Undergraduate / "Green Tea?" Activity Essay, the most personally significant contribution [2]

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I need help editing this. It has to be 250 words but it is already 344 words. Please provide me with gramatical corrections and your opinion. Your help is much appreciated!

In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities.

"Here is your green tea," she said. I stared into her eyes trying to decipher where she got the idea that I would have wanted this. Everyone else was drinking English breakfast tea. I wanted to tell her I wanted the same. But what else could I do without making a scene? I accepted the green tea from my 8th grade teacher, just as I accepted all the Asian stereotypes people used to define me all throughout my years at school. I could not wait until high school to start a new beginning where there would be different people who would understand my culture. Yet to my surprise, I found myself in the same situation being one of the only seven Asians at my high school. I came to the realization that there was only one way to put an end to my dismay--through my action. My distinction was my Filipino heritage and I decided to use it to my advantage by contributing to my school. After much hard work, I founded and became the president of the new Asian cultural club-an accomplishment in which I take much pride in. The aim of my club is to provide awareness to the whole student body about the rich, exotic perspective of live that is Asian and Pacific Island culture. Each time we meet, a new country's culture is uncovered through slideshows, videos, show-and-tell and food. We hold discussions examining colonialism and immigration. Occasionally, we go on field trips to museums and Asian festivals. Inspired by GMU's Filipino Cultural Association's performances I have attended, I plan to have the club learn and perform traditional Asian dances later this year. I strive to make the club very active in the school community so to be able to develop a new eye-opening perspective of what it means to be Asian. Already, my club is flourishing with interested students, both of Asian descent and non-Asian descent. This experience of starting and directing a club made me realize the potential I have when I am true to myself.

Undergraduate / "Frozen Yogurt is in my Future!" Why Business? Essay [2]

Hi guys, could you give it a look? Im having trouble with fluidity and its a bit too long. Any help or opinions are appreciated!! Thanks in advance!

APPLICANTS TO THE Georgetown MCDONOUGH SCHOOL OF BUSINESS: Briefly describe the factors that have influenced your interest in studying business. (approximately one page)

Sweetgreen: Frozen Yogurt with an organic twist. It's another Wednesday, and the yellow sweetflowmobile arrives on my campus yet again, attracting sleep deprived students who need their "all-natural, farm-fresh" sugar-fix. Classmates who are willing to cut a good twenty minutes from their lunchtime hurry to join the mile long line. As I watch the raw scene of indulgent teen consumerism in disbelief, I question myself: How does this business thrive? Is it because of exploiting teens like me? My mind lingers on...

How does it sell for five dollars? Back in the slums of the Philippines, this product will never sell. It is too expensive for the common person. Fifty cents is about how much they would spend for a meal. Also, they have more popular choices there. I can still picture that building-sized leg of chicken adobo plastered on a Max's Restaurant billboard.

How did it become so popular then? I have not seen one Sweetgreen advertisement. I guess food does not need advertisement. Food itself attracts all. Providing food was my strategy for swaying more students to join my Asian Cultural club. Since then it has been growing, just like Sweetgreen's consumers. If the first taste makes an impression, it should be passed around by word of mouth.

But then why are we so in love with organic products? "Better for the Environment! Better for People!"Yes, it is a trend right now. Being preservative-free, sustainable, and containing less calories make it have a high utility. That is how my Haruma Kenyan service club raised over 1,000 dollars this year. Our decision to invest on an expensive natural product to sell was a good risk.

Where did they buy that yellow truck? It runs without a generator, making it consistent with its philosophy of "a better world." It is important to be consistent. I remember the irony when I visited the Philippines. There were rows of dilapidated houses outside the district of tall rich corporation buildings. I was distraught by the polar differences between neighbors. These huge money-burning conglomerates that advertise themselves to be humanitarian have done little to help. I believe that it is the business' responsibility to accept moral leadership since they influence the society more than any other public institution.

Frozen yogurt has been used several times, can I think of something better? Something that can top their eco-friendly cutlery and healthy yogurt and salads. Something that takes all of their ideals and raises it to a whole new level. A product that would be global and world friendly. A product that could help me find a solution for a better Philippines, a land so distant yet I love so much. Probably not right now. All I know is that it is my ultimate goal in my life to-

I am interrupted. My friends who have just received their yogurt sit down to join me. Their fatigued faces vanish as they eat away their toppings. They have become much jollier and carefree since the past 20 minutes. I see them laughing at little things. Their smiles are contagious; I start to grin. How did frozen yogurt make me so happy?

I ask myself again, how do businesses really thrive? By not being all about money and instead, committing to the community. Business is not just about spreadsheets and stock quotes. It involves real people. A business has the potential to change the lives of many. This is why I want to take business.

Just like the McDonough School of Business `07 graduates who founded Sweetgreen, with the tools and guidance Georgetown will provide me, I will one day start a pioneering business with a solid goal in mind: to make a difference. One that will promote public good, help those who are out of the spotlight, and change the lives of many; but perhaps without the yogurt.

Undergraduate / "Extraordinary" Fav Word UVA Supp Essay [3]

Hi! I need help editing. Please tell me if you are confused at any part or if it answers the prompt well. All opinions are appreciated. Please feel free to be harsh.

What is your favorite word and why?

I was so happy when I was able to pronounce it. Little did I know, I had been pronouncing it
wrong. "Extraˇordinary," I said, as if it was two words. One word means "of better quality than
is normal". The other means "of a common everyday kind". A paradox forms when the words
are understood separately. But when it is pronounced "exˇtraorˇdiˇnarˇy", compelling both words
to cooperate, where one does not draw more attention to itself than the other, it takes on a whole
different meaning. Resembling a Chinese Yin Yang sign, the two polar words are interconnected
and ultimately give rise to each other in turn. They complete each other, become stronger, and
give birth to a new meaning: "exceptional to a very prominent degree." It describes the
relentless, the never before seen, the unique, the astonishing. It is typically used in a sentence
before the words: masterpiece, hero, and sometimes too generously, food. It has been used to
describe philanthropic leaders all over the world, such as Mohammed, Mandela, Maathai. Yet,
for me, the word itself stands superior from all it describes. For it is my ambition. I do not
believe I can be compared to these outstanding role models because I am just a simple seventeen
year old girl. I have not reached my full potential and do not have the tools to carry out my
visions. Yet I have an exceptional passion and capabilities that could help address and solve
problems that we see every day: abuse, discrimination, bullying, loss of biodiversity, and most
especially not having enough food to eat. Only then will I call myself extraordinary. Even now, I
admit that I am extra ordinary, but I am taking extra strides to be worthy of my favorite word.

Undergraduate / UVA Essay Supp- "10 yr old business fail" What work of art, music, science, ... [3]

Hi! I need help on editing my essay for UVA Supp. Please tell me if it makes sense or if it is strong. Please feel free to be harsh! Thanks

What work of art, music, science, mathematics or literature has surprised, unsettled or challenged you, and in what way?

I was ten years old when I had my first business failure. Glaring at the few coins I had in my safety box, I knew I had been too mellow of a broker. I had sold masterpieces for 50 cents, 75 cents apiece. My produce were not exactly Van Goghs or Renoirs, but they were what every 6th grader wanted: a personalized cartoon figure of him or herself to hang at him or her locker. These were one-of-a-kind and painstakingly drawn by my sister. Surprisingly, they had become a fad. Their popularity rose to the point where posters were plastered in every kid's locker. Not having been trained for this bandwagon effect, I lost potential profit. As the demand rose, my prices remained low and were even lowered. I earned 15 dollars whereas I could have gained more profit particularly since my business had created a monopoly over locker decor. The supply and demand curve, which I finally learned a few years later, brought me into terms with my ignorance and retail flop.

Six years later, I am a senior in high school, searching for a way to raise money for my service club. The product we found was handmade Srunchies, or gaudy hair elastics from the 80's. They are unique yet were not trendy at Visitation. The demand was low because the supply was high. Solution: limit the supply; advertise and sell only 5 coveted ones at a time. Solution 2: Create a higher marginal utility; make them in a variety of different patterns therefore after buying one pattern the consumer will desire the other patterns. It worked. Grand total selling scrunchies: 261 dollars toward education for women in Lare, Kenya. The fundamental backbone of economic education has helped me become make a difference in the world, outside my 6th grade class room and the States. With hope, one day these women will also learn the basics of economics to enable them to earn a better living and future for themselves.