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Posts by donotplagiarize
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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donotplagiarize   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Growing up" - Computer Science UPENN SUPPLEMENT-WHAT YOU WANT TO EXPLORE [4]

Growing up, is like leaving a part of you that you once overestimated and starting a new chapter that even with your wildest dreams of success , is still an underestimation.

You could rephrase it as "The general perception of growing up - leaving a part of you that you once overestimated and starting a new chapter that even with your wildest dreams of success - is still an underestimation."

After that, it seems like you did a pretty good research on the programs and stuff, but you've just kind of listed all the good programs. I think you should, in some way, make the essay more personal. After reading the essay I felt like you were a Penn representative who was trying to tell me all the wonderful opportunities that Penn offers, and that I should apply to Penn. So I just think you should tell how you are going to utilize all these opportunities, and make your own life better.

Sorry for the criticism. I know there's just like one day left to turn in the app. I'm applying too, and am pretty nervous. Well, good luck!

P.S.: Check out my essays too, especially the Penn one, if you can.
donotplagiarize   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / UPenn - "What do you see yourself exploring?" Supplemental Essay [6]

Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (approximately 500 words)

"Hey Rachit, what do you want to be when you grow up?" asked my aunt one day when I was a little kid. I answered, "I want to be a shopkeeper!" Keeping in mind that I said this in India, a country full of petty shopkeepers and roadside vendors, my aunt burst out laughing. The little me was perplexed and wondered why he was being laughed at. After all, he just wanted to be involved in the most laid-back business ever! However, when I look back at that moment now, I realize that a big part of me always wanted to be a businessman, and to major in business, I believe that there is not a better school than University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business.

The wealth of opportunities and the plethora of educational experiences offered by Penn make the institution an exceptional temple of knowledge. The different and innovative techniques used for teaching at Wharton would enormously help me develop and learn about my two concentrations of interest, Marketing and Communication, at the same time. I understand that the concentrations of Marketing and Communication go hand-in-hand, and Wharton is the only school that provides this exclusive opportunity of taking a dual concentration both areas. I believe that Marketing is a strong major; however, it is incomplete without the knowledge of Communications. Primarily focusing on Marketing and simultaneously taking some Communication courses would greatly assist me in building a strong foundation for my future career as a business professional. Also, to be a Business student, it is extremely important to be "global minded", and there is no doubt in my mind that there is no other school in this country that could condition me to think internationally as well as Penn. The opportunities of studying abroad that The Wharton School of Business provides make me work even harder to be a part of the college.

Upon being admitted to college, one of the first initiatives I would undertake would be meeting with Dr. Allyn Miner, the Undergraduate Chair, to talk about my potential minor. Being from South Asia, the program offered by Penn that greatly intrigues me is The South Asia Studies (SAST) minor. While living in India for fifteen years, I never realized my love and interest in the culture and diversity of my own country and the entire South Asian region. The SAST program, along with helping me learn more about my heritage and my native language Hindi, will also greatly complement my business major by assisting me in understanding the corporate culture, practices, and techniques of the target area.

The recent Community Partnership between The Wharton School and the Barbara and Edward Netter Center is the icing on the cake. I am extremely passionate about community service, and a firm believer in giving back to the society. By committing myself to Wharton-Netter Center Community Partnership, I would not only be able to fulfill my desire of staying actively involved in the college activities, but also use the power of business for the betterment of the society. Penn's News Publications, especially The Daily Pennsylvanian, also arouse my interest, because engagement in college publications eminently contributes to the development of Communication and interpersonal skills, skills which will act as building stones to a strong gateway for entering the challenging Marketing world.

I immigrated to the United States, the land of opportunities, in the hope of an exceptional education that is hard to find in India, or any other country in the world for that matter. I believe that joining Wharton's elite group of students in the exclusive Marketing and Communication program, coupled with the best corporate environment of the city of Philadelphia would provide a stimulating environment in which I will thrive and graduate with great knowledge and experiences of the business world.

I would really-really appreciate any type of criticism and modification. Thanks!
P.S: It has some bits and parts from my Carnegie Mellon essay
donotplagiarize   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Idle time and Spontaneity -- Stanford Roomate Essay [9]

I think that the "As an Indian boy" part doesn't really connect to anything. You just mention it and totally talk about something else.

I really like the last paragraph and how you say that you are open to new experiences, because that is what college is all about.

And I do think you could cut the first paragraph out and maybe replace it with some more interesting information about your hobbies. Overall, it is creative and interesting.

Please check out my essay too!
Thanks
donotplagiarize   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Supplement "A Strong Foundation" [5]

whomp123
If accepted as an undergraduate at Mellon College of Science (MCS) or Carnegie Institute of Technology (CIT) with the intended major of biochemistry and biotechnology or biomedical engineering

you might want to add respectively to that.

and in the last line... "fascinating" professor? How about experienced? or accomplished?
donotplagiarize   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Seeking to major in Marketing - "Why CMU and the major?" [3]

Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

I remember driving in the car with my parents and my aunt a few years ago, as a little kid. That was when my aunt asked me, "Hey Rachit, what do you want to be when you grow up?" And I answered, "Masi (Hindi word for aunt), I want to be a shopkeeper!" Keeping in mind that I said this in India, a country full of petty shopkeepers and roadside vendors, my parents and my aunt burst out laughing. The little me was perplexed, and was left wondering why he was being laughed at. After all, he just wanted to be involved in the most laid-back business ever! However, when I look back at that moment now, I realize that there was always a big part of me that wanted to be a businessman. But living in a country where there is little scope of a great career in any other field except for medicine and engineering, I, for some time in my life, thought that I wanted to be an engineer. Little did I know that I had great opportunities awaiting me in the greatest capitalist nation and the strongest business power in the world. I moved to the United States in the summer of 2009 with my family at the age of fifteen, and this immigration completely changed the course of my life.

Seeking to major in Marketing, CMU's Tepper School of Business is a perfect fit for me because of Pittsburgh's corporate culture that accompanies Tepper's business programs. People often say, "What is in a name?" Well my answer to those people is, "Everything!" Now what could be a better example of it than CMU? Turn the 'U' of CMU sideways, and you get CMC - the name says it all. CMU is a city of its own - a city that intricately captures the essence, the liveliness, and the charming aura of the city of Pittsburgh, the city that is extremely heterogeneous in terms of its diversity. All of these factors merge together to make CMU a global network university, and also one of the most culturally diverse universities in the country. I believe that joining Tepper's elite group of students in the exclusive Marketing program, coupled with the best corporate environment of the city of Pittsburgh, would provide a stimulating environment in which I will thrive and graduate with great knowledge and experiences of the business world.

Looking at America's highly diverse population, and being from another country myself, I am greatly interested in Tepper School of Business' Marketing program as it would immensely assist me in understanding the corporate world through a global perspective. The thought of studying in the same city which is the home of business giants such as PNC Financial Services, U.S. Steel, H.J. Heinz Company, and PPG Industries inspires me to be a part of the great crowd of business professionals that make Pittsburgh. I am sure that my ambition to be an integral part of the city and be a part of a community of global leaders and thinkers would make way for great business opportunities in the future for me. The opportunities of studying abroad that The Tepper School of Business provides inspire me to work even harder towards becoming a part of the college. Also, to be a business student, it is extremely important to be "global minded", and there is no doubt in my mind that CMU could excellently condition me to think internationally.

I strive hard so that I can say that "My heart is in the work," which is why, as an extracurricular activity, I have a hobby to collect marketing materials. In today's age of recession, as the economy has crumbled, it has increasingly become hard for businesses to survive. In order to sustain their existence, they have been forced to resort to desperate measures to attract new customers. The ways in which the businesses market themselves and their products deeply intrigues me, which is why I collect marketing materials of all kinds in order to closely follow the strategies of various businesses. I believe that understanding the point of view and examining the thinking process of various companies would help me greatly as a business professional in the future, and therefore, prepare me to face any kind of challenges that might stand in my way.

Recently, upon reading a post entitled "College Essays" by the Assistant Director of Admission Jaycie Galbraith, I came across this statement: "don't be afraid to tell us about the research you've done, when you've visited campus...or just paraded around wearing a kilt!" Well, I have not walked around sporting a kilt yet, but I can't wait!
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