Undergraduate / "My dad's health struggles" + "Mathletes" - Common App Essays and Short Response [5]

Jorge, its not enough to say I haven't figured out what I want to do? Honestly then college would like prefer some one over you who is more sorted out and ready. Please figure out IMMEDIATELY.

This is the most important decision of your life.
Your essay also is not your admission essay. It looks like its your father's essay which shows his struggle and his achievement. Last para, you come in with your punch about "you". This should be squeezed in one para of your whole personal essay/statement.

Consider a kid with mention of journals, camps, research, wit and so on...
and your essay.
This is an admission essay where you must assume that person you are competing is better than you.
Right, enough of criticism... I would like a witty opening like something that reflects your reflects your personality. I wrote few months back in my essay on how I am a geek and every college needs all sort to have a complete diverse community. I wrote it to bring a smile on essay reviewer face and make him more attentive towards my essay. HAVE AN INTRO THAT REFLECTS YOU.

Need to talk about your major and don't fake it. They'll catch you. You must write why you want to do that particular major and also why from this particular university. I read a guy's essay and was highly impressed how he said that I have been researching on this Project in Bio and how this particular univ. specializes in this field.... you know he linked the college to himself. You need to something like that to.

Talk about some of your passions apart from education. Here's where the father, struggle and all determination para can come in. Link all these factors and conclude the whole essay in an informal and positive manner that they must want to meet you.

Hope this helps....

Undergraduate / 'So, tell me about this company you want to start,' - achievement/experience/risk [5]

Brenda---One important thing...please put up the exact topic before your essay. Don't just write experience. Just put the complete thing.
Assuming its not a personal statement they have asked because then this would be debacle of an essay.
Experience... its a really good one. First of all, your ending is innovative but not what I would have written. It differs from person to person but think about my version of adding what your company is doing and how far has it gone. Its your greatest asset that you are hiding. Think about you... your company.... doing great.... shows your hardworking and committed. Then you can round it up by saying any more details you will have to meet... so on. Just for the smart line we can't miss out on your glowing factors... your personality.

But ending line brings a smile. :)


Before this, I am not feeling your excitement. Your idea to introduce this person late and everything ummm.... by the time I reach the climax or the punch of your essay I am uncertain about the essay. A little expansion in the feelings and anticipation would add more soul to this essay.

First Para- Your ending was much better and innovative. So....try polishing it up.
Second Para-


I can't deny that I would feel the same but I would structure the whole para once again. I want to know
1) How did this day come about?
2) What was your assumption(something witty can be added here like you know how in life we anticipate few things and they turn out totally different.) about this guy, this interview, the atmosphere...its interest's the reader.

3)Finally a little about the interview...
I think if there is no word limit then don't worry....let the writting flow even if its 10000 words because editting is easy....trust me.

Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplements-good match?, equity and community [2]

Tobi.... your essay 1 has lots of problems to begin within.


Your starting is like a text book question answer and not at all a college essay response. Your sentence that is your introduction should be catchy... a little informal(maybe)...something that gives an essay a lift. Your introduction is a put off.


The college is not wanting a pat on the back from you. Its sheer waste of space. See, its YOU who is writing this response and everything should portray your character. They must see that you are a person that they would like on the campus because he is different.


Who doesn't look?


How do you know this? Do other colleges not have this?
See, each line has these really sentences that tells me nothing. In simple example, today I can erase Tobi and write any name... the essay would remain the same. Get it! It lacks your flavor.

1) You could write about the major your taking and write about a research the college is doing in the particular field and say you are interested in it. That shows you took pains to research what the college has been doing and shows more passion for college then praises for its size or things that really are buttering. This research thing is only point of all you can write about yourself. But that no one can help as you know yourself the best and also....that's what's unique about you. ;)

Tell the essay more about you.
SECOND ESSAY....
This year whenever I read such an essay I found people slipping in one mistake, we can say that they should not do. DO NOT generalize your essay. Be specific. Am example, when your writing on say....animals....then don't write that we should be kind or we should stop cruelty...be specific. Talk either about Animal testing, Vegetarianism....one point. Shows you as a mature person and not a school boy. So, I would suggest you to rework the whole of second prompt.

I think that these are really good essay but for school stuff... not college.
Rework them and post them up...so we can work on it more. Cheers.
Hope this helps.... :)

Undergraduate / "Self-Discovery; the bucolic town of Jijiga"-Essay Prompt [3]

Anania.... this is not a good essay. It is creativity gone totally wrong. This essay speaks about your grandmother... the tree but there is no Anania in this. Frankly, the concept of you being linked to the the tree is well, i'll say useless because this is an admission essay and you should not forget that you are in competition with others.

FIRST PARA AND SECOND PARA: Not a word about you.

THIRD:


Really? Are you sure you want to say that to admission committee....


You come across as a stubborn character FROM YOUR WRITING. Understand, that I don't know you and I can form a sketch of your character from this essay only...get it! Your writing portrays you....

FOURTH---


WHAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING ALL THIS?????? This tells me nothing about expect of the fact that you are thinking that admission committee wants to hear how pious I am...please do not think want they want to hear.... they want to see well rounded characters... people with a little good humor, hard work, mature to know why they are taking whatever major, a little goofy....they don't want people who put labels as GOOD BAD... there is 99.9% grey in life....


The college does not want a pat on the back from you....
my friends .... if fear of rejection is so much then they can never move forward in life. Continuous failures makes success faster...
See, I wanted to be harsh as possible to make you realize the possibility of someone like me can sit in the admission committee. I have just got in at University of Colorado boulder and been through the process of admission and essay...ITS TOUGH!!! Read a lot of essays and get an idea of styles of writing....

Post up a new draft and we can work on that as soon as possible.... :)
Hoping this helps....

Undergraduate / "the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall [4]

Malika...
Three things...

1) This is so formal.... like a newspaper writing about a college not a student. Example:-



....(.I would say the worst sentence of this essay.) Every GOOD college in America has unique diversity of its own and this is a very poor sentence.... for facts you can check on the college board for top 100 college diversity ....

2)Don't start the essay with cousins ...just put it in between as a side line cause the essay needs to focus on you and your research. You have not said anything about your major and any research that they are doing in that field that you would like to be a part of it. Talk like a mature person.... who is very sorted in life not a person who just wants to go to a college because his cousins said and it has good diversity. THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN.

3) Conclusion.... :) I can just imagine the problem but you know.... it has to have a signature of your personality....ummmm.... Suggestion....read about 40 essays (which is what I did when I got in UC Boulder) to get a inspiration because conclusion can only come from you. I also, know you are going to feel really irritated reading this... like a granddad talk but that plain truth. Think about it. Your intro (like I said earlier ) and your ending is YOUR punch not essay forum's.

So, be patient and work on a new draft...
Hope this helps...