Undergraduate / "I worked at an athletic camp" - Is This an Example of Leadership? [4]

Yes, I think it is. You observed a problem, created a solution, sold it to management, and successfully implemented it. Had you not been there, it would not have happened.

Letters / Cover letter for PhD in cancer. Confused if it looks like SOP? [4]

The salutation should be followed by a colon in a business letter.

I would delete the sentence: This is when I came across these studentships in cancer research and replace it with something like: Having reviewed the studentship program, I believe I am a qualified candidate and would like to apply.

I would also probably cut this paragraph: Cancer results from defects in fundamental cell regulatory mechanisms; it is a disease that ultimately has to be understood at the molecular and cellular levels. Indeed, understanding cancer has been an objective for molecular and cellular biologists for many years. However, the studies of cancer cells have also illuminated the mechanisms that regulate normal cell behavior. In fact, many of the proteins that play key roles in cell signaling were identified because their abnormalities led to the uncontrolled proliferation of cancer cells. Studying the subject molecular and cellular pharmacology in depth during the first year of my post-graduation aroused my interest in understanding the cellular and molecular basis of a disease and its treatment.

The first part of it is self-evident. The last part about you might be worthy of mention in the interview, but probably not in the cover letter.

No comma in this sentence: Pursuing a PhD in such an interdisciplinary setting, will be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits.

I wish you good luck.

Undergraduate / "an excellent candidate for the Radio & Television program" - Ryerson Personal essay [4]

Your essay has a few problems. You have a good idea for an intro, but never return to it to close the essay. You really don't connect the courses to your objectives and you don't do a good job of selling yourself. There are errors in the writing that detract from your presentation.

The writers at College Application Essay Help have chosen your essay for a complete rewrite.

Writing Feedback / "if i hadn't gone in the basement" - the time i made a costly mistake [2]

Your essay was chosen for a rewrite by the writers from college admission essay help.

Below is the rewrite:

Describe a time when you made a costly mistake.

I was 9 and my brother was 11. We were coming home from school and talking about the events of the day when my brother suggested that we play sword and princess. I was excited because we hadn't played that game for a few weeks.

When we got home, I looked for my mom but couldn't find her. My brother found a note: "I've gone to go pick your sister and pick up some groceries." My brother and I were so happy that our mother trusted us to be alone that we started running around the house and jumping on the couch.

I remembered my brother's promise to play sword and princess and asked him to start the game. He said that we should play upstairs, but I wanted to play the game in the basement. Normally, we were not allowed to play in the basement, but I thought it might make the game more fun.

We went to the basement and started to play forgetting about all the trouble we could get in for being down there. After we played for a half an hour, I asked my brother to get a stuffed bear that was on a hook. He stood on the chair and got it for me, but before he could give it to me he slipped and poked himself in the eye on a sharp piece of hanger.

The next thing I remember was sitting on the floor with blood everywhere on my clothes and my brother holding a paper towel soaked with blood on his face.

My brother lost his sight in his left eye. I think about his accident because I convinced him to play in the basement and I asked him to get me the bear. If we had only stayed upstairs, my brother would still be able to see out of his eye. I learned that some rules are there for our own good.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

Hi Mohammad Asfar,

You write well. There are a few errors in English that you should correct before you submit your statement of purpose.

Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings and I out of the airport
Corrected: Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings and me out of the airport.
Reason: I functions as the object of the verb ushered and should be in the objective case, me.

To see that this is correct, try saying the sentence as two parts:

Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings out of the airport.
Two of my uncles had ushered me out of the airport.

I would not fit the second sentence.

Growing up I knew I was Iranian, my dad was born in Iran and my mom is half American and half Iranian, but my heritage was an abstract notion that never factored into my identity as a child.

The first part of this (Growing up I knew I was Iranian) is a complete sentence and should be followed by a period. Growing up, I knew that I was Iranian. My father...

After my first trip in 1991 I became aware of what it was to be Iranian and became proud of my cultural history.

You need to insert a comma between 1991 and I. After my first trip in 1991, I became aware of what it was to be Iranian and became proud of my cultural history.

Whenever a sentence has a long introductory element before it reaches the subject, the introductory element should be followed by a comma.

I had never stepped foot in so ancient a land nor had I experienced history in such a concrete and tangible way. The English expression is I had never set foot.

Before beginning college in 2000 I had only traveled to Iran twice and being Iranian had only interested me as it related to my identity as a person. Put a comma between 2000 and I.

While I had originally planned on pursuing an MFA, my attention had shifted from art to Iran and the Middle East as whole.

Change the second had to has to show the proper relationship between the tenses in the parts of the sentence. The last part of the sentence should read and the Middle East as a whole.

During the last five years I have spent a lot of my spare time reading books on Middle Eastern history and it's complicated relations with the world. Add a comma between years and I. Change it's to its.

As an avid photographer I appreciate the capacity that new media has to distribute images and ideas to encourage greater communication between peoples. Add a comma between photographer and I.

By following through with a more formal education on the Middle East I hope to gain a better understanding of how I can use my photography to bridge the gaps that divide our people. Add a comma between East and I. Consider changing people to peoples so that it echoes the sentence that precedes it.

This more formal knowledge will enable me to better navigate through the region and ensure that the messages I hope to exchange are accurate and positive. Remove the word through. Navigate the region already includes the meaning of through.

Good luck,

Tampa English Tutor

Undergraduate / "Sensei about life: it's about doing it or not doing it" - CommonApp essay [5]

The sentence that includes brainwashing into believing could be improved by replacing it with This is what Sensei told me when I tried to convince him that I was not ready for the upcoming tournament. You are telling the story in the past tense, so am not ready can't come after tried.

You write well. However, you are getting in your own way. I've helped many students write common app essays, and simpler is almost always better.

Whatever school you are applying to, the admissions committee probably has a few thousand essays to review. Don't write one that requires them to break out a dictionary to look up execrate.

The admissions committee is not assessing your vocabulary. They are looking to see whether you can write and think clearly. Use the words that you are comfortable with.

Be who you are. Your story is a good one. Using simpler language will let the admissions folks focus on getting to know you and your story.

I backed away from any task that would exhibit me to multitudinous eyes.
How about: I was afraid to do anything that would put me in front of my classmates.

Whenever I had to stand and read things out to my class, my hands would shudder with such great amplitude, even people sitting three seats behind me would notice. Howzabout: Whenever I had to stand up and read in class, my hands shook so much that students in the back could see how scared I was.

Shudder is not used in the way that you did in the original. People's hands don't shudder. They shake. And no one shudders with amplitude.

Good luck, Daniel-san.

The Tampa English Tutor

Essays / Help writing personal bias paper on Juvenile gang [5]

Hi Erica,

Can you explain the assignment a little better? What is the instructor asking you to do? What kind of bias are you looking for?

Eric

Scholarship / struggles of having low-income family and fear of leaving home- [6]

Hi Amber,

You have a good start, but remember that it is specifics that will make your essay memorable. You are not very specific when you say that "Certain financial obstacles would be with my parents' income because it restricts a lot of things for me."

You might try writing something like this:

"My mother works as a teacher's assistant and my father is a factory worker. Although they provided me and my brothers and sisters a good home, we had very little extra money. As a result, I had to choose between going to homecoming and saving for college. I chose saving because college will do more for me in the long run. Getting this scholarship will make attending (whatever school ) a lot less of a hardship."

The details about where you lived and the health care are not really part of the personal or financial obstacles that you have faced. Getting low cost health care is not an obstacle, it's a benefit. Moving from an apartment to a house is a benefit. Maybe leaving your friends behind and having to make all new ones is an obstacle?

Here are some other possible personal obstacles -- taking a difficult course, overcoming a fear of giving in class presentations, having to work after school and still keep your grades up, being responsible for watching a younger brother while your parents worked, coping with the death of a relative, etc.

You're on the right track with the stuff about not taking the bare minimum classes. What specific classes did you take? What was hard about them? How did you overcome the difficulty? Did you get tutoring, join a study group, etc.?

Saying that you want to move away but feel obligated to your parents isn't an obstacle. That's a situation that you have mixed feelings about.

Think about obstacles that you have overcome and the way that you did it and make that the focus of your essay. Help them get to know you and see you as a persistent and talented person.