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Posts by cmg
Joined: Feb 23, 2010
Last Post: Oct 18, 2010
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Posts: 14  

From: United States of America

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cmg   
Oct 18, 2010
Research Papers / What ancient societies would think of "bettering yourself". [6]

Citations weren't required. All the info is from several different books and poems we've been reading in class for the assorted eras discussed. I've considered just adding citations next time anyway.
cmg   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Success + Bright, Bold and Beautiful - uc admission, personal statement [8]

Prompt 1
Success
Success is what my family expects. Anything done in life should be done with great determination. The day after my older sister's graduation I started thinking about my future and asked myself, "Will I be successful?"When I asked my parents this question , they said being able to do what you aim for - no matter how small or supposedly insignificant, in the eyes of others - is success in its essence.

My mom is a teacher; her passion is to expand the young mind. All she has ever talked about is being successful and doing good in school; she has taught me to reach for my goals and aim to do my best. My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan, has affected my future career goals in a positive way. He has taught me that success isn't about big houses and being wealthy, but rather the person you are and how happy you are in life.

My true inspiration for wanting success is looking at my parents life and seeing what they went through to give me a shot at success. During 1996 we were under attack in Iraq; my parents had no choice but to leave their lives and family behind to protect me and my sisters. The lives they once lived had to be forgotten if they wanted us to see a better day. My dad, the famous lawyer, and my mom, the inspirational teacher, had come to America to seek opportunity for their children.

My parents, speaking no English, had to come to this great place they heard of called America and start their new lives. At the time my sister had asked my parents why we left our country. My dad, with hope in his eyes stated "soon enough you will understand why we did this for you and your sisters and you will appreciate live as you live it without much worries."

As the years went on both my parents had completed college in the U nited S tates and had big hope that things would change. My mom got a job as a teacher and my dad started working as a computer tutor after college. They would always laugh and say "if we did it, you can do it but even better!" After this they expected nothing less then happiness and achievement.

My life and career goals are set at a high limit because of my parents' advice. Every time there is a challenge I don't fear overcoming it because if I attempt to try anything, I will be guaranteed success in life. So when I think about what my parents did to give me opportunity, I always think to myself, I'm thankful to have people their for me who will push me towards success.

Prompt 2
Bright, Bold and Beautiful
Yellow is a bright beautiful color. Compared to all the other colors yellow is the one that attracts the eye. Whether its trying to or not, the color yellow stands out. People can be categorized by colors. Dark blues and browns are people who prefer to be standing in the background trying not to be seen. Pinks and oranges are those people who try to be involved and spirited but aren't naturally born to be a bright color. Yellow, however, can be seen from miles away. Yellow are people who naturally stand out and aren't afraid to be different. I'd like to call myself a yellow.

Before eighth grade graduation my school asked the graduates if they wanted to audition to be the student speaker.The aspiring student speaker had to write a five minute speech and present it to all participating teachers and they would get to choose who should say their speech at graduation. I wasn't planning to do it, I was just waiting to go shopping for a graduation dress and to get in to high school. The next day I was called out of class and the woman in charge of the auditions told me I was recommended b y five teachers to do the speech. Hearing that made me a lot more interested in trying it out.

Everyone who auditioned seemed like a different shade of color. The bold colors were the stand out people who will not take no for an answer and strive to do their best, the neutrals were those who will be known for some type of achievement but don't keep it going, and the dark colors were the unknown achievers.

Seeing the world in the color of yellow has greatly a ffected the changes around me. Being afraid has never crossed my mind, I am nervous but never scared to go for something that seems impossible to achieve. With that, I wrote a speech that showed my true and honest colors. Many people did really well but I never once doubted myself and just hoped for the best.

Colleges are looking for over- achievers that are willing to stand up to any challenge. Sometimes others don't realize that until it's too late. The challenges faced in college are things some neutrals and dark colors can not handle if they continue "staying inside the lines of the coloring book." S o the winners were to be announced and I was more nervous tha n I thought, I actually wanted to win and be the best! Finally, after a long wait they had called the winners name, "the winner is Darav Naseem for student speaker. " It was a very exciting moment, out of all the different speeches and styles written I had won!

When it feels like the moment to shine, you must take it and never think you' re too far behind to do great. This made me the person I am: my personality, my attitude towards things, and my overall presentation. I have had multiple experiences that have tested my ability but being the color yellow never let me down. Weather you are yellow, orange,green, blue, purple, (etc.) everyone has a change for bigger things, you must work to get where you want and want what you've worked for.

NOTE: Excellent work. I loved the personal statements. I merely cleaned it up a little and fixed the tense. I definitely agree with you on the color yellow. :)
cmg   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being a Twin" - College Application Personal Essay [14]

Very good. You've gotten the environment part down and part of the shaping down, but you are actually just describing the "WE." Now you need to work on describing what exactly the environment did to make you who you are today. Other than that, this is a spectacular essay. There are no obvious grammar or spelling mistakes to distract the reader from the meaning of the essay itself.
cmg   
Oct 14, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Honor towards One's Mother and Father" - I need help summing up my essay on honor. [8]

The conclusion is where you write a bit of a summary of your entire essay, stressing the points you've made in every paragraph and give the reader a feeling of closure. So, just take a look at each of your paragraphs and evaluate what the most important points are. You did a great job, otherwise.
cmg   
Oct 13, 2010
Research Papers / What ancient societies would think of "bettering yourself". [6]

Q: Each of you are enrolled in college to "better yourself," to advance in society. How would each of these cultures view such an ambition? If a culture supports such an ambition, what would it require? If it does not support such an ambition, what motivation does it offer to the ordinary individual? Our modern society is not universally and everywhere supportive of such an ambition: identify modern societal structures who rely on modern forms of each of these ancient idea-sets.

NOTE: Expressing your own opinion was encouraged. I also just want some feedback so I can improve for the next midterm.

The Babylonians

The Babylonians would view the ambition of "bettering yourself" as a selfish endeavor if it does not include increasing your productivity with crops or livestock for the good of the community. The Babylonians were against competition within the community because it generally wasn't for the greater good of the people and were anti-individualist because the individual is unpredictable.

The motivation the Babylonians would have offered to the ordinary individual would have been to work hard in the fields, with their carpentry and other useful trades which would benefit the entire community. This is like bettering yourself but for the common good and it may not be something you would enjoy doing.

A modern societal structure which relies on a modern form of this ancient idea-set would be Japan's societal structure. They encourage bettering yourself to a certain degree but they kind of choose what activity you better yourself in. This reveals itself in the various trade schools Japan have for people who were not too successful in school early on. Japan as a whole generally frowns upon unproductive ventures if it is not coupled with a productive venture.

The Egyptians

The Egyptians would view the ambition of "bettering yourself" a bit more openly than the Babylonians would. Granted, the Egyptians would still prefer you did something productive for the entire community more than half of the time but the Babylonians wanted you to do something communally productive all of the time.

To go about bettering yourself in ancient Egypt and still have the approval of the community you would have to better yourself in something which would be a gateway to doing something obviously beneficial for the community. They would perhaps appreciate a person who spends a portion of the time dealing with theory but then from said theory would be able to help the community. This would be like an engineer, scientist or mathematician.

A modern societal structure which relies on a modern version of this ancient idea-set would be Germany's societal structure. They give you plenty of opportunity to better yourself in theoretical pursuits you may enjoy whilst you are young but if you do not meet a certain standard in school you either learn a trade or hang out by the Imbiss smoking cigarettes you bought cheap off American soldiers with the German government's money. Germany would prefer if you did something productive but isn't going to force the issue too much after you are of age.

The Ancient Greeks and the People of Abraham

The ancient Greeks and the early Jews would have seen the ambition of "bettering yourself" as a worthy endeavor. It is believed philosophy and school had its roots in ancient Greek society. Tradition has it that the phrase "Let no one ignorant of geometry enter." was engraved at the door to Plato's Academy in Athens. This was because it was believed geometry (or math in general) opened a door to logic and with that logic you could engage in any academic venture. The Jews follow a similar logic in regards to bettering themselves but with more religion involved. The Jews were also known for choosing to better themselves in useful trades as to be unselfish, god-fearing people.

To better yourself in the ancient Greek society you would have to better yourself in a trade, become a professional soldier, or learn math so you hang with the other philosophical elites of the time. To better yourself in the early Jewish society you would first have to finish your learning of the Torah and then choose a pursuit to better yourself in, whether it is academic or common trade.

A modern societal structure which relies on a version of this ancient idea-set would be the United States. After the compulsory twelve years of school which seem to eat slowly away at your life you have a choice to make. You either continue with more specialized schooling which you hopefully, pick a trade and learn it, or live in your parents' basement for the rest of your life. The choices are very open and you don't necessarily have to be productive (last time I checked, designing video games is not a must).
cmg   
Apr 3, 2010
Essays / Do I need to use quotes or anything in a college essay? [9]

Most college essays don't require quotes as long as you communicate your point in an organized and well thought-out manner. When you say "make up a title", do you mean just pulling a fictional title out of nowhere? That might not go over so well.
cmg   
Apr 3, 2010
Book Reports / The Novel Family Matters [3]

First:
In Bill Killer's novel, "Class Matters", he emphasizes that inequality still exists in America. It is more difficult than ever to see this because America has offered a n opportunity for people to be successful. A lot of us complain so much about the inequality but some just around them. The o pportunity that some people have takenis to work hard and better themselves, but othershaven't . Those that have chosen to sit around and complain that others have an easier route did not take this offered opportunity . Inequality gets masked at the mall when people rush to the mall to get clothes that is worth $3,000 as per Chapter 9 in "Class Matters" . Sak's 5th Ave has customers coming in there purchasing clothes worth over $500 and above , but on the other hand there are people that look like they should be on the streets begging or something . Another example of inequality that gets masked is that members of the middle class may own a flat screen television, drive a BMW, and love expensive chocolate such as Godiva Chocolate. It takes a heart attack to learn about inequality in America, because of the income, education, occupation, and wealth. The assistance and advancement in medicine and disease prevention has increased the life expectancy in the United States. The benefits have gone to the rich, well educated, good jobs, and well connected individuals. Also, they take advantage of the latest treatments and have the cost covered by their insurance. I think that we are all one people and our blood is the same color, why can't we all get the same treatment and assistance members of the upper class receives? Our color, ethnicity, income, education, or wealth shouldn't be a deciding factor for anyone not to be receiving the same medicine to better our health .

The Link Family enlightened us with their class differences. The family is mixed with working class members and upper-middle class individuals. They weren't the richest but could support their families and themselves. "Relo Culture" is when people want to move up and out, to become wealthier and to move into larger cities to build bigger and better houses. Personally, I think the author was criticizing "Relo Culture". He feels the same way I'm feeling right now, which is why can't everyone live within the same community? Why can't everyone come together and better society instead of degrading each other because we don't dress alike, don't have the same education, or don't have the same income? We are all Americans, let's help uplift the country and not slowly bring it down to what it's not or shouldn't be. In c onclusion, C. Wright Mills' definition of "The Power Elite" defines the portrayed corporate executives as organization men who "must 'fit in'" with those already at the top. In other words, they have to be concerned with managing their impressions, as if the appearance of good results were more important than the actuality of them. It was a big deal back in the 1950's when C. Wright Mills wrote it.He was pointing out all the bad that the American Government was doing and how wars such as World War II, Cold War, and the Korean War started. They controlled the beautiful country of America, the scientific achievements, and sinking roots into America's educational institutions were being self governed. If he was alive I strongly believe he would say John McCain is a part of the power and also Lady Gaga.

What exactly is the topic of this essay? Is it supposed to contain your opinion or is it supposed to be in the third person? What point are you trying to get across? Which tense do you want to use for the entire essay? Are you writing about one book or several books? Are you comparing and contrasting these books? It has all the elements of being a great essay but you just need to do some fine tuning.
cmg   
Mar 30, 2010
Essays / three substantive analyses of the "poet's intent" - my literature essay [5]

I changed the topic. Now I'm comparing original works with newer versions. I really don't know where I'm going with it but I'm having fun.

THE REWORKING OF ORIGINAL TALES

BEOWULF: CHRISTIAN TRANSFORMATION

When a scribe reworked the original tale of Beowulf, he replaced the concept of wyrd with Christianity. This changed the intent of the original Beowulf, which was to promote a general acceptance of phenomenon unexplainable by man as an uncontrollable, random act of the universe. The new intent as set forth by the scribe was to promote a higher power, the Christian God, as being in charge of the universe and controlling every aspect of a person's life. This removes the randomness of the original telling of Beowulf and inserts God's will as the reason for all happenings. The seemingly philosophical focus of the original Beowulf is changed into a religious focus in the scribe's reworking. This massively changes the intent of the tale of Beowulf.

In the original telling of Beowulf the monsters Grendel, Grendel's mother and the dragon were just monsters the ring-giver had to get rid of in order to protect the people who swore fealty to him. In the case of Grendel and his mother the ring-giver Hrothgar gets lucky when Beowulf arrives to rid Hrothgar's people of these monsters. In the scribe's reworked version of Beowulf, these monsters are actually evil creatures of hell and Beowulf is chosen by God to defeat them. In the original tale of Beowulf the fact that Hrothgar is not physically harmed is a matter of randomness. In the Christian retelling this occurrence is explained by saying Hrothgar's throne was protected by God.

FROM SIR GAWAIN AND DAME RAGNELLE TO WIFE OF BATH'S TALE

In the original telling, Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnelle, King Arthur is charged with the task of finding out what women want most by Sir Gromer Somer Joure and is helped by nephew Sir Gawain. In the retelling, The Wife of Bath's Tale, a knight that has raped a woman is charged with the task of finding what women desire most by Arthur's queen and does so alone. If King Arthur and the rapist knight did not succeed in either tale, though, they would have their heads cut off. Chaucer decides to put the power in women's hands immediately which is why the task is set forth by Arthur's queen. The rapist knight learns his lesson purely through women. In both tellings women want the ability to make their own decisions.

Chaucer's The Wife of Bath's Tale adds a religious element like the scribe's reworking of Beowulf but it is a noticeably smaller element in The Wife of Bath's Tale. It is only seen at the end of Chaucer's tale when the Wife of Bath prays that Christ should send all women husbands who are young, meek, and fresh in bed, and the grace to outlive their husbands. The changes to the introduction in this story are enough to make the majority of the stories different but the outcomes of both are generally the same, apart from the fact in The Wife of Bath's Tale the husband and wife have a long happy life together and in Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnelle the wife dies after five short years, leaving the husband to grieve her for the rest of his life.

HOLINSHED AND FROISSART REDONE BY SHAKESPEARE

Shakespeare's Richard II is not largely different from the Chronicles of Froissart and Holinshed's Chronicles. Shakespeare altered Gaunt into a patriotic character that is very loyal to the king in order to assert the divine right of kings. This adds a large element of Christianity to the play. This is noticeable when Richard II claims if Bolingbroke tries to usurp the throne, the heavens and Richard II will rain vengeance upon him. This is also noticeable when the Duke of York exhibits an extreme loyalty to the new king by racing off to basically tattle on his own son for conspiring against the crown.

Shakespeare also changed the reason for Bolingbroke's banishment in his play, Richard II. Originally in Holinshed's Chronicles, Bolingbroke is exiled for being unable to peacefully end his dispute for with Mowbray. In Shakespeare's reworking, Richard's apparent motivation for banishing Bolingbroke is jealousy. Richard did not like that Bolingbroke was so much more popular amongst the people than he was. This allows Shakespeare to demonstrate how Richard II was a poor ruler because he allowed his emotions to color his decisions.

JUVENAL'S ROME TO JOHNSON'S LONDON

Johnson takes Juvenal's satire on Rome and reworks it to fit London. Both satires are extremely similar as far as the writers are talking about how the major city they live in is a cesspool of corruption, crime and death. Both writers wrote nostalgically of the histories of their homelands and lamented the new replacing the old. They both wrote of foreigners taking over their homes and taking precedence over the true citizens.

Johnson more directly attacks his government by comparing George II (though he is not specifically mentioned) and the Whig political party to the Roman emperors during the Roman Empire's decline. Johnson was able to use more contemporary examples than Juvenal because Juvenal lived in a dangerous age. Writing something about a contemporary could've been fatal for the satirist. The only other differences are ultra specific to their regions and time-periods.

FROM BEOWULF TO THE SEA OF TROLLS

Farmer's The Sea of Trolls takes the original Beowulf, adds the religious element (like the scribe's Beowulf) and also greatly alters the story. Farmer takes Grendel's mother, gives her a name (Frith) and background, and gives her a sister. This sister is the central character of the reworked story. The bard in The Sea of Trolls claims that the reason Hrothgar's hall was attacked was that all good things had to come to an end. The bard reasoned that if things were going too well for too long, it meant it was time for it to be put to an end by an outside force. The bard asserts that all religions are possible which is different from the scribe's version of Beowulf. The scribe's version only asserted the Christian religion which, of course, also differed from the original version of Beowulf that covered the concept of wyrd.

Frith wants revenge on the bard because in Farmer's version, the bard cast a spell on Beowulf so that he could breathe underwater for a certain amount of time in order to battle Grendel's mother. This drive for revenge brings about the end of a good era for a small Saxon village where the bard is staying. This leads to him telling his apprentice, Jack, the story of Beowulf and Hrothgar's hall. He also tells Jack how Frith sent the dragon to kill Beowulf. All of these elements in Farmer's story take the concept of wyrd out of the picture since they explain why everything happened. It also makes the Christian focus shaky since it validates several other religions through Farmer's creation of the Tree of Life. Each branch is a different religion in existence and the bard tells Jack that a person goes to whatever afterlife they chose.

Farmer's version also differs from the former tales because instead of focusing on a good ring-giver, it focuses on a terrible one. This ring-giver is King Ivar the Boneless who is married to Frith because he was fooled by her beauty (synthetic). It is proposed in the story that he is called Boneless because he lets Frith do whatever she wishes, even if it negatively impacts those who swore fealty to him. It is also mentioned, however, that Ivar used to be a great king until he went to the land of the trolls and was tricked by Frith into marriage. Since Ivar's people had been prospering for too long a time under his rule, Frith served as the end of such a glorious era.

FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ TO WICKED: MOVIE TO BOOK

Fleming's intent in The Wizard of Oz was completely replaced in Maguire's retelling, Wicked. Fleming's movie asserts that there is no place like home and an idealistic black-and-white depiction of right and wrong. Maguire's book takes the Wicked Witch of the West, gives her an actual name (Elphaba) and makes her the protagonist. In the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West is just Dorothy's dream version of the mean old woman who wanted to take her dog away. In Wicked, Elphaba is actually for Animals' rights and is trying to see if animals can be taught to talk. In this world there is a distinction between Animals and animals because Animals can talk while animals cannot.

Maguire also added an element of religion not unlike Christianity. In Wicked, Elphaba is green and allergic to water because her mother had been unfaithful to her husband and their god was punishing her. Elphaba's sister (who got a house dropped on her) has no arms in the book and her red slippers actually were spelled so that she could stand and walk without assistance. Their brother was born normally after their mother stopped being unfaithful in her marriage. In The Wizard of Oz religion is not mentioned at all and really doesn't have any more depth really than to persuade the viewer to appreciate their lives.

In The Wizard of Oz, the Wizard of Oz is depicted as a great ruler with adoring subjects and great knowledge. Everyone in Emerald City is happy and believes they can depend on the Wizard for anything. He basically is depicted as a great ring-giver in the movie. In Wicked, he is described as a despotic emperor who neglects the average citizens of the empire in favor of the noble class. He is basically the Richard II of the story. Elphaba has noble blood in Munchkin Land, is popular amongst the average citizen and Animals (less than citizens) and defies him at every turn. She often speaks of how Emerald City is just a pile of corrupted filth and how she would like to leave, like Johnson and Juvenal.

To rid himself of this threat to his power, the Wizard summons the ignorant Dorothy. Like Juvenal, Elphaba should have been more discreet and should not have mentioned any contemporaries since she lived in a dangerous age. Dorothy's house then falls on Elphaba's sister and the Good Witch Glinda (depicted as a spoiled airhead) takes her shoes and gives them to Dorothy. Dorothy goes about her duty without knowing she was supposed to and kills Elphaba by throwing water on her. In the book, Dorothy thought she was saving the witch by putting out the fire from her broomstick which had spread to her robe.

This adaptation of The Wizard of Oz by Maguire has nothing to do with the original intent of Fleming to persuade the viewer to appreciate their lives but expands on all the elements offered in the movie, much like how Shakespeare took the Chronicles and expanded upon it with more embellishments. While Shakespeare mostly sticks rather closely to the history as it happened and added a few things to the Chronicles, Maguire only sticks to the basic time frame set up by the original story and lets his imagination run rampant with the rest of it.
cmg   
Feb 23, 2010
Essays / three substantive analyses of the "poet's intent" - my literature essay [5]

The purpose of my essay is to identify a film I have seen and for which there are at least three substantive analyses of the "poet's intent" published in contemporary periodicals, and after reading those analyses, compare and contrast the poet/film-maker's intents against the functions of poets or the standards of poetry articulated by our ancient authorities.

The sources I'm using are three reviews from newspaper movie critics, Deor, Widsith, Bede's Story of Caedmon, Sidney's Defense of Poesy, Chaucer's House of Fame, and Pope's Essay on Criticism.

Even though I'm pretty sure I know what I want to write, I can't move past my choppy introduction:

"I read the reviews by movie critics working for the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, and the Chicago-Sun Times on the movie Julie &Julia. Respectively, the movie critics were A.O. Scott, Kenneth Turan, and Roger Ebert. These critics attempted to ascertain the intent of filmmaker Nora Ephron in this movie as well as the reliability of the information offered in Julie &Julia."

Any ideas on how to make it flow a little better?
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