Posts by Zhiyang

Zhiyang

Mar 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "My father was an abusive alcoholic" - UCF application essay [3]

Hmmm, you described alot about your father, but you need to elaborate more on how that shaped you to be who you are.

You said your father took the easy path, and you wouldn't. Can you elaborate more on what do you mean easy path, and why you consider that easy. Also, state how will you do things differently.

For the last paragraph, the sentence "Nothing's given me any reason to have hope at this point, but I'm the light in my own dark world and I won't lose that" sounds like you are in a drama. Maybe you are emotional when you are writing this, but I think it will be better if you just state the essence, you believe in yourself.

Also the phrase 'My pain and my past will strengthen others one day, and even though it will always be with me' is not very good as well. You should say how your experience lead you to some kind of awakening, which becomes a part of your personality that is willing to help others.

Zhiyang

Mar 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Good and bad points about my internship - [4]

Are you trying to do a feedback of your internship experience or an admission essay or a curriculum vitae for work?

For the first paragraph, instead of "By having an internship, you will be taught more deeply on future work", you can say "Through an internship, one can gain experience in applying one's knowledge in the industry, preparing one for the workforce".

In the same paragraph, for the second sentence from the last, it should be "I had an internship"

For the next sentence, you should have started off like this "During my internship" instead of "When I had internship".
Also, I don't understand what does "in the fast lane" means, or at least I have never heard of such a phrase. You should just say something that implies that an internship has good points and bad points. Something like " it was a hectic, yet, rewarding experience".

Moving on to the next paragraph, it should be theoretical skills ~~what~~that I have got in University"

Following that, the next sentence should be "Since my knowledge is not enough and I then spent the day reading e-books".

Moving on, instead of "Many lessons were accidentally taught to me, about real life experiences and I gained some confidence", how about " I learned many life lessons/skills on the job and from my colleagues experiences, which boosted my confidence".

For this sentence, "On the other hand, I have just realized what were some people saying about the good points of having an internship", please elaborate.

And for this sentence "Throughout my internship I also gained network with the whole ball of wax(IT Professionals); Up until now I still have contact with them", please rephrase as it is too informal.

Please substitute another word for "badness", since it is informal, which should not be the tone of this essay. I am sorry, I cannot think of another word now.

For the third paragraph, for the second and third sentence, just say that throughout the internship, you are very busy and was struggling trying to solve the challenges met at work.

For the rest of your third paragraph, your tone makes intership sound very unappealing.

Your conclusion could begin like this "In conclusion, regarding having an internship, after weighing the good points against the bad points, I still feel...(continue as you did)..

For the next sentence, in should be "point of having an internship is that I can prepare ~~the ground~~myself for the time when I join the workforce, in terms of confidence and competence.

Last sentence, you make internship sound very appealing which is paradoxical, considering how unappealing you made it sound above.

These are just my comments, I have no idea how useful they are to you, hope you can use them.

Zhiyang

Mar 26, 2010

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:People enjoy change.others like their lives to stay the same [5]

I am not sure what are you writing this for, so I will judge you based a bit harshly.

Firstly, you might want to state your stand in your introduction. This is a technique my tutor taught me, which improves clarity as the examiners will know what to expect.

Secondly, your discussion is quite shallow and may show a lack of maturity. You lack a comparison, where you will say why people stagnation is good, and evaluate and rebut it. You may also say why others would say change is bad and similarly, find fallacies or assumptions in their argument, evaluate their validity, be it based on circumstances or something else (which can then be solved) or rebut them like above. Something like those.

For example, your paragraphs could be about how people who don't like change say that change is bad. (please specify how, and make it easy to rebut, common arguments may not necessarily be hard to rebut) In response, you can say how the desire for change have led people in the past to raise up against oppression, to lead to unity or a better government in response to why peole might say change is bad, and point out the sufferings people will be in if no change is observed.

Of course, what I gave above is only how one paragraph could possibly b in my opninion, but I thought you might find it useful as an example of a guideline. Please include more paragraphs

Your last paragraph "Changing to getting something better is good. But people should not be impulsive in their lives. They should make some diagnostic about what it needs to be change and what it needs to be kept the same in their lives." is not a very good way to end your essay in my opnion. While I am not an expert in writing introductions and conclusions, I just think that it does not give the feeling of a close, since you just add a new idea that is directly related to your question.

But I will praise you for that last paragraph because it shows balance, which does show that you are informed, able to think about the issue and mature. Good Job!

As you probably know, I am not a moderator, so I may not be the best person to judge you, but these are my sincere comments, I hope you benefit from them. Good Luck on you essay!

Zhiyang

Mar 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "cultural diverse background" -the environment you come from, MICHIGAN STATE [4]

Erm...I live in Asia so I am not so faimiliar about the demographics of where you are living.

For the second paragraph, I would prefer you elaborate more on your 'isolation', such as the reason (racial?). Also, why do you say that attending the International Academy is a cultural shock?

Also what is the difference between your local high school and the International Academy that prompt you then to transfer there instead?
Upon reflection, what did you think you learned or would have learned from the exposure to a variety of culture?

Simply put, you are not elaborating enough on your cultural diverse background. You are only giving some lessons or actions you learned or took after experienceing it.(apart from the first 2 sentence, which I think was fine)

In the last paragraph, you said you disagreed with your parent's ideology, which is fine(I will elaborate more on it later), but you later said that your parents are the greatest positive influence on you. Either this is a paradox, which you did not explain or you just contradicted yourself.

Last but not least, you should not be so dismissal towards money. Whether you like it or not, you still need money for your necessities. You may not want alot of money, but you should still should not have the idea of working for free. This would show you, in my opinion, as a more realistic and mature person. (and not greedy as well?)

Since I do not understand your community(the place where you are living) very well, so my advice may not be relevant, but I do hope that what I gave you are of use to you. Also, since I think there are some things you need to change, with respect to your content in the second and last paragraph, I won't edit your grammar first. Hope to see your next draft!

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Ultrasound application essay (reasons for pursuing ultrasound as a career) [3]

I think you should start your essay by saying that your reason for pursuing ultrasound as a career originated from your experience with your grandfather. In my opinion, I think this helps to prepare the readers for your description of your grandfather.

Third paragraph, you need to describe what you did in past tense, unless you are still a vounteer there, which then might need a rephrasing.

For the 2nd sentence from the last in the third paragraph, I think you may need to be more clearer. I am not sure about the field you are in, but my understanding of what you wrote is that you are the one examining the patient and then telling him/her whether the patient has some kind of diesease. Even if this what you meant, I think you could be clearer like saying you are the one performing the examination, I think it will make you sound even more experienced.

For the last sentence in the third paragraph, you can rephrase it as "I then continue conversing (casually) with the patient/s to put him/her/them at ease.

"continue with casual talk" sounds weird to me.

I think you should elaborate on your interpersonal skills, while I may not know what is relevant, I will just give examples of usual things like tact or patience (I can only think of these 2 now after reading your essay)

That's all I can think of at the moment, hope they are useful to you. Good Luck on your application!

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Undergraduate / T. Harv Eker - a person who influenced me, and why and how he influenced me [6]

Below is my revision to my original essay, I hope someone can help me improve it further. I am also looking for comments as to whether I picked the right person, and hope someone can give me a suggestion as to who else might seem like a person who is a source of influence. Thanks in advance to everyone and Nguyen Thu Hien for the above advice!

READ ABOVE

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Undergraduate / T. Harv Eker - a person who influenced me, and why and how he influenced me [6]

Hmm... the second paragraph was there to give background information, and the third was, where I think I would model after him since I start off pathetically in high school, like how he start off poor.

How should I change?

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Writing Feedback / "How people look, dress & act reveals their attitudes and interests" -GRE ISSUE [5]

I am not sure how your essay is graded, but as a student who is sitting for the GCE 'A' level, I will judged you based on how I know essays are written in general paper. So no offence intended if my advice is wrong. Thanks for your patience.

In the fifth paragraph, I find the sentence "[i]Additionally, compared Beijing with Paris, the stylish city, one can realize that how dresses differ from one country to another. [/i]" redundant as I think you have already managed to get your point across.

In the third paragraph from the last, the one about infering values and ideas from people's behavior, aside from the first sentence and the examples, I don't quite understand your elaboration and how your examples support your arguments. For example, what are the values in the chinese and american society that accounts for the act of touching or not touching a child's head? Why would people's action/s, based on freewill, define the the community they belong to? I think you may want to elaborate more on these, if time permits.

In the next paragraph, I think you lack examples and the explanations and elaborations for why and how they would support your view.

Overall, I think there is an imbalance between the discussion of appearance and actions.

Also, regarding your first paragraph, for point 3, I don't really think it is obvious, and I think that you are assuming that a community's dresscode and behaviour are consistent with time and place within the region the community is located in.

And, I don't think it should be solely , rather it should be sole. (Last 2nd line)

Since I am not an expert in writing, the things I raised my not necessarily be true, but I hope they are useful to you.

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Undergraduate / T. Harv Eker - a person who influenced me, and why and how he influenced me [6]

Oh and one more thing, I chose T. Harv Eker out of someone's suggestion to me. I hope someone can tell me whether it is the right choice and if not, suggest someone else. Thanks

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Graduate / Doctorate degree, knowledge in materials chemistry: The benefit for my country. [5]

Hmm...I may not be a genius in grammar but I think I think I can help you in grammar for some parts of your essay.

Firstly, there should not be a " at the beginning of your second sentence.

Secondly, at the start of the second paragraph, I believe that with my...

Thirdly, instead of saying "I can contribute significantly... Indonesia more than now", I think it will be better if you rephrase it as "I can contribute significantly more to Indonesia in the area of research than now."

Next, instead of "raise the ... internationally.", I would have phrased it as "raise the amount of regconition the international community gives to Indonesian research and development."

Moreover, I think your sentence ,"This is due to a lack of government attention to the world of research that appeared to lack of funds allocated for research." is trying to imply that because of the lack of govenment attention to research, little funds are allocated to it. If I were to assume that is what you wanted to say and that your details are correct, I will just rephrase your " that appeared to lack of funds allocated for research" to " causing a lack of funds allocated to research.".

Following that, your phrase,"only 6 of Indonesia recognized scientists in the world of over 200 million inhabitants of Indonesia." could be rephrased as " only 6 out of the 200 million inhabitants of Indonesia are regconised scientists."

In the last sentence, you should add an "a[/i]" between "[i]become" and "world"

Last but not least, with respect to what you have written, please do say that the productivity of Indonesian scientists is low. I think you should have said that with more scientists, Indonesia can raise its level of research or something. (sorry, I can't think of the word now)

I can't think of anything to add to your content though. Really Sorry. Hope what I gave you was useful.

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Undergraduate / T. Harv Eker - a person who influenced me, and why and how he influenced me [6]

The following is my draft of my undergraduate admission essay, I have 423 words, But I need to compress? it to 300 words. Any advice will be appreciated. This is my first time posting a thread, so I hope I did everything right regarding the post. Thanks!

I came to know of T. Harv Eker from attending the National Achievers' Congress 2007 and 2008. He is a man of humble beginnings and his dream was to be a millionaire. After becoming a millionaire for the first time, in less than 2 years, he lost that million. Despite that, he did not give up on his dream and soon, he developed theories of how people perceive money as well as how one should manage their money, which make him more than he dreamt of, a multi-multimillionaire. His example showed me the success story of someone despites one's depressing past. Since making a fortune, he did not keep his ideas to himself and share it with people, helping others achieve financial freedom, thus giving back to the community. He also believed in continuous education and grasping opportunities

Drawing parallels to his humble beginnings, I start off my high school life with a weak foundation in most of my subjects, due to severe procrastination in my primary and secondary school days. This is not supposed to be for a high school student and so I was dealt karmic justice. While my habit of being unable to ignore the nitty-gritty details of my curriculum made me, on one hand, learn well, and on the other hand, learn slowly. However, because of my weak foundations my learning was slow. But like T. Harv Eker, I refuse to give up on my dream, and even now, long after my 'A' levels, I continue to practice my physics, mathematics, economics and writing, which are among the subjects I took for my 'A' levels, and will do so even after I enlist for National Service. I do this because I want to learn university physics, for many reasons such as it's relevance to everyday life and also to understand more about the world.

Like his belief in grasping opportunities, though it may seem late now that I have graduated from the junior college, when I do not have my academic materials with me, I still try to learn other things from the people around me, such as new Chinese phrases, financial education, basic cooking as well as knowledge in topics ranging from science to health to religion.

Also, with my past, I too understand about the cost of making wrong choices and can empathise with people. Together with his noble belief in giving back to society, I believe that through the university life, I can increase my academic and non-academic knowledge and can give back more to society.

Zhiyang

Mar 25, 2010

Essays / Cause and effect of financial essay, brainstorm [4]

Erm...Can you be more clear in your question? I presume you meant cause and effect on financial problems.
For causes, on the personal level, it may be due to a lack of financial education, as well as other education or skills required to take up a decent job, that can pay more than one's monetary NEEDS(things such as the cheapest food available that is not detrimental to health either in terms of quality or quantity, basic clothing etc, can't think of any other examples now). Also, one needs to be able to analyse choices of investments and purchase the right ones. It may also be due to health problems.

Some possible effects would be, on the personal level, one may live a sad life, in the sense that he does not have money for retirement or health problems etc. On the family level, if applicable, the children may need to starve, may not be able to get medical attention if necessary, or unable to attend college since scholarships are so hard to get. A divorce may happen or maybe even homicide followed by suicide by either parent. (In Singapore, there are a number of occurrences that a man disrupt public trains by jumping onto the tracks trying to escape the financial problems and family problems that arise as a result of the former.) On societal level, crime rates may increase, or dissent of the government may increase if a significant population lives in poverty and there is not much equity in the country. This may lead to riots or something. ( Such as the problems faced by tamils in early Sri Lanka? Not too sure, since I learned it a long time ago).

I hope my pointers do help