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Posts by mariumi57
Joined: Oct 24, 2010
Last Post: Dec 19, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "A little about me; no navigation" Stanford Supplemental Essay [12]

I really did enjoy reading this essay. Everything flows very well. The second paragraph specifically is a bit cliche but it's better to have a good cliche essay that people will enjoy reading then a creative essay that comes off a little too fake and like you tried too hard. Good luck!
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alec's suicide" - significant event, Common App [13]

"I wanted to live up to them."

This is an amazing essay, you made me want to keep on reading. Just one problem though, I think it might be a bit too long even for the common app personal essay. They say about 500 words and I think it's okay if you go up to even 700 but I think your essay is way too long. I'm not sure as too what exactly you should take out, my only piece of advice is to maybe take out the paragraph where you talk about who you were mad at and why. It doesn't offer as much to the essay as other paragraphs do.

But really it's an amazing essay and good luck!
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "Assembling my list of colleges" - Why Swarthmore? [4]

Please help with revision. And also feel free to critique as much as you need to. Thanks =]

Assembling my list of colleges has been an extremely difficult task, but Swarthmore College was one college that I didn't have to think long and hard about. I attended a high school with eighty six students in my graduating class. After my freshmen year I knew every face I saw in the hallway and every personality there was at my school. After a few months every student was basically locked in to who they were, what they were like, and who their friends were. It was extremely difficult if not impossible to reinvent yourself. Although it could sometimes be comforting to know everyone around you, sometimes it was also just plain annoying. Following four years of living this every day, I want a change. At Swarthmore College with a total student body of about one thousand five hundred students this change will be possible without being too extreme as it would be at a large university.

I will be able to find who I really am and who I want to be. With such a small high school there were also not many options concerning what I could do. There were very little clubs or sports. With one fall sport, one winter sport, and three spring sports my options were very limited. While at Swarthmore College with eleven women sport options and one hundred fifty nine club options I can really test the waters and find what best fits me.

While I'm going into college undeclared, I know what field I want to go into in the near future. I plan to go into the sciences and possibly if I find a real passion for it: medical school. Swarthmore's medical school acceptance rate in 2004 was ninety two percent, meaning that by going to Swarthmore College I would be on the fast track to medical school. Plus, the science department receives a lot of emphasis at Swarthmore College and the biology department is one of the three biggest majors at Swarthmore. Swarthmore is the perfect mix of a small liberal arts school with all the science opportunities of a large university; the perfect mix for me.
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Bronx Borough Champs race" - Extracurricular Acitivites Essay for Common App [5]

A new version. Once again any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much =]

The list of the cross country varsity was posted on October 26, 2009 and all I yearned was to be one of the seven. During my last race unfortunately I had gotten a horrible cramp; the pain had forced me to watch as girl after girl passed me. I had missed the mark by one person but worse than that I had given up. The following season however I trained intensely, running an average of 5 days a week. More than anything I wanted to make the team that I hadn't been able to make the year before. Race after race I paced myself well and when the pain started I tried to ignore it. Cliché as it sounds I kept telling myself that the pain was worth the gain. That season I placed number two on the team, dropping over 4 minutes. My passion, heart, and determination helped me prove myself; the same passion, heart, and determination that I try to pour into everything. I understand that some things are hard to achieve but I also know that with enough work I can realize any goals I set for myself.
Nov 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "I accomplish whatever I put my mind to" - accurate school record, MSU essay topic [6]

This essay has the potential to be good but you defintily need to spend more time on it and work on wording it better and spell checking it.

Be careful with mistakes like this The decision to joined newspaper proved to be the best decision 'd made my entire high school career.
This should be, The decision to join newspaper proved to be the best decision I'd made during my entire high school career.

I disagree with the second part of EF_Kevin's post. I think those sentences should be left in, I don't think it should be all fact. I agree with the first part of his post though.
Nov 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat." Bikes, Amherst Supplement [3]

Hi, I would really appreciate any advice on this essay. Thanks =]

Question: "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."
Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals.

Quite often humans tend to view a problem and immediately classify it as possible or impossible. They too quickly decide that there is no way they can overcome this obstacle and just give up and put it behind them. The real problem they face though is their pessimism, because nothing should ever be considered impossible. With enough heart, passion, and devotion anything is possible and the journey is always worth the destination. The more obstacles a person must face to attain a certain outcome just means they will appreciate their achievement that much more.

One of the most difficult tasks I have come face to face with to date has been the simple task of learning how to ride a bike. It's not a difficult task, per se, but I personally had a very hard time learning how to do so. When I was about 4 or 5 my parents bought me a tricycle, usually the first bicycle a child learns how to ride. Excited, I ran outside and sat on my tricycle ready to ride like the wind. I placed my small, chubby feet on the pedals and tried to push but no matter how hard I pushed the pedals refused to budge. Upset, I stepped off the bike and told my parents that the tricycle was broken. I explained to them that the pedals would not move and they inspected the bike. After a thorough inspection they realized that the bike was perfectly fine and told me to keep trying, I would get it eventually.

Every few days I would sit on my tricycle and whisper to myself that today would be the day, today I would learn how to ride a bike. But every time I would usually end up dragging the bike along the street using my feet instead of the pedals, Flintstones style. Once I outgrew the tricycle, I gave up on learning how to ride a bike. Every summer I would be stricken with jealously as I watched watching children roam the streets on their quick moving bikes knowing I could not do the same.

When I turned 10 I received a two-wheel bicycle for my 10 birthday and instead of being happy, I was just upset. I couldn't believe my parents had wasted their money on something I would never use. My bicycle just sat there month after month and I never touched it: the fear of failure was too strong.

One day I sat by my window and counted how my bikes passed by, in less than a minute 7 bikes passed by and I became angry at myself for giving up on something I wanted so much. I took my bicycle outside and tried once more. The first few times I fell and pretty soon my knees were all scrapped but I kept trying. I don't remember how long it took exactly but at one point I looked down and realized I was moving down the street; the pedals were quickly turning and the wind was pushing my hair behind me.

The fact that I didn't give up on riding a bike is now one of my proudest achievements because of the simple fact that the obstacles passed to get there were so numerous. I've learned that no matter how hard something may seem you should always try it because, who knows, you might just get it right.
Nov 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "I see life through my window" - Williams Supplement- Look Through a Window [6]

I really enjoyed reading this supplement. You took a very unique path to this essay and I think it was a great idea and will definitly get you noticed.

One piece of advice though, the line: "All the more saddening because the cake is a lie.", I believe is too depressing. You could either take this line out or change it in a way that makes it sound less bleak.

But besides that I think this essay is perfect. Good Luck!
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Bronx Borough Champs race" - Extracurricular Acitivites Essay for Common App [5]

Hello all,
I could really use advice with this essay. Please feel free to give any comments. Thank you so much.

I was unexpectedly nervous as I walked to school the morning of October 26, 2009. Today the list of the seven varsity girls would be posted and all I wanted was to be one of the seven. I was standing on the border line and I knew it. My times had been mediocre all season and until last week I had been number six on the team. The only problem was that during my last race I had gotten a horrible cramp towards the end of what was to be my best race yet; I couldn't breathe properly and the pain forced me to watch as girl after girl passed me. Two girls previously considered to be worse than me finished before me, placing me number eight on my team for that race.

I ended my train of thought and looked up at the bulletin board. I received a painful shock as I noticed my name was not on the list. I had missed the mark by one person. This wasn't going to be the end though; I was going to prove myself.

I was on the starting line of the Bronx Borough Champs race that following Wednesday and I was determined to break my personal record. The gun shot and I sped off, my determination was going to carry me through this race. I ran the 3.1 miles perfectly pacing myself, and as the pain started I ignored it. I wasn't going to allow myself to slow down my pace and hill after hill I kept it. At the very end I sprinted as hard as I could so that the Bronx Science girl next to me would not be able to beat me. I passed the finish line out of breathe and to my surprise medaled. I broke my personal record by two minutes that race, earning myself the number three spot on my team. My passion, heart, and determination had helped me prove myself and the following year I earned myself a spot on the varsity team.