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Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
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An intercountry and foreign adoption issue unaware of hidden problems psychological affects agency failure to reveal information can be disruptive in the relationship to adoptive parents. (This is very confusing. Rewrite it to clarify; perhaps something such as, "Failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents.") "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems, (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25).
Adoption agency seeks and provides a home for many displaced wounded children and happiness for adoptive parents gain hope (This is very confusing. Perhaps rewrite to something like, "Adoption agencies seek and provides homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope." What does this have to do with the undiagnosed psychological problems of foreign adoption candidates?) . Adoptive parents sometimes
don't (No contractions! "Do not..." realize what they
get (Change to "have gotten.") into when they legalized an adoption
and that adoptee
's behavior results
from (Change to "in".) trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25).
Are you referring to symptoms of the child's undiagnosed mental disorder(s) or results of the frustrated adoptive parent's actions?Agency fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who gain hope for raising a child, completes a responsible family unit(How is this relevant to the adopted child's undiagnosed mental issues?) . Sometimes adoptive families have problems
with (Remove) connecting with children.
Now it becomes a financial hardship for adoptive parents to connect with adoptee when they invest their time with psychologist. (This is a brand new idea that is left hanging without any substance because you have not written anything previous about this topic. Either add more to it to strengthen this statement, or remove it. As it stands it is an incomplete thought resulting in an uncomplete paragraph.------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------
In addition a child
's behavioral problem
becomes (Change to "causes") a major impact on
family's (Change to "family" life as it did
for (change to "in") Mrs. Hilt's case
in (Change to "when") adopting Nina at nine months. In the Newsweek article,
"When Adoption Goes Wrong," by Wingert, Pat reports,(Check your required citation style for citing article titles in text. Also, we do not list last names before first when citing in text. This citation should look something like, "...When Adoption Goes Wrong, Pat Wingert reports that Mrs. Hilt...") Mrs. Hilt tried to connect with 2-year Nina, whom was very aggressive and reluctant to affection,
(Insert "and") ha
d been a struggle. Nina ha
d violent tantrums and destroyed furniture when Mrs. Hilt was not watching. During Nina's
presents (? I'm not sure what you mean here; tantrums? Episodes? Fits?) in
Mrs. Hilts frustrations and impatient with Nina's antics has lead her in deep depression as she started drinking that she would never thought or imagine she would do in her entire life. Her depression was dormant from her marriage and outside world. One day Nina was unbearable to handle when Mrs. Hilt could not take it anymore with this uncontrollable rage she had toward Nina's behavior. From this statement, "She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went." Mrs. Hilt does the unthinkable never to hit a child before now that she is punished for innocent Nina deaths before Nina reach the hospital. Now Mrs. Hilt is serving a 19-year sentence in Virginia maximum-security prison (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, Issue 25). (Since this seems to be a direct quote, all of it should be in either quotes or block text, depending on your citation style requirements.)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teens psychological effects experience strong impulses for searching biological parents because they want to learn their identity and genetic origin not necessarily problems with adoptive parents. (This is confusing; reword for clarity. Something like, "Teens experience strong impulses to find their biological parents. They want to learn their identity and genetic origin." Then you need to cite a source.) Teens want to know who they are and where they came from
originally (Change to "biologically".) .
So (Remove, start the sentence with "They".) need answers to puzzling questions. Sometimes teens will feel rejection all over again from their biological parents who don't wish to be responsible for their lives. Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D. from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at North western University School of Medicine in Chicago discovers
that "
...t eens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear (adoption.about/od/searchandreunion 4/19/2008)."
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Adoptive parent's doubts themselves being a good parent to adoptee teens when behavior issues disrupts their relationship. (This is very confusing. Rewrite for clarity; "Adoptive parents, like biological parents, doubt their parenting abilities when faced with difficult teenage behavior.") Only because teens experience this strong
urge feeling (Choose one of these adjectives, do not use both.) to learn about their genetic
origin background (Use one of these adjectives, not both.) . Adoptive parents are concerned to overcome such
behavioral problems (Is curiosity a behavioral problem? If so, cite your source.) after raising adoptee teens since they were babies. Adoptive parents invest more in
(Add "the")Behavior Health Care Facilities (These are not proper nouns, therefore they do not need capitalization.) part of health care system
s to find answers
to how they can help their adopte
d teens. Teen
' (Remove) s rebellious behavior can escalate
,for (Change to "resulting in" them
to take (Change to "taking") a journey
in search of (Change "to find") their biological parents. All that
Adoptive (This is not a proper noun, therefore does not need capitalization.) parents can
do is (Remove)remaining (Change to "remain") supportive to their adopte
d teen
' (Remove) s wishes. They
can't (No contractions! "...cannot...") hold them back
for (Change to "from") their journey.
As long as the teens know how much their adoptive parents love them." (This is an incomplete sentence; we know the "who" but not the "what". What results from the children knowing their parents love them?I am concerned because there are no strong connections between any of the ideas presented here. Each paragraph seems to be a mini-essay of its own; there really aren't any transitions tying all of your thoughts together. Also, I still did not see any relation to the text The Giver, except in the very first sentence. Find a way to relate your ideas to the text and tie it all up so that it is one essay, rather than several small individual ones.I hope this helps you.
Regards,
Gloria
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