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Posts by relly21
Joined: Oct 18, 2010
Last Post: Oct 30, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 13  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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relly21   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / UMD 300 word essays: personal style and what is your something [4]

Here are my UMD essays. They are still a little rough, and I have used my previous essays to write these for anyone who has seen my other posts. Please tell me what you think and give me suggestions! These really need to be completed today. Thank you! :)

2. "Seek the fashion which truly fits and befits you. You will always be in fashion if you are true to yourself, and only if you are true to yourself. You might, of course, rightly wear that style which is emblazoned on the fashion magazines of the day, or you might not." - Maya Angelou.
There are no boundaries to personal style, whether it is expressed through the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, or the books you read. What does your style say about you?

I remember my first sighting of adult-sized footie pajamas as though it occured mere hours ago. They were elevated in all their glory above the other pajamas on a shiny silver rack at Target. I could practically hear my inner three-year-old squeal with rapture. I hastened to don them the second I arrived at home. Nothing had ever fit me better - in the metaphorical sense, that is. The smallest size available was still moderately roomy.

The more I examined them, the fonder I grew. The childish zoo animals gazed at me, their smiling visages each emanating a different aura that I could easily relate to, for my persona is ever-changing. One day I am like the lion, tackling every task with perseverance and pride. The next I am like the monkey, curious of every minuscule detail and filled with exuberance.

After several laundry cycles, the heavenly fleece has developed tiny spheres of lint so numerous that picking them off would be unfeasible. Like fleece, we have imperfections that make us unique. Without my dry sarcastic humor or my aggravating toe-cracking, I would not be Arielle.

I zipped the zipper up and down, hearing the sound of fall jackets and jumping into piles of multicolored leaves, the sound of slipping into each dress for each dance that is sure to be the night of my life: sounds of freedom. Suddenly, it got caught on a thread. How off-putting. Why must I always encounter obstacles? I ripped the hindering thread, and my zipper glided freely once more.

And to think, so many spectacular attributes sewn into a single masterpiece! So what if my footies are a tad large? There is always room for growth.

"Why footie pajamas?" I am often inquired.

"That's my style," I respond.

4. According to Henry David Thoreau, "One is not born into the world to do everything, but to do something." What is your something?

You can call me Super Babysitter. It has been five years and twenty-three families, yet I refuse to retire. With my exceptional analytical powers, I am able to evaluate each child in order to determine which way to best handle them. I never fail to leave a positive first impression so that kids plead for me the next time their parents announce they will be absent for the night.

The creativity, imagination, and life skills that I have developed from babysitting are the most life-changing rewards one can ask for. From exploding science experiments to interesting dinner creations to Mad Lib bedtime stories, I've done it all. Each child has their own pedestal in my heart and has taught me something valuable. Katelyn coached me in the area of patience. She would bawl hysterically unless I scratched her back until I could hear the consistent breathing that indicated she had fallen into a slumber. Daniel taught me responsibility by showing me that even though the big kids seem more mature, they can be more mischievous than the little ones. I recall walking down the stairs after putting two-year-old David to bed to find the entire kitchen floor covered in aluminum foil, and Daniel hiding beneath the kitchen table, a goofy grin plastered to his face. After that incident, I trained to become successful at multi-tasking.

At the end of the night, the look of relief on a parent's face when I give reassurance that nothing was destroyed and their hyperactive children are sound asleep is exceedingly gratifying. The crinkling of crisp 20 dollar bills as they enter my wallet is just an added bonus. "Super Babysitter to the rescue!" I think every time I start the engine to the Super Babysitter-Mobile. It's what I was born to do.
relly21   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My goal is to establish an exquisite fashion line and donate" - Temple essay [14]

I have not even read your essay yet, but I think that it is entirely too long. Just looking at it makes me feel overwhelmed, and I put it into a word counter and it came out to be over 1500 words. College essays should really stay around 500 words and can go even a little higher, but not as high as 1500. I would suggest rewriting this so that it is concise and cuts out unnecessary detail, and then repost it so people (especially admissions officers) will actually want to read it.
relly21   
Oct 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Political Communication? Common App 200 words [8]

I think this essay is great!

I just think that your first two sentences are a little unnecessary. You can actually begin it with your third sentence and use the extra words to maybe elaborate on your love for politics or something.

Good luck! :)
relly21   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

Thanks! I took your advice and explained how back then I went into panic mode every time something interrupted my flow, and that is why is wasn't trivial to me. I will give your essay a look if I have a chance later, but right now I am kind of up to my head in homework and college stuff, as I'm sure you understand. :/
relly21   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super Babysitter"- Common App Short Answer [5]

I wanted to do that but I can't figure out what I should change in order for it to fit, since I have such a small word limit. Any suggestions?
relly21   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super Babysitter"- Common App Short Answer [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

You can call me Super Babysitter. Its been five years and 23 families, yet I refuse to retire. I couldn't have done it without my trusty sidekick, Mama Babysitter, who uses her Kindergarten teacher powers to scope out desperate victims in need of an escape from the whirlwind of stress their children have imposed on them. From exploding science experiments to interesting dinner creations to Mad Lib bedtime stories, I've done it all. Each child has had a powerful impact on me. There is nothing like the look of relief on a parent's face when I give my reassurance that everything went smoothly and their hyperactive children are sound asleep. The crinkling of fresh 20 dollar bills as they enter my wallet is just an added bonus. "Super Babysitter to the rescue!" I think every time I start up the engine to the Super Babysitter Mobile. It's just what I do.

What do you think?
relly21   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

Ok it looks like everyone thinks I should change it and I guess you are all right. I understand how this can be confusing, I guess I just don't see it because I am the one who wrote it. I'll fix it up.
relly21   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

I actually have already changed all the parts that you talked about, but it is still in present tense. I understand what you are saying about things sounding ridiculous and I am trying to work on that, but I can't seem to bring myself to change it, especially because I actually was partially writing this while it was happening. Obviously not the entire essay, but I did get the idea when my brother came into my room and started annoying me and I started typing this as he was being irritating. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could maybe fix it while keeping it in the present tense, or do you strongly feel that I should change it to past tense?

Also, I don't really understand why the admissions officer would be daunted by this? I don't really feel like it skips around too much, but I guess maybe it does for an outside reader?
relly21   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

I see that you want me to make the entire essay in past tense, but I think I am liking present tense better. It is just more of the feel I was going for, but I will still consider changing it. I am going to have some other people edit it too and see what they think I should do. You have been really helpful and I thank you :)

Anybody else that would like to make some suggestions??
relly21   
Oct 21, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

I finished my essay! It is definitely still entirely too long, even though there isn't really a word limit. Sorry Tan Vi, I didn't really take your advice about shortening it because I wasn't focusing on that, I just wanted to get the essay finished. I might try it out though. Any other suggestions on how to shorten it are also very very welcome. Oh and please please give me title suggestions! And lots and lots of criticism. Don't be afraid to be harsh. Thank you!

"I don't know what to write about!" is my quintessential complaint these days ...
relly21   
Oct 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "I enjoy reading for pleasure" -MIT short answer [6]

This is well written, but to make it more interesting I suggest making it more personal by giving a specific example of how a certain book has impacted you.
relly21   
Oct 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Scotch-Brite Life" - Common App Essay for Cornell [10]

I think this essay is fantastic! I wish I could write like you. You took a mundane household object and applied it to yourself in the most effortless manner, still managing to sound highly intelligent. It is this sort of uniqueness that colleges are looking for, and I think you have a great chance of being accepted into Cornell. What is it that you need help with?

I can't wait to read it when it is finished!
relly21   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

Thank you for the feedback, it is greatly appreciated! I will fix my essay and post the edited version on here soon. One thing that I question though is when you said

when college readers read your essays, they only have one question in mind "Is this person gonna be a good roommate"

Isn't their question, "what makes this student unique and is he/she capable of college-level writing?" I don't really think they care about whether or not you are a good roommate. That's kind of irrelevant right now but I just thought I would respond to it. Thanks again!
relly21   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

I really need help! My essay is not completely finished and I have major writer's block. I know I'm not that great of a writer and I highly appreciate constructive criticism!!!! My essay is about footie pajamas because I like writing about unconventional things. It is just a personal statement with "topic of your choice". In parentheses are the things I still need to write. Oh and any title ideas and ideas of how to shorten it are also helpful! Thanks.

"I don't know what to write about!" is my quintessential complaint these days. "Write about your Israeli heritage and how all of your trips to Israel have impacted your life," Mom suggested over the chopping of her lettuce. "Write about being born with cataracts and how the surgeries have affected you," Dad prompted over his Sunday paper. "Write about a person who has influenced your life, write about playing guitar and composing music, write about USY, write about being a yearbook editor," Ikleel, Becca, Sarah, and Claire encouraged. Write about this, write about that. Sure these were all good suggestions, but none of them struck a chord for me. "I just don't feel like that is an accurate portrayal of myself," I told each of them in turn. These may all be prominent aspects of my character, but they don't paint the whole picture. I want colleges to know me. I won't settle for anything less.

(Paragraph about zoo animals here.)
...

(Something in this paragraph about how footies show my inner child and about how all different parts make up the whole.)

"So how is that essay coming along?" Ben teased. "I don't know what to write about!" I cried in frustration, forgetting that I'm supposed to be pretending he doesn't exist. "Write about your footie pajamas," he said with a snigger. Hah. Write about footie pajamas for a college essay? How absurd, how ridiculous, how ingenious! How me.
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