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Posts by afurgeson
Joined: Feb 20, 2010
Last Post: Mar 7, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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afurgeson   
Mar 7, 2010
Undergraduate / My Mother - describe a person who has had an influence in you [5]

I've given this advice to others and I will share it with you: pick someone other than your mother or father for this essay. I know that, for most of us, our parents influence our lives more than anyone else, but that does not make them a great topic for this type of essay.

I interview job candidates with a very similar question. As soon as I hear someone say "my mom" or "my dad" I stop paying attention. I can imagine that admissions committees are the same way. They probably read hundreds of essays and they want something fresh and unique.

I can make some suggestions on writing style, but I would first encourage you to pick a different subject and start over.
afurgeson   
Mar 7, 2010
Graduate / Law School personal Statement-A Chance to Make Amends [4]

I think you are focusing too much on the negative here. The first half of your essay is dedicated to describing your difficult life and then you jump into a discussion about going to law school. I don't think this approach will have the impact you are hoping for. As a reader, it sounds to me that you have not done well in school, but that now your parents are supporting you and you think you will do better.

I think you need to illustrate ways that you are already benefiting from a new clarity of direction. You do not want it to sound like law school will be the first time you are applying the positive changes you have seen in your life.

I certainly think you should address any shortcomings you had in your previous education, but you also need to talk about some of your positive experiences. You also need to discuss why you want to go to law school.

As for the actual writing - it is pretty good; here are a few suggestions:

"renowned leader" - are you really "renowned" as in famous.

passive voice (ex. would, has, had) - get rid of these for a much stronger essay.
ex: "My mother would often reassure me" change to: "my mother reassured me"

wordiness - Here's a good way to make a good essay great. Go through and cross out every word that does not add meaning to the sentence.

ex: "and simply afraid" change to: "and afraid"
afurgeson   
Feb 24, 2010
Essays / Agricultural Subsidies: Persuasive essay topic? [5]

I think what you need to ask yourself is what type of argument are you making. When you say subsidies hurt the farmer and the consumer, do you mean economically? Or do you mean that they physically hurt the animals, make people ill, etc... I think if you hone in on the argument you are going to make, it will help clarify your points.

For example, if I was going to make an economic argument against subsidies, I would be asking myself questions like:
Do subsidies limit consumer choice?
Do subsidies prevent alternative agriculture that would limit consumer choice?
Do subsidies prevent farmers from developing profitable and sustainable business plans?
Do subsidies discentivize innovation and technology that could make agricultural profitable
Do subsidies benefit a certain class of farmer while leaving others at a disadvantage
Do subsidies limit job growth in the field of agriculture?
Do subsidies give an advantage to foreign competitors?

If you do want to make an economic argument, I would leave the animals out of it. An argument about animal welfare is going to be an appeal to emotions that would not fit well with a discussion of economics.

That said, your other option is to make the emotional argument. You can talk about the health risks posed by subsidies, you can talk about the cruel conditions animals are subjected to.. and you can talk about the farmers (though I don't have an example of how to appeal to emotions on that one)

Personally, the economic argument would be more powerful if I was your intended audience. But, I'm not your audience, so I think you should consider your audience and pick one route or the other.

Good Luck, this sounds like a really interesting topic!
afurgeson   
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / What's life without a little challenge? - transfer for challenge [5]

Some more suggestions on clarifying your experience:

"Lying in bed then, I had never been surer of what I want. It would be risky, but it would also be an extraordinary experience. And, after all, this was a challenge that I was dying to take."

So what did you decide? The NCEE? I know nothing about these tests, which may be why I am a bit confused. Again, though, clarity is good even if your audience can put the puzzle together. You do answer this question in the next paragraph, but in the meantime I'm left in an uncomfortable and confusing limbo. You should mention that you chose the NCEE in this paragraph or in the first sentence of the next paragraph.

"As I struggled through the semester, I become ever more determined to prove that I could also excel after high school. The courses were demanding, the knowledge was invigorating, and I was happy. This wasn't a challenge I had anticipated, but it is one I'd gladly rise to."

See how this sounds..."As I struggled through the semester, I became ever more determined to prove that I could excel beyond High School. The courses were demanding, the knowledge was invigorating and I was happy. The challenge exceeded my expectations, but I rose to it."

"Five months have passed and I have got 8 A's"

Five months since what? Starting school? The NCEE? Also.. find a better word than "got"

"I didn't know it then, but it was this first glimpse of an American institution that implanted in me the ambition to study in an American college."

You have a very strong command of the English language. Is it your second language? You really understand the power of three (Ex: I want to live in a community made up of students from around the globe, to experience the academic setting that is the best in the world, and, most importantly, to stand on my toes and reach for the infinite sky that is called science.)
afurgeson   
Feb 22, 2010
Scholarship / Scholarship Question: Why Did you leave school, why are you coming back? [3]

As an aspiring adult student, I was excited to find a scholarship opportunity that did not require me to be a high-school student. The scholarship targets returning adult students with the question in the subject line. My questions is: am I overdoing it with the train metaphor? Is "chasing dreams" to cliche? Any other suggestions? 250 Word Max Thanks in advance!

I had good grades in high school because it was expected. I went to college because it was expected. I majored in economics because it was expected. I spent 20 years of my life on the express train to the American Dream; it was fast and easy and ended at the dreams of my parents and expectations of my contemporaries. It would have been easy to stay on that train, but I was too enticed by what lay beyond the tracks.

Three years ago, I did the unexpected; I dropped out of college. I took time to asses what I enjoyed and how I could use my skills to have an impact on people around me. I accepted a job with the American Red Cross and quickly advanced from Development Coordinator to Regional Director.

In my time with the American Red Cross, I worked with disaster survivors, volunteers and community leaders from every walk of life. They validated my decision to leave school and inspired me to identify the things in life that make me happy. Their strength assured me that people are capable of anything and that nothing short of death will keep me from chasing whatever dream inspires me.

After months of reflection, the dream I am choosing to chase is a return to college. The expectation now is that education will further my ability to make a difference. This time, though, the expectations are my own and I am driving the train.
afurgeson   
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / A stepping stone: Transfer Student for the Common Application (Emerson College) [6]

Overall this is a good essay. I think the tone you take in paragraph one can be softened a bit. This sentence really threw me back... in fact, when I first read it, I really did not think you were someone I would want to help: "I was not yet aware of how much I overlooked the "studies" portion of the title."

So the image that popped into my head when I read that was a teenage reality show star, who expects everything to be handed to them. YOU AREN'T That person -- I know that from the rest of your essay. This statement and the ones that follow just seem overly critical of your old school. Try to limit complaints about your old school to the simple fact that it doesen't offer the opportunities you are looking for.

By the end of the essay, it is clear that you don't have harsh feelings toward your old school, but I would avoiding taking your audience there in the beginning.

This sentence could also use reworking:
"In retrospect, enrolling at the University of Vermont may, at a glance, seem like a mistake."
I'm not sure what is grammatically wrong with it (if anything).. it just does not sound great.
afurgeson   
Feb 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Computers and technology - Purdue undergrad essay [7]

Ok... So some major edits here. I definitely think you are well served by talking about the issue of access to technology. I started to revise, but ended up rewriting. I really think you have good perspective on how your skills can be used for good. I think you are deserving of admission and want to help as much as I can. That said, I would not advise that you use this essay exactly as I revised it -- that would be dishonest and could get you in trouble with the admissions committee.

Instead, please use this revision of a sample to follow when completing your final draft. I have not changed the message you are delivering -- I've just rearranged it for the sake of flow.

Let me know if you have questions and good luck!

I was lucky to have my own computer as early as fourteen. Many people in the world don't get to use one at that age, and some never get to use one throughout their entire life. Currently, less than 20% of the world's population has computer access, and only half of that group has internet access. I hope to use my past experience and an education at Purdue to improve access to tecnology . Its an ambitious goal, but the industry is already moving in the right direction with the laptop segment currently focusing on netbooks and cheaper alternatives. I know that Purdue's computer engineering program will give me the skills and experience I need to join this movement. Upon completion of my degree, Ihope to make an impact on the industry by reducing manufacturing costs and passing on these savings to the end-users .I think bringing information technology to poverty-stricken countries such as South Africa and Ethiopia will make my work in computer engineering rewarding and meaningful.

Many people go through college for a degree and a good chance at employment. While this is one of my reasons, it is not the biggest. I want to take my passion for computers and technology and use it for a greater good.The Purdue Engineering program offers the excellent academic experience that I require, but I also think Purdue offers opportunities for personal growth that will allow me to make an impact on society. Coming from a private school, I have had limited opportunities to participate in extracurricular activities. In a large University Environment, though, I look forward to managing and organizing events for student organizations and discovering new interests beyond the classroom.

Some might say my thirst for knowledge in computers and technology is unqenchable. It started, when I watched my dad put together my very first computer when I was ten. That set off a domino effect which brought me to one of the biggest milestones in my life: building my first computer from scratch at fourteen. Watching the CPU fan spin up for the first time and hearing the series of beeps to indicate the motherboard had completed its power-on self-test (POST) was mesmerizing and it affirmed my passion for computers and my desire to make computers a big part of my life's work. I am excited that Purdue will offer me that opportunity and provide me an experience that will allow me to explore my interests beyond computers and develop a well rounded life.

Purdue's environment, facilities and reputation in engineering will allow me to achieve my personal and professional goals and, above all - give back to society. Using skills learned in class, I hope to find a career where I can design hardware that is cheaper to produce, more energy efficient, but most importantly - available to everyone.
afurgeson   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / What's life without a little challenge? - transfer for challenge [5]

I'm sure the admissions folks will have more information about your background than I do, but I would still work on clarifying your life experience a bit. In every paragraph I was asking myself "where are you now" At the end, it is unclear to me, where you went to High School, where your bedroom is, and where you have been since last March. Again, I know they will probably have this background information in a pile of paperwork, but I would suggest clarifying it in the paper so they don't have to reference anything else.

For Example: In China, the last half of my high school years hadn't been easy.
afurgeson   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App Transfer Essay- The storm is now sunshine [5]

Overall, I think this essay is very strong. I would suggest cutting the metaphor about the weather. I don't think it quite fits in with your larger message and it comes off as a bit unnatural. To me, it sounds like you are trying to distinguish yourself with a fancy writing technique rather than distinguishing yourself with a clearly defined reason that you are a good candidate for admission.

In place of the metaphor, I would spend some time talking about why you want to study political science. Be specific about what you want to learn, what you want to do and what impact you want to have.

You are taking a brave step by transferring, so your motivation must be a powerful one. Share this powerful motivation with the admissions committee!

Good Luck!
afurgeson   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Computers and technology - Purdue undergrad essay [7]

I have some wording suggestions that I think can make your essay stronger, but before I go through it sentence by sentence, I would make this suggestion:

Start your essay with the message you are delivering in the third paragraph. This is such a powerful message and something that will stand out to the admissions committee. So, rather than starting with a personal history (as I'm sure most everyone does) start with this powerful "personal mission statement" about making technology available to the underprivileged.

If you really want to make an impact, do some quick research on the issue. What percentage of the world population has computers? is online? etc...

After you talk about the issue, talk about why you think access to technology can improve lives. Then move into how you feel Purdue and your personal background will prepare you to make a difference.

Bottom Line... less focus on your personal story and more focus on your mission.

I'll keep an eye out, and if you decide to post an update, I'll review and offer some guidance on wording.

Good Luck!
afurgeson   
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / My Mom: Someone with an influence on your life - Common Applicatiton Essay [7]

As someone who interviews job candidates with this same question, let me strongly suggest that you choose a subject other than your mom. When I see thirty candidates a day, I don't have the enrgy to pay attention to someone talking about their parents... So I zone out. I'm certain that admissions committees are the same way... They want to see something unique and refreshing, not the same thing they have read 100 times already today. I think tour essay is a good one and I definitely hope you share it with your mom, but for the sake of your application, pick a new subject and start over. I'm not trying to be harsh- just helpful.
afurgeson   
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Rice, excellent pre-med program (Transfer Essay) [12]

qchen

Your essay is good, but I did find some things you can cut for the sake of the word limit. See new wording suggestions in Red. Also, the last paragraph is very unclear to me. Why did your application end? Does that mean you did not submit it, that they rejected it, etc??? Unless you anticipate that the people reading this essay are familiar with your last application, you should clarify this.

I'm drawn to Rice (removed particular) by its excellent pre-med program. It will not only challenge me to reach my potential, but also (removed adequatley) prepare me for medical school. I hope to take advantage of Rice's (removed close) proximity to Texas Medical Center, and various opportunities to gain clinical experiences in some of the best medical facilities in the world. I also look forward to using my knowledge to resolve real world problems through (removed the) abundant research opportunities. Furthermore, your wide range of innovative classes (removed offered) , will allow me to pursue my interest outside science. I am excited about classes such as Medical Sociology and Britain from the Industrial Revolution to Gordon Brown (can you pick a shorter course title to save on words?) . I have lived in three countries and spent much of my life in big cities, so I find the diverse student body and location of Rice (removed extremely) appealing. I also look forward to the unique residential college system, which should provide a fullfilling college experience and smooth my transition to Rice.

Two years ago, my application to Rice ended due to a lack of confidence and direction . I had already been accepted into the school that I now attend(put name of school instead of "school that I now attent - this will cut words) . I doubted my ability to succeed at a world-renowned institution like Rice. Today, with a much better understanding of my goals and abilities, I realize Rice is the perfect place to build a solid foundation for my future.
afurgeson   
Feb 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Adult student with sub-par educational background [3]

There are no set questions to answer for this personal essay. The admissions counselor just suggested I use it to define my reason for coming back to school and to clear up questions about my life over the past few years. I would appreciate any advice! Thank you!

To Whom It May Concern:

I first want to thank you for consideration of my application to the University of Pittsburgh. I am excited about the opportunity to return to my hometown and pursue an education with a world-class educational institution. I know that the University of Pittsburgh offers an education that will allow me to build a career that impacts lives. I took a non-traditional path to the University of Pittsburgh and I am certain that my unique experiences will bring valuable perspective to the classroom and add to the diverse nature of the University.

I started my college education in 2002 at XXXX University. XXXX University offered me experiences that will shape the rest of my life: most importantly I identified my passion for community service and developed skills that allowed me to make an impact on people's lives. At XXXX University, though, I struggled to define my purpose and questioned the course that led me there. I was not satisfied with the fact that I was merely living up to the expectations of others and not clearly defining expectations for myself. I struggled at XXX University, and, in 2007, decided that I needed to put my college education on hold and take the time to build perspective, discover my place in society and chart a new course.

I spent the remainder of 2007 and the early portion of 2008 as an employee of PNC Bank. In my time with PNC, I learned that I have excellent people skills and a natural inclination for leadership. I moved quickly through the ranks at PNC, from Associate, to shift lead, and finally, to Lead Project Coordinator. My time with PNC allowed me to build a professional resume that opened doors to a new career, where I could use my talents to improve the lives of others.

In May of 2008, I started my employment with the American Red Cross as a Development Coordinator. In this role, I worked with hundreds of volunteers in nine counties to coordinate fundraising efforts. I worked with volunteers, disaster victims and community leaders. I saw, in them, a level of commitment that inspired me to succeed. In 2008, I was responsible for over $800,000 in revenue for the organization. I also developed my communication skills and was recruited to the regional standards and training team, where I trained staff and volunteers from across the Northeastern United States. In my first year, I quickly gained the respect of my co-workers and superiors and, in 2009, I was promoted to Regional Director. In this role, I managed twenty-four exempt staff and twelve administrative staff. I oversaw all operations of the XXX Region with revenues exceeding fourteen million dollars. I learned that in a leadership role, the impact of my work can be even greater and I took pride in developing my staff and in growing the income that helps disaster victims and funds life-saving eduacation.

My time with the American Red Cross provided an opportunity for me to achieve the perspective I needed to set expectations for myself and define a clear path for the rest of my life. I know, now, that I am a gifted communicator, leader and problem solver; I know that I am passionate about helping others and I know that I am capable of achieving what I set my mind to. So, after three years, I am ready to return to college, finish my degree and continue to Law School. I see a career in law as a way to utilize my talents to their fullest extent and to continue helping others, and I see the University of Pittsburgh legal studies program as an outstanding way to begin this journey.

I will voluntarily resign my position with the American Red Cross with a heavy heart, but with a clearly defined purpose. I will be leaving a promising young career in a tough economy with no guarantees, but I am confident in my abilities and confident that the course I am taking is the right course. I can think of no better place to begin this next chapter in my life than in my hometown and with the University of Pittsburgh.

Some friends and family wonder how I can be happy knowing I will be in school into my 30's. They ask me if I regret the path I have chosen. They ask, if I could do it all over again, what would I do differently? My answer is: nothing. The decisions I made in the past created the experiences that shape me today and I know the challenges I face today will shape the experience of my future.

Again, I sincerely appreciate your consideration of my application and look forward to joining the University of Pittsburgh community. Please feel free to contact me with any questions, concerns or recommendations. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
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