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Posts by mrrunningforfun
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 28, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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mrrunningforfun   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "RUN" The prospect of running cross country and track in high school - Essay on Risk I have taken [4]

"RUN" Common APP-Feedback

BEFORE YOU READ!!! I would very much appreciate if someone would be willing to rip my essay apart, rather I would really like it if several people revised my essay and then went back and forth on which revisions were the best. I know I am asking a lot, but lets not be shy, many of you out there are extremely bright and love editing for sheer enjoyment. I will be your victim! Bring your red pens and disheveled scraps of loose-leaf and go to work. BTW I am applying to NYU...I would most certainly break down and cry in front of my parents if I got in. Please Please Please Help me get in. Thank you...but only if you decide to help the cause. LOL jk kind of.
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / [Site Council] - Common App Short Essay [3]

I began to appreciate the positive difference a subtle change brings.

To me, this is the best part of your short answer. I am also on a site-based management team. I would focus less on the semantics of who makes up a site-based team and "what" they do and more on the uniqueness of your specific team's efforts in your school.
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't, I'm Mormon" - extracurricular activities [6]

I may never see an r-rated movie and my Sundays and much of my free time may be consumed, but because of my being a Mormon I am now able to water-ski, speak in public, prepare a speech of the cuff, sing (well, to an extent), play the cello, and lead a group of my peers.

Religion may not seem like an "extracurricular activity", but my church has allowed me to participate in more activities and volunteer work than if I were to join every club my high school has to offer.

Here are just a couple of suggestions to cut down on the word count. I think you have an adequate number of details/examples. BTW:Topic is great.

Good Luck!
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "RUN" The prospect of running cross country and track in high school - Essay on Risk I have taken [4]

I would appreciate any and all feedback..the harsher the better.

RUNNING - Describe a risk you have taken.

On paper, the value of risk is measurable and therefore requires thought and precision. However, when applied to life the outcomes of risks become hazy; the negative possibilities tend to play on our vulnerabilities. Often times, the fear of uncertainty causes people to remain ignorant to the potential positive effects of taking a risk. To combat this "fear of uncertainty" I developed a skill; I regularly used logic when faced with tough decision rather than allowing my emotions to cloud my judgment. I firmly believed that the use of reason alone would enable me to make the most decisive decisions possible.

"Run." The prospect of running cross country and track in high school weighed heavily on my consciousness. The remarkable reality of high school was glaring enough, but the idea of a daily commitment and exhaustion became overwhelming to me. Could I in due course, become a high school senior who would not only grow to become a young adult, but also develop into a successful athlete? Or, would my risk taking lead to my downfall? Would my athletic abilities pale in comparison to my desired expectations? The insecurities surrounding my athletic skills and my heavy reliance on reason stood as a major deterrent, which ultimately kept me from participating in the first season of cross country.

It was not until I chose not to run cross country that I realized my method for making decisions was flawed. My emotions was not clouding my judgment, but rather my logic was overshadowing my instincts. Do not knock something until you try it; a simple rule: yes, but like many lessons we must come to these worldly conclusions in our own time. The first day of spring track remains at the forefront of my mind every time I glance at our track. Rain began to pour down on us just as practiced commenced. The workout was eight two hundreds and I was anxious to start. I lined up on the starting line with five other runners, also freshman. We came around the bends in packs, our arms flailing with inexperience, some more than others. Sweat and rain mixed streaming down our faces. By the end of the workout we were overwrought with exhaustion, our legs looked worn and fragile and our breathing was heavy and hoarse. It was my first day of practice and I had already wanted to give up, but I knew only time and effort would tell if I had made the right choice.

Was the risk of failing worth the value of the end result? I have become the runner, the scholar, the person, that I had longed to become years ago. My accomplished high school career as a track and cross country runner was my desired result; it was the outcome that I wished for. However, the truly unexpected value of the risk I took as a freshman ended up being the friendships that came along with running on my team. They were the same kids who stood next to me on the day of sign-ups, attempting to weigh their options just as I had. I had only considered myself when I chose to run track, if I had added my teammates in this complex formula for making a decision, it would have ceased to be a risk, but rather the opportunity of a lifetime, and that is exactly what it was. I learned to become part of the process for others. I shared the fears, the uncertainties that I had as a freshman with my younger teammates. So when those freshmen ask their captain the same questions I had asked myself, I respond "Run."

It is the balance of logic and instincts that I am most proud of. Reason-, taught me to generate conclusions based on rational thinking, while my instincts taught me to go with my gut, to rely on my feeling even if I did not feel comfortable doing so. Understanding this balance has been a worth while discovery. My refined way of thinking and handling situations has fostered my capabilities as a leader. I now know that the impact of my experience will be applicable to the new challenges and obstacles that stand to come, as I venture to new places.
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "inspired by my parents' life story" - MIT Describe the world you came from [3]

who have revolutionized the world

I will dedicate my life to great achievements in the field of science and technology and make contributions to the world.

Too vague.

My dream was inspired by my parents and I believe that through following my family's tradition of diligence and persistency, I will achieve my dream in the future.

I would elaborate on what your "dream" is rather than just calling it "my dream."
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "My cousin" - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? [9]

I can see that attending Syracuse University has had an enormous positive impact on her.
I would elaborate on this "impact."

Based on my cousin's opinion and my own research, I can tell that SU is the perfect school for me.

I would omit this part of the sentence and think of something a bit more substantial.

Prior to my research on Syracuse, the only thing I associated with the university was its lacrosse team.
Research is vague.

Syracuse University has the perfect blend of academics and extracurricular activities, which is exactly why this school is perfect for me to complete my undergraduate studies.

I would end with something more meaningful...this ending, for lack of better words is too "nice."
mrrunningforfun   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: Prospect of Discovery/Diversity/Male Dancer [3]

I would appreciate any feedback.

Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

It is the prospect of discovery as well as my work outside of school that has drawn me to NYU's CAS. Psychology has developed as an independent scientific discipline more recently in relevance to our world's other assorted sciences and therefore its potential of breakthroughs is both high and intriguing. Working in childcare I have observed the beginnings of the human thought process, which has genuinely bolstered my desires to understand the human mind.

NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

Many people feel comfortable choosing what is most familiar to them, and most live their lives content with this choice. For me, a life fulfilled is one that pushes me outside the comforts in which I have grown accustomed to. The University is not walled off from the intricate character of the city that its students learn to call home, but rather welcomed by the world; as it facilitates and fosters diversity. The atmosphere that NYU so organically fosters would very simply allow me to climb beyond the walls of conformity that I have grown into.

If you had the opportunity to bring any person - past or present, fictional or nonfictional - to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc.), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

As a child I struggled with conflicting passions. Dancing, was an outlet like I had never known, while playing soccer was the foundation in which I built friendships. Soccer, unlike dancing was deemed socially acceptable by my childhood friends. My grandpa, however favored my success in dance because he more than anyone knew how much I truly loved it. If afforded the opportunity, I would bring my grandfather to the stage in which he watched me perform. On that stage I would share with him pure gratitude. It is because of his efforts of reassurance that my confidence grew. He shaped my life well beyond my years of dance.
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