Undergraduate / NYU SCPS - Kick in the Teeth [4]

Hi, John,

Thanks for your service to our country.

Scarred has two r's.

I've learned to view life's "roadblocks" as challenges that provide me the opportunity to grow as an individual; as a result, I've found my purpose in life. This is why I am ready to attend New York University.

In essence, earning a degree from NYU not only benefits me - it also will benefit the hundreds of veterans whose lives I will change.

Personal taste, but I don't like "Instead of wallowing in self-pity..." It's too strong and too negative. The sentence is better if you drop that phrase.

Good luck,

Eric

Undergraduate / Grandfather = Influential Person: National Merit Finalist Application Essay [2]

I think it's terrific. "I find it to be my greatest strength, and my most charming character." I am not sure I follow the last part. I was expecting characteristic, not character.

Undergraduate / The Importance of Uncertainty: Common App essay [8]

I think you should rework it. It does not get me excited about you as an a candidate and does not tell me much about who you are. Don't like the idea of describing yourself as devastated by narrowly missing an A. Makes you seem fragile. I would write about a different topic.

Undergraduate / Common App-"Fast Food Worker" -Elaborate on Extracurriculars- [4]

I would cut a lot of the weak adjectives and add some specific detail.

The buzz of the fryer snapped me back to reality. Dropping the dishrag and drying my hands, I spun toward the fryer, but not before spreading a stack of clean plates on the tile floor. Stepping over shards, I pulled a batch of fish from the fryer. It was a typical night at K-Hill's Catfish restaurant. It was busy; I was six hours in to a ten-hour shift, wondering how I could keep working until 2 am and still pass Calculus.

Undergraduate / The overpowering voice -Common App Essay [4]

So M,

I think you are on the wrong track. I would not introduce bill collectors and angry landlords in your admissions essay. Begin with something else.

Here is my revision:

When my mother first arrived in the United States, she spoke no English. Even though she was a graduate of South Korea's most prestigious university with a degree in (field), she did not know any English. Because she could not speak well, people treated her as if she were stupid. As a child, I frequently witnessed the rudeness of clerks and shopkeepers as my mother tried to make her desires understood. My sister and I often had to translate for her so that she could buy groceries or transact any business.

Even though she suddenly had to rely on her children and she faced barriers everywhere she looked, my mother never complained. She did the best she could and did all she could to make her English better. Gradually, she learned to make her voice heard, even though her English will never be perfect.

I admire her for having the courage to come to a new country and learn a new language. I admire her for having the spirit to face difficulty without ever feeling sorry for herself. In high school, I was in ESL classes and I hated it. I was bitter about being teased because I spoke English with a Korean accent. Gradually, however, I learned to follow her example and to ignore the jokes about my accent.

Whenever I hear someone who speaks English with an accent, I think about how smart that person must be because they speak at least two languages. I am grateful to my mother for teaching me to face adversity with cheerfulness and for teaching me quiet courage by her example.

Basically, my revision is designed to keep the story positive and to shine the light on your mother and her example. Remember, you are a customer to the school that accepts you, so giving them the idea that you don't pay bills or argue with people who provide services to you is not going to be helpful. Even though those reading the essay are probably not part of the business side of the school, they want students who are going to get along well and thrive on campus. Stay positive. You have a good story to tell.

Best of luck,

Eric Anderson

Undergraduate / Why I seek a college education, what I expect from it, and why I chose Menlo college [5]

I like it too. The wordplay is clever and memorable.

I could not even apply for some jobs.

I want to prove that I am as capable as any other high school graduate of success in college. Equally capable as is not good English.

Menlo College, cap College

Avid kitesurfer like me , not like myself.

Just as I have overcome my fear of math... Just as is better than like in that sentence.

I think I would leave out the part about beating the odds.

Most people who get in to college graduate. Odds of graduating are in your favor, even if you spend a lot of time kite surfing, chasing girls, and drinking beer. The school that lets you in wants you to graduate, so you do yourself no good portraying your graduating as a bet with bad odds.

Good luck,

Eric Anderson

Undergraduate / 'Violence is a physical force' - an issue of importance to you. Applytexas [2]

Hi Ryan,

This essay is a mess. Focus on a much smaller topic. Violence is a just wee bit too big to cover in 250 words. If you had 300, you could probably do it.

I have a feeling you like video games, so why don't you write an essay about how they are good for people. Everyone claims that video games make people violent. It's probably bullspit. I have never seen serious call of duty players fight over anything. Most of them aren't even in good enough shape to get off the couch.

Most gamers are in a room by themselves. Who are they going to hurt? Gamer attacks stuffed bear, film at 11.

Most gamers don't become violent unless you eat the last slice of pizza or all the Cool Ranch Doritos and, in such a case, who could really blame them?

Okay, there was that incident where one guy shot another while they were in line for Call of Duty, but I think the guy cut in front of him. He cut the line , so he probably deserved to get shot. You don't cut in line. You don't make fart noises in church. Everyone knows that.

Make fun of the whole idea that video games cause violence. That would be a good essay on a narrow enough topic.

Consider doing some research and thinking about it before you write.

Good luck, Ryan!

Undergraduate / Why I seek a college education, what I expect from it, and why I chose Menlo college [5]

Chasing boys, then. ;-)