Posts by TransferringStu

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Essays / "How Uban Legends Work" by Author Tom Harris - Summary of an essay. Title? [3]

Whenever you must assume something about a paper, the best thing to assume is that the reader has absolutely no idea what you are writing about.

Always have a title, if only it be "A Summary of How Urban Legends Work by Tom Harris"

In more extreme cases, including the prompt of a question is also deemed acceptable because it reduces the amount of previous knowledge the reader has to have.

Greatest advice I ever got on writing -- If you make the reader's life easier, they'll make your life easier

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / DO WE RELY HEAVILY ON TECHNOLOGY ? [6]

You address all the issues that your prompt asks, but I believe you could make it into a more streamlined intro, especially combining some of the questions into one sentence.

Something along the lines of "While our increase in technology will leave print media long forgotten, developing countries that are not aided in their electrical and telecommunications infrastructure growth will still be relying on print media in the future"

Other than that, pretty solid

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Undergraduate / "My fondness for children + medical" - Supplementary Application for UBC BSc Program [4]

First off, let me just say, both of these essays are very well written and you blow the prompts away.

1) Just change the word "got" in the first sentence of the second essay, and you're good on that one. "Got" is one of those colloquial words that no essay reader wants to see in an essay.

2) You should definitely get a second opinion on this observation as I am no authoritative voice but the initial tone I got from the first essay was a little arrogant. It is mostly from the prompt itself where you have to put your good qualities on the table and show them off, so it might be nothing, but it is worth asking people other than me about.

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Undergraduate / Achieving Life Goals - Columbia Engineering Programs Transfer Supplement [2]

The prompt for the Columbia University Transfer Supplement is
"Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why in 1500 characters or less":

Any feedback/proofreading would be greatly appreciated but especially loved on on sentence structure, wording, and tone

Every student feels attracted to the university of their choice by how that university, even in the slightest way, can aid them in their life goals. One of my life goals is for me to able to do something good for the world some day and, for me, Columbia University is the catalyst to realizing that life goal through its extremely focused and specialized Environmental Engineering program.

A majority of schools that have engineering programs in this country offer environmental engineering programs in some shape or form. However, while most schools offer either a Civil track or Chemical track to becoming an Environmental Engineer, Columbia offers a specialized Earth and Environmental Engineering program of it's own. Aside from the great benefits that arise from having an independent program, the EEE program also teaches the "new school thought" which combines the technical side of the of the Civil track with the theoretical side of the Chemical track, and applies them to issues facing our society today, such as resource depletion and sustainability.

When I initially decided to become an environmental engineer, I thought I would eventually be doing work that would aid in fixing some of our society's worst problems. Through my first year of college, I learned that this is not the case for a majority of people who come through most programs. However, unlike most colleges, Columbia University is a great university that can aid me in my endeavor to achieve at least this one life goal.

--Thanks in advance

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Book Reports / what is shakespeare saying about death in hamlet? [4]

I believe Kevin is right in the life/death issue. Life/death are more of motifs.

Taken from the wikipedia article on motifs"

A motif is any recurring element that has symbolic significance in a story. Through its repetition, a motif can help produce other narrative (or literary) aspects such as theme or mood.

Knowing this, ask yourself the question about what themes the deaths of certain characters lend to.

I've only seen the play of hamlet, never read it in much detail, but possible themes that are aided by death are greed, karma, human nature, and futility.

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / IELTS - humans should be able to use animals for their own benefit? [6]

You address the topic well and it is a well written essay. Just a few structural flaws which could be easily fixed.

Even though it doesn't say so, I am assuming that the prompt implies you pick a side and support it (which is almost 95% of the time the case). Assuming this much, you should state your view point on this topic explicitly in the first paragraph, instead of having people assume it throughout the paper and tell them your view at the end. It sets the tone that your essay is a anti-animal abuse paper from the start.

After you have stated your point, in a sentence such as "Animal rights are very important and animals should serve live alongside humans, not underneath them," you can easily change your thesis. Your thesis "This essay will discuss some arguments for and against animal domestication." is very dry. If you want to capture the attention of the reader/grader, be sure to tell them what is in your paper in more detail, without stating it like you are righting a research paper.

A sentence like "Though there are reasonable uses for animals, the extent to which humans have come to abuse them nowadays is unacceptable and immoral" can replace your thesis and be much more attention grabbing. With this, you are saying that there are great uses for animals (which is what you state in your second paragraph) and also that people have started to abuse animals more and more in recent times (which is what you state in your third paragraph). Also, this allows you to address both sides of the argument without seeming two-sided, as you have already made your point that animal abuse is wrong in your initial statement.

Hope this helps :)

A friend always,

TransferringStu

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The Deceiving Advertisement [3]

You have a very good structure. Solid thesis at the end of your first paragraph, three supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion. Here's a tip on essay writing that I received from my English professor that I think will apply to you which you might find useful.

When you write an essay on a divided issue (do you agree or not agree type stuff) you should always pick one and be firm and positive about it. A word like "possibly" or a phrase like "I believe" should not be used (both in the second paragraph). You should be completely sure about your response.

Other than that, it is very well written. Just a few fixes to the essay:

"we love our before 1989 state" -- the correct term is pre-1989. Otherwise you should say "our state from before 1989"

"who misses our communist period, though." -- I have always been taught that you shouldn't end a sentence with "though." A sentence like "However, I seldom see somebody who misses our communist period." fits more appropriately.

the shortened version of advertisements is ads. Adds comes from addition. Small difference, but if a grader sees it repeatedly, they will become annoyed, and believe me, you do not want an annoyed grader. EVER.

Good essay though

Best :)

TransferringStu

Mar 13, 2011

Undergraduate / Engineering Essay for Columbia University - "Envirothon" [2]

Please tell us why you are attracted to the field of engineering:

Req: 1500 Characters or fewer. Mine is over 1470

Ever since I can remember going to school, my strengths have always been in math and science. As school progressed, the subjects became more difficult, and math became calculus and science became chemistry and physics. My strengths were not in the memorization skills required for medicine or the creative spirit required for art or writing, they were in the conceptual understanding of math and science that is required for engineering.

In my sophomore year of high school, my friends convinced me to join a environmentalist club at my school titled "Envirothon." After three years of working with this club, and seeing tragic natural disasters in our world such as Hurricane Katrina, the Pakistani floods, and the BP Oil Spill, I realized that this aspect of our society, environmentalism, is something that needs our dire help. By mixing my strengths with my interests and a purpose, I was able to decide on and commit to studying Environmental Engineering at college.

I believe that when it comes down to it, all of my, and our, actions should be determined by one concept - how much contribution one is making to society and to the lives of others? By harnessing my ability at math and science, and combining them with my interest in environmentalism and passion for change, I believe that environmental engineering is unequivocally the one field of learning that I can most effectively use to contribute something back to the world, and that is reason enough for me to study it.

Much thanks