Posts by clocktower

clocktower

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / BU Supp: Leaps and Bounds - spectacular progress or growth in a big way. [6]

I love the structure of this essay - especially how you tied it back to "leaps and bounds" in the conclusion.
You definitely answered the question and it's also obvious that you've researched what BU has to offer.
I see no problems. Fantastic work and best of luck!

clocktower

Aug 14, 2010

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]

EF_Kevin, zengrz, thank you so so much for the feedback! I very deeply appreciate it.
Both of your comments helped so much I cannot find the words to properly express my gratitude.

@EF_Kevin

As I read, my mind works hard to remember all the sentences of the first paragraph, and the second, and I have to keep them all in mind, because I am waiting to find out what the point of it all might be. That is why you need to revise so that there is one sentence (somewhere near the end of the first para or in the second para) that tells the reader concisely what this is all about. Then, the reader can say, "Ah, I see what this is about," and continue to read with a clear mind.

I understand what you are getting at! I will definitely endeavor to fix it. In fact in my AP Writing class, a fellow classmate pointed out that she was also waiting throughout the essay for a connection, but it did not occur to me then as something to tweak.

(P.S. I'm still new to this place...do we continue posting edits here for feedback? )

@zengrz

But they seemed to lack something that is strong enough to wake me up, someone reading a thousand essays a day may just miss that, and you won't want that to happen.

Very true! Must keep that in mind.

Do you feel angry that they lacked these? Or frustrated? Any form of strong emotion will make the reader aware, and question themselves naturally what is going on.

I was (and am, a bit) particularly frustrated with that fact. I'll try to see what I can do to emphasize that.

Once more, thank you both very much for helping to improve this essay :')

clocktower

Aug 11, 2010

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]

Thanks for the feedback.

I suppose I could rewrite the first sentence you mentioned to incorporate all genres of film, however I was writing of experiences from the films I usually watch (which are not horror movies). So thanks for pointing that out!

I don't stick to the usual conventions of paragraphing for essays because I am accustomed to writing creatively / more like a novel. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be bothersome? Again, thank you for pointing that out.

clocktower

Aug 10, 2010

Writing Feedback / Cooperating of fathers in child rearing [3]

Firstly, I think you meant "Cooperation" for the title!

Be careful with your tenses, they jump around a lot.

... but unfortunately fewer men pay attention to this matter. In this situation, women shouldered the burden of household management in spite of they work outside the home. Their families face with some problems.

Corrections: The role of fathers in child rearing is essential, but unfortunately fewer men are paying attention to this matter. In this situation, women shoulder the burden of household management in spite of their work outside the home. Their families are faced with some problems.

Also be careful about plurals.
I will highlight changes in red.

In the past, in most societies, men were the breadwinners and financial providers of families, while women were responsible for house chores, such as upbringing the children. We witnessed (<-- awkward word choice) husbands sometimes telling their wives irrational statements such as "You wanted to ... In this condition (awk), men mad e women stay at home and spend their time cooking food, cleaning ...

... families in one hand, and the tendency of most women to work outside the home on the other hand, husbands should help their wives in ...

... during the process of upbringing of a child, the child needs the attention and emotion ...
So if husband does not properly play his role, his child may be faced with some disappointments and ... For example , many adults say they wanted ... It is obviously clear that love can never be replaced by money and welfare.

In summary, the necessity for cooperation between mothers and fathers to raise ...

You bring up a lot of good points here that you could elaborate on (such as "some emotional problems of a child"...), but I'm not sure how long your essay is supposed to be. You've only touched the surface of the issue, but one can only write so much. :) It's good so far, minus little grammar issues! Hope this helps.

clocktower

Aug 10, 2010

Undergraduate / Being an artist - ucla prompt 2 tell us about a talent [6]

Art defines who they are as how they perceive the world.

Did you mean "and"?

My only additional criticism concerns the introduction -- I agree with vietfun2k, I would try to smooth over the transition from the descriptions of the "heat" so emphasized in the introduction to your passion for art.

It's not a very pleasant feeling, especially when I sit in my garage studio painting a picture. Painting is my talent, my passion, my life.

Here the jump is a little abrupt. Since you use the Texas summer heat as your hook, you should give it some more significance in your following writing (this may be worded a little awkwardly, but I am trying to say that it is of some use as a recurrent, descriptive aspect for this work, if you would like). Either that or tone down the details in the intro, since the real point is your passion for art, not the heat.

However, this is an overall well-written essay. You do a great job using descriptive language, illustrating for readers a portrait of someone who wholeheartedly loves art and being an artist.

As a fellow artist, I really connected with this. :) I wish you the best of luck!

clocktower

Aug 10, 2010

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]

An answer to one of the prompts on the Common App! The full prompt is as follows: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

This is my very first post here, haha. I would greatly appreciate any feedback whatsoever concerning my response: things I should leave out, things I should rephrase, things that should be elaborated on, etc. I'm aware this is well over 500 words, but I'm not sure where the chopping should be done.

Thank you very much in advance!

I find my escape in dark rooms, the kind with one large eye of dancing images and a reel puttering softly at the back from behind a window. In these rooms, a tear can roll down the cheek of a young woman; a row of whites bares itself in a side corner; knuckles whiten as fingers grip seats. For the most part, the rooms are blanketed in darkness, but in the brief glows of illumination from the big screen, I like to turn around and take it all in: the secret tears, the hidden smile, someone inadvertently leaning back in their seat.

Having seen a good film, you walk out of the theater in a daze with echoes of laughter and soundtrack milling around in your head.

I like a certain kind of movie in particular, the kind where the actors are only voices, breathing life into characters that only exist on screen. However, my deep appreciation for CGI-animated films has only come about recently. When I was five, I howled in enjoyment with my kindergarten classmates at Woody and Buzz Lightyear's toy escapades. I fell in love at age eleven with Nemo, Marlin, Dory, and their underwater world along with everyone else. When I was twelve, I finished watching The Incredibles wishing I had super powers. At sixteen, I marveled at the colors of Paradise Falls, "aww"-ing at the adventures of an old man, a little boy, and a rainbow bird.

2010 brought something different. I walked into a movie by DreamWorks expecting some more fun nonsense like that of the studio's previous works involving talking animals and a Scottish ogre. Instead, I found myself enraptured by the tale of a young Viking named Hiccup going beyond his village's traditional hatred of dragons and befriending one.

Childish? The plot, perhaps.

But in a scene where Hiccup's father is speaking with a friend, his words faded as I stared at the separate hairs of his fur vest, shifting with his movements in the sunlight streaming in, as naturally as if watching real footage. From there, I noted the rusted details of the characters' metal hats, the carefully carved faces of rock cliffs, the actions of bodies painstakingly plotted to mimic real-life kinetics.

The simple act of Elastigirl pushing her daughter's hair back in The Incredibles in 2004 was a monumental feat in CGI animators. Long, flowing hairs had not been rendered at that level before. To experience the great achievements of the animation world all together on that screen was to return to the ground from the back of a dragon with a feeling of inspiration never felt before.

I began making crayon scribbles at age two. In elementary and middle school, I doodled habitually as a hobby. As I entered high school and got to know other artists, I acquired the typical fire to improve, drawing more and more. The act was like breathing, but as breaths the drawings crystallized fast and fell.

They were flat. They lie inert in forgotten pages of school handouts and sketchbooks. Did they have somewhere to stride towards, a final destination where their feelings and actions could reach out and touch audiences? Did they have something to become? The pages of Pixar's various art books display messy sketches of its cartoon residents, scratchy and faded like the monochromatic photographs of ancestors. I looked at these nascent stages of illustration and felt a sense of beginning. I was an amateur artist with nowhere to go and nowhere particular in mind. Movies were merely entertainment.

I yearned for my artwork to be able to dance one day as well, but knew not how to achieve this.

DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon exposed me to the wondrous possibilities of its medium and all those involved in production. Now, when I place my pencil to paper, I think in three dimensions. I remember the small chest heave of a character - little idiosyncrasies that connect them to us. When I place my pencil to paper, I think with respect of the years of work that stand invisible to viewers behind a film's surface: years of concept art, writing, and digital editing.

When I begin to draw, I remember the rush of emotions that emerges privately in the darkness of a theater, the artists that evoke it, and think:

I want to be a part of that.