Undergraduate /
"The Meaning of Love" personal statement [4]
I'm going to try to give you as thorough a critique as I can, but just remember, this is YOUR essay and if you like how it reads and don't want to change a part I suggest changing, then don't
All I have to say is that without my family, and especially my mother and father, I am nothing more than a lifeless body wandering the earth like a nomad.
While I like the opening because it goes straight to answering the prompt, I feel that something a little less bold and more introductory would really help the reader get into your essay. Like, the opening feels abrupt, where a reader would read the first line, get the answer, and not read the rest.
As he immigrated to this prosperous country from Lebanon, he had essentially nothing except a small suitcase.
I would suggest rephrasing this sentence, it reads awkwardly.
What was deemed an almost impossible task was a success He was able to overcome the obstacles and raise a prosperous family.
Combining these two sentences (which I assume were meant to be two as shown by the capiltalizing of the H in "He") would help make the idea expressed easier to understand.
Optimism had to be a key component for her if she had to adapt.
Perhaps, "Optimism was a key component in her adapting to her new life."
I believe the ultimate accomplishment they had on me is that they have taught me to find truth myself, with some guidance off course.
It doesn't make sense to think they had an "accomplishment" on you, rather, "effect."
In answer to the question, I believe that both my caretakers have really influenced my dreams and aspirations.
Similar to my comment on your opening sentence, something less abrupt would be better.
I truly like what is is you're trying to say, but I believe it would read better after more refining. Nonetheless, you don't need to start over, with work this can be a very good essay :)
