyes as did I and I saw it- that spec of light in the wholesome darkness: I saw what it meant to never give up.
Anticipating replies!
HBZ
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn supplement essay -what I can contribute to community [6]
Omg, i just realized that I accidentally deleted the introduction haha. I'll have to retype it and make the edit.
Thanx for the corrections!
Omg, i just realized that I accidentally deleted the introduction haha. I'll have to retype it and make the edit.
Thanx for the corrections!
HBZ
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn supplement essay -what I can contribute to community [6]
Prompt: Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I wasn't more than six when my mom jokingly told me that one of my first words was "doctor". Ironically enough, I have since grown to have a profound love for the sciences- biology in particular. I've always more interested in giving than receiving and I see medicine as a channel through which I can offer help to those in need, while at the same time, doing something I enjoy. Of course the occasional jiving by my parents calling me "Dr. Buchanan" did play its part, however small, in encouraging me. My drive however, comes from a much deeper source- a passion for science. This passion will be further be harnessed through the tightly knit programs offered at CAS(College of Arts and Sciences) which will mold the future physicians of the world through its rigor, flexibility and stimulating cohort. Their top notch laboratories and specialized equipment make for endless opportunities in the field of science.
As a past National Junior Chess Champion, I will be able to make a great contribution to the UPenn's Chess Club and to the school's larger community. The game has taught me the importance of patience, focus and analytical thinking- qualities vital for development in a college atmosphere. I will be able to teach as I was taught and advise as I was given advice.
Having fell in love with the piano from an early age I quickly jumped at the opportunity to take lessons in an attempt to become the "Beethoven" of the 21st century, and in no time was playing melodies from active hearing alone. Between my strenuous academic work and demanding extra-curricular activities, playing the piano gives me a chance to relax. The Blutt College House Music Program will allow me to continue taking lessons in an effort to better myself. UPenn's decorated music department will help to harness my skills and develop them to the highest level.
Coming from Small Island in the Caribbean, I have values, beliefs and morals of my own. Travelling the world, I have learnt the importance of interacting with others and appreciating a way of life other than your own. I believe that I will be able to pass these experiences and my own values onto the members of the tightly knit UPenn society - one which prides itself on diversity and understanding. After all, no man is and island.
The University of Pennsylvania hosts a body of people of the highest esteem: talented, discipline and focused. Its picturesque campus is situated near the heart of Philadelphia, top notch research programs and unlimited resources consolidate what it truly is- a complete prestigious school where failure is not an option.
Any advice is welcome!
Anticipating replies
Prompt: Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
I wasn't more than six when my mom jokingly told me that one of my first words was "doctor". Ironically enough, I have since grown to have a profound love for the sciences- biology in particular. I've always more interested in giving than receiving and I see medicine as a channel through which I can offer help to those in need, while at the same time, doing something I enjoy. Of course the occasional jiving by my parents calling me "Dr. Buchanan" did play its part, however small, in encouraging me. My drive however, comes from a much deeper source- a passion for science. This passion will be further be harnessed through the tightly knit programs offered at CAS(College of Arts and Sciences) which will mold the future physicians of the world through its rigor, flexibility and stimulating cohort. Their top notch laboratories and specialized equipment make for endless opportunities in the field of science.
As a past National Junior Chess Champion, I will be able to make a great contribution to the UPenn's Chess Club and to the school's larger community. The game has taught me the importance of patience, focus and analytical thinking- qualities vital for development in a college atmosphere. I will be able to teach as I was taught and advise as I was given advice.
Having fell in love with the piano from an early age I quickly jumped at the opportunity to take lessons in an attempt to become the "Beethoven" of the 21st century, and in no time was playing melodies from active hearing alone. Between my strenuous academic work and demanding extra-curricular activities, playing the piano gives me a chance to relax. The Blutt College House Music Program will allow me to continue taking lessons in an effort to better myself. UPenn's decorated music department will help to harness my skills and develop them to the highest level.
Coming from Small Island in the Caribbean, I have values, beliefs and morals of my own. Travelling the world, I have learnt the importance of interacting with others and appreciating a way of life other than your own. I believe that I will be able to pass these experiences and my own values onto the members of the tightly knit UPenn society - one which prides itself on diversity and understanding. After all, no man is and island.
The University of Pennsylvania hosts a body of people of the highest esteem: talented, discipline and focused. Its picturesque campus is situated near the heart of Philadelphia, top notch research programs and unlimited resources consolidate what it truly is- a complete prestigious school where failure is not an option.
Any advice is welcome!
Anticipating replies