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Posts by cvmiller39
Joined: Nov 21, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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cvmiller39   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "the underdog in a foreign country" common app statement and short answer [5]

The first essay is a good start. I don't think you fully answer the prompt and explain the INFLUENCE the event had on you. Perhaps make some of the story more concise and dedicate a few sentences at the end to explain the personal influence that you received from the experience. If you need help on this, my Princeton essay has a similar style and might give you some ideas.

"Growing up in a western society, I believed schools sought above all creativity in its students rather than discipline." The subject does not match the verb. Try: "Growing up in a Western society, I believed each school sought, above all, creativity in its students, rather than discipline."

As for the second essay, I really enjoyed it. Very direct and relatable. Well done. I would not change a thing except the aforementioned comma error.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you on your application process.
-Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / the Senior Capstone Program in Engineering, technical expertise - Why Olin? [8]

Hey guys, first off: thank you for all of your contributions. I really appreciate the help, as this is incredibly last-minute. Here is an updated version of the essay. Hopefully I hit everybody's concerns. The word limit is 500 and I am currently at 538 so I still have some work to do.

Thanks,
Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / the Senior Capstone Program in Engineering, technical expertise - Why Olin? [8]

This is my first draft of the first Olin essay. It was very difficult for me for some reason. Anyways, you guys know the drill: any comments are greatly appreciated, and I would be more than happy to read your essays in return.

Given what you know about Olin College, please tell us why you think Olin is a good fit for you. 500 words or less.

"Never heard of it," was my honest reply when asked by an uncle one year ago if I was familiar with the Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering. "You should check it out," he said. "It's this small, relatively new school in Massachusetts that only takes about eighty-five kids a year. And they pay for your entire tuition if you are admitted." Intrigued by these words, I decided to do some research of my own. I am happy to say that what I discovered upon my further investigation of Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering was a unique mixture of individuality and group interaction, and the ideal environment for me to continue my studies.

The link between individuality and group affiliation at Olin comes in the form of the Honor Code. The Honor Code at Olin makes the longevity of the college the direct responsibility of the student body. I am a firm believer in academic integrity, so I was particularly interested to learn more about the code's uses and how violations, such as cheating, are very serious affairs, and are regulated by the student-operated Honor Board. On my tour of the campus, for example, I learned how students take tests by themselves and are permitted to use outside sources for answers, so long as they are cited properly. The Honor Code holds each student to be proud of his or her own accomplishments, and I really like the way that this aspect of the code is integrated into the project-driven atmosphere of Olin. I thrive on the opportunity to lead others successfully, but at Olin, I can also see myself satisfied and equally valuable as others take charge.

Another attractive feature of Olin is its interdisciplinary conglomeration of liberal arts, entrepreneurship, and hard sciences and math. For a person like me with many varied interests, it is comforting to know that Olin can provide ways, such as the Olin Conductorless Orchestra, for me to enrich my academic and musical passions outside of engineering.

One major concern I had while searching for the right engineering school was the lack of required work experience. It seemed that each successive college I visited simply expected their faculty, student-teacher research opportunities, and classroom learning to translate successfully into post-graduate employment preparedness. Olin, however, is much different; there is no co-op or internship opportunity, or sponsored lab research, or permanent research-specific faculty. The required entrepreneurial curriculum, alongside a solid engineering foundation, assures me that I will be able to survive in the business world of engineering. Moreover, the Senior Capstone Program in Engineering (SCOPE) provides Olin seniors with a real-world problem scenario sponsored by a corporation or non-profit organization; nothing says "work experience" like the task of solving such a problem with a group of other Olin students by utilizing state-of-the-art resources, technical expertise, and realistic time constraints. I want to contribute my unique talents and leadership skills to a team of engineers, and I believe SCOPE is truly the closest thing to real, modern engineering available to a college student.

Olin is truly a unique environment for learning, and a much different take on engineering education than anywhere else in the world. I want to be a part of this community.
cvmiller39   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp) [11]

Hello again,
This essay is short and sweet. I enjoyed your metaphor for life as a video game, and it worked well in regards to your particular activities. However, your answer to the question (in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?) was not very clear to me. Are the remote and batteries supposed to symbolize your desire to continue with tennis and volunteer activities at JHU, respectively? If so, I didn't feel that was communicated very strongly. I guess I am just asking for clarification on your answer to the question. I will be able to help you out much better on revising when I understand this detail correctly.

-Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Change is good for you" - From an outsider to an insider - Supp [4]

Hey Oleh,
Once again I am gonna have to agree with the comments above me. The corrections previously mentioned are the only things I would change, although I am questioning if the word "that" in the first sentence is actually neccessary. I like it better without "that" but change "used to say" to "tell me" as suggested.

This is a really good essay. The motivation for your choice of biology is something completely refreshing and unique, to me at least. I truly felt your struggles and more importantly your calling as a biologist/psychologist.

Also, thank you very much for your comment on my essay. Good luck to you on your application process, but with esssays like this, I think you will be fine.

-Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Swarthmore, love of biology, research, liberal art education [4]

Hey ftfn,
I have to agree with the comments directly above me. The corrections MirayPhillips made are all very good and I would recommend utilizing them. I enjoy the ideas behind your essay, but the language just needs tweaked. Thank you for your comment on my essay and let me know if you need additional help.

-Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "neuroscience program interests me the most" - Johns Hopkins supplement [3]

Hey Juliano,
I have a few comments so hopefully you didn't send it out yet.

"Johns Hopkins offers a wide variety of majors to students but its neuroscience program interests me the most. Neuroscience is something that has always interested me. "

-I do not believe the first sentence is neccessary. JHU knows that it has a wide variety of majors and it doesn't need you to tell them. The essay has to be about you. The second sentence is a better start to the essay, but maybe you could add some personal touch to the end of it: a specific personal reason. An academic experience perhaps?

"There is something about how the brain functions that seems so spectacular to me. The brain controls everything we do, think, and feel and studying about how this happens is extremely intriguing."

-This first sentence can be condensed with the second. Try "There is something spectacular about the brain and its impact on everything we do, think, and feel, and studying the source of this impact is an idea that really intrigues me."

"Ever since that day I decided to become a neurosurgeon so that one day I could help someone's mother, father, or, as in my case, grandmother. I want to be able to give someone else the joy of knowing that their loved one will survive and I believe by attending Johns Hopkins I can do this."

- These are really important sentences, but they could be stronger. You need to emphasize the personal reasons WHY you want to study neuroscience. Here is a suggestion: "Ever since that day I decided to become a neurosurgeon so that one day I could help someone's mother, father, or, as in my case, grandmother; I want to be able to give someone else the same joy of knowing that their loved one will survive, and I believe through attending Johns Hopkins I can most definitely accomplish this goal."

"Johns Hopkins neuroscience program would give me the perfect opportunity to do this because it is one of the best in the nation and the nearby hospital would provide me with one of the best experiences for neuroscience. I would be able to see surgeries, talk to doctors, and my professors would be some of the greatest minds in the world in the field of neuroscience."

- These last sentences are the place to specify WHY Johns Hopkins. You want to sell yourself to their university, but you don't want to seem like you are selling the university instead. I think you just need to make the medical reasons more concise. For example, "The benefit of having professional quality medical staff and equipment within close proximity makes Johns Hopkins University is the ideal environment to pursue my studies. Additionally, the professors at Johns Hopkins University are among the finest in the world in their designated fields, and have a genuine desire to see their students become leaders in the world."

I would also add a concluding sentence to sum up all of the reasons why you want to study neuroscience at Johns Hopkins.

I hope this helps you out and good luck to you in the application process.
Also PLEASE read and critique my Princeton essay!

Thanks,
Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Why you want to study biology (discoveries) - Brown [5]

Hey grillojes,
I have just a couple suggestions on making this essay more concise.

-I, as a reader, am not "hooked" from the first sentence "It comes down to three things." If there are three factors that influenced your choice of career, I think there is a better way to phrase them in the first sentence. Something like "There have been three major factors that influenced my academic interest in biology. "

-I feel like the second half of your essay is much stronger than the first. The personal connections with your grandfather and the appreciation you have for your teacher are more emphasized than your lifelong goal to be somebody important. Maybe you could cut one or two of the first four sentences and replace it/them with a personal bit, like an example of some inventions or discoveries that you were particularly amazed in as a kid. Many high school students writing essays like this were all inspired as children in a similar way, and so as an applicant you really only have unique personal touches that can set you apart. These need to be strong and memorable and you will have a very solid essay.

I hope this helps. Please message me with any comments/responses. Also I would appreciate your feedback on my Princeton supplement essay. Good luck to you in your application process.

-Andrew
cvmiller39   
Dec 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "I absorbed Mr. Fleming's teachings" - Princeton Supplement (significant person) [7]

Hey everyone,
This is a rough attempt at my Princeton supplement. Any comments are appreciated.
1. Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

"Backhand!" said Mr. Fleming enthusiastically. My younger sister Rachel and I groaned as we prepared to perform our backhand strokes on the baseline. Against our own wishes, my parents had forced us to take up beginner tennis lessons with an elderly, exuberant instructor named Tom Fleming. "And remember this is a stroke, not a hit. I don't want to see any baseball swings!" There were so many other ways I wanted to spend the summer before my first year of middle school. I did not respect this man, Mr. Fleming, and I made sure he knew it. The techniques he taught were straight out of the wooden racquet days, and the ridiculous rules of tennis made me cringe. As Rachel and I picked up balls, I would mutter things like "this is stupid" and tell myself that I was quitting. But I was not allowed to quit, and eventually I realized that I might as well make the most of the time I was forced to spend with my instructor.

Stubbornly, I absorbed Mr. Fleming's teachings. The most immediate change occurred soon after my change in mentality: I became more physically fit and mentally stable. It was a truly fantastic feeling to be able to hit a greater number of serves without feeling as tired or mentally psyching myself out. This was also the first actual progress I had seen come from what I originally assumed was a meaningless endeavor.

As the lessons continued, I noticed that my skills were steadily improving. No longer did I have a baseball swing, or hit serves over the fence. The rallies that Rachel, Mr. Fleming, and I shared now lasted longer than a few shots. Most importantly, I was consciously aware of my actions; each movement that once was forced and felt awkward now was fluid and smooth. The game of tennis was certainly no longer a chore. It was a complete surprise when Mr. Fleming told us that we had become skilled enough to attend the intermediate clinic with his other students. Though it was initially discouraging to be in the presence of much better tennis players, the drills and practice games now took on a competitive characteristic. I knew I was capable of winning each and every point, of giving my best effort - a knowledge that I had previously never experienced.

The person responsible for my passion for tennis, and for my view on competitive interaction in all aspects of life is Tom Fleming, a man I once so passionately hated. Because of Mr. Fleming, I grew out of my insolent youth and learned to respect those around me. I learned the basics of tennis and now I was in fact capable of holding my own against better players. I had put Mr. Fleming into the farthest abysses of my memory for many years, but he has returned to my recent memory as a person who has significantly influenced me. What is unique about Mr. Fleming, someone who has made such a strong impact on my current personality, is that he never directly imposed change upon me, or pointed out ways for me to change my hostile attitude towards him or the game of tennis; I did those things myself.
cvmiller39   
Dec 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Getting off My High Horse -Common App Essay Personal Statement [4]

I really like the premise of this essay. I truly felt your passion for Dandy and your overall determination in everyday life. However, I feel that you need to strengthen the conflicts of the essay. Sentences like "Nevertheless, I wanted to train and ride Dandy," and "Despite my disappointing first horse show experience, and against the advice of my parents, I followed my passion to ride," need to be elaborated. Make sure the reader really feels the significance of the dilemma/risks. This will immensely fortify the ultimate message of the essay. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.

If at all possible, I would appreciate your comments on my Princeton essay. Thank you very much and good luck to you in your application process.
cvmiller39   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / USC -activity (the student council at school) and academic interests (business) [3]

This first essay is a very good start. I believe it can be tweaked slightly to become an excellent response.
-My involvement in the student council at school was very important to me.
The goal is to grasp the reader as early as possible. This sentence is not as powerful as it needs to be. Be personal and real.

- During the interview and application process, I carved a niche for myself by emphasizing the three "R"s which described me - realistic, reliable and responsible - words that were alien in the current council. In addition, I upheld my values tenaciously and exuded pragmatism. These were the qualities that got me accepted.

I don't think the last part of the first sentence is neccessary here. This is a personal essay. You do not want to stray from that too much. This part of the essay is a good place to highlight your skills and the actions you took. Make it especially strong. "Tenaciously" is the right idea.

-My favorite achievement was when I formed a liaison with a neighboring school's student council so that we could make joint efforts, especially in terms of environmental action. Forming this liaison involved talks with their vice principal and teachers, as well as presenting my ideas at an assembly at my own school, where we invited some students from the neighboring school's student council to talk.

My concern with these last two sentences is the shift in focus. The reader understands this is your favorite achievement, but why specifically is that the case? Is is because it was an "opportunity for leadership"? If so, make this connection stronger. That is my chief concern with the whole essay.

As far as the other essay goes, also a good effort. Just a few things:
- "the biological sciences" is a plural noun. "...the biological sciences provides provide unprecedented opportunities for field research,"
-the last sentence is a bit wordy. Try: "I would like to join the USC student organization Los Angeles Community Impact (LACI) in order to demonstrate my gratitude for the academic enrichment Los Angeles provides for me. " Something that lets them know you are thankful, but in the least # of words possible.

Hope this helps! Also please read and comment on my CMU essay!
-Andrew

Please read my CMU essay and post feedback!
cvmiller39   
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "job of an engineer" - Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay - Chemical Engineering [4]

The job of an engineer is involved in all aspects of our lives, from the roads we drive on to the food we eat. Engineers are tasked with solving the world's most challenging problems. A successful engineer has a passion for understanding how the universe operates, which is complimented by the natural aptitude for math and science. The various disciplines of engineering allow many opportunities to contribute directly and indirectly to society through life-changing innovations or technological marvels. For these reasons I feel that a career in engineering could be one of the most rewarding jobs in the world for me.

...

Any and all help is greatly appreciated. I understand the task at hand but am having difficulty putting into words my feelings on the matter.
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