Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Please Help :)
I was an energetic five year old who could not leave anything alone. I remember having the urge to simply figure out the nature of things around me. I could never bear the fact that there could be an object in the house that I did not know about. Ever since my first attempts at the age of three, to see what is hidden from me in a bowl and simply turning over all the food on the ground and rolling in it, I have exhibited one of my dominant qualities, curiosity.
I have always illustrated a strong interest in knowing how and why different gadgets where made, and in what ways they could have been altered and improved. As a playful, curious child, I could never accept something the way it was and had to know the story behind it. I have been known in my family for breaking my Barbie dolls, toy cars, and even approachable house appliances into pieces in order to figure out the way they were originally constructed and how each functioned. I would then attempt to put all the pieces together and create a new, improved toy, which was definitely a time consuming game in which I would hardly succeed. Since at a young age, I did not have enough information about different toys, my small beautiful dolls and cars would be ruined by the time I would finish tearing them apart. From those moments, I began to develop heightened curiosity and an infinite desire to expand my understanding and learn more.
Human beings' desire to know, has led them to all the amazing innovations and advancements in science and technology. Curiosity and my great appetite for knowledge have collectively shaped the person I am today. I take pride in this enduring quality which has created my vision to contribute knowledge to the sum of human understanding in the future. I am determined to eventually discover many new ways to benefit the society. The constant need to learn and find all the possible answers to my questions has helped my academic life flourish. However, there are many unresolved questions. I would always want to know how we all came to be and considering that my curiosity would never leave me in peace, I am determined to seek enough knowledge to answer my everlasting questions and be ready to confront all the incoming ones.
Number agreement: first attempts at the age of three, to see what is hidden from me in a bowl and simply turning over all the food on the ground and rolling in it
Spelling: gadgets where made,
"Since at a young age, I" should be "Since, at a young age, I"
Tense: "I would always" should be "I will"
The most outstanding problem I see is that the majority of this is written in the passive voice.
Instead of saying: I have been known in my family for breaking my Barbie dolls
Try saying: My family knows me to break Barbie dolls...
Describing the curiosity of a young child does not tell anyone anything about how you are now. I bet my mom would describe me similarly, because all children are like that. I don't think it is persuasive.
I have always illustrated exhibited a strong interest in knowing how and why different gadgets where made, and in what ways they could have been altered and improved. ---this is a great sentence! I almost want to suggest scrapping the first paragtraph and starting with this one.
As a playful, curious child, I could never accept something the way it was and had to know the story behind it. ---here, though, you are still repeating that same idea... over and over.
I would always want to know how we all came to be ---here is another example of something anyone could say. I think you should share ideas about recent journal articles that you have been reading... stuff related to your careers of interest.
Do not go on and on about childhood curiosity. Spend a lot of time discussing the recent developments that professionals in your fields of interest are making.
:-)
I think and considering that my curiosity would never leave me in peace, I am determined to seek enough knowledge to answer my everlasting questions and be ready to confront all the incoming ones.
