Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by little636
Joined: Jan 19, 2010		 Last Post: Feb 22, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 9  

From: Albania

Displayed posts: 11
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little636   
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / My short reply on activities for the common app - my work as electrician [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

I am wearied, sleepy, I smell like sweat and my stomach has announced strike. Though, a satisfied smile stretches upon my face. After only two weeks of technical training, I managed to build an entire electric system by myself. My boss was impressed. The room was ready for use: the lighting was perfect, the keys were shining. At 8 AM I was already with wires in my hand. Always under control. Discipline, energy, endless endurance - abilities I strengthened since the first weeks of my job as an electrician assistant. Six months of commitment. And exactly during that time, I really understood what working means, and why all people work. I watch the green, parched paper inside my wallet. Earned money, meritorious reward. I feel proud. My pocket is full. So are my brains.
little636   
Feb 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

I am the slender kid whose best friend wasis a splice of strips of white,

is - because I am not that slender kid anymore

I gave himit some life of my own and as a loyal friend, heit

actually this was made on purpose, to show that the ball is human for me

i think u should emphasize on your determination to learn volleyball and how u became good at it. then, connect it to your determination to achieve your dreams.

hmm... well, my essay is all about that thing and that's the idea i have been trying to transmit. do you think i have to emphasize it more, and how can i do that?

Thank you! :)
little636   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / A Second Chance - UniChicago supplement essay:why u chicago and why chicago [3]

Hey Golden!
I see you are being sincere here, though - think about it - would a university like hearing that it wasn't the most attractive idea for you and that you were hesitant about it? It would make the admissions officer think that Chicago University is just a safety. Even though you say you have changed your mind - of course, since you're applying! - I don't think that it is a good way to start the "why chicago?". If you really want to keep it though, I'd suggest that you made it milder. Emphasize more on the fact that you were hesitant because of the lack of information about the college. Other than this part, I think this writing is pretty solid.

Also, thank you for your feedback on my essay about volley. I made some changes, now it is shorter and possibly more focused - could you please take a look at it again? Thanks :)
little636   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [10]

My love of science, my driving passion to help people, and the substantial exposure to medical profession I have had, led me to purse a career in medicine, the career I believe I will thrive in and through which I will most benefit others.

This sentence is a bit long, I would suggest you cut it down.
Also, why not come up with a more interesting opening sentence? The one you use is pretty obvious and doesn't attract the reader a lot.

Otherwise, this short answer is great. Very specific and straightforward, really argumentative and strong. I like it!
Good luck and please help me with mine if you have the chance :)
little636   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Brown University offers so much more than quality education" [6]

The writing is pretty eloquent. I see how you are trying (and why not, even succeeding) to use nice vocabulary and transitions and stuff like this.

The problem is that I do not see much of the personal touch in this. Also, some sentences are pretty obvious, and they could fit to every good university. For example:

"I hope to be admitted into your esteemed institution to continue my undergraduate studies and acquire a degree that will be beneficial to my future."

"one of the best schools in the country, my personal desire to learn a lot and be with other students who share the same ideals as mine"

"The highly experienced and capable mentors"
these are all very general facts and don't add much to this piece of writing.
So to sum up, be more specific and make this short essay more personal.
Hope I helped!
little636   
Feb 1, 2010
Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

A point to believe

The white lights are blinding my eyes. The blood is rushing through my vessels, and my heart is hitting my chest fast. Emotions have conquered me all, though my brain is totally concentrated. I am standing behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. What I am holding in my sweaty, warm hands is cold, putting me in trembles. My eyes are intensely looking to the way it is revolving and revolving on my palm. The brisk rotation blends the colors, creating a sphere neither blue nor yellow, like a little shiny sun radiating its power. My fingers feel its inner pressure pressing my cells. The whistle blows. I hesitate for a moment, I am stuck. Then instinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.

The walls around the court are...
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