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"hard work and honesty" - My fascination with cornell, transfer essay


azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 1, 2010   #1
i want to use this as an opportunity to all the members providing help with our various esseys.we are very happy and gratefull....can someone jux feel free to tell me how my essey i..whether is good or bad..please feel free to critisize.i actually have no experience in writing but i had to just write this essey becouse i hav no option.thankyou

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

Raised by highly religious and industrious parents,i gained appreciation for the virtues of hard work and honesty at a very early stage in my life. I was taught the benefits of personal labour. After being exposed to the realities of life and experiencing the lives of the underprivileged while volunteering, I believe I have developed compassion for people and come to value life.

As a student, I have engaged in the pursuit of knowledge in diverse fields and also sought to develop the best relationships with my peers. I have a great respect for authority. This I believe is necessary for the effective running of our society.

In order that I attain the acme of scholarship and social life, I need to attend a school which is capable of taking my personal qualities and coupled with its splendid educational programme, lead me to this goal.

Schools should provide the knowledge needed by individuals to effectively prepare them for life and the uncertainties which collectively constitute life, in an atmosphere which encourages learning. As such, a good school is one which provides the student with the requisite social and intellectual skills with which to face the challenges posed by this ever-changing world of ours.CORNELL provides this atmosphere, encouraging communal problem-solving ventures, and an approach which I particularly admire and which I would like to be involved in.

The concept of an interdisciplinary approach to solving real life problems fascinates me, appealing to my innermost yearning to work in a group of intellectuals where I can share ideas with gifted students, learn how to co-operate with others, learn to value diverse opinions as well as challenge myself to become a better social person. The uniqueness of the CORNELL experience assures me that all I seek can be provided by CORNELL at world class quality.

My fascination with cornell also stems from the student-centred approach it employs in imparting knowledge. I particularly admire the sharing of knowledge which CORNELL encourages throughout its many faculties. I appreciate that CORNELL is one of the few schools that offer the student an opportunity to own knowledge by challenging the student to carry out research activities, allowing them to discover information on their own and to share and compare this information with other students from various geographical and intellectual backgrounds.

I also like the fact that cornell believes that the human mind is unfettered, that it is capable of achieving whatever it sets its sights on, challenging the student to see the school and the education it offers as a stepping stone and not an end in itself. I believe that the academic environment as well as the CORNELL campus life is rich with opportunities for intellectual enrichment, social relationships and personal growth and is extremely conducive for effective studies. This is indicative of CORNELL's preparedness to prepare me for the outside world with its unique educational experience as the basic concept of education is the preparation for life.
kiwi90 8 / 21  
Feb 1, 2010   #2
Pretty thorough essay! I think you are good in explaining your personal objectives.
Isn't there some kind of condition that you have to explain about your major? I see you don't mention anything about what you are going to study. If there isn't, and if your reason for transfer is not related much to your chosen major, then you are okay.

And I suggest that you leave out "I believe," from some of your sentences in the opening.
For instance, you can just say "...I have developed compassion for people and come to value life."
Apart from that, your essay is to the point.
OP azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 1, 2010   #3
thanx SooLim Jeong.i'm really gratefull.this is actualli the question;
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
i actualli hav the intention of a major in electrical engineering but i was jux scared i wouldn't be able to link it with the main point.
little636 2 / 9  
Feb 1, 2010   #4
Well organized essay.i like the way you have written.
I think you should avoid at maximum sentences that start with "i have done..."..or..."i like..."
mostly those sentences that start with "I"...shortly:USE THEM RARELY
OP azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 1, 2010   #5
thanx marishta...would work on that again
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 2, 2010   #6
Raised by highly religious and industrious parents, the virtues of hard work and honesty were imbued in me at a very early stage in my life.

This sentence says the virtues were raised by your parents. Chenge this way:
Raised by highly religious and industrious parents, I gained appreciation for the virtues of hard work and honesty were imbued in me at a very early stage in my life.

I was taught the benefits of reaping the fruits of personal labour. ---- this sentence was a little too flowery and complicated.

After being exposed to the realities of life and experiencing the lives of the underprivileged...

Don't forget to capitalize Cornell!!

:-) great job
OP azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 2, 2010   #7
Mr Kelvin...thanks alot for your help.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 3, 2010   #8
After being exposed to the realities of life and experiencing the lives of the underprivileged while volunteering, I believe I have developed compassion for people and come to value life.-- now add a sentence that expresses the most important idea you want the reader to remember. It should probably have something to do with your intentions for the next few years.

Why are you writing CORNELL with all capital letters?

Tis is looking good, but I hope to see a better ending to the first paragraph -- the most important sentence in the essay.

:-)
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Feb 3, 2010   #9
you give a million and one descriptions of why cornell is such a great school, not one of them is specific, not one of them makes it look like you actually did reserach on the school( not saying you didnt no disrespect intended but there is nothing specific, you could honestly just used this for any other school). Give a specific department, give a specific program or club, give a specific experience you have had at cornell, if your going to use the academic environment and campus life, be specific, show through a club, organization etc how this is good. its generally not a good idea to talk about the environment unless you visited and can cite an ex. because it will just sound like what everone else says. Statements like cornell believes the human mind is unfettered, student cented approach it employs in imparting knowledge, interdisciplinary approach, uniqueness of cornell, sound good on paper, but unless you show and dont tell, these just become empty statements. Sorry to be harsh, its just that transferring is always so hard and the transfer essay can be the most powerful thing in your favor to help you get accpeted, but while you can write, this is all vague in my mind. I'm sure you have ex. and can show this, and it might seem like only minor corrections to the essay to add them, but theyll make a HUGE DIFFERENCE. good luck:)
OP azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 4, 2010   #10
thanx all of u guys...i would diffinately work on it again and get back to u guys...u guys are doing grate.


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