cmcd
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music and Substance Abuse" - Issue of Importance Essay [7]
Thank you! I really appreciate what you've said :)
Thank you! I really appreciate what you've said :)
cmcd
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music and Substance Abuse" - Issue of Importance Essay [7]
Here is my revised copy:
--------------
Despite the many challenges I faced while aging into maturity, I always managed to keep a steady outlook on life through my passion for music. Like many nurtured under the care of a single parent, my childhood was rough. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly so no one could hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
I was heading towards the back parking lot next to the school, when I saw Andre talking to some shady-looking characters on the street corner. I approached him but he shoved me off and told me to meet him at his house in a half hour. Being naive and a bit flustered, I agreed anyway and thought about what he was doing as I walked away. I suppose that it is only through experience that one learns what a drug deal looks like. As I approached Andre's house, I heard constant laughter and the roar of a large screen projector in the living room. I entered and saw Andre and many of my friends watching TV and laughing over some sitcom. I presumed it was a get-together and I joined in merrily. As I sat down, I noticed a peculiar, sweet scent permeating throughout the room. I was unaware of what the smell was at the time, but I decided to ignore it and simply ask what Andre was doing so secretively by the school. The moment I did, however, all my friends burst out in laughter as Andre handed me a joint to smoke. Shocked by his proposal, I refused and left shortly after, reflecting on the situation for days. That was the first time I that I saw the influence of drugs on someone that I cared about. I tried to avoid Andre for the next few months, checking in when needed, but all I had learned was that he had taken a turn for the worse. Many of our friends began to worry for Andre's well-being as he shifted towards dangerous substances like methamphetamines. After many stressful hours of conversation and arguments over his decision making, Andre finally admitted to his addictions. Almost eight months after the initial encounter with marijuana, Andre was finally ready to recover.
Throughout the experience, my ideas about music and the musicians that inspired me began to alter. My curiosity beckoned me and I asked myself, "What about marijuana made Andre and other musicians like him abuse it and equate it to the enjoyment that music offered?" Although I never actually fed my curiosity, I did find the answers to my questions about drugs. These substances are an escape from the perils of reality and they can be used to make everyday life feel more enjoyable. Andre used to tell me how playing the piano was a completely different experience when he was drunk or high and, although I didn't agree with his decision to take such substances, I did find the reasoning behind why he did them. When playing music, especially in front of others, the challenge is in finding the creativity and propelling it in the right direction to create the style that is personal to the individual. When someone is incoherent because of substance abuse, the pressures of this creativity are removed from the equation and one will feel as if he/she is playing a masterpiece. However, this enjoyment is only for the ones that are blinded by the drugs and, in reality, the outcomes of these substances can cause the quality of their health and their music to suffer.
Substance abuse has been a growing issue with teenage youths and is still projected to cause nearly a quarter of all deaths in America. The influences of these substances have cost me more than just my perceptions of music but they have also taken many of my dearest friends away from me. Some may argue that drugs such as marijuana have very little or no health risks at all. Regardless of their repercussions, it is still undeniable that marijuana is a "gateway" drug and can easily cause the user to expand towards other, more dangerous substances. For Andre, what started out as a small dose of marijuana and drinking on the side, turned into heavy uses of ecstasy and amphetamines. I think it is important to inform youths at an early age about the effects of substance abuse and to take heavier precautions in reducing the methods from which teenagers can get the substances. Andre had finally decided to seek help for his addictions. He talked to his parents about his substance abuse and they went to the clinic together. I'm proud to say that Andre, my friend, has fought his addictions and can enjoy his musical passion independently, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
Here is my revised copy:
--------------
Despite the many challenges I faced while aging into maturity, I always managed to keep a steady outlook on life through my passion for music. Like many nurtured under the care of a single parent, my childhood was rough. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly so no one could hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
I was heading towards the back parking lot next to the school, when I saw Andre talking to some shady-looking characters on the street corner. I approached him but he shoved me off and told me to meet him at his house in a half hour. Being naive and a bit flustered, I agreed anyway and thought about what he was doing as I walked away. I suppose that it is only through experience that one learns what a drug deal looks like. As I approached Andre's house, I heard constant laughter and the roar of a large screen projector in the living room. I entered and saw Andre and many of my friends watching TV and laughing over some sitcom. I presumed it was a get-together and I joined in merrily. As I sat down, I noticed a peculiar, sweet scent permeating throughout the room. I was unaware of what the smell was at the time, but I decided to ignore it and simply ask what Andre was doing so secretively by the school. The moment I did, however, all my friends burst out in laughter as Andre handed me a joint to smoke. Shocked by his proposal, I refused and left shortly after, reflecting on the situation for days. That was the first time I that I saw the influence of drugs on someone that I cared about. I tried to avoid Andre for the next few months, checking in when needed, but all I had learned was that he had taken a turn for the worse. Many of our friends began to worry for Andre's well-being as he shifted towards dangerous substances like methamphetamines. After many stressful hours of conversation and arguments over his decision making, Andre finally admitted to his addictions. Almost eight months after the initial encounter with marijuana, Andre was finally ready to recover.
Throughout the experience, my ideas about music and the musicians that inspired me began to alter. My curiosity beckoned me and I asked myself, "What about marijuana made Andre and other musicians like him abuse it and equate it to the enjoyment that music offered?" Although I never actually fed my curiosity, I did find the answers to my questions about drugs. These substances are an escape from the perils of reality and they can be used to make everyday life feel more enjoyable. Andre used to tell me how playing the piano was a completely different experience when he was drunk or high and, although I didn't agree with his decision to take such substances, I did find the reasoning behind why he did them. When playing music, especially in front of others, the challenge is in finding the creativity and propelling it in the right direction to create the style that is personal to the individual. When someone is incoherent because of substance abuse, the pressures of this creativity are removed from the equation and one will feel as if he/she is playing a masterpiece. However, this enjoyment is only for the ones that are blinded by the drugs and, in reality, the outcomes of these substances can cause the quality of their health and their music to suffer.
Substance abuse has been a growing issue with teenage youths and is still projected to cause nearly a quarter of all deaths in America. The influences of these substances have cost me more than just my perceptions of music but they have also taken many of my dearest friends away from me. Some may argue that drugs such as marijuana have very little or no health risks at all. Regardless of their repercussions, it is still undeniable that marijuana is a "gateway" drug and can easily cause the user to expand towards other, more dangerous substances. For Andre, what started out as a small dose of marijuana and drinking on the side, turned into heavy uses of ecstasy and amphetamines. I think it is important to inform youths at an early age about the effects of substance abuse and to take heavier precautions in reducing the methods from which teenagers can get the substances. Andre had finally decided to seek help for his addictions. He talked to his parents about his substance abuse and they went to the clinic together. I'm proud to say that Andre, my friend, has fought his addictions and can enjoy his musical passion independently, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
cmcd
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music and Substance Abuse" - Issue of Importance Essay [7]
Thank you so much for the advice! I came back to reread my paper after letting it "settle" and I completely agree with you. I'll re-post any changes made. Again, thank you for the input :)
Thank you so much for the advice! I came back to reread my paper after letting it "settle" and I completely agree with you. I'll re-post any changes made. Again, thank you for the input :)
cmcd
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Music and Substance Abuse" - Issue of Importance Essay [7]
I may have gone a bit too personal with this personal essay so any feedback on the structure of the paper would be key.
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
---------------------
I used to have a strange outlook on life and on reality in general. Like many others thrust into single parenting, I had a rough childhood. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly enough for no one to hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
...
I may have gone a bit too personal with this personal essay so any feedback on the structure of the paper would be key.
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
---------------------
I used to have a strange outlook on life and on reality in general. Like many others thrust into single parenting, I had a rough childhood. There were days where I would feel secluded, as if on an island in the middle of the ocean. I would strum my guitar during the middle of the night, and play quietly enough for no one to hear me. Yet my emotions and my troubles would never have me resort to drugs or alcohol. Rather than abusing substances and deteriorating my health, I abused music and obsessed over it. Every now and then, I would go to my best friend's house and practice on his Steinway grand piano. Andre always had the material objects that I couldn't afford, but he was caring enough to share them with me. I still have many fond memories of playing duets with him on that beautiful piano and constantly keeping my mind focused on the elegance that is music. One day after school, however, my outlook on people and even on music changed forever.
...
cmcd
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Of Pakistani heritage, going to an American college" - Rutgers Application Essay [2]
Communities are truly complete when they have a rainbow of cultures shining over them. Throughout my life I have learned that the mere presence of diversity within cultures is not enough.These cultures must coexist and share their fascinating rituals, intriguing history, captivating traditions, delicious cuisines, and stimulating religions. (Felt like a bit of a run-on so I split them into two sentences to flow easier.)As an immigrant, I did not naturally fit in with the other school kids. I was picked as a child for my awkwardness and this was very upsetting for me. I would cry and wish that I was like rest of the kids. As I grew, however, I came to understand that I was not weird, just different, and that the other kids needed to recognize this. I decided that I would no longer sit and take the harsh comments of others and I would explain my beautiful Pakistani heritage. Comments turned to discussions about our backgrounds, which eventually blossomed into friendships. They would ask me questions about my culture that even I didn't know how to answer; their interest in my culture showed me how little I knew of my culture and religion, how little I know myself. I wanted to learn more and so I gathered research from my parents, the library, and the internet. Finally knew what it meant to be a Pakistani American and the comfort I felt was amazing. I went from being a social outcast to an active member of society and it was not enough for me to just feel this happiness. I needed to spread the awareness, and so I attempting to start the Carteret culture club, where students would share their cultural backgrounds, stories of their homeland, and celebrate holidays as whole not as separate cliques . My principle loved the idea but unfortunately our school did not have the financial aid to fund this club. This situation did not stop me from fulfilling my need to understand the others around me. I take every chance I get to learn about a new culture.
The vibrant community at Rutgers University will benefit me in numerous ways. America is a great country; it is one of the only countries in which you can find every nationality, so it would only be fitting that an American would go to a college such diversity. Upon exiting the university I will have learned to work with many types of people, a pivotal skill in the job world.
There are quite a bit of grammatical errors in the essay, most of which I tried to rectify. However, the meanings behind the essay and the examples you provide are very powerful. I think if you take a second read at your essay tomorrow, you will gain insight on the paper.
Communities are truly complete when they have a rainbow of cultures shining over them. Throughout my life I have learned that the mere presence of diversity within cultures is not enough.These cultures must coexist and share their fascinating rituals, intriguing history, captivating traditions, delicious cuisines, and stimulating religions. (Felt like a bit of a run-on so I split them into two sentences to flow easier.)As an immigrant, I did not naturally fit in with the other school kids. I was picked as a child for my awkwardness and this was very upsetting for me. I would cry and wish that I was like rest of the kids. As I grew, however, I came to understand that I was not weird, just different, and that the other kids needed to recognize this. I decided that I would no longer sit and take the harsh comments of others and I would explain my beautiful Pakistani heritage. Comments turned to discussions about our backgrounds, which eventually blossomed into friendships. They would ask me questions about my culture that even I didn't know how to answer; their interest in my culture showed me how little I knew of my culture and religion, how little I know myself. I wanted to learn more and so I gathered research from my parents, the library, and the internet. Finally knew what it meant to be a Pakistani American and the comfort I felt was amazing. I went from being a social outcast to an active member of society and it was not enough for me to just feel this happiness. I needed to spread the awareness, and so I attempting to start the Carteret culture club, where students would share their cultural backgrounds, stories of their homeland, and celebrate holidays as whole not as separate cliques . My principle loved the idea but unfortunately our school did not have the financial aid to fund this club. This situation did not stop me from fulfilling my need to understand the others around me. I take every chance I get to learn about a new culture.
The vibrant community at Rutgers University will benefit me in numerous ways. America is a great country; it is one of the only countries in which you can find every nationality, so it would only be fitting that an American would go to a college such diversity. Upon exiting the university I will have learned to work with many types of people, a pivotal skill in the job world.
There are quite a bit of grammatical errors in the essay, most of which I tried to rectify. However, the meanings behind the essay and the examples you provide are very powerful. I think if you take a second read at your essay tomorrow, you will gain insight on the paper.
cmcd
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "balance; my father did not die in a car accident" - Personal Information Essay [7]
I've changed my paper around a bit and hope that this can be my final draft. Again, any input would be really great.
I've changed my paper around a bit and hope that this can be my final draft. Again, any input would be really great.
cmcd
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "balance; my father did not die in a car accident" - Personal Information Essay [7]
If anyone else could edit my paper and give me a few ideas about how to fix the essay it would really be great. I'm getting a little stumped on what to add to it :(
If anyone else could edit my paper and give me a few ideas about how to fix the essay it would really be great. I'm getting a little stumped on what to add to it :(
cmcd
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "balance; my father did not die in a car accident" - Personal Information Essay [7]
You're right the ending was a bit hasty. Thanks for the input I think I'll need to revise my last paragraph.
You're right the ending was a bit hasty. Thanks for the input I think I'll need to revise my last paragraph.
cmcd
Nov 24, 2010
cmcd
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "balance; my father did not die in a car accident" - Personal Information Essay [7]
I really think I need help for this essay, especially my last paragraph. I didn't dwell too much over the topic and just wrote about past experiences a bit. Some critique on structure and phrasings would be greatly appreciated!
Prompt: There may personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
------------
Although I may still wish it true, my father did not die in a car accident like I used pretend when I was a child. We all keep our secrets, hopefully for good reasons. I kept my father's existence a secret from my life because I was ashamed. I did not want people to know where my father was or what he did because, frankly, I wasn't so sure myself.
It is only through my mother that I learned of what happened. I suppose he was not ready to father a son, nor was he prepared to provide for a family. That is the excuse I give myself for why he left us. It may be hard to imagine recalling memories at the age of four, but I can remember the day my father left. He gave us that same smirk that he always made and said "I'll see you on Friday, I promise," as he boarded the 7:30 train and took off.
He moved to Bangladesh that same week and, after my parents got divorced, he never wrote or called again. He never even paid for child support, which was especially difficult on my mother since she was still trying to pay off college loans. I tried to lessen my mother's burden by helping her with work and by comforting her whenever she needed it. Life was not as flawless as my innocent mind had believed, and I started to close off relationships and keep to myself. The only real comfort that I ever found was in self-expression. I picked up the guitar when I was around fourteen and I haven't been able to put it down since. The more that I excluded myself to the world, the more comfort I found in music. My grades started to suffer, but I cared the least.
It was only thanks to my mother that I found balance in my life once again. As I matured, I learned that the key to success was to take things in small doses and to never obsess over anything. I used to feel that it was my fault that my father left and that I was causing my mother all her stress. Then I found that, through balance, things seemed to appear in lighter tone. I found that I could help my mother with her work and still have time to fit my life around music and school. By the time we moved to Texas, my grades had taken a huge loss, but I was prepared to bring them up to speed.
The educational system here in Texas is a lot more competitive than the school districts I knew of in New Jersey. Competitive or not, being distracted for two years of high school can be a huge disadvantage when joining a new school. More than just grades, however, I felt as if I didn't really fit in with the society in general. After my mother got laid off from work, the last place I would have expected to be was Texas. Nonetheless, I became accustomed to the lifestyle over time and I also began to work much more efficiently. My grades started to pick up and helping my mother became less of an issue.
Although I may not have had the head-start that I wanted to achieve during the first two years of high school, I believe that I have put forth enough effort to be worthy of going to college. I know that I have the potential to be very successful in life and I hope to keep my dedication towards education burning for years ahead. At the University of Texas, I will put my best foot forward and I will not worry about personal distractions because I have learned how to control my emotions and balance my life.
I really think I need help for this essay, especially my last paragraph. I didn't dwell too much over the topic and just wrote about past experiences a bit. Some critique on structure and phrasings would be greatly appreciated!
Prompt: There may personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
------------
Although I may still wish it true, my father did not die in a car accident like I used pretend when I was a child. We all keep our secrets, hopefully for good reasons. I kept my father's existence a secret from my life because I was ashamed. I did not want people to know where my father was or what he did because, frankly, I wasn't so sure myself.
It is only through my mother that I learned of what happened. I suppose he was not ready to father a son, nor was he prepared to provide for a family. That is the excuse I give myself for why he left us. It may be hard to imagine recalling memories at the age of four, but I can remember the day my father left. He gave us that same smirk that he always made and said "I'll see you on Friday, I promise," as he boarded the 7:30 train and took off.
He moved to Bangladesh that same week and, after my parents got divorced, he never wrote or called again. He never even paid for child support, which was especially difficult on my mother since she was still trying to pay off college loans. I tried to lessen my mother's burden by helping her with work and by comforting her whenever she needed it. Life was not as flawless as my innocent mind had believed, and I started to close off relationships and keep to myself. The only real comfort that I ever found was in self-expression. I picked up the guitar when I was around fourteen and I haven't been able to put it down since. The more that I excluded myself to the world, the more comfort I found in music. My grades started to suffer, but I cared the least.
It was only thanks to my mother that I found balance in my life once again. As I matured, I learned that the key to success was to take things in small doses and to never obsess over anything. I used to feel that it was my fault that my father left and that I was causing my mother all her stress. Then I found that, through balance, things seemed to appear in lighter tone. I found that I could help my mother with her work and still have time to fit my life around music and school. By the time we moved to Texas, my grades had taken a huge loss, but I was prepared to bring them up to speed.
The educational system here in Texas is a lot more competitive than the school districts I knew of in New Jersey. Competitive or not, being distracted for two years of high school can be a huge disadvantage when joining a new school. More than just grades, however, I felt as if I didn't really fit in with the society in general. After my mother got laid off from work, the last place I would have expected to be was Texas. Nonetheless, I became accustomed to the lifestyle over time and I also began to work much more efficiently. My grades started to pick up and helping my mother became less of an issue.
Although I may not have had the head-start that I wanted to achieve during the first two years of high school, I believe that I have put forth enough effort to be worthy of going to college. I know that I have the potential to be very successful in life and I hope to keep my dedication towards education burning for years ahead. At the University of Texas, I will put my best foot forward and I will not worry about personal distractions because I have learned how to control my emotions and balance my life.
cmcd
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "financial struggles" Personal Statement [4]
I like your essay because it has an 'honest' feel to it. Here are some suggestions:
Throughout my childhood, I have dealt with financial problems. My parents came from South Korea and struggled financially because they had immigrated without anything and they had to adjust to a new, foreign culture. Moving between places, schools, and communities, growing up felt like an episode of Survivor. I didn't understand why my friends at school had the latest technology while I could hardly keep up with the previous version of the Apple iPod. Like any teenager, I had little tech obsessions, especially when stress at home mounted. My obsession was this beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera. It shot amazing videos and pictures and I always borrowed the camera from my friend. I knew better than to ask for something my parents couldn't afford and so I decided to get a part-time job after school. I found a position building and cleaning microchips for a company that manufactured radiation detection devices. On the job, my boss Raj once told me a story about his financial pressures with his own family while growing up in India. Raj always told me that working hard and never giving up would always pay off in the end. His story also reminded me of how my parents always tried to provide for me the best they could. It was then that I realized that I was being selfish, ignorant, and self-centered. My heart was conflicted with guilt and I felt heartbroken because of the way I acted towards my parents at times. It was then that I decided to do something useful with the money I earned.
I saved almost a thousand dollars and decided that I wanted to do something special and unexpected for my parents. I planned out the perfect anniversary gift for them and reserved a table for two at their favorite seafood restaurant. By the end of the day, they came up to me and gave me a hug - a warm, genuine, and loving hug. They were speechless. I felt really happy and proud of what I did because I did it out of gratitude. As an end result, I realized just what kind of person I was.
I like your essay because it has an 'honest' feel to it. Here are some suggestions:
Throughout my childhood, I have dealt with financial problems. My parents came from South Korea and struggled financially because they had immigrated without anything and they had to adjust to a new, foreign culture. Moving between places, schools, and communities, growing up felt like an episode of Survivor. I didn't understand why my friends at school had the latest technology while I could hardly keep up with the previous version of the Apple iPod. Like any teenager, I had little tech obsessions, especially when stress at home mounted. My obsession was this beautiful Canon T1i Rebel Digital SLR camera. It shot amazing videos and pictures and I always borrowed the camera from my friend. I knew better than to ask for something my parents couldn't afford and so I decided to get a part-time job after school. I found a position building and cleaning microchips for a company that manufactured radiation detection devices. On the job, my boss Raj once told me a story about his financial pressures with his own family while growing up in India. Raj always told me that working hard and never giving up would always pay off in the end. His story also reminded me of how my parents always tried to provide for me the best they could. It was then that I realized that I was being selfish, ignorant, and self-centered. My heart was conflicted with guilt and I felt heartbroken because of the way I acted towards my parents at times. It was then that I decided to do something useful with the money I earned.
I saved almost a thousand dollars and decided that I wanted to do something special and unexpected for my parents. I planned out the perfect anniversary gift for them and reserved a table for two at their favorite seafood restaurant. By the end of the day, they came up to me and gave me a hug - a warm, genuine, and loving hug. They were speechless. I felt really happy and proud of what I did because I did it out of gratitude. As an end result, I realized just what kind of person I was.
cmcd
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / My love for writing - UC prompt 2 [4]
I think you have a great essay although adding a little bit more information on how writing makes you feel accomplished wouldn't hurt. Here are just some ideas:
For as long as I can remember, I have always loved writing. My mother would watch me spend endless hours scribbling away on 99-cent notebooks with stories of "Eggbert and Friends" and "Pink Everything!" I recall telling my mother that my ultimate goal was to get one of my current books published. Reading my old stories, however, I realized how impossible that would have been. My stories were horrible! They lacked a plot, were grammatically incorrect, and included all the things that teachers would scold us about. Back then, I even used to disregard the critique that my teachers would offer. I had loved writing so much I never realized how atrocious I was at it. Prior to the realization of my own arrogance (Audacity or impudence maybe? I'm sure there's a better word that I cant think of) , my mother noticed my apparent fondness for writing, and believed that I could improve, so she enrolled me in summer courses that focused on writing. The more I wrote, the more I listened to my professors and took their advice. Gradually, my writing had improved enough that my grades even thanked me.
After finding the determination that it took to improve, I was proud of the end result - decent writing abilities. Although I might not be the next Ayn Rand, my improvements in writing and my passion for it have helped me recognize that the things I love doing most can carry me the farthest in life. After seeing how much determination and time it takes to improve, I listen carefully to the critique of my fellow peers and mentors. Taking the time to advance in something I enjoy, especially when needing improvement, allows me to use my new-found talent for my future. I view myself as someone who strives to feel satisfied with my work. I am proud to say that I still write stories, ones of mystery and fiction, only this time, with a recognizable plot and grammatically correct sentences.
After looking back at some of my corrections, I fear I may have edited too much information. Please take a look at any of the suggestions made and feel free to add any changes that you feel fit. If you do have the time, however, I think adding a little bit more about how writing makes you feel accomplished would be helpful.
I think you have a great essay although adding a little bit more information on how writing makes you feel accomplished wouldn't hurt. Here are just some ideas:
For as long as I can remember, I have always loved writing. My mother would watch me spend endless hours scribbling away on 99-cent notebooks with stories of "Eggbert and Friends" and "Pink Everything!" I recall telling my mother that my ultimate goal was to get one of my current books published. Reading my old stories, however, I realized how impossible that would have been. My stories were horrible! They lacked a plot, were grammatically incorrect, and included all the things that teachers would scold us about. Back then, I even used to disregard the critique that my teachers would offer. I had loved writing so much I never realized how atrocious I was at it. Prior to the realization of my own arrogance (Audacity or impudence maybe? I'm sure there's a better word that I cant think of) , my mother noticed my apparent fondness for writing, and believed that I could improve, so she enrolled me in summer courses that focused on writing. The more I wrote, the more I listened to my professors and took their advice. Gradually, my writing had improved enough that my grades even thanked me.
After finding the determination that it took to improve, I was proud of the end result - decent writing abilities. Although I might not be the next Ayn Rand, my improvements in writing and my passion for it have helped me recognize that the things I love doing most can carry me the farthest in life. After seeing how much determination and time it takes to improve, I listen carefully to the critique of my fellow peers and mentors. Taking the time to advance in something I enjoy, especially when needing improvement, allows me to use my new-found talent for my future. I view myself as someone who strives to feel satisfied with my work. I am proud to say that I still write stories, ones of mystery and fiction, only this time, with a recognizable plot and grammatically correct sentences.
After looking back at some of my corrections, I fear I may have edited too much information. Please take a look at any of the suggestions made and feel free to add any changes that you feel fit. If you do have the time, however, I think adding a little bit more about how writing makes you feel accomplished would be helpful.
cmcd
Nov 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother's blessing" - about someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]
Thank you for the advice! Your revisions were really helpful and I reworked my last paragraph a bit so that I could talk more about why I like my majors. I was hoping you could take a quick look at it as well:
I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value to me. My life has always revolved around the sciences, mainly because of my mother's involvement with chemistry. I would get a few opportunities to visit her lab and watch her attempt to mix chemicals and then run some tests. I do feel that same sense of belonging that my mother felt while working, whenever I place myself within the ideology of physics and mathematics. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.
Thank you for the advice! Your revisions were really helpful and I reworked my last paragraph a bit so that I could talk more about why I like my majors. I was hoping you could take a quick look at it as well:
I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value to me. My life has always revolved around the sciences, mainly because of my mother's involvement with chemistry. I would get a few opportunities to visit her lab and watch her attempt to mix chemicals and then run some tests. I do feel that same sense of belonging that my mother felt while working, whenever I place myself within the ideology of physics and mathematics. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.
cmcd
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother's blessing" - about someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]
I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some feedback on my essay. Any criticism on structure and grammar would be helpful.
Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
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It can take a lifetime to find that special person who will hold the essence of our eternal reverence in their hearts. For some, this person can be found at a much earlier age, and for me, she was unearthed the moment I was born. She has given me every opportunity to succeed and sacrificed her blood, sweat, and tears for my education. My mother has been the product of third world deficiency, drudgery, and the aspirations of success in America.
My mother moved to the US from Bangladesh in 1987, leaving behind a life filled with family, friends and customs that she had abided by. However, she also found the opportunity that America offered and she realized the severity that poverty held on Bangladesh. My mother went to college in the US, striving to become educated, successful and make her family back home proud.
It's one thing, however, to become successful by oneself and a completely different experience doing so while raising a son alone and holding two jobs. Although my mother was intelligent, her abilities were limited by these commitments and she didn't always keep the best grades. She has had to work very hard to achieve the standards that many acquire easily. Her struggles mentored her and she realized the importance that education can have one someone's life. Since I started school, my mother's philosophy has been instilled within my mindset and all I can think about is how she said "four years of education or forty years of labor, it's your life."
It is only because of my mother's influence that I decided to do my best in school and consider going to college. I recall failing tests in elementary school and skipping class because I really disliked learning. I would have preferred to stay at home, pretending to be sick, and watch cartoons. My mother explained to me the significance of education at an early age and by middle school I had changed my behavior and started studying. I remember seeing my grades gradually go from low C's to eventually A's by the time I was in high school. I live my life under her example and I know for certain that I want to succeed and do well in college so that my life can have balance and meaning.
I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value for me. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.
I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some feedback on my essay. Any criticism on structure and grammar would be helpful.
Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
-----------------------------
It can take a lifetime to find that special person who will hold the essence of our eternal reverence in their hearts. For some, this person can be found at a much earlier age, and for me, she was unearthed the moment I was born. She has given me every opportunity to succeed and sacrificed her blood, sweat, and tears for my education. My mother has been the product of third world deficiency, drudgery, and the aspirations of success in America.
My mother moved to the US from Bangladesh in 1987, leaving behind a life filled with family, friends and customs that she had abided by. However, she also found the opportunity that America offered and she realized the severity that poverty held on Bangladesh. My mother went to college in the US, striving to become educated, successful and make her family back home proud.
It's one thing, however, to become successful by oneself and a completely different experience doing so while raising a son alone and holding two jobs. Although my mother was intelligent, her abilities were limited by these commitments and she didn't always keep the best grades. She has had to work very hard to achieve the standards that many acquire easily. Her struggles mentored her and she realized the importance that education can have one someone's life. Since I started school, my mother's philosophy has been instilled within my mindset and all I can think about is how she said "four years of education or forty years of labor, it's your life."
It is only because of my mother's influence that I decided to do my best in school and consider going to college. I recall failing tests in elementary school and skipping class because I really disliked learning. I would have preferred to stay at home, pretending to be sick, and watch cartoons. My mother explained to me the significance of education at an early age and by middle school I had changed my behavior and started studying. I remember seeing my grades gradually go from low C's to eventually A's by the time I was in high school. I live my life under her example and I know for certain that I want to succeed and do well in college so that my life can have balance and meaning.
I hope to achieve the ideals that the University of Texas has set for undergraduates and I would like to study physics and mathematics so that I can learn about things that hold real value for me. With my mother's blessing, I can only hope that I will do well in a college that has a caliber held by the University of Texas.