Posts by apparitionstea

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT essay. Tell us about your creativity,(undergrad admission) [3]

My powerful vision for developing new ways to counteract climate change received forceful support among the members of the "Beyond the Bell Leadership" group at my school.

This is a good topic to write about, but I feel like you should "show rather than tell" more. I think this essay could be in a more active voice. Try using present tense. For example, you could say:

After visiting many local supermarkets, I was able to gather many unwanted cardboard boxes that we were able to use as recycling receptacles, which continue to be distributed around the classrooms of my school today.

Some sentences can be combined to make the essay flow better.

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Building my computer, passion in creating, not using [5]

So I hold my breath, fighting the burning instinct to inhale as I attempt to remove one last speck of dirt before pausing to dash off a couple yards and give my lungs reprieve.

I want to say "you did a really nice job with this essay" but that sounds overused. I don't think I could do anything to make this essay better. You clearly and vividly portrayed yourself as an individual and I could picture the story you told.

Sorry I'm not of much help -_-

If you don't mind, could you take a look at a newer version of my essay you commented on earlier (it's the post underneath yours)?

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT - "something you do for the pleasure of it" ?! (my love of writing) [4]

Thanks. I've fixed it up a bit, but I'm not sure how to get it on my original post. :p
So here it is instead:

I write. There are no days that go by where I don't have something to put down on paper. Thrown into a different world, being in a different state of mind drives my hand to continue writing. I enjoy thinking and pondering about imaginary places, mixing and experimenting with different characters, plots and ideas. Being creative and expressing my thoughts onto paper, whether it is in the form of a poem, a story, or a phrase is an essential part of who I am.

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT creativity essay " How i convinced students to donate blood" [3]

For some, the lure of being an unsung hero, someone who is going to save a life, was convincing enough .

For others, I rattled my brains for reasons that would appeal to them.

Major surgeries will never cease to happen so I used the simple argument of maintaining a supply of blood for the hospital, for the purpose of saving lives, to convince the young economists for donation.

This sentence is a bit wordy.

To induce the rest, I made them realize that it was their social responsibility to give blood as we humans are the only source of blood and hospitals are in constant need .

Overall, it's pretty good. If you need too cut more words out, speak in the present tense, it removes a lot of "I"s. For example "I rattled" turns into "rattling" and "I made them realized" turns into "making them realize."

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / MIT - "something you do for the pleasure of it" ?! (my love of writing) [4]

PROMPT: "We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)"

I write. My minds runs through many thoughts during the day, and there are no days that go by where I don't have something to put down on paper. I live a very rich internal life and I've found that I enjoy thinking and pondering, mixing and experimenting. Being creative and expressing my thoughts onto paper, whether it is in the form of a poem, a story, a phrase, or a drawing is an essential part of who I am.

Hi everyone. I'd appreciate it if anyone could help me. I'm not sure if I'm being too vague and just telling not showing. Can you visualize a person?

apparitionstea

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Boston University- 3 words (Observant, Realistic, Logical) Last Day [7]

For "logic" and "being realistic," it would make your essay stronger if you gave a specific example of how each quality has already been applied like you did for "observance".

There are good and bad sides to all human attributes. If they combine to create a strong individual, then nature and nurture have done their jobs.

I think this statement is too general. Remember that the essay is supposed to ultimately represent you as an individual and what kind of person YOU will be on campus.