Posts by thedarktiger

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Engineering for Energy"-Columbia Engineering Supplement [17]

The Earth Institute's endeavors in energy, coupled with Columbia's global initiative, would propel my experiments to a world-wide scale.

This sentence doesn't make sense. The would doesn't go with anything

better, i still dislike the "I wanted to pioneer"

it sounds like you don't want it anymore.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Can Tab Drive" Common app essay [9]

Can you imagine being a poor, young child in desperate need of regular kidney dialysis that your family simply cannot afford? Yeah, me neither.

Bad intro, first off, me neither is more colloquial, if you really want to go with this say Neither could I.

Also, the rest of the essay was fine in content, but lacked emotion as stated above.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Engineering for Energy"-Columbia Engineering Supplement [17]

~~Visiting India the following yea~~ rYou never mentioned when you had the debate, so just say "On a trip to India" or "Once, when I was in India", I noticed that energy for even the most basic needs was scarce. If someone sought fuel to cook a meal, environmental friendliness would be of no concern.You brought in two separate ideas. the sentence before this mentions basic needs. This sentence mentions green technology. Make sure they coincide.My interest in affordable green technology led me to build my first contraption: a solar-powered water heater. I remember sitting with my contraption on my apartment balconyin India? at 4am in the winter night, literally watching its paint dry.

Looking forward as a prospective engineer, I aspire to pioneer an era of affordable and accessible alternative energy. technically... that era is here. So maybe change this line around? Studying under Professors Billinge and Osgood-fuel cell experts-would help me develop commercially-viable energy solutions. This advice is up to you, but I have heard that it is bad to mention professors directly if they are part of the same school. I'll go into detail below on why.The Earth Institute's endeavors in energy, coupled with Columbia's global initiative, would propel my experiments to a world-wide scale.Great. Now what's your plan? What do you want to do in this world wide scale? Just "pioneer" an era of green technology?

Engineers also have the privilege to witness the fruit of their labor. I can imagine a wind-farm juxtaposed with expansive rice fields. Many would see it as an eyesore, a clash of modern technology and traditional rusticity. But to me, it would be an elegant testament to the success of modern engineering.

I suggest merging the last two paragraphs. I can see now, wind farms juxtaposed with [...] modern engineering. The intro though "engineers also have the [...] labor" is weak and can be removed.

So the reason for not mentioning prof. is because in the odd case that someone on the comittee doesn't like that professor he gets a bias against you, or what happens if one of those professors retires/switches schools? Then do you not what to attend the school?

I mean these are rare occasions, but none-the-less I would take them into consideration.

Please glance over my essay too.
Cheers, all the best.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / THE RAPPING ICONOCLAST: BROWN SUPPLEMENT (INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE) [10]

I did indeed enjoy reading this essay. You made freestyle rapping - something I too enjoy - seem more important than the stereotypical thought and showed how it was the bridge between two cultures.

Doesn't need a title, doesn't need to be cut down.

You made rapping seem like an intellectual experience, so in that essence it was good.

I say send it and take the risk.

Also please give me an opinion on my essay too

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Camp and Death" - Summer Essay for Princeton [7]

I've been blessed with blissful summers, filled with carefree bicycling and frequent ice cream outings, but these recollections are interrupted by those two ugly confrontations with death.

Just noticed, the frequent ice cream outing ruins the parallel structure (blessed with, filled with).

Also, since it bothered me that you used contractions so much I decided to google whether or not it would be a good idea or not, I got both results returned, but it seemed that it is a better idea not to do them.

Maybe go through them and check whether or not contractions are a good idea or not in your essay? It's your call though.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Camp and Death" - Summer Essay for Princeton [7]

And so, my recent summers have been filled not only with summer camps and poolside lemonade but also more somber lessons of the frailty of life.~~Mixed in with uproarious summer nights and capturing fireflies were summer classes and dark reflection.~~I don't like this ending, it just feels incomplete, I understand you were in a car crash and your grandfather died, but then what did you learn? Don't tell me what you reflect on, but how did this experience change you?[/quote]

That's all for now, I liked the essay, but I think it needs more of a point, like I said, the ending seemed incomplete. Also you have a LOT of description in there, if my strikethroughs didn't get you in the word limit, try to get rid of more descriptions and stick to as much content as possible.

Thanks for reviewing my essay =]

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "COWBOY BOOTS" - STANFORD - ROOMMATE LETTER [14]

At first, I may seem like ~~an average person,~~ a boring boot unfit for the "diversity" Stanford strives ...

~~Since I am an only child, I have never shared a room before (except at camp); however,~~ I am very affable and extremely respectful~~, so you will never have to worry about me snooping through personal belongings. I'm~~and am excited to learn about your culture~~-and hopefully become your friend-~~while we enjoy our "college experience" together, and I hope ...

Just things you can take out, I feel like though your essay is supposed to focus on the boot, it doesn't do it as well as it should. It's almost as if your personality comes first and then the boot is an afterthought, if you were trying to go for that unique essay using some obscure thing to describe you it needs to be more impactful.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "I'm a girl." COMMON APP [12]

I thought it was a well written essay - however I feel that the second paragraph was too negative. Maybe mention how you have a lot of achievements which, while great in the eyes of your friends, fell short to your father's anti-feministic views.

I think you should either remove or revise this line:

"To him we were failures."

It is just wayyy to negative.

On top of that, by saying you opened pandora's box is saying you opened a jar full of evil - which is contradictory since you want to say that women are valuable.

Other than that very personal and unique.

Please review my essay too.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / "Happiness is relative, truth is absolute, randomness is awkward" - Rice Perspective [6]

Just an idea that came to me today, what do you all think?

Happiness is relative, truth is absolute, and randomness is awkward. It is also awkward to absolutely relate what I am like to an unseen stranger miles away from my house, yet my desire to join Rice's beautiful campus compels me to do it. However, this is a tough cookie, I had to ask myself a few questions and in process, I learned more about myself than I had previously known. Wow. College applications should be a religion because they definitely lead to more self-enlightenment than any religion I have come across, no offense.

In this journey to find myself, I asked me a few questions. "Ashish," I asked, "what do you like?" I told myself, "Ashish, I enjoy eating the Indian food that my mom cooks, I like drawing, painting, and taking photos. I write poems when I am stressed and I enjoy that too. I love to debate and biology is my favorite subj-"

"Hold up!" I interjected. "Why do you like biology?"

"Well, Ashish" He - err - I replied, slightly annoyed that I interrupted myself, "I love it because it is just beautiful - like Rice's campus. Biology is a science that is still being researched and the more we discover about it, the more we are able to help people. I want to help people."

"Fair enough. What is your favorite feeling?"

I paused a moment, slightly confused at the question. Feeling? Where in the world were these questions coming from? "Inspiration. I love being inspired."

I smiled. I had already known the answer to that question before I asked it. I am a dynamic student, an ever free-floating cloud of thoughts captured in a restless body always seeking to be challenged. I love inspiration.

"Ashish, can you tell me any defining characteristics about you? What do you take pride in having done? What do you think makes you a good person?"

"That's a good question Ashish (I would fix the contraction at the beginning of this sentence, but since I am quoting myself it would be a misquote if I did). I am a leader and a man of service, no doubt. I take pride in the fact that am the president and founder of our school's debate team and the fact that I am the president of both Mu Alpha Theta, and Art Club simultaneously. I believe I did my best as a co-captain of the Quiz Bowl team this year and that I am still doing a good job as the secretary of Science National Honor Society. I love being the person in charge for organizations that are making a difference, whether that difference is giving intellectual stimulants to students who yearn for knowledge, or whether that is enhancing creativity at my school, I am and always want to be at the forefront of the organization helping people. I like helping people. On top of that, I have been a member of the Chinmaya Mission learning Hindu values for over ten years. Through their institution I have planted trees with the former president of India, I have been the master of ceremony at numerous events spreading Hindu values and cultures, I have tutored students in math, and I have done countless more hours of selfless service for the benefit of society. I pride myself in being a man of service, and a true community member."

From this last speech I was in tears. I managed to wince out my final question. "What perspective of yourself do you think you can bring to Rice's campus, Ashish?"

"I can only bring what I know I am good at. I know that as the leader of so many organizations at school I will be an active member of the campus community. I can be trusted to stick to commitments and get things done. I know that at Rice I can look forward to being at a home away from home with their Residential Campus, and just as any man does work around the house, so too will I complete many activities of service to give back to the gracious community. If blessed with the opportunity of going to the institution, Rice can look forward to an active student leader, committed to helping the community, and a diligent, hard working student."

When our conversation was over, I felt different, as if the man standing in the mirror, and the man in reality were different, though the same. The man in the mirror was me, and I was him, but it was as if I knew so little about him, as if I was hidden away, always dwelling in the world and never inside myself. In the next moment it did not matter anymore; dinner was ready and we were having curry... with rice.

thedarktiger

Dec 31, 2010

Undergraduate / NYU essays: biology + connections + Dr. House from House, MD. [4]

I loved it. Especially the Dr. House bit.

Here are a few things, first off:

"and gain the generosity gifted to my parents"

change it to "gained" I think that would work.

I also agree with the person above, the Dr. House bit shouldn't have "grudge" while I found it humorous, it is slightly negative. Instead maybe change it to I would like to have Dr. House come into my operation theatre and have my dad teach him why one should be adequately steralized. (so it teaches House a lesson, though we both know it really won't)

For some reason your Indian accent is very apparent, which is neither good nor bad, just something I wished to state. Liken tumnhe tho bahut hi achha essay likha hai. =]