Posts by aditiji

aditiji

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton: a painter's summer [8]

"surround myself with kids every June."

So this might just be me, but I feel like the word "children" would fit better with the overall tone of the essay, rather than "kid". But again, that's just me.

"damage created by the Taliban"

Can you create damage? Just wondering. Perhaps wrought would be a better word than created?

"Working various types of leaders"

Working with?

"I incorporated 50 laps into every morning"

That sentence sounds kind of awkward to me...

Is "acquirement" a word? Sounds kind of weird to me. :/

Other than those small errors, this is a great essay! Very creative, and very illustrative. I almost feel like I know you when reading this essay - that shows how well written it really is. Well done! :) And good luck!

aditiji

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "Just a Parts List" - JHU Supplement # 1 [3]

"good way to apply the knowledge that I would learn in the classroom"

That sounds awkward to me. I think maybe "knowledge I would gain in the classroom" works better, because I think it sounds strange to say you learned knowledge.. knowledge is something you gain, not learn.

Other than that, this is a good essay. Definitely well-written. Just one thing that bothers me is that it doesn't really jump out at me. I feel like anyone could have written this essay - even me. Maybe if you made it more personal, it would jump out more. For example, the first paragraph is almost all about someone else's words. Perhaps you could add a bit more about how the quote relates to you there, rather than simply restating and explaining the quote.

aditiji

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "the cultural wonders of India in America" - MIT - the world you came from [4]

My problem with this essay is that I'm not sure if it answers the prompt properly. Is it too general?

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Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

As I sway to the rhythm of the sitars and Indian drums, the music changes to a much faster rock beat that I heard on the radio just this morning. Attempting to break dance (badly) is even more difficult in my embroidered Indian suit, comprised of a long dress called a kurta with pants underneath. At the end of this Indian-American party, I will return to my Indian-American home, where I live a life filled with the cultural wonders of India in American surroundings.

Living with two different cultures can be difficult. Often I have to weigh my Indian values against my American life. However, the cultural diversity in my life has made me a very open and accepting person, as well as one who values variety in life. This love for variety has given me a wish for a varied education, one that does not focus solely on biology. Rather, I enjoy interdisciplinary learning, especially when it incorporates sciences into the wider backdrop of current world affairs. Solving the world's problems today, such as disease, requires a broad education, and the world I come from has given me the wish to pursue such a course of action.

Though creating cures of wide-spread diseases require extensive biological knowledge, it cannot be done without knowledge of the anthropological origins of the disease and its spread. My Indian family and American life have given me this understanding, as well as the desire to follow through with this goal.

aditiji

Dec 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "Summer 2008: the massive AP English project" - Brown Supplement Long Essay [2]

Overall, this essay is very well written, but I don't think it answers the prompt. The prompt asks about a book that has inspired or influenced you. In most of this essay, you write about the book and Malcolm X's life itself, rather than the influence the book has had on you. I think if you added more about how specifically the book changed how you think, or how it influenced your future actions, the essay would be much stronger. For example, perhaps you could connect his epiphany to an epiphany you had while reading the book. Anything you want, really, as long as you focus the essay more on yourself, rather than the story of the book.

aditiji

Dec 24, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Chicago- Favorite book and author-Moby-Dick [4]

The metaphysics in this book make the book especially complex and unique and is a characteristic that sets it apart from others and is what makes it my favorite book.

That's a run-on sentence. You might want to break it up into two or more sentences.

is there a god?

Make the italicized, or with quotes or something, to make it clear that that's the question you're referring to.

Melville's unique use of character names

is also second best to none

That's awkwardly worded. Might want to change that around.

Overall, I like the idea of your essay, and it clearly describes your love for Moby Dick. I think you just need to edit it and make sure it's all written correctly, and you should be fine. :)

aditiji

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Why Yale? - Interdisciplinary approach of Health Studies [3]

I agree, I believe the second one is better. The thing with this is, there's very little space to add anything. If you feel there is something else you find more important, then add that by taking something out. But as it is, it sounds fine.

aditiji

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "How have you spent your summers?" - Princeton Supplement [6]

"In truth, my summers began with rather...ordinary beginnings" <-- That sounds redundant. I would change it to something like "my summers began rather... ordinarily."

"Within time, everyone spoke" <--- I think the convention is "In time", not "within". But I don't know, that just might be me.

Other than that, this is a great essay. I like it, and it tells me a lot about you. Well done.

On a side not... I went to COSMOS too! Lol :)

aditiji

Dec 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "Biology is beautiful; biology is deadly." - Johns Hopkins - Why Biology [9]

I think this essay is great to be a part of your Why Penn essay, but you need to elaborate a little bit more. I think if you connected your experiences and hopes to specific departments or programs at Penn, it would answer the prompt better. At this point, you have a great essay that details your love for biology, but it doesn't answer the part of the prompt about what you see yourself doing at the University of Pennsylvania specifically. I think if you made it more personalized to the school itself, it would be great.

Also, I agree with vladic007 about the overuse of medical terminology. I personally love it, but I am a bio geek myself. I think that it shows, very well, your love for biology, but I think you overuse. I think maybe if you shortened that section, it would be much better.

Please critique my UChicago essay! :)

aditiji

Dec 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Uniting the best of oth Worlds...and then some: UPenn Supplement [5]

Overall I think your essay is quite strong. The way you connected your own experiences and family life to UPenn makes the essay that much better. From reading it however, I felt that there were not too many specifics about Penn itself within the essay. For example, when you talk about Penn's Biochemistry department, you just mention it in passing, and don't go too much into detail. I feel if maybe you put a bit in there about something specific about that department in particular that appeals to you, it would be slightly stronger. Same thing for where you say "the unique, diversified campus" - that's a very general statement, which I think could be made stronger by a bit more detail about what you think is unique about Penn's campus.

aditiji

Dec 21, 2010

Undergraduate / "confessing all my idiosyncrasies" - Note to your Roommate [6]

I feel like your essay is too all over the place - there are too many things you're trying to tell us, so I get slightly confused. All your ideas are good, but I think you should focus on just a few of them, and maybe flesh them out more to give us a more in depth view at yourself, rather than trying to tell us everything about yourself in 250 words.