Posts by thindust

thindust

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Looking on objectively - Common app essay [10]

I am from Singapore too and totally agree about people-watching there ;) Secret past-time yo.

I like how I can hear you speaking through that essay. And particularly appreciate how you led the reader to wonder about the people you watched too - that's important in showing why you are drawn to this activity. Everything is looking right, but as the poster above mentioned, it needs a more powerful conclusion. If you're concerned about length (The common app doesn't have a limit but lengthy ones aren't always ideal - I am struggling to trim mine at the moment too!), I would cut down on the descriptions in the body of the essay and channel the words to the conclusion. Because the essay has already shown why you are fascinated by people-watching - right now, it can afford to show more of who you are: how has people-watching changed you? what insights other than the observations?

BTW, I totally recognise the "random people" - for some reason there is some Singaporean familiarity to it! I don't mean that in a bad way - even I myself wonder if its something that Americans/English will catch in the same way that we do.

thindust

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "A Harmonica for my 10th birthday" - Short Answer extracurricular actitivy [9]

For my tenth birthday, my dad bought me a harmonica: Small and easy to carry~~, it was~~- the ideal instrument for me. Many ~~people~~ cannot understand the harmonica. ~~Recalling~~Of the strange comments I received, ~~I think~~ most believe that a harmonicas~~can only be useful~~were meant for street performances. ~~It is true that~~ harmonicas ~~look~~are indeed great for busking, ~~but only~~(try: simply/precisely, depending on what you feel best conveys your sentiments) because they can ~~make people happy easily~~bring joy to people .

... I felt obliged to show how much I had worked on my harmonica (perhaps try: share my work with my harmonica? that will cut it to exactly 150 words) .

Somehow, music often manages to connect with ~~other~~ people's moods and relate to them. Smiling, our group exited offstage; applause following us down the hallway.

I hope this helps cut the words down a little - it now has 153 words! I really liked how your revised version emphasized on the smiles and joys the harmonica brings ;)

thindust

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "A Harmonica for my 10th birthday" - Short Answer extracurricular actitivy [9]

Many people don't understand the harmonica, ~~. Most of them~~ thinking it's ~~the type of~~an instrument useful only for ~~earning money~~busking in subways.

... I felt ~~obliged~~inclined to volunteer.

As our group exited ~~off~~ the stage, applause following us down the hallway.

Hope this helps!

thindust

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Why MIT? Why Computer Science and Technology? [4]

Thanks for your comments on my essay. I'll certainly consider your suggested revisions.

Since my first program in the 8th grade - which stored medical records for my parents' clinic - I have come a long way, building robots and websites, and carrying out investigations on the security of my school's computer network.

--- ^ the phrasing is a little awkward. I would try "My first program in the 8th grade stored medical records for my parents' clinic. I have since come a long way: building robots, websites and investigating the security of my school's computer network."

MIT's EECS program provides a great platform to experience different concentrations under UROP, such as neural networks, human-computer interaction and artificial intelligence, before homing into a specific field.

--- ^ Still does not make clear why it appeals to you. I would save the words from "neural networks, human-computer interaction and artificial intelligence" and invest the words on elaborating why being able to experience different concentrations before specialising is important to you / appeals to you.

~~On the other hand~~, TED videos and news columns from the likes of Dan Ariely, Laurie Santos and Tim Harford have triggered my interest in the rationality behind human decision-making. I ~~would~~will therefore consider doing a minor in Behavioral Economics and working with the Media Lab's Human Dynamics group.

--- ^ "On the other hand" cues the reader to a contrary view. What I believe you meant to convey was to add on to how your interest grew.

thindust

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Commonapp-How a trivial jealousy led to an epiphany on expectations in life [9]

Hello! I'm from Singapore myself! I gathered you are not local and may not have really enjoyed your time here with that jealousy you wrote about. Well, I really hope it has been a better experience so far!

I love that I could hear your voice through your essay - that's important. I can feel the jealousy and most importantly, the drive to get the better of it. However, I too agree that it took me only until the last paragraph to fully comprehend where the essay is going.

Here's my input for your last paragraph (:

There was a time when I scorned a quote that says, "The secret of happiness is not in doing what you like but in liking what you do". I thought it only taught us to settle with what we have and prevented us from realizing our full ability, and so I thought a life of jealousy was ideal. (Will be good to draw a link to how does jealousy lead to this ideal. Much like how you said to motivate. Perhaps "so I thought a life of jealousy was ideal to drive one to maximise his potential".) However, I realized that an ideal life should comprise a complex interplay of those two factors, jealousy and settlement. We need jealousy to motivate us to stretch ourselves and push for that lofty goal, but we also need settlement to give us the resilience needed to reach it. And I hope I have found that perfect combination.

I sense a bit of self-doubt as it ends with "I hope I have". It might be just me though. It's ultimately your voice, but here're some suggestions: "The perfect combination is how I shall strive to lead my life", "The perfect combination is what I had sought after", "This perfect combination shall drive me for years to come" - along those lines. Notice that my suggestions start with "The perfect combination", this is so "The perfect combination - jealousy and settlement" is brought into greater emphasis, because I think this might help end the essay on a more powerful note. I hope it still conveys what you had intended the last line to though.

Others:

Looking through the internet to find scathing Wuthering Heights reviews that would justify my boredom, I found myself instead ~~err~~ in the opposite direction.

--- ^ "Err" is probably not the right word here as it suggests a mistake in your "opposite direction". I believe you meant to convey "I found myself instead mistaken" or you can also try "I have instead found myself immersed in a world (pardon this, it is clearly not the best word here) different from what I had expected"

I was scouring the internet to find ways to improve my emotional faculty
--- ^ I am not clear what you mean here.

Therefore, I set off on my new quest: to gain as many life experiences as possible. This quest has been fulfilling. Naturally , I grew increasingly interested in novels and the arts.

--- ^ You might want to draw the link. eg "I set off on my new quest: to gain as many life experiences as possible, to connect myself to these novels". Otherwise it is hard to see how "naturally" comes about. I can see what you wish to put across, though it takes some deciphering through that awkward phrasing. I would try "My interest in novels and the arts grew as I became increasingly connected with them" after drawing the link as mentioned above.

thindust

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "top ten students of Physics, Chemistry and Advanced Mathematics II" - my statement [3]

I believe what NUS is looking for is an essay-form statement rather than a resume. Take a look around the application form (as I am not quite familiar with NUS' international application forms) if they have another area for extracurriculars/achievements/resume-style input field. What they are seeking is much like what you have at the bottom half of your write-up to elaborate on each of them rather than list them.

Physics graduates are in great demand, ~~both in~~as Physics play an instrumental role in educating the coming generations (about what?) and deepening our understanding of the nature. I may not be as gifted as Albert Einstein, but I believe with my perseverance and (do you mean in endeavor?) endeavor, I can ~~thrive and later~~ contribute to the community ~~either by~~through teaching or research~~ing~~ . NUS is renowned for its outstanding engineering courses.

As engineering involves applications of Science laws primarily in Physics, I can also provide consultations and suggestions to further improve your engineering excellence if I am given the chance.

^ I am not too sure what this means actually, the 2 parts of the sentence does not seem to link.

thindust

Dec 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "It started with multiple sclerosis" - Northwestern Supplement: In tandem [2]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

It started with multiple sclerosis. To be precise, it was scientific literature research on multiple sclerosis as part of my immunology module that first drew me to Northwestern. The journal paper received much coverage for reporting the effects of stem cell transplants in treatment for multiple sclerosis; I was immediately fascinated. It did not take long before I decided to understand what other research the lab was engaged in. What greeted me seemed a world of opportunities that pulsed in the same rhythm as my heart in pursuit of knowledge and growth in character.

Apart from having a rigorous and exciting liberal arts curriculum, being engaged in the beautiful city of Chicago with its rich culture, being to home to a stellar student advising system, having the bulk of the faculty involved in teaching and welcoming a whole range of clubs and societies, what is important to me is that Northwestern will walk with me in tandem.

In Northwestern's undergraduate research site, the challenging yet rewarding nature of research was described with a frankness and genuineness with such parallel with my sentiments while a research student as USDA. No glamorizing of being in the academic forefront, no superlatives of groundbreaking discoveries - just honest and sincere in describing the demands and gems of involving oneself in research. Research, especially while juggling a core curriculum as I had experienced in my final year project, can sometimes be grueling and intense; a quest for answers may sometimes mean bartering hours of sleep or another mount of publications to analyze. Research makes you think creatively and critically at the same time, adapt, apply, create, and above all, learn. I have learnt, also, that research is not everyone's cup of tea and thus a student should know well what to expect in research before committing oneself. The rewards of research are not often tangible or easily defined, but it is real and it is stimulating - Northwestern is honest about that. With a tone down-to-earth, Northwestern echoed my feelings towards research; we were on the same frequency. I fully intend to take up the challenge of research alongside my intended major in an institution that is just as excited as I am about the myriad of opportunities available. I want to acquaint with unsolved problems with mentors whose intentions are to stretch thinking. I look forward to a stimulating, rigorous academic environment in an institution that encourages academic inquiry while supportive and honest about the demands of each commitment. That institution rings Northwestern.

Walking alongside with ideals in education, I appreciate Northwestern's commitment to the community through special programs like the Service Learning Certificate Program. Having grown a lot through being involved with the community, I could see how service learning can transform a person's spirit. One thing that I found lacking in my service learning experiences in high school was deep facilitated reflection in a group setting. Reflections were mostly independent, but in the rare cases where I got the chance to engage in reflective sessions with my peers, I had found myself learning so much more. Only as one grows more, can one give more. As such, it makes me all the more appreciative that Northwestern holds reflective seminars in high regard in the program. What is important to Northwestern in service learning is precisely what I believe is essential; we are singing in the same voice.

My opportunities will be boundless at Northwestern, and I am certain I will take each of them with pride, ambition and heart. My passion and my drive are fueled by the thrills of the biological sciences. Right now, I cannot wait to enter the laboratory in gloves of Purple.

Hey there! Here is my Northwestern Supplement essay. I hope to have some help with improving a) grammatical issues b) cohesion. I am having some trouble thinking of how to end off, seeing that the last 2 paragraphs are quite awkward in transition!

Thank you so very much for your help!