Undergraduate / "I Don't Do It For the Resume"--UT issue of importance [3]

I'm looking for a tough critique on this one. I am, of course, open to any and all suggestions however big or small. I know the first paragraph needs work as it was originally intended to be somewhat satirical...

Topic B: optional (no essay on file)
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I'm a man of many talents, skills, and qualifications. The SAT and I were in perfect harmony in October as I achieved a perfect score. For the past three years, I've been a leader on the varsity baseball, basketball, and track teams. Most will describe me as compassionate as I dedicate my spare time to volunteering at a local homeless shelter. This past summer, I secured an internship with a local Congressman with hopes of one day being in his shoes. I've been studiously playing the violin for eight years now, all of which I spent in my school's orchestra.

"Y'all are just doing these things, so you'll look good to colleges."

In mid-December of my sophomore year, my friends and I were sitting around a campfire casually talking about school and life in general. Whenever school or college came up, the conversation generally went like this:

"It's so boring, but the teacher really likes me so I'll figure they'll write a good recommendation letter...plus being in it for four years looks really good to colleges-otherwise I'd have quit by now."

By no means am I arguing that volunteering to help others or being a leader in one's community is a horrid concept, but doing so without the genuine drive is an atrocity.

The yearning to be a leader on your team shouldn't come from your desire to look that much better on paper, nor should your dedication to serving others come from your yearning to have that many more volunteer hours. No, these acts should be performed because you receive a sense of satisfaction from helping others, leading others, from being an individual not driven by the grind of society.

My friends are decimated by this grind. They sacrifice their social lives, their sanity, and their friendships to have the time to build their resumes. Not me though. Thankfully, I took a step back and realized the twisted nature of their habits.

I volunteer. I am a team captain. I didn't make a perfect score on my SAT, but I came close. I do all this because I want to. I want to be the one my teammates look to when the game's on the line. I want to eyes widen as I hand the homeless man on the corner the apple from my lunch. I want to see the power of giving as families sit down to eat a free Thanksgiving meal. Everything I am, and everything I ever will be, is the result of what I want-not the result of what I think looks good on paper.

Undergraduate / "Love Thy Teacher's Beard"-person of influence essay [6]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

From time to time, I gawk in admiration at the masterpiece before me during second period. No, this is no work of art shaped and molded by the hands of tiresome men. This is the work of divinity. With exuberating charisma, flowing locks of hair, and a beard that rivals even the best of them, Brad Sharp is the most amazing man in the world.

Brad, better known as Mr. Sharp, is an English teacher at my school. Time and wisdom speckle his face with the whiskers of an unkept beard. Most students admire him for his cool, laid-back attitude that accompanies his appearance. Most girls giggle after passing him, blushing a bit, as they can't help but whisper about how attractive he is. Most, however, fail to admire him for his greatest quality as a teacher.

Mr. Sharp taught my sophomore English class. Freshman English was fairly run-of-the-mill. The rudimentary structure of a five-paragraph essay and I were acquainted, and my depth and breadth of thought were nurtured with the words of Socrates, Homer, and the like. My writing, however, still floated in purgatory between states of crude and sophisticated.

Barely legible scribbles, however, would soon prove to be my Virgilian guide to literary righteousness. Mr. Sharp is a succinct man. Unlike the frivolity of his beard, his comments on students' writing are very brief. They are sometimes hard to read, as he hastily scribbles them in the margins in blue ink, yet they get the point across. One will read "I like this" or "nice imagery" while others are sometimes limited to a simple checkmark. It's not all roses though.

Amidst the 2008 Presidential Election, I wrote an opinion paper regarding the groups of students at my school that seemingly jumped on the Obama bandwagon. I criticized their haste in doing so-joining the fan club with, at most, having read a bulleted list of his policies. The class heard my paper and I could sense the tension and emotion amongst my peers as I read it aloud. This had been my intent-to wake them up. I assumed Mr. Sharp would be pleased with such an outspoken paper, but ultimately, I was the one awoken.

He returned the paper to me, my words resting before me with their accompanying margins transformed into a sea of blue. "Develop this further" was the motif that day. I now saw it. While he did praise my ideas for being original, most were incomplete-a series of ellipses at the end of each sentence in essence.

The next year, I enrolled in his Literary Magazine class. Again, I received the checkmarks, the "I like this", and the "nice imagery", yet these also came with the "develop this further". The latter became more sparse as time progressed however, and it seemed that my writing was improving. It wasn't until two years after the distress of the Obama piece that I had completed my metamorphosis from that once crude writer.

In Sharp's Creative Writing class, I authored a piece emulating Russell Edson's style. Sharp returned it to me in its original dichromatic state, with one exception. At the bottom, in his blue penmanship, he wrote, "Good work. Submit to Litmag."

With a smile, I chuckled and shoved the piece in my backpack. Brad Sharp isn't important to me because of his beard, nor his attractiveness, although I do admire the beard and wish I had the girls whispering about me like he does. No, he is important to me because of the effect he has had on my writing. As they say, there lies power in words. This certainly is true, even if they're as simple as "good work."

Undergraduate / "I'm From Texas. No, I don't ride a horse. Yes, I speak with a drawl" CommonApp essay [4]

My response to the "significant experience" prompt for the CommonApp. Any and all feedback is much appreciated. I feel like the majority of work needs to be done in the final paragraph...

From a young age I could tell there was something different about my mother. No, she was able to tell if I had brushed my teeth, and she, like most mothers, could tell when I was lying about missing sweets. She, however, spoke differently than the other mothers.

My mother is Canadian (hence the different speech). Technically, she was Canadian. She gave up her citizenship to become an American shortly before marrying my father (a strictly American citizen), but is now a dual-citizen-like me. At age five we flew into Toronto, her hometown, and this situation was revealed to me.

By age twelve, I had my dual-citizenship, and Canada and I were close friends. I knew all her quirks (and she knew all mine), from the term "eh", to her citizens' infatuation with Canadian Tire (the Canadian version of Home Depot), to her inside jokes-particularly in regard to hockey players, the United States, and England.

Though I visit Canada often, it seems that new concepts are exchanged in every conversation-their milk system (in which milk is sold in plastic bags as opposed to containers), the United States' affection for great American hero Burt Reynolds, or any other cultural eccentricity that could arise in conversation. I learn about Canada. Canada learns about the U.S. of A.

Despite my familiarity with Canada, my adopted homeland, the Texan has held fast in me. My southern quirks and idiosyncrasies, in fact, nearly resulted in widespread panic in a small town in Southern Ontario one afternoon when I was fourteen.

"Hey y'all," I shouted as my cousin and a group of his friends walked up to my aunt's driveway. "What's going on?"

Frozen still with a dazed glaze frosting their eyes, they sat silent, staring at me in awe.

One of the fifteen-year-olds took a gulp then mustered out, "What did you just say?"-his voice cracking as he muttered out the last bit.

"Hey. What's going on?" I replied.

"No. You said 'y'all', didn't you?" he quickly retorted.

Slightly confused, I spoke slowly, with a hint of curiosity in my tone. "Oh. I guess. Why?"

"Say it again," he commanded.

"Y'all."

They all gasped. A flood of questions came regarding how serious I was when I said it, if everyone in Texas said it, how to say it, and a variety of other seemingly insightful questions for them. I had never answered so many questions for a group of Canadian teens before. My first experience of this nature tickled me to say the least.

This is one of a few incidents that displays a stark contrast between our two cultures. Canadians consistently inquire about my opinion of former president George W. Bush-even after his departure of office. The conversation, however, is difficult to carry on because of the differences in societal structure. A moderately socialist government questioning the actions of the most democratic leads to misconceptions and difficulties in explaining actions, or lack thereof, on behalf of government officials-particularly with sensitive topics such as healthcare, war, and taxation. Just as most Americans are unable to imagine an income tax floor of 15 percent, Canadians are unable to imagine their country at war.

My experiences with these issues of varying magnitude led me to realize where my future lay. I am perfect for international business. I love money. With the help of a financial advisor, I had invested in mutual funds when I was ten and nearly quadrupled my investment by the time I was fourteen. My diplomacy talents became evident as I overcome language barriers and talked politics with the best of international citizens. And to top these off, I have a vast knowledge of the Canadian language, as I know the proper use of "eh", thus making me bilingual. I do not, however, have a college degree.

(636 words)