Writing Feedback / What can people do to live a long life? [4]

Greetings!

Overall, this is a fine start, but I'd go through this sentence by sentence and eliminate and/or fix all instances of repetition. For example, the first two sentences of the second paragraph repeat the word "people," and not just repeat it, but use it in exactly the same place (the last word of the sentence). In fact, you use the word "people" a WHOLE lot. I'd try rewording most of the sentences that use that word.

Also, I'd try combining many of your shorter sentences. For example, in the next to last paragraph, you can try this sentence to replace the second, third, and fourth sentences: "Exercise is important to good health; it can reduce the risk of breat cancer, control obesity and diabetes, and lower high blood pressure."

With these few tips, your essay should be greatly improved!

Thanks,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay about: Nothing is more blind than sight without vision - help and ideas [2]

Greetings!

This is an interesting topic! You might wish to google this quote itself (place the whole thing in quotation marks) and see what comes up - -there might be some famous people who have said interesting things along these lines, and they might provide some inspiration.

Also, you might want to look up the definitions of each word (sight and vision) and ponder the differences, see how having one without the other might play out in situations relevant to someone of your age and circumstances.

I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / What to talk about (what I could learn from my classmate) UT admissions essay [4]

Greetings!

We would be happy to look over your essay! However, we do need to keep all replies posted to this forum; that is, we cannot provide you with an email address for private correspondence. I understand your desire to keep this off the forums, but I am afraid that due to the nature of this particular service, we cannot do so.

Thank you, and please do send the essay draft if you wish!

Sincerely,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / What to talk about (what I could learn from my classmate) UT admissions essay [4]

Greetings!

These really are difficult essays to write, because they are so broad. I would, however, suggest a different approach than the ones you are considering, simply because they are rather typical and you want to find a way to stand out.

How about describing an exceptionally antagonistic or even hostile classmate? One whom you have to struggle to understand and, ultimately, work with (or even live with)? This way, you could demonstrate your people skills, your diplomacy skills, your team-building skills, your empathy skills, whatever skills are most relevant to your chosen profession.

This is just a thought -- but I would definitely try for something to make you stand out.

Thank you,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / English is necessary to everyone; three important essay subjects [3]

Greetings!

I am happy the previous comments were helpful! I hope these are as well!

1. I would lengthen the first paragraph -- as a rule of thumb, three sentences are a minimum.
2. I would change "first of all" to something more catchy.
3. Having said that, your Q&A approach is VERY well-done! Often, it is NOT well-done, but you have made it quite lively.
4. You need a concluding sentence for your pollution paragraph...
5. Perhaps you can spice up the conclusion?

Overall, a tight essay!

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Do you like to smell the strong cigarette smoke at public places? NO! [3]

Greetings!

Overall, this is a very fine essay!! I just have a few comments, below.

agree WITH it, not TO it
no should NOT be capitalized
"on the one hand" and "on the other hand" should only be used when presenting conflicting arguments -- you might want to try "first of all" and "second of all"

not "in consequence," but "as a consequence"
"smoking places," not "smoking place"
You are assuming smokers WILL smoke less, which isn't actually proven -- you might want to be more careful here

Good luck!

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Nothing is more blind than sight without vision [2]

Greetings!

Thank you for your inquiry! And while we cannot provide you with some paragraphs on this topic, as we are not a writing service, I can certainly offer you some suggestions on getting started!

1. Google the quote to see what comes up -- you might get inspired that way.

2. Look up the words "sight" and "vision" and think about how they are different (and similar). Then think about situations in which this quote might apply -- such as, for example, seeing a person whom you love but not having the VISION to understand them...

3. Find the author of the quote, and see if there is anything interesting about him/her that inspires you to comment upon these words.

I hope this helps!

Thank you,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Paper on computer programs and program development in businesses [2]

Greetings!

I will be happy to throw you a few ideas! However, I also want to note that in the future, any time you need to generate ideas, one excellent way is to Google the keywords (in this case, "computer program development business" and see what comes up.

In fact, this is what I did, and these are some ideas I found by looking through the various sites that came up: software development and small business applications; computer-based marketing tools; how computer software innovations drive business development; and international applications (and implications) of software development upon business in an increasingly globalized economy.

The other piece of advice I can offer is to look at your course syllabus and see the kinds of things you will be studying this summer term, and try to focus your paper accordingly.

Hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Enlightenment: Adolescence of Modern Western SOciety [2]

Greetings!

I am happy to provide you with some feedback!

The primary suggestion I can make is to proofread closely for grammar and word usage. You have some run-on sentences (notably the first one), some misuse of words (for example, also in the first paragraph, "seem to be parallel of the inquisitory nature" -- should be "parallel TO"), and some ambiguous statements (also in the first paragraph, "The study of adolescence has defined several characteristics" -- characteristics of what?)...

I would strongly urge you to read this out loud, preferably to another person, but not necessarily. I believe you will hear places that don't make sense. I can mostly stretch to understand what you mean, but frankly, there are places where I cannot. For example: "The enabler of such questioning is cognitive development use of logical reasoning to understand the world around them in determining where they fit into it." I truly don't understand this sentence -- and I have advanced degrees in both psychology and English!

So -- I believe you are trying to say some really interesting things, but your language is getting in the way. Read it out loud -- proofread it -- ask a friend or colleague for help -- and you should be able to polish this up just fine.

Thanks,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Brave New World; Can a "perfect" drug be used to acieve a stable society? [3]

Greetings!

I think that for a start, this is a fine essay! To be able to say more, I would need to know more information, such as the prompt for the essay, the level of school (e.g. high school? college?), etc... Depending upon the answers to those questions, I would make suggestions such as elevating and varying your language a bit (e.g. getting use of so many instances of "things"), improving your transitions between paragraphs slightly, and filling out with more analysis, perhaps pulling in examples from today's world to show why Huxley's society with its perfect drugs would not "do mankind any good."

In general, your punctuation and grammar are quite fine.

Good luck with your essay, and let me know if you have any further questions!

Sincerely,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay topic: Climate change - global warming / thesis statement [11]

Greetings!

For an essay this broad, at your level of education, the only way to really approach this would be to take a very superficial, very big overview. For example, you could briefly touch upon, say, 5 different aspects of climate change in 5 different parts of the world: the rising oceans and their effect upon island nations; the rising temperatures and the effect this is having upon polar bears; and so forth.

Then you could find the most recent research in each of these five areas, and write to the depth required by the length and complexity of the paper. A solid conclusion tying together these 5 topics to show that climate change is indeed an emergency on a global order would be a good way to end.

Thanks,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on: Bird flu -World point of view [2]

Greetings!

This is a tricky one because so much is still unknown about the bird flu. Plus, this essay can be written from many different perspectives: the health perspective, the political perspective (i.e. what will governments do when it hits), the environmental perspective, the cultural perspective, and so forth.

In addition, the "world point of view" is something even a whole book couldn't address.

Therefore, my first piece of advice would be to narrow the topic based upon the class for which this essay will be written as well as what your professor wants you to include. Once the topic has been narrowed, it should be relatively easy to write an outline and then research the different aspects contained therein.

Thank you,

Miriam, EssayForum.com

Essays / Environment of the world-20 years after / Future - topic idea [3]

Greetings!

You are asking about how to write an essay on the topic, "Environment of the World -- 20 years after..." I suppose my first question would be: after what?

From that point, such an essay (assuming a real essay and not a research paper) would rely upon two main things: imagination and science. For example, if this "after" is a nuclear bomb, then some quick research would locate the general environmental effects such an event would have. That information could be combined with your general sense of what this would mean to human and animal societies, and how the world would be different.

Depending upon the length of this essay, as well as other parameters, it should be relatively easy to structure it into sections that organize the essay.

Please let me know if I can help you in any other way, and thanks!

Miriam, EssayForum.com