NissanHaque
Jan 8, 2011
Undergraduate / "Medicine, Center of Culture, George Carlin" NYU + "Heart to Heart" Commonapp [4]
Could a moderator please close this thread?
Could a moderator please close this thread?
NissanHaque
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU- Diversity at its best, it opened my eyes to the ignorance that blinded me [6]
Hey jshah,
What the question simply means is how studying at NYU would allow you to become more aware of the world around you and not simply leaving a strictly domestic outlook. I think you accomplish this in an indirect way when you say "Studying at one of the global sites..."
the world "comprehensive" seems a bit awkward as it is the wrong word to use in this context. Perhaps something along the lines of "well-rounded". It is also not a trait.
If you could also look at my supplements that would be great.
Thanks and good luck! Hopefully I will see you next year.
Hey jshah,
What the question simply means is how studying at NYU would allow you to become more aware of the world around you and not simply leaving a strictly domestic outlook. I think you accomplish this in an indirect way when you say "Studying at one of the global sites..."
the world "comprehensive" seems a bit awkward as it is the wrong word to use in this context. Perhaps something along the lines of "well-rounded". It is also not a trait.
If you could also look at my supplements that would be great.
Thanks and good luck! Hopefully I will see you next year.
NissanHaque
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heart to Heart" - someone who is influential to you COMMON APP [9]
Well, here it is again, slightly re-edited, just wanted to make sure no one corrected me for the same mistake twice.
Heart to Heart
I never thought my family was important, not until I nearly lost my father to heart failure. Only then did I realize how significant he really is to me . Back then , I viewed him as a provider-diligently taking care of our family with what little money he earned. Most importantly, he was the arbiter of my dreams and aspirations. He chose my path for me: I was to become a doctor and a nything less would be unacceptable.
I did not understand his tenacity then. Was it driven by tradition or culture? Or did he want to hold his head up high and tell everyone that his son was a doctor? Perhaps it would simply mean he no longer needed to work. Regardless, my life was decided for me and I did nothing to understand why. That is until the day I realized that I was running out of time to ask.
I was on my way home from my first varsity soccer practice on a brisk October day in 2005 when I saw my father limping down the street, one hand clutched tightly onto his chest, his fingernails digging deeper and deeper into his skin. The puzzled look on my face turned to horror when I saw him gradually collapse in the middle of the street. I ran over to him and caught a glimpse of his pale, stretched face. The excruciating sound of air being desperately sucked in through clenched teeth echoed through the air. I could not force myself to do anything, not even ask what was wrong. I stood there helplessly as a mailman and a neighbor rushed over. The next hour was a blur of loud ambulance sirens, speeding stretchers, closed curtains and faint yelling that told me to get out of the room. I just stood in the hospital corridor, dumbfounded by my appalling vulnerability. Was this really who I was? Oblivious, compliant, and helpless?
I do not remember anything from the rest of the night. I only knew that my father had had a heart attack and a short hour later he survived a sudden stroke. The cardiologists at the hospital tried to reassure me that they were going to take care of him, but I knew I would most likely lose him forever. I had never attempted to hold a conversation with this man. I had never thought of forming a close relationship with him like the ones you see in movies of a game of catch between a father and his son. We were merely roommates. Yet I still cared about him enough to let my emotions steadily trickle down my face and soak my shirt. I cried about being helpless. I cried about being weak. I cried for my dad.
To this day I carry a feeling of responsibility for my dad's life. I've studied the heart extensively, and I've memorized every single book I could find about the circulatory system. I have even spoken to my dad's cardiologist and got to know him very well. I decided that I should work under him and become a great cardiologist like him. To this day, I continue my cardiovascular research with my mentor. I study to become a doctor, just like my father told me to. But now I don't do it because he told me to or because my culture and tradition dictates it. I do it because it is my passion-because I want to.
Well, here it is again, slightly re-edited, just wanted to make sure no one corrected me for the same mistake twice.
Heart to Heart
I never thought my family was important, not until I nearly lost my father to heart failure. Only then did I realize how significant he really is to me . Back then , I viewed him as a provider-diligently taking care of our family with what little money he earned. Most importantly, he was the arbiter of my dreams and aspirations. He chose my path for me: I was to become a doctor and a nything less would be unacceptable.
I did not understand his tenacity then. Was it driven by tradition or culture? Or did he want to hold his head up high and tell everyone that his son was a doctor? Perhaps it would simply mean he no longer needed to work. Regardless, my life was decided for me and I did nothing to understand why. That is until the day I realized that I was running out of time to ask.
I was on my way home from my first varsity soccer practice on a brisk October day in 2005 when I saw my father limping down the street, one hand clutched tightly onto his chest, his fingernails digging deeper and deeper into his skin. The puzzled look on my face turned to horror when I saw him gradually collapse in the middle of the street. I ran over to him and caught a glimpse of his pale, stretched face. The excruciating sound of air being desperately sucked in through clenched teeth echoed through the air. I could not force myself to do anything, not even ask what was wrong. I stood there helplessly as a mailman and a neighbor rushed over. The next hour was a blur of loud ambulance sirens, speeding stretchers, closed curtains and faint yelling that told me to get out of the room. I just stood in the hospital corridor, dumbfounded by my appalling vulnerability. Was this really who I was? Oblivious, compliant, and helpless?
I do not remember anything from the rest of the night. I only knew that my father had had a heart attack and a short hour later he survived a sudden stroke. The cardiologists at the hospital tried to reassure me that they were going to take care of him, but I knew I would most likely lose him forever. I had never attempted to hold a conversation with this man. I had never thought of forming a close relationship with him like the ones you see in movies of a game of catch between a father and his son. We were merely roommates. Yet I still cared about him enough to let my emotions steadily trickle down my face and soak my shirt. I cried about being helpless. I cried about being weak. I cried for my dad.
To this day I carry a feeling of responsibility for my dad's life. I've studied the heart extensively, and I've memorized every single book I could find about the circulatory system. I have even spoken to my dad's cardiologist and got to know him very well. I decided that I should work under him and become a great cardiologist like him. To this day, I continue my cardiovascular research with my mentor. I study to become a doctor, just like my father told me to. But now I don't do it because he told me to or because my culture and tradition dictates it. I do it because it is my passion-because I want to.
NissanHaque
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Medicine, Center of Culture, George Carlin" NYU + "Heart to Heart" Commonapp [4]
Hey, these 3 short essays are part of the NYU supplemental essays. Each have a 500 character limit and I am just under that. Please be aware of this. I thought I'd post these in one place so it would be easier for me to read and cycle through the corrections.
Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.
My fascination with medicine stemmed from a darker, more horrid story of my father's struggle with cardiac failure. Since the day he endured both a heart attack and a stroke, I've devoted myself to becoming a cardiologist. What ensued was a rapid development of a newfound passion, internships with top cardiologists in NYC, volunteering at local hospitals, and studying vigorously on the human heart. NYU offers both unparalleled academic opportunities and the chance to grow as a global citizen.
NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?
New York City is the most pronounced center of opportunity, the heart of global culture, the very nucleus of international dialogue, and home to one of the most globally connected universities in the world. Studying at NYU will allow me to embrace my desire to become part of the larger scientific community and participate in investigative research on a global platform. I believe NYU will outfit me with the ability to contribute to society with a global perspective in mind.
If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.
A man dressed in all-black with slick white hair and pale skin shouted obscenities at a crowd and peculiarly received a thunderous standing ovation. He expressed not only his views language and free-expression, but his bleak yet humorous take on the progression of the human existence. George Carlin was a satirist like no other, but I'd like to show him my village deep in
Bangladesh. A community rebuilds after a flood, and their perseverance embraces the notion that humanity still has a chance.
Hey, these 3 short essays are part of the NYU supplemental essays. Each have a 500 character limit and I am just under that. Please be aware of this. I thought I'd post these in one place so it would be easier for me to read and cycle through the corrections.
Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.
My fascination with medicine stemmed from a darker, more horrid story of my father's struggle with cardiac failure. Since the day he endured both a heart attack and a stroke, I've devoted myself to becoming a cardiologist. What ensued was a rapid development of a newfound passion, internships with top cardiologists in NYC, volunteering at local hospitals, and studying vigorously on the human heart. NYU offers both unparalleled academic opportunities and the chance to grow as a global citizen.
NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?
New York City is the most pronounced center of opportunity, the heart of global culture, the very nucleus of international dialogue, and home to one of the most globally connected universities in the world. Studying at NYU will allow me to embrace my desire to become part of the larger scientific community and participate in investigative research on a global platform. I believe NYU will outfit me with the ability to contribute to society with a global perspective in mind.
If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.
A man dressed in all-black with slick white hair and pale skin shouted obscenities at a crowd and peculiarly received a thunderous standing ovation. He expressed not only his views language and free-expression, but his bleak yet humorous take on the progression of the human existence. George Carlin was a satirist like no other, but I'd like to show him my village deep in
Bangladesh. A community rebuilds after a flood, and their perseverance embraces the notion that humanity still has a chance.
NissanHaque
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "a student suitable for a large university" - BU supplement. Too offensive? [4]
I do agree that the beginning seems a bit too reckless, however, I think that the idea is nice formatting-wise. You can use your same hook but just use sentences that adcoms would be proud to read. I guess you'd also have to cut out the just kidding. I just really like the style of the hook.
Many teachers at school call me a "social butterfly", and I can only hope to achieve such a nickname in university . This is a bit awkward. I can only hope to achieve such a nickname in college as well. Perhaps you might want to change achieve to earn. Also you need a better transition after this paragraph.
If possible, I would hug every single person at BU, no joke . I'm not sure if this is the term for it, but this is slang. Don't use it in your essay, which seems to be more formal regarding the previous paragraph (for example, you use "furthermore" in your next sentence).
I do agree that the beginning seems a bit too reckless, however, I think that the idea is nice formatting-wise. You can use your same hook but just use sentences that adcoms would be proud to read. I guess you'd also have to cut out the just kidding. I just really like the style of the hook.
Many teachers at school call me a "social butterfly", and I can only hope to achieve such a nickname in university . This is a bit awkward. I can only hope to achieve such a nickname in college as well. Perhaps you might want to change achieve to earn. Also you need a better transition after this paragraph.
If possible, I would hug every single person at BU, no joke . I'm not sure if this is the term for it, but this is slang. Don't use it in your essay, which seems to be more formal regarding the previous paragraph (for example, you use "furthermore" in your next sentence).
NissanHaque
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heart to Heart" - someone who is influential to you COMMON APP [9]
not sure if im allowed to but -- bump?
not sure if im allowed to but -- bump?
NissanHaque
Dec 22, 2010
Graduate / Starting my essay for Physician's Assistant Program [5]
Generally essays follow this trend. I'm quite intrigued by the fact that you remember his speech well enough to pull quotes. Be careful about the choice of quote though as it sets up the entire piece. What I've seen in many cases is that the quote and opening paragraph are whats strongest in the essay. I agree completely that you should take this course of action. Of course, I would however like to make one small suggestion because of the very tight word limit. You may want to keep your motivation story simple and limited to maybe the first two paragraphs. This would allow you space for reflection.
Good luck!
Generally essays follow this trend. I'm quite intrigued by the fact that you remember his speech well enough to pull quotes. Be careful about the choice of quote though as it sets up the entire piece. What I've seen in many cases is that the quote and opening paragraph are whats strongest in the essay. I agree completely that you should take this course of action. Of course, I would however like to make one small suggestion because of the very tight word limit. You may want to keep your motivation story simple and limited to maybe the first two paragraphs. This would allow you space for reflection.
Good luck!
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia is cool, teaches, and aids foreigners - in 1500 letters [11]
it doesnt matter what the intent is, colleges do not take this matter lightly
it doesnt matter what the intent is, colleges do not take this matter lightly
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heart to Heart" - someone who is influential to you COMMON APP [9]
How is it intense? I need constructive criticism please.
How is it intense? I need constructive criticism please.
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heart to Heart" - someone who is influential to you COMMON APP [9]
Here is my commonapp essay. The prompt is on someone who is influential to you. The minimum word limit is 250. This essay is around 538.
Heart to Heart
I never used to regard family as important. It was not until I nearly lost my father to heart failure did I realize how significant he was to me. He is a provider. He takes care of me and my mother with what little money he earns in this unfamiliar country.
Most importantly, he dictated my dreams and aspirations.
He chose my path for me: I was to become a doctor. Anything less would be unacceptable.
I did not understand his tenacity. Could this dream of his be tradition or culture or the idea that he could hold his collar up high and tell everyone his son is a doctor? Perhaps it would mean he no longer needed to work. Regardless, my life was decided for me and I chose to do nothing to understand it. Then the day came where I may never have had the chance to understand it ever again.
I was on my way home from my first varsity soccer practice on a brisk October day to find my father limping on the street with one hand clutching his chest so tightly that his fingernails dug into his skin. The puzzled look on my face turned to horror when I saw him collapse in the middle of the street. I ran over to him but could not force myself to do anything, not even ask what was wrong. I stood there helpless as a local mailman and a neighbor rushed over. The next hour was a blur of loud ambulance sirens, speeding hospital beds, closed curtains and yelling that told me to get out of the room. I stood in the hospital corridor dumbfounded by my vulnerabilities. Perhaps this is who I really was: oblivious, compliant, and helpless.
Something about me changed that day. I remember very little about what was going on. I knew that my father had a heart attack, that an hour immediately after that he faced a stroke, that the cardiologists at the hospital told me they were going to take care of him, and that I could possibly lose him forever. I never attempted to hold a conversation with this man. I never thought of forming a close relationship with him like the ones you see in movies of the father playing catch with his son. I was merely a roommate, yet I still cared about him. I stood there with tears streaming down my face. I cried about being helpless. I cried about being weak. I cried for my dad.
To this day I carry a responsibility for my dad's life. I've studied extensively about the heart. I memorized every single book I could find about the circulatory system. I even talked to my dad's cardiologist. I got to know him very well and decided that I would work under him and become a great cardiologist like him. To this day, I continue my cardiovascular research with my mentor. I study to become a doctor just like my father told me to. But I don't do it because he told me to or because my culture and tradition dictates it. I do it because it is my passionïI do it because I want to.
Here is my commonapp essay. The prompt is on someone who is influential to you. The minimum word limit is 250. This essay is around 538.
Heart to Heart
I never used to regard family as important. It was not until I nearly lost my father to heart failure did I realize how significant he was to me. He is a provider. He takes care of me and my mother with what little money he earns in this unfamiliar country.
Most importantly, he dictated my dreams and aspirations.
He chose my path for me: I was to become a doctor. Anything less would be unacceptable.
I did not understand his tenacity. Could this dream of his be tradition or culture or the idea that he could hold his collar up high and tell everyone his son is a doctor? Perhaps it would mean he no longer needed to work. Regardless, my life was decided for me and I chose to do nothing to understand it. Then the day came where I may never have had the chance to understand it ever again.
I was on my way home from my first varsity soccer practice on a brisk October day to find my father limping on the street with one hand clutching his chest so tightly that his fingernails dug into his skin. The puzzled look on my face turned to horror when I saw him collapse in the middle of the street. I ran over to him but could not force myself to do anything, not even ask what was wrong. I stood there helpless as a local mailman and a neighbor rushed over. The next hour was a blur of loud ambulance sirens, speeding hospital beds, closed curtains and yelling that told me to get out of the room. I stood in the hospital corridor dumbfounded by my vulnerabilities. Perhaps this is who I really was: oblivious, compliant, and helpless.
Something about me changed that day. I remember very little about what was going on. I knew that my father had a heart attack, that an hour immediately after that he faced a stroke, that the cardiologists at the hospital told me they were going to take care of him, and that I could possibly lose him forever. I never attempted to hold a conversation with this man. I never thought of forming a close relationship with him like the ones you see in movies of the father playing catch with his son. I was merely a roommate, yet I still cared about him. I stood there with tears streaming down my face. I cried about being helpless. I cried about being weak. I cried for my dad.
To this day I carry a responsibility for my dad's life. I've studied extensively about the heart. I memorized every single book I could find about the circulatory system. I even talked to my dad's cardiologist. I got to know him very well and decided that I would work under him and become a great cardiologist like him. To this day, I continue my cardiovascular research with my mentor. I study to become a doctor just like my father told me to. But I don't do it because he told me to or because my culture and tradition dictates it. I do it because it is my passionïI do it because I want to.
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Basketball and other aspects of sport" - Common App Extracurricular Short Answer [6]
you might want to consider rewriting this completely. I know you try to twist the generalization but it still sounds generic. This is pretty weak. Sorry for the harsh criticism but I've read basically the same essay at least 300 times.
you might want to consider rewriting this completely. I know you try to twist the generalization but it still sounds generic. This is pretty weak. Sorry for the harsh criticism but I've read basically the same essay at least 300 times.
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia is cool, teaches, and aids foreigners - in 1500 letters [11]
You should not bash other colleges anywhere on your application. This does not strengthen your resolve, it only hinders it
You should not bash other colleges anywhere on your application. This does not strengthen your resolve, it only hinders it
NissanHaque
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "my goal of becoming a cardiologist" - Columbia supplement [5]
My application is due in a few hours and i'd really appreciate some help
the prompt is:
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (in 1500 characters).
While eating lunch on the steps of the Low Library with a couple of old friends who now attend Columbia, I noticed the astounding degree of intellectual thinking and involvement that defines the school. I imagined being in the midst of such a vibrant and intellectual community while working towards my goal of becoming a cardiologist. Columbia offers innumerable opportunities that cater to all of my interests, academic or otherwise. Classes in Columbia's renowned Core such as Classical Civilizations and Frontiers of Science would greatly complement a more science-intensive premedical curriculum. Merely sitting in on one core class has already allowed me to gain different perspectives and put my studies in context with a dynamic world that is constantly changing. The SURF program would allow me to continue and delve deeper into my extensive research. The unparalleled diversity in the student body would allow me to further expose myself to other cultures, something I greatly enjoy learning about. I want to be a part of the history of leading innovations that Columbia has fostered. I can see myself contributing greatly to both the research at Columbia as well as the community. I can see myself attending dance rehearsals for the Bhangra team or being mentored by one of the Nobel laureates that constitute the elite faculty. I can see myself proudly wearing blue, both on campus and on the soccer field. I can see myself as a true Columbia Lion.
Should be around 1457 characters, so I don't need to cut it down.
My application is due in a few hours and i'd really appreciate some help
the prompt is:
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why (in 1500 characters).
While eating lunch on the steps of the Low Library with a couple of old friends who now attend Columbia, I noticed the astounding degree of intellectual thinking and involvement that defines the school. I imagined being in the midst of such a vibrant and intellectual community while working towards my goal of becoming a cardiologist. Columbia offers innumerable opportunities that cater to all of my interests, academic or otherwise. Classes in Columbia's renowned Core such as Classical Civilizations and Frontiers of Science would greatly complement a more science-intensive premedical curriculum. Merely sitting in on one core class has already allowed me to gain different perspectives and put my studies in context with a dynamic world that is constantly changing. The SURF program would allow me to continue and delve deeper into my extensive research. The unparalleled diversity in the student body would allow me to further expose myself to other cultures, something I greatly enjoy learning about. I want to be a part of the history of leading innovations that Columbia has fostered. I can see myself contributing greatly to both the research at Columbia as well as the community. I can see myself attending dance rehearsals for the Bhangra team or being mentored by one of the Nobel laureates that constitute the elite faculty. I can see myself proudly wearing blue, both on campus and on the soccer field. I can see myself as a true Columbia Lion.
Should be around 1457 characters, so I don't need to cut it down.
