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Posts by jshah
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 29, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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jshah   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / History + United world + Greg Mortenson - NYU supplement [7]

I'm not sure.. But it sounds better.
If you are pressed for the word limit.. maybe you should stick to it'll
Hope this helps.

And if you could take a look at my new NYU Diversity essay it would great!

Thhanks.
jshah   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / History + United world + Greg Mortenson - NYU supplement [7]

History was always fascinatinghas always fascinated me.Later I realized that the main part of it is politicsI would rephrase that sentence . I started to watch news(might not be necessary) got into political science program in local university, applied for exchange program and successfully finishedcompleted it.Politics makes the world move and I want to be martpart of that movement.My dream is to be an ambassador of my country,and NYUAD will be the 1stfirst step in itto my goal/dream . While building cross-cultural relationships with students,I'll build skills of diplomat that'll help me in the futureNot sure how it fits .

NYU shows that the world'sis united

In every global site of NYUEach of NYU's global campuses/sites

It'll--> It will

I would bring Greg Mortenson, a person who provides peace in Middle-East by building schoolsproviding education(?) , to my hometown, Kazan.

Overall very well written essays with good ideas and insight :)
jshah   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU- Diversity at its best, it opened my eyes to the ignorance that blinded me [6]

Thanks for the suggestions!

I made a few, well maybe not a few.. but a lot of changes, and produced the essay below.
Any feedback.. good or bad is appreciated. (don't hesitate to be harsh!)

A few questions: Should the comma be a semi-colon or something else? It just doesnt feel right.
Annd.. Is the personal example okay?

Thank you... and I will look into your essays :)
jshah   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU- Diversity at its best, it opened my eyes to the ignorance that blinded me [6]

NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

NYU is the epitome of diversity. After migrating to the United States, the diversity in culture opened my eyes to the ignorance that blinded me by solely learning about cultures only through my textbooks. Having the privilege to learn beside a diverse population will challenge me and make me a global citizen. I will become well-rounded and extinguish the ignorance that surrounds me, an opportunity that will help me in the field of business by helping me understand people better.

I do not understand this part of the question: How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

If someone could check if I addressed that question in my essay. =)

Thank you!
jshah   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / BERMUN: Personal Statement: My passion for MUN [5]

My interest in International Relations has developed steadily throughout my life, rather than having been ignited by a single event, an experience or even a person. It has developed naturally I would add a little more detail about your passion here. Something that shows how you fostered your passion, influences or maybe your future plans?

Lovely essay.
The flow of the essay is good and the last part (rephrased) sounds better.

Good Luck.
jshah   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Babson Letter- "I am different!" [5]

Thankyou all for the feed back!
I will most certainly make the changes suggested.

Thankyou :)
jshah   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Babson Letter- "I am different!" [5]

Write a letter to your first-year roommate at Babson. Tell him, or her, what it will be like to live with you, why you chose Babson, and what you are looking forward to the most in college

To my future Babson Roommate,

First, I would like to extend my sincere congratulations to you for being accepted into Babson College. Attending Babson has been my dream ever since I moved to the States-an all business school that will help me focus on my career amongst people with who share the same goals as me. Going to Babson is a great opportunity and hopefully together we will make the best of it.

I was raised in an Indian family where every member became either an engineer or doctor and I utterly shocked my parents when I chose to pursue a degree in the field of business. After shifting my interest in career choice numerous times, from being a scientist to a radio jockey, I chose marketing because of its inevitable nature in everyday life. Marketing is essentially about convincing people of one's point of view. Marketing is my passion because it intrigues me on various levels-psychologically, socially and economically. I hope to that I can take this passion to the next level, here at Babson.

At Babson, the one thing that I look forward to is the diversity of campus life. The mix of American and international students provides a perfect blend and learning environment. Furthermore, being amidst students who have similar goals is an experience I am truly looking forward to. High school is a mixture of a variety of people with different goals and moving onto college unites people with the same goals to achieve success more efficiently.

It is quite evident that sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students, but hopefully my experience in this aspect will make the transition easier for both of us. I have lived by myself before in Malaysia and Thailand, and look forward to starting a new adventure with you at Babson. I migrated to the United States a year ago, so I will come across very different compared to the average teenager in terms of my mannerisms and, of course, my accent.

I have always wanted to live in a dormitory-a desire inspired by the vast amount of Enid Blyton books I read when I was younger. I have a very competitive nature which drives me to achieve my best. I love being gregarious which helps me because of the nature of my profession and the multiple interactions with people. I do have to warn you that I am not very good with time which is why people usually provide me with a half-hour cushion; but I am working on that. One more thing-I am a shopaholic! I cannot stay away from the smell of newly boxed shoes, tinkling earrings reflecting light from the store, the smooth fabric of dresses on display or the big bold signs that spell S-A-L-E, pulling me toward the store involuntarily.

This letter only reveals the tip of the iceberg; the whole will be revealed when we meet to begin our first year in college. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,
Jesar Shah

This is a letter to a future babson roommate. My question is: Is the style of writing i employed alright? And is the content relevant to the prompt?

Any other feedback is appreciated.

Thankyou :)
jshah   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Traveling to India" - experience Common App- question [3]

The beginning of the essay is very vivid and interesting.
If you want, you could include how becoming a neurosurgeon wil benefit others as it will give a more insightful feel to your essay.

Overall a fantastic essay!

Good Luck :)
jshah   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Open Gym at the Roseville PAL" - your extracurricular activities, work experiences [4]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum):

Open Gym at the Roseville PAL was my first experience with community service and work. As a youth leader at the Police Activities League involved looking after children who attended the day camp to stay out of trouble and spend their time doing something more productive. The children I met came from all walks of life, with different stories and backgrounds. One child I connected with on a personal level was Alfredo, a young Mexican boy. Alfredo was constantly bullied by teenagers due to various reasons, and that was when decided to defend him and be his friend during his days at PAL. The experience at PAL helped me learn that a little help goes a long way. I helped various children, besides Alfredo, overcome difficulties by lending an ear or a helping hand. Working at PAL made my first experience with community service truly worthwhile as I felt the work benifitted my community by making it a better place.

I'm not really sure how to end it.

If you could help with that, and also check the content to make sure it's alright.

THank you :)
jshah   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: Prospect of Discovery/Diversity/Male Dancer [3]

For the first essay, I think you should include how NYU CAS would help you in your intended career.
The second one is quite flawless.
In the third one, I would do the following:

I would bring my grandfather to the stage in which he watched me perform. He shaped my life well beyond my years of dance. On that stage I would share with him pure gratitude. It is because of his efforts of reassurance that my confidence grew. He shaped my life well beyond my years of dance.

I just feel like it ends too abruptly
jshah   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "My education took place in Dubai, UAE," - NYU Essay #1 [5]

Alright.. I revised it.
Hope it sounds better.

And does it aptly answer the prompt?

My education took place in Dubai, UAE, which fueled my interest for marketing and business. Dubai has transformed into a trading hub and tourist destination, supported by marketing. Growing up in that environment invoked a strong passion for marketing. Marketing is an inevitable part of human life as we are always trying to convince people of our view, which is how I have grown up. At NYU Stern, I will gain professional skills needed for the marketing world, and impact it in a positive way.
jshah   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "My education took place in Dubai, UAE," - NYU Essay #1 [5]

This is the essay for the first prompt:

Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

My education took place in Dubai, UAE, which fueled my interest for marketing and business. Dubai has transformed into a trading hub and a tourist destination, supported by marketing. Growing up in that environment led me to form a passion ...

I don't think it's very good, but i have a few characters left that i could squeeze in if you have any suggestions

Thank you :)
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