Undergraduate / "sympathetic solutions, essay on empathy" - princeton supplement [2]

hi cud some1 plz tell me how i cud improve this essay?? plz rate it...n comment on the conclusion...

Question-
Using the following quotation from "The Moral Obligations of Living in a Democratic Society" as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope."

- Cornel West, Class of 1943 University Professor in the Center for African American Studies, Princeton University

Essay-

"Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope."

It was just another day at school when my best friend came up to me and said, "Gaurav...I need to talk to you." The tone of her voice surprised me. The usual carefree smile had been replaced by an air of depression. Deducing that something wasn't quite right, I asked her what was wrong. After a few moments, she replied tearfully, "I attempted suicide yesterday!" A long minute of uncomfortable silence followed in which I tried to recover from the shock and envisage as to why a person who I thought had the best in life, who was always upbeat and cheerful had suddenly fallen off the edge. I enquired about what the reason was and gradually, she began pouring her heart out to me.

She had been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year, when she discovered that he had been cheating on her and broke up with him. She had got over him and they had not been in touch for over a year. Then one day, out of the blue, the guy had tried to contact her, and when she did not reply, he sent her a vulgar and humiliating message. It was a sad coincidence that my friend's mother had her cell phone at that point of time. She was shocked to read the message and reacted violently, admonishing and beating up her daughter.

"I tried to explain that it wasn't my fault but mother wouldn't listen. No one understands me! I was distraught. So, I slit my wrist", she said, her eyes now filled to the brim with tears. I was shaken by her story. I realised that she needed to be reassured that people who mattered to her loved her too. I comforted her reiterating the fact that it wasn't her fault but also emphasised that no matter how tough life is, suicide is never the option. Over the next few days, I convinced myself to spend more time with her and ensured that she felt better about herself, rebuilding her self-esteem bit-by-bit. I also persuaded her to talk to her mother and when she did, her mother realised her own fault. Today, my best friend is back to her usual sweet self and has promised me never to even contemplate suicide again.

This event helped me understand that empathy is not about being aware of what others are going through, but about lending a helping hand and actually doing something to improve the condition of the other person. It is imperative that while offering advice, you ensure that the other person feels better about herself but at the same time ensure that she learns from her mistakes. Helping people overcome their problems is good as it not only makes them feel better but also teaches you what mistakes not to commit in life. Empathy is indeed about overcoming the inertia and summoning the willpower to reach out and offer sympathetic solutions to the problems confronting others.

Undergraduate / "no greater joy than soccer" - MIT pleasure essay [4]

plz comment n tell me places i can improve...shud i delete the 2nd line and elaborate more on the console based gaming???

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

Few things provide me greater joy than soccer. Whether it is dribbling the ball past defenders or blasting it into the top corner, each moment that passes on the field is accompanied by tremendous excitement and takes my mind off everything else. I not only enjoy playing soccer out in the real world, but also on my Playstation2. I am a die-hard fan of the EA Sports FIFA game series and love to test my gaming skills against my friends each time we meet. I am an ardent supporter of Chelsea FC and love watching their matches throughout the season.

Undergraduate / "my source of inspiration, my guide and mentor" - My mom's influence COMMON APP [4]

Please tell me if the essay needs to be longer...places where i can improve...and rate it the essay highlighting the errors... Do i need to describe the influence of another person...like my father for eg.???

Question-
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Essay-

The most influential person in my life has ensured that as I shoot for the moon, I don't get caught up staring at the stars. Her presence meant that I always had someone to look up to, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who I could ask for advice without hesitation. This person means the world to me. She is none other than my mother, my faithful guide and companion right from the moment I was born.

My mother has always been my greatest supporter. She taught me that hard work is like a vector quantity. It needs not only magnitude but also proper direction. She is the first to recognise any of my talents and encourage me to hone them. Unlike many Indian parents who just want their children to accomplish academic success, my mother wants me to be unique. She supports me in everything I want to do as long as I have an appropriate reason. It is only when she feels that she feels that something isn't in my best interests that she advices me against it. Even then, she leaves the final decision to me.

My mother made me cultivate the habit of reading right from an early age. Every time I performed well in academics or in extra-curricular activities, she would buy me new books, ranging from short exciting novels to books that increased my knowledge. On a slightly different note, my mother is the world's greatest listener. She listens carefully to each thing I tell her such as my problems, plans for the future and even trivial things such as things that happened at school and offers me the best pieces of advice.

My mother made me realize that everyone makes mistakes but that mistakes aren't meant to be repeated. I remember the time when I performed poorly in my mathematics examination in the 10th grade. Math had been my strong subject until then, but I had been over confident before the exam and hadn't revised properly, and this lead to a bad score. I was extremely scared when I brought my corrected answer sheet home, fearing that my mother would punish me, but her reaction mildly surprised me. Instead of admonishing me, she carefully analyzed my paper, and pointed out the concepts I needed to work on. She also made me reflect on the time I had wasted before the exam and asked me to tell her frankly if I thought I had given my best. I was unable to answer. I had learnt my lesson. I would never disappoint her again. Over the next month, she put in a lot of efforts to help me get my basic concepts right. All our hard work bore fruit as I cleared the class X board exam as the school topper and scored 99% in math.

My mother has always been there to share both my happiest moments and saddest memories. She taught me that happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light. She has truly been the most influential person in my life. She has been my best friend, my source of inspiration, my guide and mentor. I look up to her with love, trust and pride.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

this is my engineering essay for YALE...please tell me how to conclude it...and comment on the essay...rate it...tell me places i ought to improve...any quotations that might help??

Right from the time when I could decide for myself, I knew I wanted to do nothing more in life than follow in my father's footsteps and become an engineer. Machines fascinated me. The way in which metal and a jumbled set of wires created some of the most useful commodities in the world Vague. Try to elaborate on the usefulness of said commodities.had intrigued me, right from the start. Over the years, the number of reasons that made me want to pursue engineering increased manifold. Rushed. It sounds like you're trying to fit in volumes of information within limited space.I loved to read about the latest happenings in the world of science and technology and watched a lot of informative shows on the television. Moreover, constant good grades in math, physics, chemistry and computer science ensured that my parents and teachers supported me throughout and reassured me that I had all the makings of a good engineer. The last line sounds boastful. The reader will think you're trying to compel him or her to accept you as a phenomenal engineering talent.

The next question that confronted me was the what type of engineering I wanted did I wantto pursue. Instrumentation engineering was the first choice that lit up my mind as this was the concentration that my father had graduated in. But as I got older, I realised that my father and I are two different individuals with a different set of skills and interests. Choices that worked for him would not necessarily work for me. I realised that I ought to pursue the branch of engineering that truly caught my attention and sparked my interest. I finally decided that I wanted to become either an electrical engineer or a mechanical engineer, as I performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments and course work in school that involved electric circuits and appliances. Your mental conflict doesn't resolve itself fully. Rather, it comes across as superficial. The way you first try to follow in your father's footsteps and later on realize that you actually like something else suggests a sort of fickleness.

I have hardly any experience in engineering at the moment, What about those practical assignments? but have an unparalleled desire to learn about it. I don't look at engineering as a source of income. Delete this last line.It is my passion, and I can only achieve my ambition of being a great engineer, if I am educated at a top-notch institute such as Yale, whose engineering programs have been constantly ranked highly in surveys. It sounds like you're pleading with them. Moreover, Yale isn't the only good college in the United State known for engineering. There is nothing in your wanting to join Yale for its rankings that even remotely suggests that it's the only school where you could realize your dreams.I strongly aspire to pursue an ABET at Yale in either electrical engineering or mechanical engineering and material sciences. Studying at Yale would ensure that I not only exercise a strong command over the fundamental principles of engineering but am also able to apply that knowledge to engineering design and practice through advanced courses and independent work. This is characteristic of practically all engineering courses - mention something SPECIFIC that you like about Yale - such as the kind of research they're doing, or any SPECIAL department or course they might have that you find interesting.Since most of the renowned faculty at Yale are top engineers engaged in cutting-edge research, ample opportunities exist where I can apply my technical abilities. You haven't mentioned anything that you can find at Yale that you CANNOT find at other engineering schools. I would suggest that you research Yale and its courses before attempting this essay.

Moreover, the presence of scores of other students who are just as talented as I am, Boastful. would spur me on to greater accomplishments and bring out the best in me. Since Yale Engineering also has the second lowest student to faculty ratio in the U.S, I am sure that I would receive ample personal attention and proper guidance. Contradicts the "as talented as I am" part. Be consistent. Yale's great financial aid system, faculty par excellence and the atmosphere that is perfectly conducive to learning makes it my dream college.

Okay, like I said at least three times in there, you haven't mentioned anything UNIQUE about Yale. Yale wouldn't want applicants who are haphazardly applying to universities without doing any research on them. They want passionate and committed students. Your essay should reflect that passion and commitment. If you really think Yale is the best place for you, you should have done all the research you could on its courses, faculty, campus life, etc. On what else could you have based your liking for it? On superficial things like its reputation and rankings?

Undergraduate / "participating in quizzes" - Commonapp Basic Essay [4]

this is the 1st essay i have written for the commonapp...please tell me where i can improve it...n rate it..
Topic- Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

Essay-

I love participating in quizzes. In order to perform well, I habitually watch the news and surf the Internet, keeping myself abreast with all the latest developments in the world.

I frequently participate in quizzes at school and have also represented my school at the national level. I find quizzes both interesting and challenging. A couple of my friends and I, all avid quizzers, keep testing each other's knowledge of events from a wide array of topics ranging from technology to sports.

Last year, I participated in "The Times of Oman Open Quiz", which is one of the most highly anticipated events each year. From over 170teams that participated, my team not only qualified for the finals but also finished 4th, which is the highest position ever achieved by a school team. That exhilarating experience has increased my passion for quizzing and made it my favourite pastime.