Posts by LisaTheKidd

LisaTheKidd

Feb 7, 2011

Writing Feedback / Rising China and its future: planned or liberal economy? [3]

I'm a bit short on time, but I thought this definitely merited a detailed response, so I'll try to quickly discuss the essay.

I thought this was an excellent case-study type of an argument, with great, specific examples.
There were a few things I wasn't thrilled about, however. The prompt says "which system will work for china," and you've answered "which system has worked for China." It seems almost evident that what has worked will work, but I think you need to mention how the planned economy will endure through new challenges, such as increased globalization and instant worldwide communication.

Another thing that struck me is that what will work for China, for me, means what will work for the people of China. This essay uses language like "the government is able to," which doesn't immediately lend itself to the people's welfare. With such a powerful government, how are the people's liberties protected?

Also, The first sentence isn't as powerful as it could be.
The size of the government, or the capacity of its intervention, defines a country's overall economic policies.
I'm not an economic expert, so I'm not sure what "the capacity of its intervention" means. What I think is being said here is that a country's ability to intervene in the economic activities of its citizens is determined by its size. What I would expect there is a sentence stating that liberal policy and planned policy are at odds, preferably by stating the main goal of each.

LisaTheKidd

Feb 5, 2011

Dissertations / The Passionate Shepherd Thesis statement [5]

The passionate yet lonely shepherd wants a lady to come live with him and be his love.~~Christopher Marlowe is simply trying to capture the joy of simple and uncomplicated love.~~This sentence makes it seem as though he's failed. I'd say, "C. Marlowe's poem captures the joy of uncomplicated love" Although the shepherd knows he's not rich he will offer her all the pleasures that nature provides. ~~Then~~ later on in life he will give his love all the expensive gifts and more that will make her happy. ~~The shepherd is offering his proposal for her love throughout the entire poem.~~we know this already from the first sentence.

This last sentence is a good spot for an opinionated thesis, such as,
"Using imagery of nature, an uncomplicated rhyming scheme, and romantic tone, Marlowe offers a simple, well-meaning hero worthy of his heart's desire" or if you think he's out of his league with this girl, you might say, "The tragic protagonist of "The Passionate Shepherd to his Love" uses his simple prose and promises of a grander future to entice the woman of his dreams, though it is clear that her tastes will prevent this inauspicious proposal from success."

The key to a thesis is using what's in front of you to form an opinion, then backing it up.

Hope I've helped a bit!

LisaTheKidd

Feb 5, 2011

Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay: Description of a Flood [6]

This is really interesting! I see that you've acquainted yourself with the thesaurus, too!
You wavered a bit on the tense near the end. the piece started out in past tense and i caught an it's at the end, which would be an easy switch to "it had"

I had a bit of an issue with this sentence,
The brute started gaining velocity as it enters the town like an anxious tourist.
Again, you've got a tense disagreement between "started" and "enters," but I don't get the imagery of an anxious tourist. Does it have a fanny pack and a Hawaiian shirt? probably not. It does seem important to note that it's an interloper, but maybe you could say something like, "the intruder broke through the gates of the town as it gained velocity, engulfing another helpless villiage."

It's a very interesting description... what is it for?

LisaTheKidd

Feb 5, 2011

Graduate / Peace Corps essay #2, My foreign exchange sister, Debbie [4]

This was incredibly helpful, thanks! I've made those revisions, and edited myself a shiny new ending paragraph, but I'm a bit unsure of the transition between my experiences and my expectations; does anyone have a suggestion?

LisaTheKidd

Feb 4, 2011

Writing Feedback / Advertisements increase sales volume - not wasting of a company's time or money [3]

Hello! I didn't know that advertisements were even disputed. I like the stance you took on this essay, and I like that you used real life examples, like MJ and the elephants. I've got a few suggestions that can make this essay better.

Firstly, it looks like you're having a bit of trouble with leaving out words, and when to use an "S" at the end of a word.

Another common grammatical problem is using a passive voice, ie: "have used" instead of "use" in my experience, using stronger language is usually better, especially in a persuasive essay.

Using the first person is also an undesirable quality in an essay. saying things like, "i think," or, "i strongly believe," is redundant, because we know it's your opinion.

I've gone through just the first paragraph and added or removed grammatically imperative letters and words, eliminated passive voice, and deleted the first person. the result is a much cleaner looking essay, in which one can grasp the meaning quickly.

With the rapid development of mass media, many companies ~~have~~ used advertisements to sell their goods; it ~~has been~~is controversial whether advertisements are a waste of a company's time and money. A Growing number of people believe that it is waste to advertise products because most shoppers are aware of what they want to buy. However, ~~I strongly believe that~~ advertisements are not waste of a company's costs because they increase sales volume. Moreover, they provide consumers with product's information.

I would also think about the use of the word, "waste" it's used three times in the first paragraph, which seems a bit much. a thesaurus would be helpful here: if you're using MS word, you can get to the thesaurus by hitting shift +F7.

happy writing!

LisaTheKidd

Feb 4, 2011

Graduate / Peace Corps essay #2, My foreign exchange sister, Debbie [4]

Your success as a Peace Corps Volunteer is based on the trust and confidence you build by living in, and respectfully integrating yourself into, your host community and culture (Core Expectation #4).

Learning about foreign cultures has always been a great passion of mine. This yearning has influenced me to take courses in Japanese, Italian, and Spanish language and culture, to forge lasting friendships with people of varied ethnic ties, and maybe most importantly, to invite Debbie, a Foreign exchange student from Switzerland, to live with my family for a school year.

Living with Debbie for eight months challenged the way I regarded many American idiosyncrasies, as well as core values that I'd been raised with. For instance, Debbie could never understand why people would ask "how are you?" and walk away without hearing ... [..]

Is is engaging? should I take a paragraph to translate this experience to how I will fit in to my host community in the Peace Corps? Thanks!

LisaTheKidd

Feb 4, 2011

Writing Feedback / A study: Not being a native English teacher has been reputed as a drawback? [3]

I'm not sure that I understand what this is about. Are you doing a study to determine whether native English speakers teach English better than non-native English speakers? You seem already to have your answer. Without further information, it's hard to know what is appropriate to correct, but there are a few grammar inconsistencies to work on.

In this study I explore the belief ~~or the tendency of thinking~~ , that not being a native English ~~teacher~~speaker? has been reputed as a drawback for English teachers .The study focuses on a Hungarian English teacher who has applied and been denied~~, as~~for not being a native English speaker. ~~The responses she has got from~~ other English teachers, both native and non-native English speakers, have~~and non natives, who~~ encouraged ~~and advised~~ her to keep trying, ~~instead of loosing~~and not to lose hope.

LisaTheKidd

Feb 4, 2011

Writing Feedback / Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their teenagers [5]

I think that this is a good start. getting all of your ideas out there is important, but the organization can be improved a bit.

The first sentence doesn't really say much about your opinion on the issue, or why it is an issue. If it were me, I'd drop that first sentence and add one about your own opinion- that is, after all, why we're reading the essay.

~~Whether parents or other adult relatives should make the important decisions for their teenagers is very common for peoples' modern lives and also it is a common matter nowadays in some debates.~~ While some people argue that teenagers need guidance from their parents or older relatives, others believe that teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions.

I like the second sentence here. this is the heart of the matter- what you'll be discussing in your essay. now's the part where you should state your opinion, and the rest of the essay will be supporting your point. from what I read, the gist of your opinion is something like:

While parents will always have an important role in the lives of their teenagers, allowing them to make their own decisions is the best thing they can do to foster growth, individuality, and success.

Always try to sum up your opinion early on, people generally want to know what your paper is about before they get in too deep.

Something else that I think will really help your writing is to maintain the same tense. In some places you're using hypothetical terms, like "would" while in others we see "will." Either tense will do, but be clear about how you want to approach the topic.

Also, as a matter of opinion, I'm not a fan of when people begin conclusions with "In conclusion." I think you can just jump into the paragraph. The last sentence is definitely a run-on, as well. Try to break it up.

teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions in their lives, because through their own experiences they will be more responsible
The last bit just seems like pontificating; again, you've strayed from what you really mean to express in the essay.
I hope I've been helpful- good luck on your exam!

LisaTheKidd

Nov 15, 2010

Undergraduate / "An old piano as inspiration to join the Peace Corps" be tough with m! [3]

Here it is, another essay for application to the peace corps. I bet these recruiters get tired of hearing all the same things in 500 words or less. I'd appreciate any comments, including clarity issues, content, relevance, length, and of course spelling and punctuation mistakes. Thanks!

The dusty, out of tune piano in my mother's entryway always serves as a reminder of all the little investments my parents made for my future. Promptly after receiving the instrument, however, I lost interest in my lessons and moved on to soccer, and the piano's function became a mantle for family photos. Inside the piano bench user manuals for all of our electronics can be found, but are seldom read. Instead, Mom will ask me to fix the technical problem that invariably coincides with my bimonthly visit home. "You're in college," she'll cite facetiously, "don't they teach you how to fix this stuff?" I'll generally retort, "I'm a psych major, Mom, they don't teach us anything." The education I so easily undermine is better than most, including teaching experience, Spanish, physical sciences, and philosophy. After graduating from the University of Nevada, I can dazzle at cocktail parties and family gatherings alike. My education and experience have provided plenty of advantages, which I intend to bring to the Peace Corps and share with my host community.

Throughout my life I have been provided with all the luxuries that a kid needs. I lived in a comfortable house with my family- and occasionally friends of the family who were down on their luck. I grew up with the neighborhood kids, who played games like follow the dog on weekday nights, and as we got older, we got cars and part-time jobs folding t-shirts or making pizza. Though I wasn't handed everything, I always knew that I had a better life than most. I obviously don't expect to provide the teenagers of third world countries with used corollas, but the world's been good to me, and taking the time to offer my knowledge and enthusiasm is a way for me to reciprocate.

Most of the core expectations for Peace Corps volunteers are things I have enthusiasm for, and have demonstrated in my work with the American Cancer Society, Saint Mary's Regional Medical Center, and as a teaching assistant at the University of Nevada. My position as the event chair of the Relay For Life includes building important relationships in the university community. In my three semesters as a TA, I was a representative of the psychology department, which required professionalism under the watchful eyes of my peers. In my year volunteering at the local hospital, there were many rules and regulations to follow, many of which felt foreign. These challenges have been fairly simple to overcome.

As a Peace Corps volunteer abroad for 27 months, I'll be challenged by language barriers and cultural alienation, I will have big disappointments and setbacks, and I will at times want desperately to be at home working a desk job. However, I will endeavor to promote peace and friendship every day. I expect that as much as I will sometimes struggle, In the end I'll be the one who benefits. At the very least, I'll have something to replace the awful, out-of-focus picture of me on the old entryway piano.