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Posts by Andromeda21
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Last Post: Dec 27, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 17  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 20
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Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

Agreed. Did you apply to Stanford? this essay was written for their "intellectually engaging" prompt.

Oh, and I sent the other essay btw.

Thanks for everything. Good help is so hard to find haha
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

Thanks for the support, it killlllllled me to change it in the first place. I'm just nervous because they seem to be talking about intellectual like books or classes.
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

It's funny you should say that because I originally didn't have the sister nonsense and ended it like this - I think you'll love it:

Suppose, somewhere in the extent of space, there was a resident of the Andromeda galaxy, gazing deeply into the night as I am now. Tonight, they may observe Earth's early formation. Two and a half million years from now - long after my breathing falls silent, long after the breathing of perhaps all of humanity falls silent - they may see me, lying on my rooftop, searching for understanding, and for a moment, I may live again.

But I changed it to better fit the prompt. What do you think I should do?
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

You're right I forgot about that. Well you could still use that first prompt and this essay since you do specifically address how Skyler influenced your life. How about that?

And I posted one of my essays. I'd love if you looked at it.
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you.

The night sky is my sanctuary. When my spirit threatens to crumble under the pressures of life, stargazing restores my mind to zero-gravity. There are no limits to my musing; each silvery thought may slip free of its cranium vessel and progress unrestrained by the laws of the physical world, reaching ever-higher into the ubiquitous night sky. Looking up, I am humbled by its sheer immensity. The very idea that space is infinite and everlasting counters all tangible logic.

And yet it is so.

Pondering this abstract truth, the gravity of my daily worries seems to dissipate.

The flickering stars are my time machine. My eager eyes comb the endless expanse for a faint smudge found only on moonless nights - the Andromeda Galaxy. My search is rewarded. Gazing at the celestial body, I try to comprehend that I am traveling two and a half million years into the past. The image on my retina is not of how the galaxy looks tonight; it is the light that left the galaxy over two million years ago. It is a memory. It is eternal. If a star in that galaxy had burned out years ago, I would not know. In my world, it is still alive, brilliant in the perpetual darkness.

If these stars can influence my life long after their flame expires, then perhaps my accomplishments have the ability to impact change long after my time as well. Staring into the night sky, I am inspired to make the most of the life I have been given. If, like a single star in the glittering continuum, my life has the potential to make even the slightest impression on the pages of the history, then I am determined to make sure that change is for the better.

Nearby movement lowers my mind back into its corporal dwelling. It is my sister, beckoning me inside. My stargazing is complete for tonight. As I return to reality, I steal one more glimpse of the masterpiece above me. A star shoots brilliantly across the ample background; with any luck, one day so will I.

______________________________________________________________________ _________

I'm aware the end in unforgivably cheesy. If you have any idea how to make it better, I'm happy to hear it.

Also, do you think that even counts as an intellectual experience? Is it far enough out there to be unique but not too far that it actually doesn't follow what the prompt expects?
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

You should definitely talk about your dad influencing you, since almost everyone who answers that prompt is going to talk about someone who influenced them in a positive way, your response will be completely unique.
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

I think that would be a very affective plan. And yes, I think the other essay is definitely reflective enough for the ad coms. definitely. do NOT worry about it not being deep enough.

So I'm gonna look more deeply at this one since you're almost definitely using it.

1 - "I..." I managed. Words seemed loath to leave my lips.

2 - During those few seconds, I would have preferred the beatings that's a little too dark for the mood of the essay if you know what I mean

3 - I had learned at an early age to confine my feeling feelings maybe? plural?

4 - The hardship of my life and even the exceeding grace that has offered me a reprieve from it have made aaaawkwardly written. consider rephrasing

5 - Falling in love, or thinking we do, making new friends... eliminating this increases flow and parallelism in this sentence, and I don't think it takes away much from your message.

That's all I've got.

I have essays that I'd love for you to look at but I'm nervous to post them online. I'm a little paranoid :/ I'm not sure what to do
Andromeda21   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

I was thinking about that since they're so similar...

Ok, I just re-skimmed them. What do you think about this - since your thesis about success is possibly more powerful than your intro on history with the quote from Wells, maybe you should replace it with the success one and combine like that?

Sound good?
But if so, what are you going to use as your supplement instead, this one?

I'm gonna be up for atleast another 2 hours by the way. I'm working on like six supplements. So if you're gonna be working on this I'm here to bounce ideas off of or whatever :)
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

Hey so I read all of your posts but the other threads were closed so I'll just comment on here.

First off, your common app essay was PHENOMENAL. You know how they say the essay can be the deciding factor? Well, in your case, I think it brings to light just how much you have accomplished compared to all these other pricks who have had it easy, and it will surely get you anywhere you want to go. There were a couple of grammar things, like "doctors were astounded" instead of "doctor's", and in my opinion you should rephrase your last sentence. It could be so much more powerful since your last paragraph is breathtaking and I feel like you rushed the last sentence to wrap it up which would be such a shame.

Second, I think your first version of this supplement was more powerful. The one in which you define success.

However, if you are going to go with this one you should know what "100 lb pounds" is redundant and it's in your last sentence it's WHOSE not who's.

That's my two cents, hope it helps, I love your writing, admire your strength, and wish you the best of luck in the future.
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Eccentricity" Why Brown Supplement [4]

Your first paragraph is awesome. I know exactly what you're talking about, and I understand why Brown appeals to you. But I think what's gonna make your second paragraph more powerful is if you expand on the Tourette's Syndrome. That's something you've got that no one else does. Milk it!

That's my two cents.

Oh and thanks for your take on my essay :) good luck!
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "From a remote Canadian town to Columbia University" - Supp - Why Columbia? [8]

One of the reasons I cut out details was because I'm teetering on the character limit.
So here's my attempt at details, this is a rewrite of the first part of the last paragraph.

Now I have the potential to embrace the hub of international dialogue in metropolitan New York, the home to the World Leaders Forum, the source of student based Global Impact clubs - the University of Columbia

Do you think that's better?
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Melismas, Syncopations, and Cadences" - Columbia Supplement Essay [8]

Your writing is phenomenal. It's exciting to read, it plays with the senses.

This is an excellent start. The only changes I would make (apart from the sentence already addressed) would be to the last sentence:

As the crowd erupted into a thunderous round of applause at the end of the show, my thoughts echoed the booming ovation; Columbia is the ideal university for me, one that met both my academic and artistic needs.

I think that makes it a little more powerful, restructuring it and bringing "columbia was" to present tense.

That's just my two cents.

Best of luck!
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "From a remote Canadian town to Columbia University" - Supp - Why Columbia? [8]

Thank you all so much!
In response to Robert, you're right. It's not that specific to Columbia, I'll fix it up.
To evaporate, that is soooo nice of you to say! Also, you're right about the subject confusion but I think I'm going to risk it, but thanks for pointing it out.

I'm going to read all of your posts to see if I can help you out at all.
I'll be posting more essays all day, I've got like 5 supps to submit this week!! aaahhh!!
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "to prove myself at the apex of academics" Why Brown [4]

perhaps instead of saying "everything that is important to me" you should restate the two very different areas that you plan on studying that Brown allows you to combine. Like, if you're interesting in majoring in both biological research and French literature, now would be the time to say it. I think they want to see those kinds of specifics.

You're personal connection with the Swearer Center will help you a lot!

That's my two cents.

Best of luck!
Andromeda21   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "From a remote Canadian town to Columbia University" - Supp - Why Columbia? [8]

Prompt: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (1500 chars)

When it comes to America's top universities, the main selling points of a school are always the same: its renowned faculty, its unparalleled research opportunities, its flexible programs - in short, what the school can do for the student. Certainly, Columbia possesses all of these alluring qualities; but in my opinion, what puts Columbia above and beyond other selective schools is not what Columbia can do for the student, but what the student, through Columbia, can do for the world.

Growing up in a remote Canadian town, the radius of my influence was, in the most generous times, limited. Then in my freshman year of high school, my family moved to Lecanto, Florida. Though the upgrade was comparable to moving from a town that was invisible on a map to one that could be mistaken for a passing speck, my determination was unwavering. I founded LHS MedShare: a widely successful group committed to sending medical donations to the nation of Haiti.

Now, I have the potential to embrace the hub of international dialogue, the core of opportunity, the University of Columbia, and the chance to lift my humanitarian ventures onto a global platform while simultaneously receiving the paramount of academic education. Personally, the true reward of education is the ability to bring about positive change in the world; in my eyes, no school embraces this aphorism more completely than Columbia University.

__________________________________________________________________

Any criticism is greatly appreciated. Do you think I adequately addressed the prompt?

Thank you in advance!

Andromeda21   
Nov 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements: Necropsy, My Ears are My Soul, Freedom - EA [5]

Hey!

I'm totally in love with your first two essays. I've a very harsh editor and have found little that I would change.

One suggest I have is to break up this sentence:
I laugh at the unmistakable voice of Charlie Brown, cry when I am called "midget," and nod in wonder while discussing Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel in my Theory of Knowledge class at school.

I got lost in the lists, perhaps use a semicolon.

In the third essay:
- in esteemed facilities SUCH as the Biofilm Research Center
- eliminate however at the beginning of your next sentence, I believe it will make it more powerful.
- immerse myself IN the ever diverse community.
- is it camaraderie? are you sure that's how you spell it?
- the familiar CALIFORNIA ambiAnce

And I like the first short answer about Cortes :)

Now, I expect you to go to town on my essay ahahaha
I'm also applying early action to Stanford, and I posted my weakest (BY FAR) essay for critique.
The help of such an evidently skilled writer would be greatly appreciated.

Good luck with everything,
Andromeda21   
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "sharing a space with Austin's nerd" - Stanford -Roommate and Intellectual vitality [6]

OMG GRACE I THINK WE COULD BE BEST FRIENDS!

hahaha, I listed Anchorman as one of my favorite movies in the app, I also sing to everything (but in my car), AND i'm a vegetarian!!

Okay, now for some useful input:

I'm a believer in Oxford commas, so I'd say put a comma btw "kick off my shoes, and dance around"
Perhaps the next sentence would flow better as "However, my karaoke career isn't confined to the Beatles: I think..." just a suggestion.

I think you could do without the television/laptop sentence, it doesn't add to your topic.

Now, i know this is nit-picky, but I'm very against saying "things". Maybe you could just say "stalking our fridge with tofu, frozen indian food, ..."

What else. Um, i think the period goes outside the quote marks in "the cause".

And that's all I can think of!

I think your essay is brilliant! I would definitely want you to be my roommate! :)

Also, I think the first half of your second essay is amazing. I mean, "enigma", "eternal stretch of pavement"! awesome!

Buuuuut I think that you rushed the second half to wrap it together.

I don't think you should scrap it. Just try to put the same tone into your second half.

Are you applying early action tomorrow?
Andromeda21   
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a a royal pain" - Stanford Roommate Essay [8]

Thank you! Hopefully Stanford will agree!

I'm worried it may be cliche, I'm not sure how people usually answer this prompt.

Also, I realized I spelled Escher wrong - I clearly need to get some sleep. Unfortunately, that won't be happening tonight haha.
Andromeda21   
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a a royal pain" - Stanford Roommate Essay [8]

Ok, so here's the prompt:
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

I decided to do something I never thought I would - answer with total and complete honesty. Please let me know what you think. Do you think I even answered the prompt? Is this the sort of thing they're looking for?

______________________________________________________________________

Who am I? You have no idea. To be honest, neither do I. After hours of pondering this question, I've decided that the answer could be found in the people who know me best.

According to my mother, I'm - direct quote - a royal pain. You see my books have a tendency to end up sprawled open on every conceivable surface. At first, my mother swallowed her annoyance of my localized hurricanes, but her OCD could only be contained for so long. I think she finally lost it when she found a copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance balanced precariously on top of a lamp shade. Frankly, despite the countless lectures I've endured for this behavior, I have no regrets. Find a way to fully appreciate a book when it's neatly restrained, shut and rigid, up on a bookshelf. I dare you.

Ask my friend Kim and she'll answer (a little too quickly) "in one word - quirky." I'd be lying if I said there weren't hundreds of examples to support her droll declaration. You've probably already experienced this first hand simply surveying our room: I'm captivated by M.C. Esher, I have three different types of Rubix cubes, and the cookies sitting on my desk are not the usual chocolate-chip, rather, they're white-chocolate pumpkin drops (you're free to try some by the way!)

All in all, though I haven't found myself yet, I'm not worried. Based on these opinions, I'd say I'm pretty interesting. Hopefully you'll think so too.

______________________________________________________________________ __

It needs a lot of work. I appreciate any input! I'll be up all night :)
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