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Posts by ayotal
Joined: Dec 31, 2010
Last Post: Jan 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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ayotal   
Jan 29, 2011
Undergraduate / MECA "Draw Yourself in Writing" [5]

Hello!

This is very cute, and definitely answers the prompt! The last paragraph is a really nice finish to it.

My only qualm is that the overt descriptiveness is a little... bulky? Cumbersome? I understand that you wanted to interpret the prompt literally, but I feel your piece would benefit from some fluidity. If it had smoother transitions and maybe every sentence wasn't description... If you dotted it with sentences that were less complex I think it would make the piece more appealing and easier to read, because as it stands, it gets somewhat tiresome to read with all the description, until you get to the end. Just some simple sentences added in to break it up would help.

hth
May GOD'S Blessings, Favor, and Mercy be upon you, your family, and your situation forever!
ayotal   
Jan 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Sometimes I Think I am Very Cool" -FIT Personal Essay [3]

Hi everyone! The deadline to submit this is February 1, 2011! It's so close!
Okay, so this is my essay for the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT) for admission into the Fashion Merchandising Management (FMM) program.

Hope you like it and help if you can! GOD BLESS!

Prompt:The topic of the essay will answer the following questions: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)

Sometimes, I Think I am Very Cool

In my best moments I am shimmering and dewy. Petal-like and soft, and in my best moments, I show the person GOD created me to be. As an elementary school student, lace socks folded beneath a monochrome sweat-suit, I was known as a shy girl. It was never the case that I was afraid of speaking but that I felt if I had nothing to say, why say more than was necessary? I spent most of my time drawing people, which were to me the most interesting subject. I nurtured this skill throughout middle school, selling orca whale drawings for ten cents each and learning more about human anatomy. Although this business endeavor was short-lived, I did appreciate the feeling of having others want and pay for something I had made.

During the summer of eighth grade, I decided to makeover myself. Entering high school had been in everyone's mouths and ears, and the more I thought about it, the more I took it as a chance to experiment with a different form of art: fashion. Habitually, I was crawling the web viewing shots of runway shows, and after briefly dating the idea of being a women and menswear designer, I realized that I would prefer a career on the opposite side of the table, crunching numbers and managing merchandise in the business field. It clicked. Suddenly and surprisingly, the answer to "what I want to be when I grow up" was in my lap. It was all I could do to feed my mountainous curiosity and learn of programs offered by various colleges. As I progressed through high school, I settled on New York City, the fashion capital of America, as the place in which I'd pursue my goals. I prayed to GOD many nights to lead me to the best choice, and after viewing and reviewing my top schools, I decided on the Fashion Institute of Technology. It was the one school that had a business section equaling in strength to its art section. Reading the description for the Fashion Merchandising Management program and its heart-thumping curriculum, I saw alignment with my own personal goals. I was happy knowing that GOD had given me such a perfect answer, and realizing that I could attend was exciting and fun.

In my sophomore year of high school, I entered the Visual Arts Scholastic Event (V.A.S.E.) art competition, using the skills I had cultivated to create a self-portrait that expressed the Favor, as it was so titled, that GOD had bestowed upon me. I received the highest score of four at the regional level and lettered at my high school, and after advancing to state, I received another four, a medal, and the ability to have patches for my letterman jacket showing my accomplishments. For me, it was a connection between the creativity I had and the business career I wanted to pursue, as I still needed to retain artistic expression to be able to grow and thrive in the fashion industry.

What I expected for myself in life coming to fruition, I thought, smiling and sparkling, "This sort of me who has purpose and ambition is very cool."
ayotal   
Jan 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Words have Power" - Journalism entrance essay at Ryerson University [3]

I think that you should give more of YOUR input on why the article had an impact on you. It seems to me you stated more about the opinions of others on the article and the topic's affect on society rather than the article's impact on you.

Other than that, your essay was well-written, and very good.

hth
May GOD'S Blessings, Favor, and Mercy be upon you, your family, and your situation forever!
ayotal   
Jan 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Personal statement regarding high school struggle, major and my future career. [2]

This is good, and while I think it addresses the items listed in your title prompt, I think it could benefit from a more personal sound to it and perhaps a less clerical tone.

"Looking at my final report card my junior year and seeing a D for the first time ever in my life happened to be very upsetting. Even though it was a tough subject, (pre-calculus) this event in my life hasyou do not need to change tenses here taught me that not everything in yourrepetition --> life goes your way. However it's how you handle those situations that make you who you are. The following year I decided to retake the complex course in hopes of improving significantlyImproving what significantly? You might switch it to say "significantly improving my grade in order to aid my GPA" to aid my GPA. My perseverance and encouragement from my peers has contributed to the improvementPerhaps find a different word so as not to have repetition, since you wrote "improving" in the line before. of my grade of a B for the first term of my senior year.

This journey through high school hasAnother tense change enlightened me and furthermore has helped me grow into something that I would have never expected to be.(Only changing tense because you are speaking in the past of what you would have thought in the future.)At times I just sit and think about the endless ramblings going on in my headYour use of present tense here confuses me. It sounds as though you are reflecting, but immediately following, you write about the past again, and so I would change it to past tense. "At times I sat and thought about the endless ramblings going on in my head" (though, the "endless ramblings going on in my head" part is a little... cumbersome and not smooth) . One question that haunted me throughout my early years of high school was, "What Am I going to do after high school?" I thought about this question all the time, and for IYou don't need this word here. awhile there was no answer."

hth, though its only the first two paragraphs.
May GOD'S Blessings, Favor, and Mercy be upon you, your family, and your situation forever!
ayotal   
Jan 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Would Writing My FIT Essay in Present Tense or Third Person Be Too Much of a Risk? [4]

Hello everyone. I hope this is the correct subforum to post this in. I am writing my essay for the Fashion Institute of Technology(FIT) for entrance into the Fashion Merchandising Management (FMM) program.

I am debating whether or not I should write my essay in third person or not. I am also debating whether or not I might try first person present tense. I am writing it in three "stages," each of which will be a span of years of my life. So stage one is elementary/intermediate. Stage two is middle/junior high development. Stage three is development during high school. It will be personal and include my thoughts, but I wanted it to sound similar to a study on a test subject... I guess what I'm saying is I wanted it to be from a sort of examiner's point of view? But it will not be completely impersonal. If I do first person present, it will be from my point of view, of course, and will not read like a study.

Is this too cheeky? FIT is a Fashion/Art college, but the program I'm applying to is a business program, though creativity is still needed. I'm thinking first person present tense might be cute, but third person might be pretentious.

The prompt is:
What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? This is also a chance to tell more about your experiences, activities, and accomplishments. Please use 750 words or less.

I'm still not sure if this is the way I'm going to write it, but I just wanted to see what others thought before spending some hours writing an essay that would be too risky.

Thanks.

May GOD'S Blessings and Favor be upon you, your family, and your situation forever.
ayotal   
Jan 27, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA Favorite word and why- labyrinth [4]

This is very good. I see only one problem:

"The term labyrinth alludes to something more than just a dark, secluded maze."

I understand why you included this sentence, but I feel that it does not transition well into the following sentences and seems a bit out of place. I would either take it out, or combine it with the sentence before it. I would also replace the word "alludes."

hth
May GOD'S Blessings and Favor be upon you, your family, and your situation forever.
ayotal   
Jan 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "I am creative" - MY GRAPHIC DESIGN ADMISSONS ESSAY [3]

I think it is good, but a little boring. It gives the information, but little else. Also, your use of the word "creative" multiple times throughout your essay is repetitive. Pick up a thesaurus and find a different word/words. I guess what I'm saying is to give your essay a voice: something that is uniquely you.

hth
May GOD'S Blessings and Favor be upon you, your family, and your situation forever.
ayotal   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am Optimistic" - academic interests, perspectives COMMON APP Essay [3]

thanks so much! yeah i felt that maybe it didnt have a clear main idea, so im glad it just wasnt my thoughts.

i was trying to do the second part of the prompt "Or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you" by showing the feelings i had about a diverse school setting and then realizing that its about 'being yourself' though that sounds cheesy..

thanks so much again, really helpful!

any other suggestions anyone?
ayotal   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am Optimistic" - academic interests, perspectives COMMON APP Essay [3]

Hello, and thank you in advance for coming to read this. The deadline is soon I know!!
If you could critique and give any thoughts you had on it, that would be really helpful!!

Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

The dashes are to make names and actual places private.

I am Optimistic

When I think about the "me" of that time, I am reminded of those uncomfortable feelings: regret, embarrassment, loneliness. Who was that person? It would be a convenient question to ask, but I cannot deny that in every one of the days I spent at L------- High School, it was "L----- W---------" who saw, heard, and felt the experiences that seem to belong to someone else.

Sunlight wavered through the limbs of a tree at the top of the plaza. The concrete was dappled with bits of uneven brightness, and I sat with my backpack slouched against my leg on the bench. I liked to take off my eyeglasses and observe the other students far down in the courtyard. Their faces smeared like flicks of oil paint, and I held my breath to be as still as possible. Once, I covered my ears and watched a slurred modern dance as they converged at the glass double-doors. I had become slow to enter the building. At certain moments I was paranoid that any laughter I heard directly behind me was intended for me. I pushed my palm on my forehead, swiping back a loose curl and headed for the main stairwell.

L------- High was home to two-thousand students from all over G---- County, and my old school, where I had gone since pre-kindergarten and where I knew everyone and everything, was a remote memory. Transferring schools, I faced frequent hurdles both socially and educationally that served to reveal a great deal to me about human diversity. I began to understand that diversity is not only the variance of ethnic and racial groups, but also the varying personalities of individuals. It was strange to learn of those things at a time where I felt most unlike the person I knew to be "me". Because of the days that I would call miserable and unbearable, I uncovered much about which piece I was in the school setting. Through embarrassment and awkwardness I realized that my role in the play was L----- W---------. With Jesus Christ as my Way, my faith in GOD and reliance on His strength allowed me to create relationships and understand that there must be a mixture of people, both physically and mentally in any school setting to generate the encounters which teach people about themselves and how to progress as a society.

I leaned against the doorway of my History class and glanced around. Mirth and the light-heartedness found only in high school met me, and as I found my seat and smiled, I was beside myself with the idea that these moments were mine. I had even managed to experience something like love, though not completely deserving of the name. "This is my life," I thought to myself. "Be not woeful, for I am optimistic!"

Thanks again and may GOD'S Favor and Blessings be upon you, your family, and your situation forever!
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