Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]

Cat-Claw Memory Digging..haha. Yes, I see what you mean.
So I discussed the "idealistic realism" dilemma with my philosophy teacher and he said I shouldn't even worry about citing it. He had never even heard of the term and he has a doctorate! He has likewise experienced the same issue and he told me that tracking down an idea to its original origin is nearly impossible. He said that as long as I just explained what the term meant and how I interpreted it, I shouldn't worry about citation. As long as I don't call it my idea I should be fine. And seeing as if he hasn't heard of it, its a good bet that the admission people won't have either. I still don't know though...maybe I should cite it just so I can stop worrying about it. You could give an anecdote or a story of an experience you had with your family that influenced you, and then go on to describe what you learned. Maybe you could begin with a chaotic scene that may be common in your household, but then go on to explain how it's positive or something. I'm not entirely sure. I only have one brother. Good luck though! :)

Undergraduate / Metamorphosis, I am a human - an Undergraduate Admissions for Texas State [4]

You're welcome! :) It was a touching read and fun critique. It's nice to critique for someone who understands writing rules and "listens" (as opposed to just "hearing") to my comments.

Please re-post it when it is revised.
I'll be likewise rooting. :D

Undergraduate / Metamorphosis, I am a human - an Undergraduate Admissions for Texas State [4]

Around 96 lines is what you've got here at standard MLA format on Micro Word. Did it say 120 lines, 80 characters each? So I'm pretty sure you are within the limit, but I would try to condense as much as can be condensed so it is efficient, and to make the admission people happier. For starters, in the intro you use the same phrases repeatedly when you could cut them out. Like "the way I."

intro
-designed "for"...rather than "to"
-"Or, was I just another systematic assortment of genetic information gifted by time and chance the opportunity to define existence as I saw fit - a creator, not a creation."

Although the sentence as a whole is correct, the middle is awkward.
-Cut the word "seemed." It is passive, weak.
-Like the intro. Show's maturity. The message does indeed relate to my essay's message.
So we are equally bias :)
-use a better word than "easy"
2nd
""It"; the It, the nucleus of joy, the essence of life, that infinitesimally small piece of the heart that so many people seemed to be searching for."

again, you can condense even this. Information overload.
"I came to the conclusion"-change to "I concluded" There are tons of other places in this essay where you can apply this same technique.

I don't think you have to capitalize "truth" and "search"
So from this paragraph, you studied the Occult and you "eliminated" it as false (though you did find some truths). Correct? This paragraph was a bit tricky to sort out.

3rd
Don't use the word "very"
4th
you use the word hollow twice in the first sentence
5th
"I could not see the tree, astounded by the tree,"
Separate this. This sentence needs to be two sentences. Also at the end of this sentence, "I would be" needs to be "I was," keeping the same tense.

"Please believe me when I say it would take another essay just to talk about them. "
Don't think this sentence is necessary.
Overall I love what you tell in this paragraph.
Conclusion
"Just who is the Creator? I bet you would like to know, but this is a journey everyone must make on their own. " Brilliant

Beautiful conclusion

"explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."
You need a thesis at the end of the intro that answers this prompt and summarizes the message you are trying to communicate in your essay. It gives focus and direction.

Overall: The writer-reader personal connection in this essay is great. A lot of it feels like you were just quickly writing down the thoughts that came into your head, leaving the whole thing quite congested and not very focused or organized (within each paragraph). Typical of a rough draft though. I think a lot of it could be condensed to make it more concise.

Great story, I'm comparing it and contrasting it to my own experience...
The best of luck and God bless :)

Undergraduate / On Religious Faith and Conviction: UT Transfer Essay of Importance [4]

Thank you both. Very helpful comments :)

EF Kevin.

Socrates had incredible religious faith that played a major role in his death as I understand from Plato's accounts of his words and ideas.

From Apology , (his court defense)
"Gentlemen of the jury, I am grateful and I am your friend, but I will obey the god rather than you, and as long as I draw breath and am able, I shall not cease to practice philosophy..."

"I leave it to you and the god to judge me in the way that will be best for me and for you"

From Phaedo
"Then perhaps this is not unreasonable, that one must not kill oneself, until the god sends upon one some necessity, just as even now it has come upon me."

-Socrates was convincing his friend Cebes that he was not suicidal, but following the will of the gods; e.i. the court decision
Yes, Socrates accepted death based on morals. But those morals were tied to his religious beliefs.

As for the second paragraph, I wasn't using the historical figure reference as a proof for the existence of God. I was using it to illustrate how individuals come to hold a belief in something they have never seen before with their own eyes. Try to imagine that Abraham Lincoln was false based only on the fact that you have never personally seen his being. You believe him to be true though because you have seen pictures and read/heard of primary and secondary documents discussing his existence. Same with God, I have never seen his being, yet I believe that he exists based upon primary and secondary documents among other evidences. There aren't photographs/portraits of God, but that doesn't matter in the basic point I am presenting. Does it make better sense now? I know this paragraph needs a lot of work. :)

"I think you should change the first paragraph so that it is about this concept of not being so different from a child of parents of a different religion or no religion. "

I would consider it if you proved me wrong on the Socrates idea. I do have a theme that I have yet to work into the intro and conclusion that should focus the essay.

ServantofElohim,
I will be happy to look over your essay. Yeah, but everyone is bias in their own way. The fact that it effected you on some emotional level encourages me. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll pray for you too. :)

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]

I think a "risk disclaimer" is in order.
Using a concept or phrase as a theme for your essay is a great idea.
However, you must be careful when coming up with a "new" term or concept. Because it is extremely likely that what you think to be novel is quite the opposite. Someone else has probably come up with it before you.

First of all,
"The Dream Fulfiller" is not a novel concept that the student "made". It is an extremely common concept embodying the missions of organizations such as Make-A-Wish Foundation among countless others. The phrase, is new, in a very strict sense, but not the concept.

Secondly, carelessness could easily get you into hot water.
For example,
When trying out this concept in my own essay, I used the term, "idealistic realism." I had thought it up in the past and thought I was quite special for doing so. After incorporating it into my essay, however, a quick Google search revealed it to be both a term and concept discussed in metaphysics. Reference: Search "idealistic realism" on Google and see the first website displayed.

So, away went the quotation marks and capitalization signifying it as my own idea. Yes, I did think up of the idea myself (having the acquired knowledge of realism and idealism and combining the two ideas). However, someone else not only beat me to it, but made it a published, copyrighted idea. So it will have to be properly cited.

Coming up with a phrase or concept and quickly calling it your own without checking its status as "new" may very well leave the admission officer thinking of you as an unoriginal plagiarist. Unless they do not recognize that you have plagiarized someone's idea, then you just got lucky. And remember, plagiarism is still plagiarism even if it is unintentional.

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Writing is like clay that you manipulate, mush up, and then manipulate again...and again and again and again until you get it right.
I think I might finally be happy with this essay.

The title is "Twist, Turn and Triumph"
I reworked my intro and conclusion paragraphs, using the "new term/theme" suggestion. (essayforum.com/student-talk-20/strategy-impressing-admissions-readers-make-up-new-term-16309/)

Intro:
"Idealistic realism" describes my attitude in life. Realistically acknowledging my limitations while adding space for error in judgment, I idealistically unlock gates guarded by feigning hounds. Thus, my contradiction morphs into a paradox. Carrying the key of optimism, I escape my comfort zone to seek personal challenges and change. I succeed and fail in capturing my goals. Yet I always triumph with insight.

Conclusion:
A half solved Rubik's Cube sits on my bedroom dresser. As a realist, I accept the clumsy process of wrapping my literary mind around its strategy. As an idealist, with plenty of twisting, turning, and most likely help along the way; I hope to solve the problems presented by my future's cube. Solving them teaches me about myself and helps me give something useful back to the world. As an idealistic realist, I anticipate playing my next series of moves at the University of Texas.

Fooey, quick google search revealed that someone made this concept before me. Predictably so... Just proves that nothing is "new", it's all acquired knowledge. Ah well, it still counts as a theme.

Undergraduate / "I had a tendency to stereotype Americans" Common App Essay 1 [6]

It's funny because I cannot wait to escape Missouri. I've lived here my whole life and am very much ready to fly anywhere else. :)

I enjoyed reading this, it is an interesting subject. You tie your personal experience and your job aspirations nicely together. Good transitions.
You do need a title. But I'll leave the rightful and sacred task of creating the perfect one up to your expertise.
1. Your intro paragraph needs a thesis statement at the end that directly answers the prompt in one sentence, and summarizes the overall message of your essay. You do that well in your conclusion paragraph, but boil the spirit of your conclusion paragraph down into one sentence at the end of your intro and you'll have it.

2. "my perception of Americans gradually changed...
my perception of Americans finally changed...
I could not believe how wrong I was...
and I realized how wrong I was..."
See the redundancy of both the structure, word choice, and the idea itself?
3. "My friends' relatives turned out to be the most pleasant, polite, and fun individuals I have ever met." This statement "tells" rather than "shows". Change it into another example like the ones you wrote after this statement, while still introducing who you are writing about.

4. Eliminate as many to-be verbs as possible. They are weak and unnecessarily lengthen your essay. Reference- essayforum.com/grammar-usage-13/importance-choosing-strong-verbs-6143/ - The Importance of Choosing Strong Verbs.

5. "I have become interculturally competent." This is a bland and uninspiring concluding sentence.

I'm glad to see you appreciate Missouri more than I do. It is beautiful in the Autumn; I'll give it that. The best of luck in your future! :)

Undergraduate / 1) Bagels and Smiles 2)My Slice of Pie --- Common App or UC Essay [5]

Wow... Before I critique I must say that I wish I could write personal literature with the skill you write with. Both essays were cute, honest, heartfelt, and best of all made me either smile or laugh (here's a virtual gold star). I felt like you were talking to me. After I finished the second one I thought "Well foowey, why didn't IIII ever volunteer at a soup kitchen during high school??" Your friendly writing style reflects your career choice. Being a physician should fit you quite well based upon the impression your essays gave me.

You should write a memoir someday when you have the time..and publish it! :)

The first essay would work for the UC prompt or the common App option #1.
The second essay would also work for either of the above prompts. If it only discussed one person, it would work exceptionally well for the common App prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

So either one would work for the prompts you mention because (UC and option #1), as you said, they are so flexible.
Whichever essay you end up choosing for the UC prompt though, you need to also answer the question "What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud?" I didn't see this question answered in either essay.

Essay 1:
Big picture stuff:
1. Great job taking a cliche metaphor and making it unique with your personal touch. The ideas all relate to each other nicely.
2. "The Leos were the first to bring me in and offer me a haven from the hectic high school world. / I have never stopped looking up to my Leo mentors even after their departure to college."

Start a conclusion paragraph with the second sentence. Then you won't have the huge, daunting paragraph (the para. densities will be balanced), and you will have an official conclusion para. as you had an official intro para.

3. "Though my freshman self had fallen victim to this role, I have been lucky enough to find redemption through Leo Club."
Tenses!! Tense changes such as this one must be avoided. You continually and unnecessarily change tenses in this essay. If it is past tense, keep it in the past tense. This applies to all tenses. You do a fine job with tenses in the 1st paragraph of the second essay, but everywhere else you change it so much that it disrupts and confuses the reader.

4. To-be verbs- work on eliminating them. For example, the sentence above could be changed to this: Though my freshman self fell victim to this role, I found redemption through Leo Club. This sentence is more concise and avoids the clutter and blandness of dead to-be verbs. You notice I also corrected the tense problem.

Para 1:
1. "it encompasses the essence of all that the world has to offer, at least as far as I have witnessed."
This is a conflicting statement because you say the piece of pie represents all the world has to offer AND the little it has offered you. Then later you say that the whole pie represents all that the world has to offer. Also I would replace "far" and "witnessed" with your metaphor's terms, such as "much" and "tasted/eaten." Otherwise the metaphor is disrupted.

2. "I intend to devour the whole thing, then lick the pan" ha, love it. I normally would pick on the word "thing" but it gives the sentence a lot of character and fits the essay's casual tone.

3. "I must emphasize the word "believe." After all, I have only seen one slice of the pie."
I sort of get what you are trying to say but it's pretty fuzzy. "Must" also implies that you have already used the word "believe", or that you will be using the word believe again later (to "emphasize" it).

4. "known as, the grade suckers."- I think "the grade suckers" needs quotation marks, but double check on that.

Essay 2:
In the big picture, you need a separate, short intro para. that reflects the all around theme presented in your essay, like the one you describe at the conclusion of the essay. One that has a thesis which specifically answers the prompt and reflects the body. In the 2nd para. you need to take some amount of the last half and separate it into your concluding para. Your 1st essay has the type of intro and focus that this essay needs.

1st para:
1. "good"- Replace this blasphemous taboo word with a gooder adjective. :)
2. "a ear" should be "an ear"
3. "At a local church" should be "in a..." or "Volunteering in an..." It'll flow better with the rest of the sentence.

4. "strange accent"- Strange in what way? It would be great if you could use one or a couple carefully chosen adjectives to describe the sound of the accent.

5. "bagel." or VIVIAN to pour him"
This sentence needs a transition between the dialogue structure and the...non dialogue structure. Introduce the second part of the sentence by saying "or he wanted VIVIAN to..." It's either that or continue the dialogue structure.

6. "in almost a sickly, sweet tone." Delete "almost."
2nd para:
1. "I missed two months of service when medical appointments and summer affairs conflicted with the church's schedule." - Delete this, it's unnecessary.

2. "In my senior year"- Replace "in" with "during."

Overall your writing in its content and tone is incredibly engaging, vivid, touching and creative. You just need to work on structural and grammatical issues. You have a lot of to-be verbs and other dull verbs that should be deleted or improved. And fix the tense changes.

Sorry if any of my critique is disorganized or confusing. Just let me know.
I enjoyed reading and critiquing this, so thanks! The best of luck in your future. :)

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

[After] my senior year I accomplished... that sounds funny but I'll work with it.
I feel much better about this draft than the original because it is focused, flows, and is much more efficient.
After I posted this draft I went adverbicidal. My sentences live in a better world now.
For example, this sentence: one of my favorites:
"In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring languidly out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor."

changed to:
"In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor at nothing."

I think my essay is quite close to where it should be now. :D Thank you all so much for your help! This is a great resource, one that I initially underestimated. :D

Grammar, Usage / Adverbs are the worst - too many adverbs spoil the soup [9]

Yes, everything is arguable. I agree with them that adverbs are positively, undeniably valid. Things that are lawful though aren't always good for you, (paraphrasing a biblical idea).

"Adverbs and adjectives are like empty calories." Are they really so "empty?"

Grammar, Usage / Adverbs are the worst - too many adverbs spoil the soup [9]

Ahhh...This is new to me but I better understand all this adverb hating now. Thanks :)

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Amp. volume higher than output volume for accommodation...
The sentence structure and meanings' "volume" should be higher than the vocabulary's "volume" to accommodate the vocabulary's high "volume". Kinda sorta works.

Wow, I don't see why adverbs are so terrible that they should be hated. Parts of speech have feelings too.
Thank you Partooz, I've condensed what I could see that needed condensing.

Here is my currently revised draft:

I am the stereotypical "small town girl" dreaming of moving to a "big city." Personal challenges and change carry me outside of my comfort zone and into a more desirable place of benefit. Whether I succeed in a challenge, such as connecting with the horse I ride, or fail, such as transforming my nonathletic self into a pole vaulter, I always win insight. In all of my goals I resolve to improve myself in practical knowledge and virtue.

My senior year I accomplished the goal of traveling to Germany, immersing myself in a culture similar to my own in most social aspects, yet linguistically strange. I greeted the communication difficulties not with frustration, but with fascination and a determination to improve. The first pangs of homesickness hit me when I departed the Neppach family, who captured my heart in four days, for Munich. Possessing little familiarity with cities, I walked down its cobblestone streets in wide-eyed wonder tinged by a timidity that tourist delights quickly dissipated. Before catching a train destined for my second home stay, I utilized the privilege of free will to explore Munich for a day while my American comrades returned to the United States. I still cherish the self-assurance that surged through me that day. The University of Texas and Austin hold the same imposing mystique that Munich held for a girl firmly established in her inconspicuous home town.

When fondly reminiscing of the roots of influence that led to my decision to major in theatre with a focus on theatre technology, I dwell on Masterpiece Theatre. What drew me as a child to the television screen was not the drama or the romance, but the magnificent costumes. Watching fictional eighteenth-century aristocratic women cinched into richly colored silk gowns float across ballroom floors, I wistfully sighed. In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring languidly out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor. I saw myself creating that part of her character.

The first formal gown I sewed involved less than a week of sleep deprived fervor. Forced to abandon plans for an overly ambitious project, the last resort planning of "Ada" produced stunning results. I arrived at the senior prom fashionably late and delighted with my work. My attention to detail, adherence to deadlines, and appreciation for color, cloth, and construction alone qualify me as a natural candidate for my chosen major. I anticipate studying the coexisting aspects of costume, stage, and lighting construction and design. Besides my wish for a vigorous education, I hope to add to this school and department the enthusiasm developed by years of interest.

A half solved Rubik's Cube sits on my bedroom dresser. Wrapping my literary mind around its strategy is difficult, but not impossible. With plenty of twisting, turning, and most likely help along the way; I hope to solve the problems presented by my future's cube. Solving them teaches me about myself and helps me give something useful back to the world. I anticipate playing my next series of moves at the University of Texas.

Undergraduate / "Biotechnology is certainly a growing field in this modern age" - Cornell [3]

Good job answering the question with specific examples in the body. :)

"Biotechnology is certainly a growing field in this modern age."
As an intro sentence and thesis statement, this is vague and doesn't answer the prompt. It should be a specific, encompassing answer that reflects the body.

"the most impossible surgeries"
They may have been "most impossible" in the past, but not currently. Make that clearer. Otherwise you are stating that impossible surgeries are possible.

"or even thirty years"
This is outside of the 20 year limitation in the prompt.

"it is easily confirmed"
This gives your statement no authoritative basis. Either specify who or what is doing the confirming or specify that this is your personal assumption.

"we"
"We" implies that you are part of the field, which I assume you are not yet part of it. Replace it with who "they" are, the scientists.

"community"
The global community, right? Same with "society" in the last sentence.

"like"
Replace this with "such as."
"Like should not be used as a synonym for such as, which directly points to examples from a topic being discussed. Like should be used instead to refer to a certain general type of person, place, thing, idea, or event. To put it another way, think of like as meaning "similar to" and such as as meaning "including these examples." " - agency.nd.edu/resources-and-downloads/style-guide-introduction/ (see halfway down the page)

"For example," "In addition," "Whatever the case,"
Each one of these followed by the rest of your sentence creates a sentence structure which is overused in this short essay.

"Whatever the case,"
Eliminate this, it is not necessary.

Get rid of the "to be" verbs such as "is" and "are." Replace them with stronger verbs and your writing will benefit. For example, instead of "Being able to...," you could write "The ability to..."

Jennifer :)

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

No, it does not discourage me. It makes your point more understandable. I do not see how stronger vocabulary makes a bad impression even in conveying ideas of even medium complexity. It adds to the impression that you have strong literary skills, which I understand is very important in the collegiate and working worlds, and adds interest.

I read a lot of Charles Dickens, who possessed an incredible vocabulary. Of course his sentence structure was also incredible. And many of those words have fallen out of modern use. Nonetheless, I don't think society's writing should lose that kind of rich vocabulary

I do agree though that the thesis's idea is weak.

level of complexity of sentence idea and/or structure = level of complexity of vocab.
I don't think it should be as cut and dry as this because it doesn't take into account the connotations and moods created by words.

For example:
"My confidence in this assertion grew with alacrity recently as I mulled over past events in my life."
Yes, a simple idea. But the vocabulary carries connotations that show my personality and my individual experience with that idea. alacrity-specifies speed, it was a sudden development; Mulled-I like to contemplate.

I am deleting this sentence though because it is an unnecessary idea.

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Alright, I understand what you are suggesting better. Thank you very much and I will seriously consider your advice and try my best to make it work. It would make more sense to have a short, general introductory paragraph (reflecting the style of the conclusion paragraph) and then get to the specifics in the following paragraphs.

"an underlying principle that is at work in theatre, sewing, and exploration." I'll find one by golly...
"I still think you have the habit of trying to make up for not having much CONTENT by having flowery words. "
Ouch...yeah I think I do have that problem but haven't realized it. I would much prefer flowery words AND content.

It's hard to see/accept the problems in an essay you really love; one your English professor with a doctorate degree gushed over. And when you have a lot of pride in your writing skills. It would be foolish to turn down reasonable advice and end up with a weaker essay because of pride. This is the most important essay I have ever written and I want to it be near perfection. So thank you indeed for your more stinging reinterpretation of your original critique. :)

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

EF Kevin, Thank you!
"--- this sentence does not convey enough meaning to justify all the complexity and multi-syllabic words.
Agreed.
"Don't have the first para be about the trip to Germany; tell about it in para #2. Use paragraph #1 to introduce the theme that unites determination, the trip to germany, the focus on theatre, and the project. All these ideas are united in ONE theme, and it is your essay's theme."

I agree that it needs more focus in the intro. What if I could introduce the theme with just the thesis sentence? If I use the entire intro paragraph just to summarize my theme, I will have to cut out another paragraph to keep the page limit. I feel that my intro paragraph as a whole really draws the reader in and immediately shows my personality.

It is hard to boil it down to one theme. I would say it is all united by "my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences" How about this as my thesis?

With my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences as well as my passion for sewing, the University of Texas and its Theatre program represent the novel territory for which my soul now yearns.

What do you think about the "theme in the thesis" compromise?

Undergraduate / How to transition (to become a nurse) - UT Transfer Essay Statement of Purpose [6]

First sentence has too much info for my mind to easily process:
I twisted uncomfortably in my chair as the sound (of) vomiting subsided. I had brought my friend a candy bar, but he could not keep it down.

I must take issue with this criticism. The first sentence is both concise and understandable. Efficiency in these essays is the key, and the combination of details in this particular sentence is quite efficient. The admission board should have no problem understanding this sentence. Chopping it into more accessible bits will be backwards progress.

Please refer to the following article concerning the modern problem that has no doubt caused this criticism:
theonion.com/articles/nation-shudders-at-large-block-of-uninterrupted-te,16932/

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Thank you! :)
It's still in the process toward perfection; my thesis needs to better reflect the body and some of the words could be spiced up a bit. I actually enjoyed writing it and think it captures my personality and what I want to tell the admission board pretty well.

Undergraduate / Living With MCS: Personal Essay (issue of importance) at UT Austin [9]

Three more things:
1st paragraph:
"put-off" and "short end of the stick" are slang/colloquial terms/sayings and should be avoided. "Offended" and "short shrift" are better replacements.

3rd paragraph:
"VOC's"-This is shortened jargon and needs to be named in its entirety and followed by "(VOC's)", the first time you use it in a paper.

Undergraduate / Living With MCS: Personal Essay (issue of importance) at UT Austin [9]

Well written! Structure and transitions are super! Catchy introduction and never a dull moment! Interesting topic as well.
Alrighty, here's my nit picky say in the matter.
1st paragraph:
"relative would then instinctively" to "I continue my" -The tense changed from past to present tense.
"That is the reality"-It feels like "This" would be a better sounding choice, but either one is right.
"This unofficial disease is isolating to its victims"-Too wordy and somewhat confuses the meaning. "This unofficial disease isolates its victims" is more concise and understandable.

2nd paragraph:
"started with having to change"-Too wordy. Change it to sound more concise.
"a rarity, guests"-Change the comma to a semi-colon, since both halves of the sentence can stand alone as separate sentences are are not connected by a coordinating conjunction (and, or, etc.).

"soap was made "-The word "made" could be changed to spice things up.
"During my school years... . Despite our efforts, my mother's health continues to decline."-I don't know what was meant to fill between the fragment and the sentence, but the tense changed from past to present, which is fine, if you show the change by adding in "today", "now," etc.

3rd paragraph:
"Symptoms are legion but a short list"-A comma is needed before "but."
"idiopathic many"-A comma is needed between these two words.
""chemophobe" and when proponents"-A comma is needed before .and."
"'industrialist eco-killers' the"-A comma is needed before "the".
4th paragraph:
"convince"-The only definition of this word I know is the verb form. I don't know that it can be an adjective.

"own, society"-Again, the comma should be a semicolon.
"divisive and insolating way of life"-I know the doctor's handling of the disease is "divisive," but can the "way of life" be described as "divisive" also? "Insolating" should be changed to "insulating."

Double check my grammar rules. I believe they are right, but I am not an expert.
My only other suggestion involves getting rid of as many "to be" verbs as possible. It is kinda tricky sometimes, but definitely worth it! (wsu.edu/~delahoyd/writing/to_be.html)

Good luck! :)
Jennifer

Undergraduate / How to transition (to become a nurse) - UT Transfer Essay Statement of Purpose [6]

"I am looking for a eloquent way to transfer into the part of the essay where I tell more about what I have done to become a nurse."

First of all, to clarify your question, I believe you are asking how to transfer into material you have not yet written. Correct? And that material involves experiences that qualify you for your major or have inspired you to choose your major? You are not yet a nurse, so that is what you must mean.

Start by choosing experiences you have had that took place within the last three years after the one discussed in your introduction, write about one or several, and then connect the two segments by, for example, referring back to the nurse that inspired you in the first place, and how you have changed to better reflect the qualities you admired in her.

I like the narrative style and the sentimental emotions it invokes. Try your best to eliminate as many "to be" verbs as possible. It strengthens your essay and makes your language more poignant.