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Posts by Peimon
Joined: Dec 30, 2009
Last Post: Dec 31, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  


Displayed posts: 13
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Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Charlie Kaufman, New Yorker or not? NYU supplement [3]

I think it's fine to go with him, especially since a lot of his movies take place in New York, therefore connecting him to the city. :)

If you have time, please review my NYU essays. Thanks!
Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / CORNELL! environmental science [6]

Someone carelessly throws theirhis or her crumpled sack lunch in the general direction of the garbage can. It falls just short of the edge and lifelessly bounces to the floor.

We waste. We waste food, we waste electricity, we waste water; we waste away our natural environment. "We" are Americans. Nice ending bit.

...I tried to find excuses that couldto justify ourselves.

I need to major in the Science of Natural and Environmental Systems. I think in this paragraph, it would be nice if you used 'we' instead of 'they', because it makes it more personal, and less like you're blaming the rest of America.

Also, your last sentence is a little too blunt for my tastes. Perhaps something like 'Majoring in the Science of Natural and Environmental Systems is the perfect way for me to acquire the knowledge necessary to _______'

Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Personal Expression [5]

Here is my new draft:

Whether we're talking about my personality, my art, my interests or my wardrobe, I am certainly colorful. I'm outgoing, loud and friendly. I enjoy drawing portraits, making comics and painting skyscapes. I love to sing, pop bubble wrap and eat weird food. I wear at least four colors every day, love scarves and weird jewelry, and am never complete without my iPod. Some could call me confused, but I consider myself as a person of many passions.

I want to be somebody that creates something meaningful and memorable that touches people. Often, my empathetic and stubborn personality has pushed me to reach out to people and infuse their life with a bit of happiness or color through my humor, my music and my art. In this age of color photographs, I consider it a necessity to bring color into the lives of others around me, whether literally or metaphorically speaking. Black is out, and colors are in.
Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Living in a foreign boarding school for 3 years-Common Application Essay [3]

It wasn't the rational fear of getting caught and being punished but was something totally different from that, something I had felt many times before.

So, what was the fear you felt? Expand on this point a little, I think.

Also, I think it would be nice if you added more to your part about the beach. I don't know if you're trying to make that a very important part of your essay, but if you are, then I think it needs a little more description.

Overall, I really enjoyed this essay. I thought you did a really good job of characterizing your rebellion and I really liked your conclusion.
Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / U of Chicago Essay Option 4 - Games [5]

Thanks to both of you for your suggestions!
I'll try making it more personal and focused.

I'm reading both of your essays now.
Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Cookie Monster, NYU - Famous New Yorker [4]

Haha, that's cute!
I think they'll like it, because it's unique. Also, they said fictional characters were alright, so I don't think Cookie Monster is an exception.
Peimon   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / U of Chicago Essay Option 4 - Games [5]

Essay Option 4. From game theory to Ultimate Frisbee to the great Chicago Scavenger Hunt, we at the University of Chicago take games seriously. We bet you do, too. Even if "just a game," sport, play, and other kinds of games seem to share at the very least an insistence that we take seriously a set of rules entirely peculiar to the circumstance of the game. You might say in order to play a game we must take it seriously. Think playfully - or play thoughtfully - about games: how they distract us or draw us into the world, create community and competition, tease us and test us with stakes both set apart from and meaningful to everyday life. Don't tell us about The Big Game; rather, tell us about players and games.

This is an extremely rough first draft, and it's a bit on the short side. I also have yet to write a conclusion, but I'm kind of stuck... Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading!

Games are a reflection of the world. Each is run by a set of rules and the stakes are called by bosses, presidents and referees. There are prizes and penalties, promotions and consequences. Somebody always wins, and somebody always loses. There is no such thing as a perfect win-win situation, unless you're cheating.

So, why bother playing games? For the thrill of winning and the rewards that come along with winning, and the distraction it offers from everyday life. There are new friends to be made through games, a new community to belong to, and when this community fails you, you can turn off the computer and walk away. Games present an alternate universe where the problems of this world don't matter so much. There are different problems, different obstacles. It's always easier to deal with bankruptcy in Monopoly and backstabbing level 3 mages. You can always start a new game.

Games also tease us with opportunities to 'win big' and sometimes, those prizes can help us through everyday life. We earn power, prestige, even money. These prizes foster competition between players, driving them to play their best. Sometimes, the competition goes so far as to promote cheating. However, games weren't meant to be unregulated free-for-alls where players can cheat and lie to their hearts' content. There's always a catch, always a guideline. Somebody's calling the shots, whether it is a professor, an umpire or a fellow player. If the rules are broken, there are penalties that must be paid. For example, robbing banks is against the rules. Whether we're talking about Monopoly or Wall Street, robbing banks is wrong, and you have to pay, with either ejection from the game or jail time. People can't take whatever they want. When they agree to play the game, they agree to follow the rules, regardless of how restricting they are.
Peimon   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Self-Identity Supplement. What voice will you add to the class of 2014? [6]

Great essay!

I was eating breakfast, while playing Sudoku...
In my free time, one can find me watching old ...
Many of my quirky interests foreign to my friends (This part about your friends is kind of unnecessary, maybe take it out?) spring from the fact that ...

At Tufts, I am determined to explore the depths of education ...

Also, you use a lot of commas that could be taken out. :) Good luck!
If you have time, it would be greatly appreciated if you reviewed my essay. Thanks!
Peimon   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [28]

I think this is really well written so far!!

but I still didn't feel as if I was contributing to the political world outside my community .

At our first conference in November, I met thousands of (any better word than kids? Teenagers, youth?) from all over California who share my political enthusiasm.
Peimon   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement: Many forms of self expression - contributing to the Class of 2014 [8]

Very nicely written. I agree that you need to answer the question a little directly, but I think you're on the right track.

I think that this sentence (On a different note, being an emcee has been a smooth journey so far aside from having to explain to my friends the difference between 50 cent and me.) should be taken out though. I don't really understand how it connects to the rest of the essay. However, if there is something to it, then expand on it and explain it to the reader.
Peimon   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Personal Expression [5]

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

Tufts Supplement



(Incredibly rough first draft.)

While black is certainly slimming, I can't say it's the most exciting color to wear. As an artist, I probably shouldn't even be calling it a color. I prefer the color of the ocean, or that of the paintings hanging on my walls. Whether we're talking about my personality, my art, my interests or my wardrobe, I am certainly colorful. I'm outgoing, loud and friendly. I enjoy drawing portraits, making comics and painting skyscapes. I love to sing, pop bubble wrap and eat weird food. I wear at least four colors every day, love scarves and weird jewelry, and am never complete without my iPod. Some could call me confused, but I consider myself as a person of many passions.

In this age of color photographs, I consider it a necessity to bring color into the lives of others around me, whether literally or metaphorically speaking. I want to be somebody that creates something meaningful and memorable that touches people. Black is out, colors are in.

Thank you for reading!
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