Undergraduate / JHU Supplementary Essay - Sick Sister - Need HELP fast! [13]

[Moved from]: UMich Short Ans.-wt. led to acad. interest-Biochemistry and sister's illness

I feel as if I am reading more about your sister and her condtion than learning about you. You are applying, so the admission would want to know what kind of person you are. You need to talk more about you and why you had chose this major. What you can say is how your sister highly influeneced you to pick your major-maybe you find it facinating or maybe help her one day. Also, to take an extra step, you can mention how you would pursue your major at the university, they tend to like that.

Undergraduate / Need ideas about essay "Why this college." [8]

Talk about leadership and how you would make a good leader while in college. Also, colleges love it when students give back whether it's face, time, or even money.

Scholarship / being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship? [3]


I agree. Almacubana, you did not mention how you would make a good college student... Well, you did but it is really weak. Talk about how you can be constructive. Talk about how you learned from your past and how you can give back to the community/college/world in the future. Colleges wants students to think in the long run, so talk about your future more and how you plan to achieve it by going to college.

Writing Feedback / Organic foods against conventional foods - Can you check my essay [4]


Could be strengthened: "Organic foods are more healthful, has a better tastes, and less harmful to the environment as opposed to conventional foods"


Don't start off a body paragraph with examples. Talk about organic foods in general and how they are better than conventional foods first. And since your topic for this specific paragraph is about taste, talk about how organic milk taste better than milk from cows that are given those milk enhancing hormones.

Undergraduate / "I wanted to be a boy" - U of Wisconsin statement [12]


How do you plan to do that? List specific things you want to do: you can say you can teach others how to deal with hardship. Like, are you going to give back face, leadership, money, etc. back to the school? They are not going to take guesses, so you really need to tell them up front.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:At present we rely on oil for most our energy needs! [4]

So back to your prompt-do you agree or disagree? You did not really answer the question-you seem to be in the middle. So, if you do agree, expand the benefits of nuclear energy. You need to show why it is very useful and how the pros outweighs the cons. If possible, don't list any negative aspects towards using nuclear energy. If you are against it, same thing, just don't mention any benefits of nuclear energy.

Pros: Very efficient, no air pollution, shows signs of a very powerful country etc.
Cons: promotes competition, very dangerous, hazardous, no immediate negative signs but will eventually take its toll, etc.

Writing Feedback / tobacco adverts should be banned? [13]


In my opinion, I don't think you should say that. Because negative influences aren't just passed on by TV, but also by one's social life. What you can say is that banning advertisement of tobacco is a really good start to prevent young adults from smoking instead of saying it is a solution.

Undergraduate / a strict Asian household: How has your family history influence who you are? [5]


You are just listing stuff right now-colleges do not like to see that. All these should be put into its own body paragraph. Also, you need to talk about yourself more. When colleges gives out prompts, they just want to find out what kind of person you are. Talk about yourself, don't list too much about your family because otherwise it will be your family they are reading about. So given that case, talk more about how you are independent and how they have shaped you today.

Book Reports / Macbeth Reflection, conclusion is a little cheesy? [5]

You can put it as your first body paragraph. I notice it's mainly questions you are asking; that isn't the best thing to do (from my experience). Each body paragraph should have at least 1 quote. That quote you want to use is a really good way to introduce your entire essay. Use the quote, and explain why it is significant in Macbeth.

Book Reports / Macbeth Reflection, conclusion is a little cheesy? [5]


OK, first never use a quote in a conclusion. A conclusion is suppose to summarize everything you have written. So by writing a quote, you have to support it with commentaries, which should not be used in the conclusion. Start the conclusion by restating your thesis, then, in a paragraph, summarize all your body paragraphs. Your last sentence should be a last thought reflection.

Your last sentence in the conclusion is good, but don't use "perhaps" or any words that shows doubt.