Undergraduate / "College is like a triathlon" - personal statement-triathlons [4]

Personal Statement-triathlon

The horn went off and my heart was beating out of my chest. I dove into the frigid lake water and struggled to keep up with the rest of the group. All of a sudden, the anxiety faded away and a sense of calmness came over me. I focused on counting my strokes to keep a steady pace. All of the months of hard training with my father were finally put to the test.

Competing in triathlons from an early age gave me a sense of purpose in life. As I entered my high school years, the training grew more intense and difficult. It was stressful having to regularly visit the chiropractor for my fractured hip and shin splints. After a six month period, I was able to recover and get back to enjoying long bike rides on Saturday mornings and distance runs around the neighborhood.

Triathlon races allow me to challenge myself and grow stronger both physically and mentally. Persistence is the key to performing well on race day. Whether it involves running five miles before school, cycling for hours to Central Park, or practicing drills in the pool, it all pays off in the end.

College is like a triathlon. Students have to be able to maintain the balance of challenging classes, extracurricular activities, and personal relationships. Being a part of the ___ community will present me with new challenges that will help me grow as an individual. I believe that my experience with triathlons will enable me to succeed at ____ through my dedication and perseverance.

Need some sort of way to connect the first paragraph to the rest of the essay :/
Thank you!

Undergraduate / "Haitians, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Africans, and Italians" - diversity commonapp [3]

I already used this essay for Rutgers. I need to change it to fit my common app question.
Any feedback/comments would be greatly appreciated ASAP! Thank you very much! :)

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Growing up, I was exposed to different cultures other than my own. My parents worked at a clothes store in the urban streets of Newark for fifteen years. They were the perfect example of hopeful immigrants who struggled to pursue the American dream. As soon as I was tall enough to see above the counter, I worked at the cash register and met many interesting customers. The exposure to a wide array of cultures such as Haitians, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Africans, and Italians made it possible for me to respect different values, traditions, and beliefs.

My familiarity with diverse backgrounds sparked my curiosity to learn about my own culture. I began to realize why my mother determinedly woke me up every Saturday morning to attend the Korean school in Tenafly. Back then, I found it unfair that my friends were asleep while I studied a complex language and took Tae Kwon Do classes. Eight difficult years of learning ancient calligraphy, Korean folk music, and the traditional fan dance, gave me a profound understanding and knowledge of my culture. In high school, I felt connected to the Korean community and a burning desire to give back. I volunteered at an organization called America Wheat Mission. It gave me the chance to contribute by caring for Korean children with disabilities. With my bilingual skills, I taught English and played games with the children. It became clear that an education opened up more opportunities to make a difference.

As a violinist, I learned to appreciate diverse cultures through my love for music. I studied all kinds of music since the 1st grade, ranging from the sophisticated work of Mozart to Irish fiddle music. Watching the New York Philharmonic perform in North Korea was astonishing. Despite their political differences, the United States and North Korea bonded through the arts. The orchestra proved to the world that music transcends any boundary and has the power to unite people. It made me realize that I could use music, which had always been my personal passion, to benefit others. After the devastating earthquake struck Haiti, my string quartet played at a fundraising dinner to raise money for the victims. It was a meaningful experience because my community came together to work toward a charitable cause.

Triathlon is another passion of mine. Since middle school, my summers were spent training with my dad and competing in over ten different states. After finishing second place in Pennsylvania and first place in the Dr. Jays Oceanside triathlon, I knew that triathlon was the sport for me. I am currently preparing for a half ironman race next year and my goal is to qualify for the Ironman Triathlon World Championship in Hawaii.

On a planet that is quickly globalizing, it is crucial to step outside our comfort zone and see the outside world. ____University places great importance on recruiting students from diverse backgrounds and cultures. By listening to the ideas, life stories, opinions, and dreams of other students, I will be challenged to grow and employ interdependence. With the help of the brilliant professors at ____ University, I look forward to expanding my knowledge base to become an effective global citizen. I believe that my musical ability, athleticism, cultural sensitivity, and commitment to life-long learning will benefit the ____ community. I plan to use my triathlon background to introduce other students to the excitement of endurance sports and physical fitness. I also want to continue playing the violin with other talented musicians to support the arts and make a difference in the community.