Posts by greengrl247

greengrl247

Aug 24, 2010

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Bring any person to a special place [7]

Thank you for all your feedback! I feel like I want to see where I can go with the Tory Burch idea just because although the Greg Mortenson will make me seem more well rounded, Tory Burch is truly the one person I would like to spend a day with. However, based on that, do you think that I need to do anything to the first response to improve upon it? Or do you think it is fine as it is with EF Kevin's minor change?

greengrl247

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Essay on an intellectual pursuit exemplified in a craft! [8]

WOW! I love it! I just caught one little thing which I might be wrong about, so I would double check if I were you, but in the following sentence: "This long process has helped me immensely as I constantly gain new knowledge on how to improve, how to excel." I like how you write "how to excel" at the end but should you put a dash before it instead of a comma? I might be wrong, however I would double check if that punctuation is right or not. Other than that it is great!

I hope I helped!

-Trisha
PS: Do you mind taking a look at my NYU supplement?

greengrl247

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Help with UVA supplement: "Our Road" [4]

PS: Can you take a look at my NYU supplement and give me some feedback? essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bri ng-person-special-place-18233/
Thanks!

greengrl247

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Miami International University of Art & Design; be part of the fashion industry [8]

Kind of. I get what you are saying; however, before talking about your goals you need to introduce what your goals actually are before you start referring to goals.

greengrl247

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Miami International University of Art & Design; be part of the fashion industry [8]

Hello! Below is a revision that might help to break up your ideas. Also if I were you I would provide more detail on why fashion? What appeals to you? You say "All I knew is that it had to involve fashion."" But you never really explained what about fashion appeals to you. Then you say "I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goal and that is why I believe I should be admitted to the program." but you don't really say what you're goal is until later in the essay. So I would explain what your goal is before saying this sentence.

I didn't know exactly what field could provide me with what I was looking for. All I knew is that it had to involve fashion.

I hope this helps! Also if you wouldn't mind providing feedback on the following essay that would be great! Thanks!

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bri ng-person-special-place-18233/

greengrl247

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / How to improve essay on aditional information for Indian School of Business? [5]

Hello! The following are some suggestions for revisions that you are free to use or not use. Also aside from my revisions, I think it might be a good idea if you read your essay out loud to yourself because I feel like your essay is missing flow between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.

a. I strongly believe, a person's values define his deeds and consequently shape his whole personality.
b. I also ~~got~~ registered to 'Greenpeace India' ~~that~~which~~helped me be up-to-date~~kept me updated with the latest on environment ~~around us.~~
c. Finally in Dec 2009, I broke the shackles of my ever demanding professional and personal commitments and joined newly found 'TCS Maitree - Ecology Club' as a volunteer.

d. In addition ~~to this~~ , we ~~also~~ took regular sessions
- the "also" and "in addition" are redundant, just pick one or the other

I hope that helps!

-Trisha

PS: Also I would love to recieve some critique on the following supplement if you have some time.

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bri ng-person-special-place-18233/

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Balancing Act" [7]

I would have to agree in the sense that I like the ending as it is. I also like how you used dialog for your thought processes because it makes it more interesting. The only thing is that in the 2nd paragraph I would not use pride so much because you emphasize the word "pride" in the last paragraph. So by limiting the usage of pride in the 2nd paragraph your final paragraph will be much more powerful

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / CommonAPP short answer - I won the medal in Super Quiz Relay [4]

I love your hook in the beginning of this response! Just to be a little more succinct though in the 2nd paragraph where you say, My friends ask me why I am in Academic Decathlon. Why would I voluntarily take on more work? Why would I dedicate an entire Saturday to tests? You could instead say " My friends asked me " Why would you voluntarily take on my work? Why would you dedicate your weekends to tests?" or something like that. It is just a suggestion though.

I hope that helps!
-Trisha
PS: Also if you have any time I would appreciate any feedback for my NYU Supplement response :

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/nyu-supplement-bring-person-s pecial-place-18233/

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Bring any person to a special place [7]

Hello! I am having a really difficult time writing this third NYU Supplement response. Even though I have something I would love to hear all critique because I am applying to NYU Stern ED. Thanks so much for all your help!

3.If you had the opportunity to bring any person - past or present, fictional or nonfictional - to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person. (500 characters)

Tory Burch, a local inspiration for me, is who I would like to spend a day with at Epcot. She is an avid traveler who incorporates her global experiences in her designs. As we visit each country within the park she can tell me stories of her adaptation in each country and how her experiences influenced her collections. Gaining a broad perspective of various cultures is crucial to branch out into different industries. By experiencing the world in one place with Burch will allow me to link her stories and my experiences in the future to become a leader in this globalized world.

or if this one seems like it is not going anywhere I am also thinking I might write about Greg Mortenson in the following:

Greg Mortenson, a philanthropist promoting peace in the Middle East with education has inspired me with his broad perspective of cultures. I would bring Mortenson to the Hindu Jain Temple where I could share my culture with him. While we take part in the traditions there such as prayers, singing, and eating, I would also like to hear about his experiences in the Middle East and how he is continuing to improve the education system for girls.

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

I feel like you could use less imagery and give more content of how exactly classical music is something you listen to for the pleasure of it. Does it make you feel better when you are upset? Does it relax you? Does it excite you? and how? Like I would give more specifics on how it meshes with your life.

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Essay on an intellectual pursuit exemplified in a craft! [8]

I love the way you articulate yourself especially in the 2nd to last sentence of your 2nd paragraph. However, behind all the imagery of your response I feel like there is not much substance concerning specifics. I think you should provide more specifics from your life instead of being so vague. Likee int the following you say : For years, I have adamantly pursued and wholeheartedly devoted myself to the enriching world of writing, as I continuously pour all of my efforts into this artful craft. However, you do not give an example of how you have pursued and devoted yourself to writing. If you just give more specifics underneath all that rhetoric you will have a great essay!

greengrl247

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Help with UVA supplement: "Our Road" [4]

I am not an expert or anything, but I think that if you maybe pick a character from the novel and try to relate the character with yourself that might be a more effective approach. Or if you atleast offer more specifics that would be good because I feel like this response is a little too vague.

I hope that helps a little bit!