Hi anyone can help me edit/critique my commonapp essay？ I a little pressed for time here:(
Please be harsh on me , don't console me or try to make me fell better in anyway haha thanks everyone! your help is much appreciated!
Here goes:
Looking on objectively
Through the panelled glass door, I can see that the brawny boy is working hard in the gym, alternating between the chest press, leg press and biceps-training machines, while sneaking occasional glances at the full-length mirror in front of him. You know the way people like to look in the mirror when they work-out, either because they want to see their muscle-toning at work, or because they find themselves too irresistible not to look at. I believe that the teen belongs to the latter. Flexing his muscles, he looks at himself admiringly in the mirror, I can almost imagine him thinking, 'Hmmm I look so damned good.' Okay, maybe not. Sitting outside a crowded gym, I am currently doing my favourite activity: people-watching.
I live to people-watch. I think God intended for me to people-watch. This is because God gave me the perfect physical appearance to people-watch. People-watching is a profound art; it is not easy to master. Firstly, you have to be unobtrusive to the environment; pretending that you are a piece of furniture would help. This reiterates my point of having the God-given perfect physical appearance. I am neither extraordinarily beautiful or ugly, nor extraordinarily tall or short. Hence I can blend in with the crowd if I want to. The last thing you would want is for others to catch you in the middle of observing them - that would be really creepy and awkward. Secondly, the ultimate fun in people-watching is guessing the story behind each person by observing their dressing, mannerism, conversation and last but not least the 'chi' or aura they emit. Have you ever come across a person where you instantly think, 'I could be friends with him/her,' without any obvious reason? Well, the art of people-watching is built on that aspect.
We are constantly observing people, both knowingly and unknowingly. Everyone does that. This is because curiosity is an innate quality. However, we people-watchers try not to be judgmental and critical. By observing the body language and physical appearances, I could learn a lot about the person. Observing someone is like trying to solve a riddle, I would find myself thinking, is he happy /sad? Is he tired? Is he lonely? Is he bored? Taking the boy mentioned above for example, at first glance I may group him as a typical jock, with average grades, and is more developed in the physical department than the intellectual one. But if I would look closer, and then I realise that he is wearing a school shirt that carries the name of a really good school, or the affectionate way he talks to his mum on the phone. I start to think that maybe he is more than what he appears to be; maybe he has developed proportionately both physically and intellectually. This leads me to believe that human beings are complex and they never are truly the way they appear. That is precisely what entices me about people-watching. Observing people is like reading a book with missing pages; we see the world in their eyes, we see what they see, we hear what they hear, and we look where they are looking, and then we feel their story with a little creativity added in.
I think the most fascinating in the world is people. Growing up in a multi-ethnic country like Singapore certainly adds more excitement to everyday life. The odd mixture of many cultures/races blended in this small country just makes me even more interested in people. The many ways different people communicate, behave, walk, react never fail to entertain and intrigued me. How amazing is that no two individuals are the same! Not only do I like to observe people, I love talking to them as well. I love just chatting up random strangers beside me in places such as supermarkets. Talking to them helps me get an even more complete picture of the person, and it feels as if I am getting an answer to the riddle. Everyone has a worthy and inspiring story, and it is up to me to discover. This is the beauty of people-watching.
By observing the world around me, I understand the world and myself alike. Through my many years of people-watching, I have learnt to see myself more objectively. As I have observed others, I observe myself as well; not through my own eyes but through the eyes of outsiders.By seeing myself through other's eyes, I am completely honest with myself. Instead of hiding my flaws and handicaps, I try to embrace them. I am not completely there yet, but I am constantly improving, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and more confident every day.
I believe that the lessons learnt from people-watching will allow me to go far in life. I have learnt a great deal about what life is really like and to respect each person's own way. I am more sensitive to feelings of others around me and I think this is an indispensable skill to acquire in life. I believe that in order to thrive in today's person-centered society-- a society that is designed around the needs of human beings; acquiring a high EQ (emotional quotient) is essential. From people-watching I have also developed a passion for people and interacting with people. I believe that the United States is the best place to cultivate my interest in people as it is a hotspot of people and culture.
People-watching has entertained me and enriched my life. As long as I continue to people-watch, I will never stop learning.
i love the idea of your essay but i didn't like the fact that you asked so many rethorical questions that after awhile it just drain your essay and made it bland. Also is this suppose to be a personal statement, if so it should more story like and focus on one thing describe more vivdly and with more details its impact on you.
I am from Singapore too and totally agree about people-watching there ;) Secret past-time yo.
I like how I can hear you speaking through that essay. And particularly appreciate how you led the reader to wonder about the people you watched too - that's important in showing why you are drawn to this activity. Everything is looking right, but as the poster above mentioned, it needs a more powerful conclusion. If you're concerned about length (The common app doesn't have a limit but lengthy ones aren't always ideal - I am struggling to trim mine at the moment too!), I would cut down on the descriptions in the body of the essay and channel the words to the conclusion. Because the essay has already shown why you are fascinated by people-watching - right now, it can afford to show more of who you are: how has people-watching changed you? what insights other than the observations?
BTW, I totally recognise the "random people" - for some reason there is some Singaporean familiarity to it! I don't mean that in a bad way - even I myself wonder if its something that Americans/English will catch in the same way that we do.
Hi thanks for ur critique！ I'll try to work on that and will upload revised piece soon! meanwhile everyone free free to crticise my essay!
btw essay is under topic of my choice
ps. thindust hi! which school are u from applying for fall 2011?
haha the random people seem familiar because the boy in the 1st para is actually someone i saw at my condo gym lol
Hi people i have revised and polished my essay, hence here is draft 3. does anyone know how to remove the 1st draft up there? Anyone in the christmas giving spirit to furthur critique my essay? Any form of constructive criticism is welcome! Thanks people!
I got to say this is a good essy, but I think it kind of not fit the topic of Looking on "Objectively". try to amend the essay a bit so that at the end it reinforce the topic.
I realise my essay has more of tell than showing of my personal chracteristics? any idea how to change that? Also, is it good to specify what major i want to study? because some schools i'm applying to do not actually offer them
^^^ any advice? deadline is looming:( i really need some help here! Mod? anyone？
Okay nobody is responding:(
I just need a small little advice here! PLEASE?
shld i delete this paragraph completely?
I believe that the lessons learnt from people-watching will allow me to go far in life. I have learnt a great deal about what life is really like and to respect each person's own way. I am more sensitive to feelings of others around me and I think this is an indispensable skill to acquire in life. I believe that in order to thrive in today's person-centered society-- a society that is designed around the needs of human beings; acquiring a high EQ (emotional quotient) is essential. From people-watching I have also developed a passion for people and interacting with people. I believe that the United States is the best place to cultivate my interest in people as it is a hotspot of people and culture.
I feel that this is a bit redundant and awkward? Please please help me out here(with a cherry on top!)
Yes, delete that paragraph! Well, that is what I would do, but I often do foolish things... still I think it should be deleted. I like your theme a lot, but that paragraph is sort of meaningless and redundant as you expect. When a reader reads those sentences, nothing really new is learned, and no new insights are discovered. Also, I hate the words "I believe" in an essay, because it is always better to just state when you believe instead of adding those words.
Here is another suggestion:
I live to people-watch. I think God intended for me to people-watch.
:-)
